Am I Asking For Too Much? Advice, Please

[BjornBorg]

you should shake the relationship a bit like a juice box. he seems to take you granted and got probably bored.

 

[Primalex]

I couldn't agree more! Our society uses the labels of "addiction" and "disease" to divert responsibility away from the individual and environmental factors.

You would be better to remove him from your life and find someone who lives in the real world and cares about real things, than someone who worries about being a level 89 sorcerer. Listen to what your gut has been trying to tell you for the past year. Move on, be happy, be healthy, you're not going to get it from this guy.

No wonder that relationships barely last two years these days. There is a problem? Divorce him/her, dump him/her, run away - why making an effort? There is someone else around for sure.

Bleh.

 

[HankieChief]

No wonder that relationships barely last two years these days. There is a problem? Divorce him/her, dump him/her, run away - why making an effort? There is someone else around for sure.

Bleh.

Agreed. No reason to stick around.

 

[_Virginia_]

No wonder that relationships barely last two years these days. There is a problem? Divorce him/her, dump him/her, run away - why making an effort? There is someone else around for sure.

Bleh.

I would never advise someone to leave a relationship (if they truly cared about the other person) without putting in some effort to try and remedy whatever problems existed. In this case, though, it sounds like the OP has already made continuous efforts to no avail. Some relationships can't be saved.

If this relationship can be saved - great! My hunch is that it cannot.

 

[_Virginia_]

Personally, if I'm able to recognize something as an addiction or illness, I feel more empowered to help myself because there are a lot of resources for those things (vs. "bad behaviors"). Even just knowing I'm susceptible to addiction and things like depression allows me to keep a very close eye on potentially problematic behaviors and substances, avoid certain things, and get help much earlier than I probably would if I thought, 'addiction and disease are simply labels for bad behaviors that shift the responsibility off of me.' In fact, I'm guessing taking that attitude would actually perpetuate denial and interfere with me changing the behavior, getting help, etc.

I understand where you're coming from - and I think the world would be a better place if everyone had this attitude! But that's not reality. I have known so many people who continue their same bad behavior, refuse to change (or even try to change) and throw the "it's not my fault I'm a jackass, it's my disease/addiction" excuse around on a daily basis. In those cases, that's how responsibility is shifted from the individual to the addiction/disease model.

 

[squarejohn]

Am I Asking For Too Much?

Try bringing home a different guy. That should get is attention. If not, pack a suitcase and go home with the stranger.

 

[silverwhisper]

virginia quoth:
in those cases, that's how responsibility is shifted from the individual to the addiction/disease model.

i would submit that's an instance of the individual being the problem and failing to take any personal responsibility. that such an individual has failed to take responsibility doesn't IMV invalidate describing such a state as an addiction: it just means that some people are irresponsible louts.

[shrugs]

ed

 

[_Virginia_]

i would submit that's an instance of the individual being the problem and failing to take any personal responsibility. that such an individual has failed to take responsibility doesn't IMV invalidate describing such a state as an addiction: it just means that some people are irresponsible louts.

[shrugs]

ed

That's true...if an alcoholic knows he is an alcoholic and continues to act like an ass, that doesn't make him any less of an alcoholic. I certainly believe that addictions exist, as I have several people in my life who are alcoholics and addicts, in various stages of recovery. I do not mean to imply that these are the only addictions that exist; merely, this is my experience.

It frightens me that professionals and society in general are so willing to accept the label of "addiction" for things that are not....in my opinion, gaming is not a real addiction. I don't believe sex addiction is a real addiction either! I'm curious as to what other people think about "sex addiction" - surely there are people here who have an opinion?

 

[bailadora]

It frightens me that professionals and society in general are so willing to accept the label of "addiction" for things that are not....in my opinion, gaming is not a real addiction. I don't believe sex addiction is a real addiction either! I'm curious as to what other people think about "sex addiction" - surely there are people here who have an opinion?

Perhaps a better term would be impulse control disorder:

Impulse-control disorders are thought to have both neurological and environmental causes and are known to be exacerbated by stress . Some mental health professionals regard several of these disorders, such as compulsive gambling or shopping, as addictions. In impulse-control disorder, the impulse action is typically preceded by feelings of tension and excitement and followed by a sense of relief and gratification, often—but not always— accompanied by guilt or remorse.

Full article found here.

 

[silverwhisper]

virginia quoth:
it frightens me that professionals and society in general are so willing to accept the label of "addiction" for things that are not....in my opinion, gaming is not a real addiction. i don't believe sex addiction is a real addiction either!

i believe there's a certain amount of disagreement among mental health professionals re: what is/is not an addiction. personally, i subscribe to the layman's definition (if it interfere's with your day to day life, it's an addiction) since i'm not a mental health professional, which means that theoretically, i suppose that anything could be an addiction IMV.

virginia quoth:
i'm curious as to what other people think about "sex addiction" - surely there are people here who have an opinion?

as i explained above: i do. i'm curious to see if there are any mental health professionals here; that exchange would be really nifty.

ed

 

[Tampafel]

I think confronting him with your feelings, and how it affects you would be a start. Even if he doesn't fit the definition of an addict, the way games/hobbies/whatever can warp your sense of time a four hour session might feel like twenty minutes.

Remind him what he's choosing over you. And if that doesn't work, ask him if he loves you. When he says yes, simply say "But not enough. Not enough to turn the game off and spend time with me." That might get the ball rolling. Good luck.

 

[bailadora]

i'm curious to see if there are any mental health professionals here; that exchange would be really nifty.

ed

Where's CWatson? IRC, he's in that field.

 

[_Virginia_]

Perhaps a better term would be impulse control disorder:



Full article found here.

Thanks for the link - I haven't heard this term before and I look forward to reading the article.

 

[Primalex]

In this case, though, it sounds like the OP has already made continuous efforts to no avail. Some relationships can't be saved.

Smart analysis. So if you are thirsty and someone offers you chips which you deny, then you are not thirsty and should be left alone. Makes sense.


She tried to compete with the computer - this is effort, right, but about as helpful for the situation as chips help with thirst. Do you have a dog by chance? Do you give him treats when he behaved wrong? No. Then why would a blowjob for playing a game be helpful?

 

[Primalex]

Remind him what he's choosing over you. And if that doesn't work, ask him if he loves you. When he says yes, simply say "But not enough. Not enough to turn the game off and spend time with me." That might get the ball rolling. Good luck.

Emotional blackmailing - <sarcasm>great idea</sarcasm>

 

[NippleMuncher]

I understand where you're coming from - and I think the world would be a better place if everyone had this attitude! But that's not reality. I have known so many people who continue their same bad behavior, refuse to change (or even try to change) and throw the "it's not my fault I'm a jackass, it's my disease/addiction" excuse around on a daily basis. In those cases, that's how responsibility is shifted from the individual to the addiction/disease model.

That is pretty much what I was trying to say. People in general are looking for ways for things to not be their fault, it doesn't matter if you're talking about an individual, group, "authority", or what-have-you.

 

[CabbageRose]

It may not be you at all.

I'm going to take another route and suggest that it may not be addiction. It may be his way of tuning out real-world responsibilities.

If he's consumed by playing video games in every moment of his free time, he's taking a detour from real life. The only confrontations that he has are virtual. He doesn't have to answer to you or anyone else.

Human beings can't co-exist in that manner. You need time to interact with each other. Would it be possible to suggest to him, in a non-confrontational way that you need equal time with the TV?

Perhaps you could set up two date nights each week where video games are off limits? It wouldn't cost a cent to retreat to bed early and enjoy yourselves.

 

[johnnybbad77]

Addiction, not addiction, harmless fun, neglecting you, overreaction, his issue, your issue, whatever.

None of that really matters and it just complicates things. To some degree you have to lay down your side of things. If he's playing too much and you can't stand it, then you have to let him know. Some girls DO overreact, and some guys DO play too much. I know one great relationship where the girl doesn't let him play at all which is unfair. But at the same time, I know if he got the chance, he would play non-stop. They're both extremes, and basically he's given in for the sake of their relationship with the exception of a few weekends here and there. If he's not willing to do that, even for a time so you know he's at least CAPABLE of putting the controller down, then you have that choice to make, whether or not the relationship is work keeping, and if you're able to let him have that part of it.

 

[banes27]

Personally, I'd generally with a lot of what people have said here. Obviously you're unhappy with a certain HUGE aspect of the relationship. So, you need to drag him away from the game while he's playing it (makes him know you're serious) or even just wait till he's not playing (he might take you dragging him away as the beginning of a lecture rather than a conversation and not pay all that much attention, s'up to you though). Which ever, just lay down what you feel about the situation, what makes you unhappy, what would make you happier while still making him happy, maybe like a few hours of gaming every other day rather than 4 days of (what I gather to be) non-stop gaming.

Make sure he's listening, pay attention to his reactions and behaviour during this. If he's all slouchy and bleh then he's probably just got the mental age of a 16-year-old who's not paying attention and doesn't care (no offence). And make sure he participates too. If he doesn't reply, try and get him to reply. Try and get his opinion on the matter. Relationships (mostly) are two-people deals.

Now, if he was anything close to decent he'd at least try to attempt to lower his gaming hours and try spend more time with you. In that case yay, you've gotten through to him. If he really doesn't try at all though it would probably suggest he doesn't care all that much about the relationship or your opinion. In which case, maybe sit him down and talk again.

Eventually, if he doesn't commit, then just leave. If he's not paying attention to you when you've explained your opinion and hasn't cared enough to try to make a change then find someone who will care enough about you.

Personal experience: An increasing problem in my relationship was my drinking. It got to the point where I was drinking maybe 2 or 3 times a week and drinking past the point where I'm fun and relaxed to the point where I'm paranoid, loud, verbally aggressive and generally a dick. Fiancee started giving me disapproving looks in the mornings and talked to me about it afterwards. Problem was is that my drunken dickish behaviour generally happens to coincide with lack of memory. Luckily I happened to remember one evening enough to remember my behaviour, especially towards her. I swore at that moment that I wouldn't drink until the wedding (6 months away, where I would only have a glass of champagne) and hopefully never again after that.

I've tried before to limit how much alcohol I drank in a night but that damn inhibition-lowering liquid, I just ended up drinking more the more I drank. The only reasonable course of action was to cut it out completely or lose out on the single greatest thing in my life since the day I was born. Why destroy that for the sake of a loid, anger-filled night I won't remember.

So, if he says he cares about you then, not in an ultimatum-like way, try and make him realise that if he does care about you even the slightest then constant gaming could, eventually, end a generally good relationship.

 

[PoppingTom]

You should solve the problem like the "psycho asian girlfriend" !

 

[Sybal]

This seems like a serious problem to have for only being together for a year, you guys should be doing it like rabbits. I absolutely understand your problem, I am a gamer myself as well as my boyfriend. He and I have both had our guilty moments letting games get in the way of things, but never anything too extreme. If it's been a year of you trying to work with him on this, it's time to draw the line. This year is supposed to be one of the greatest years of game releases ever, your situation is probably not going to get any easier. I hope things work out with you two either finding a happy medium, or you finding someone who can truly appreciate you.

 

[JamesSD]

Here we go.

My man, is into video games…which is completely fine because I’m a bit of a gamer myself and it’s okay to have things which you can ‘escape reality’ with. However, as soon as he wakes up he begins to play them…and play them…and play them…and play them. Until about one o clock in the morning hits and then it’s bed time. Now don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t play them non stop. However when he STOPS playing them, he moves onto the computer to watch reviews and such on the games he was just playing a second ago. I wouldn’t mind this one bit but it’s starting to wear on my confidence. He becomes so involved in the games that nothing else even seems to exist. Even me…and more oddly, even sex. I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly imagine to get him to show at least a little bit of sexual attraction to me. Worn sexy lingerie, pranced around in nothing but a thong and high heels, rubbed myself against him, whispered things into his ear, given him blow jobs while he’s playing and even gotten to the point where I’ve stripped in front of him and started fucking myself with a vibrator. However…nothing. Zilch. And at the best of times a ‘not now baby, I’m playing’. Am I being unreasonable by asking for just a little bit of attention? Or am I asking for too much?

I know that I’m sexy. I know I can be sexy as fuck if I want to. However he is the one man that DOESN’T make me feel sexy…and that worries me. Please, I’m aching for advice.

I love video games. I play a lot of them. However, I don't care how into a game I'm in, if my girlfriend comes into the room in lingerie and starts stripping, she'll get my full attention.

It sounds like you've tried to discuss this issue with him and have gotten no where. That's a communication issue, not just a sex issue. If you're not happy with the relationship, tell him, and he does nothing, you barely have a "relationship".

You really have two choices. Dump him, or give him an ultimatum. Perhaps get him to agree to one or two nights a week he will spend (non-videogame) time with you. If he's not willing to take one night a week for romance, he's obviously so indifferent about you there's not much point in trying to make it work.

-I actually have a friend who went through this exact thing. For the first 4-6 months of their relationship he was into her, both as a person and sexually. They moved in together for financial reasons, and with time his interest in her waned to the point their only sexual contact was her giving him head when he was playing a video game. It made her feel like the problem was her. Eventually she dumped him and realized there actually are men out there who can at least pay enough attention to their girlfriend to get laid.

 

[tungyerass]

I am simply floored by this. I unfortunately got caught up in some gaming activity and for a period of months it ate up way too much of my time. However, I realized that no VR, game, tv or computer can hold a candle to real life. I didn't even have a young, nubile young woman prancing around in lingerie in front of me and I came to this conclusion. So all I can say is that if the prospect of actual sex with a real live girl can not pry him away from a game then dump him. There are plenty of men who actually like women. Don't waste yourself or your time on this game junkie.

 

[iamsamtoday]

I concur with tungyerass. There are several issues right off the bat, communication and sex. Two major role plays in a relationship. Honey, you have only invested a year and a half. Don't make it any longer, get out now why you can. If I had known the signs in my marriage early on, I would have left long ago. You are young and vibrant and there are men out there that would love to love you and have sex with you regularly, so go find that man. Don't waste your time trying to fix the one that doesn't want to be fixed. They never can be fixed if they don't want to be.

 

[pplwatching]

I suppose it's to be expected, given that Lit is a sexual discussion forum, but frankly I am surprised how much of the discussion has centered around making yourself sexually available to get him to put down the games. Maybe it's just "my generation" but how degrading is that? You shouldn't have to beg. There are many other needs that have to be met in a relationship. Offering sex only goes so far to sooth the feeling of being alone in a relationship. Do you really want to be with a guy who only turns off the games long enough for sex?

As the relationship progresses you need your partner to be "in the game of life" for companionship, finances, domestic chores, moral support, and a lot of other things. How are you going to feel a few years from now when you've got a toddler in diapers and he's glued to the games instead of helping you? You have to deal with this now, or you have no right to expect that it will change in the future.

In my humble opinion it's time to ask the hard questions, of both yourself and your boyfriend. Why is each of you in the relationship? What do you hope to get out of the relationship? How are you going to feel if things continue as they are? Where do you see the relationship going in 2, 3, 5 years? What is the plan to get from where you are now to there?

You can't make ultimatums. He will resent being told "it's the games or me.". The best that you can do is tell him how you feel, and hope that he responds. Branch off from the discussion and ask questions like "how do you feel that your gaming affects our relationship?" If you're lucky he'll see that there's a time for games, and that they're not his first priority. If he doesn't then you have to choose between the status quo and moving on to find a relationship that meets your needs. Hopefully he wakes up before that happens.

Good luck