You are far from being alone. I’m in my early sixties and have been married for 42 of those. In most aspects of our marriage we are great, on the same page and and of the same mind. In the intimacy department though we couldn’t be farther apart. And it’s not like I have gotten complacent in my role, I don’t just want sex. I crave any kind of affection. I hold her hand when we are out, stroke her foot as I walk by the sofa. I take care of the dishes, clean…all the things I hear women say that are non sexual but would lead to it if their husbands would do them. I do all of those things and still am met with an icebox in bed. We’ve had many, many conversations regarding the lack of closeness and still nothing.
You are definitely not the only one. I lived that life for several years. In fact I think I used the description of roommate once or twice. Recently my spouse and I changed our direction. She allowed me to share some of her photos on lit basically to show me no one found her attractive. She of course was wrong and the feedback and comments have changed her outlook. Just her feeling attractive and desired for her body have turned things around 180 degrees. There are other cans of worms that get opened up of course but outmr relationship is exciting again.
My online life is my sex life.............
I know exactly how you feel. Always a struggle when I always seem to be the one initiating. We should help each other!
Oh man! That sounds like my life
ery much understand I’m in very similar relationship partner not like talking about sex or doing it I’ve always the one that initiates sex and to b honest I think I’ve had enough please reply
sadly, as a marriage counselor, and one who lives in a situation you have described, i can attest to how common the situation is. generally speaking, id give my own marriage at least an 8 out of 10 if not a 9.....with the single exception any form of physical intimacy. it is painful to continuously hope for some kind of connection but for it to never happen. in our early years, i cheated on her. i did it, she knew about it, and it almost ruined us. we survived it, though, and for some time after that things were really the best ever. over time, though, the intimacy just went away. now it is like a huge chasm that neither of us knows how to get back across and i am not sure that she is in any way interested. it all came to a head some years back and we had a long discussion about it. she said that we just were not "emotionally close" - a term i have come to loathe both in my own case and in my counseling practice. following that discussion, and being up for a challenge, i read many books, and put everything those books or anyone i knew could suggest into practice so that we could become "emotionally close". a year went by in which i sent her notes, letters, emails, gifts, i did everything and anything imaginable to foster us being more connected. at the end of the year, we went to dinner and discussed it. she was beaming and said that she could not believe how our lives were so different - that she was the happiest she had ever been and so thankful for how wonderful our marriage was. in that year, we had had sex 3 times. we were emotionally close. as i learned then and 1000 times since then - contrary to the popular myth - there is ZERO correlation between being emotionally connected and having sex. after that year, i really just gave up on the whole intimacy concern. as i often say, it is like water in the desert......which is not an issue UNTIL there is none. and so, we continue, we have fun, we share many common interests, we love our kids and grandkids. we play games....literally. we camp. we are good at all of those kinds of things. but we have no sex. ever.
This is the most enlightening yet depressing thing ever. I’m too young for no sex ever. In glad it’s good for you though minus the no sex.
That sounds very similar to me in terms of companionship and emotional connection.
This, this, this
This is exactly where I have been for some time now. It suck’s honestly. Everyone would think we have the perfect marriage but we’re nothing more than roommates. There’s no intimacy and I’ve grown tired of trying to initiate it. I find myself burying myself into work and the kids.
I think intimacy is more along the lines of what I crave and in my opinion intimacy requires emotional connection and sexual connection as well.
It totally does, there is a huge difference between physical connection and intimacy. They are not exclusive, you can one or the other or both. We all crave different things, but for me intimacy is far more meaningful than physical connection.
I could not have said it better.
Of course it does. Anyone saying anything different are just 100% wrong and lying to themselves in my opinion. Or maybe I should say, 100% intimacy can only be achieved when both are present. Otherwise, it is just a partial fulfillment of what is possible
No, you aren't the only one.
Same for me. Health issue for my wife contributes
It is the lose lose scenario. I have been there, lived there, tried all options. We have been married 25 years now. First few years was best sex ever, constant romance. Intense orgasms. Equal participation and instigation. Slowly it diminished though down to nothing. After several years of absolutely no sex, I finally cheated. A girl came onto me, the opportunity was there, the girl made it clear it would only ever be about sex. We fucked each others brains out for about a year. Yes, I was happy to get some sex. Yes, we had massive orgasms. BUT - the cheating, lying, sneaking around, was terrible. I did love my wife. I hated myself for cheating even though I could rationalize it. Ultimately, my wife figured it out, was devastated etc etc and everyone was hurt. Some years in the doghouse, occasional dutybound sex, but no real passion and ultimately it subsided entirely again. I guessed she was just not that into me. Finally, confronting it with her, she said if only we were emotionally connected we would have good sex. For one solid year, I did everything I could possibly research, imagine, think of, have recommended, to make her feel emotionally connected. One solid year - 12 months - 365 days. In that year we had sex 3 times. At the end of the year she said she felt the best ever....most loved......most connected. It made me want to throw up. Obviously there was no connection between being emotionally connected and us having any form of an intimate life. After that year, I deliberately and purposely placed an ad on CL for a partner to have sex with. I specifically requested a married woman in the same situation I was in. It took 3 months but I found the perfect candidate. We had a torrid affair for 2 years. We fell madly in love. Again, though, was the sneaking, lying, cheating, trying to hide things, etc etc. That part was terrible. Quit thinking about sex with the wife, quit looking at her that way entirely. Got 100% of my physical fulfillment with the lover. Ultimately, though, my lover's husband caught her. We called it the spy phone - a phone she had just for me and her.....he found it, read it all saw all our texts, saw all the yummy pics she sent me every day. All hell broke loose - again everyone crushed. Wife for whatever reason begged me to stay, didnt want me to leave for the other person. For truly unknown reasons, I stayed. That was 10 years ago. With the exception of sex, our marriage is perfect and a model for our kids and friends and neighbors. I don't think any of them know what we have been through. We had sex 3 or 4 years ago. Once. And so....here I remain.....zero intimacy.....relegated to porn, masturbation, occasional slight mental connection here, but mostly frustrated. I can go for a time, weeks, even months sometimes and not really dwell on it.....but then the need.....the desire comes back. And so here we remain. And I am sorry and doubt that this diatribe is very helpful other than to provide an actual testament to what happens if you do go for it or what happens if you dont.
Wow..If I didn't know any better I could have wrote this myself. In the same exact situation.
