Being autistic and random stuff

[Saint_Ann]

Isn't dolf autistic? Hmmm....

 

[stickygirl]

My first reaction to this post was NTs say the weirdest things. Much of it is incomprehensible to outsiders and they have no idea.

But at moments when we feel stressed we can come out with some show-stoppers too. The example I gave 'Have you ever loved me?' and the like, probably stem from our unswerving honesty. We're sometimes inclined to say things as they are, and that can be brutal if it's not feathered with comforting words. Instead of 'Well my feelings have changed' I might come out with 'I dunno. I'm confused by my feelings. What is love anyway?'

Our honesty can be a strength and a failure.

 

[Noor]

But at moments when we feel stressed we can come out with some show-stoppers too. The example I gave 'Have you ever loved me?' and the like, probably stem from our unswerving honesty. We're sometimes inclined to say things as they are, and that can be brutal if it's not feathered with comforting words. Instead of 'Well my feelings have changed' I might come out with 'I dunno. I'm confused by my feelings. What is love anyway?'

Our honesty can be a strength and a failure.

Good point. I tend to say what is on my mind, and that isn't always a good thing. I once answered someone who asked for a cookie I made in home ec, no. I don't like you. Unfortunately decades later this person is a good friend of another friend from high school. I still don't like her, but I've learned to just not say anything if put on the spot. It's super weird because I like most people or at least not dislike them/
In my high school lover who I was actually quite fond of that it was shame we didnt love each other after have some great sex. His response was "give it time."
My sense of time and dates can be an issue too, someone can mention that its been a couple weeks since we did something, and I will likely respond that it's been 17 days, 4 hrs, and 21 mins since then without even thinking about it. I'm not consciously keeping track. With some people who might freak out by such things I tend to just think them and not say it out loud, but when stressed I can say exactly what I am thinking.

 

[enchantedmedow]

Good point. I tend to say what is on my mind, and that isn't always a good thing. I once answered someone who asked for a cookie I made in home ec, no. I don't like you. Unfortunately decades later this person is a good friend of another friend from high school. I still don't like her, but I've learned to just not say anything if put on the spot. It's super weird because I like most people or at least not dislike them/
In my high school lover who I was actually quite fond of that it was shame we didnt love each other after have some great sex. His response was "give it time."
My sense of time and dates can be an issue too, someone can mention that its been a couple weeks since we did something, and I will likely respond that it's been 17 days, 4 hrs, and 21 mins since then without even thinking about it. I'm not consciously keeping track. With some people who might freak out by such things I tend to just think them and not say it out loud, but when stressed I can say exactly what I am thinking.

I also had the issue of being super blunt. I was told so much growing up that I should think before I speak, and that never made sense to me. Because I did think, I went through my checklist of " is it true? " And then would say so. Overtime I've learned generally which people can take the truth straight on and which need to be... I can never find a better word than coddled. Although every new person is a fun time and I often feel bad for days thinking I may have said something wrong despite going through past conversations and not seeing anything disagreeable.

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

I also had the issue of being super blunt. I was told so much growing up that I should think before I speak, and that never made sense to me. Because I did think, I went through my checklist of " is it true? " And then would say so. Overtime I've learned generally which people can take the truth straight on and which need to be... I can never find a better word than coddled. Although every new person is a fun time and I often feel bad for days thinking I may have said something wrong despite going through past conversations and not seeing anything disagreeable.

I went through a phase in middle school where I bluntly said cruel things because I thought it was weird that nobody would say the obvious out loud.

Then I decided I didn’t want to be That Person and stopped cold.

Now I’m super nice to everyone I meet because I have face blindness. When I talk to someone, I can’t tell if they’re a complete stranger or an old friend I don’t recognize.

 

[stickygirl]

Growing up I always wanted to please my Mum, so I was emotionally sensitive to her guidance and criticism. If I said something blunt she would reprimand me 'Yes, but we don't say that to people' and I felt the pain of humiliation. So even when I realised someone was doing or saying something wrong, I had her boundaries of social rights and wrongs to refer to.

All the same, things would slip out. I didn't have a specific rule for 'not repeating what you heard in the theatre' and in a Shakespeare play I'd attended, an actor had held a sign that read 'Fornicator'. When I accused my elder sister, who had just started kissing a boy of being one, it didn't go down well at Sunday lunch.

I do a bit of instructing, and the structure of teaching helps. You know your students may be nervous and have limited knowledge of the subject, so when they make silly mistakes "It's okay" for that to happen. Surely everyone feels embarrassed to make mistakes, so that moment is great for offering positive criticism and encouragement.

 

[stickygirl]

Had to fight tears-from-nowhere listening to Mandinka by sinead today. I mean , fuck, I never knew her and tbh seldom thought of her but she was THERE and now she isn’t

 

[stickygirl]

I listened to a radio program that discussed the experiences of Asian musicians living in the west and playing classical European music. Apart from racial prejudice in their lives, they also found their style of playing under scrutiny.

More than one violinist described how the had to police their body language when playing: not too expressive which might look fake; not too static or else be compared to a cold robot.
“Welcome to my world!” I commented out loud.

I was darkly amused by the similarities. It begs a question about western society that prides itself on being open and forward looking but overlooks the hurdles it places on anyone who doesn’t fit the rigid criteria of being ‘normal’ and by implication, accepted.
Fern Brady made the comment that it’s NTs who are the weird ones.

I’m so grateful to have been diagnosed not simply for my own mental health but to recognise the problems other minorities face. Of course anyone, NT or ND can show empathy but being autistic has put it front and centre for me…. an analogy I can live with!

 

[Paradox]

I'll say it again...you start the best threads.

 

[stickygirl]

I'll say it again...you start the best threads.

Thanks. It's evidently touched a chord. Honesty is often the best policy and auties seldom lie

 

[Paradox]

Thanks. It's evidently touched a chord. Honesty is often the best policy and auties seldom lie

Your threads are always so thoughtful and thought provoking, but what impresses me most is how civil the discussion is. Not typical for social media.

 

[stickygirl]

Your threads are always so thoughtful and thought provoking, but what impresses me most is how civil the discussion is. Not typical for social media.

Part of me is itching to shout 'Fuck off' and run away giggling It's not because I'm autistic, it's just because when we see a train approaching part of us thinks 'Go on - jump in front of the train' and I know everyone thinks that... right? Don't they? Maybe that's a wee bit tourettes but we can control those impulses and not look weird, but tourettes folk have to deal with humiliation every day and that sucks.

Since we're on the topic, here's a link to Lewis Capaldi at Glastonbury this year. He was struggling with his mental health in a stressful situation, so the crowd did the singing for him. I can't watch it without crying so here's sniffle trigger warning. Side note is that he was spotted chatting to Emma Watson at Wimbledon a few days later, the dirty dog

 

[Paradox]

Part of me is itching to shout 'Fuck off' and run away giggling

I'm still going to be a fan...LOL

 

[Baztrachian]

Thanks. It's evidently touched a chord. Honesty is often the best policy and auties seldom lie

True this.

Edit: A friend of mine in the spectrum says that she tells the truth because she doesn't want to clutter up her memories with lies.

 

[Baztrachian]

I'm friends with an older woman, whose former marriage ended badly: deception, infidelity and worse, so she was traumatised by that. Two years later, she's dating a new guy and though it's early days, she's obviously smitten ( he's not the first guy to ask her on dates ). I don't want her to get hurt, so I told her try and be objective and figure out if he is honest and not stringing her along etc.

So that got me thinking. Can you be objective and be in love? Can my friend be analytical of her relationship one moment but feel a rush of love the next? The two seem incompatible to me.

What is love anyway and how do you know if you're in it? Why do NTs get all offended and say things like 'How can you not know if you love me? Are you saying you don't love me? Have you ever loved me?' when I can't actually be certain of what love is AND I suspect neither do they, but are deluding themselves. I've decided that love is a mix of sexual attraction and a sense of comfort.

Love for some people is more rooted in familiarity and comfort than in romantic love. I've seen plenty of older couples who love each other but are not the least bit romantic with each other.

Conversely, I've also seen couples who radiate sexual energy but when they're not fucking they avoid each other.

 

[stickygirl]

A quick blurt that sparked off another thread.

I find looking at people's faces quite difficult. It's often said auties avoid looking you in the eyes, giving them an unfair reputation for being shifty or untrustworthy. Advice to auties is to look at another person's mouth instead of their eyes in conversation, but even that is mildly stressful. When I look at the face of someone I don't don't know too well, it feels like I'm being intrusive/rude. I don't mean staring because 'it's rude to stare' but rather that I don't feel I permission to look at their face.

I knew a guy who used to look above and past me, making me think there was maybe a big spider on the ceiling behind me. Once I learned more about what we're like, I realised he must've been on the spectrum... or maybe I am plagued by lurking spiders?

 

[EndCreditsPart2]

A quick blurt that sparked off another thread.

I find looking at people's faces quite difficult. It's often said auties avoid looking you in the eyes, giving them an unfair reputation for being shifty or untrustworthy. Advice to auties is to look at another person's mouth instead of their eyes in conversation, but even that is mildly stressful. When I look at the face of someone I don't don't know too well, it feels like I'm being intrusive/rude. I don't mean staring because 'it's rude to stare' but rather that I don't feel I permission to look at their face.

I knew a guy who used to look above and past me, making me think there was maybe a big spider on the ceiling behind me. Once I learned more about what we're like, I realised he must've been on the spectrum... or maybe I am plagued by lurking spiders?

I am very bad at making eye contact.
Unfortunately, my default for where to look is slightly downward. At the boobs.
Needless to say, I have to actively not do that.

 

[stickygirl]

I am very bad at making eye contact.
Unfortunately, my default for where to look is slightly downward. At the boobs.
Needless to say, I have to actively not do that.

Boobs are a problem in that respect. I find myself acting a bit - you know how people look away when they're trying to think of the right word or pluck an idea from the air? That's what I do.

The exception being if the person I'm speaking to needs to be heard?- like if they're distressed. I've had to deal with that situation quite a bit, so I'll take one of their hands and focus on that so they're anchored and can get their words out. Or if that's too intrusive, I'll maybe sit next to them and nod at their feet as they talk. Sorry - that was a slight sidetrack.

I'm sure autie men have a harder time with it. They have fewer social skills to draw on and end up monologuing or clamming up altogether. I can see that in men generally - I get the impression it's like they're on the other side of an emotional glass door. As woman I have more freedom and cheats to get by and so avoid the dreaded humiliation of looking weird... I have other ways of looking weird

 

[stickygirl]

Here's an old one. I shared an exchange with another autie lady on a thread at Lit. We had both gone through the exact same childhood experience of having to write cards and thank you's. The problem arose when our mothers insisted we signed off 'with love'.

The other Litster describe how she ended up with tears rolling down her face, the pen shaking in her hand, because she didn't actually 'love' Auntie May so she was being forced to lie! We laughed so much when we realised we'd been through the same ritual of having to lie about 'loving' someone.

We hate lying and being insincere, which sounds admirable except when you have to share the world with NTs who have a different take on lying. I guess auties have no stretchy ruler to measure a lie: it's either true or not.

Since then, I written Xmas cards and emails to friends and made a point of signing off 'with love' or 'much love'. I had to add a note explaining to them that I was claiming the word for my own and that I didn't actually love them (and wasn't going to start stalking them). The problem right now is that I've forgotten who I told this to, so I risk being accused of loving people out of the blue, with no warning or explanation. Xmas 2023 is going to be tough again...

 

[saintcero]

Here's an old one. I shared an exchange with another autie lady on a thread at Lit. We had both gone through the exact same childhood experience of having to write cards and thank you's. The problem arose when our mothers insisted we signed off 'with love'.

The other Litster describe how she ended up with tears rolling down her face, the pen shaking in her hand, because she didn't actually 'love' Auntie May so she was being forced to lie! We laughed so much when we realised we'd been through the same ritual of having to lie about 'loving' someone.

We hate lying and being insincere, which sounds admirable except when you have to share the world with NTs who have a different take on lying. I guess auties have no stretchy ruler to measure a lie: it's either true or not.

Since then, I written Xmas cards and emails to friends and made a point of signing off 'with love' or 'much love'. I had to add a note explaining to them that I was claiming the word for my own and that I didn't actually love them (and wasn't going to start stalking them). The problem

Here's an old one. I shared an exchange with another autie lady on a thread at Lit. We had both gone through the exact same childhood experience of having to write cards and thank you's. The problem arose when our mothers insisted we signed off 'with love'.

The other Litster describe how she ended up with tears rolling down her face, the pen shaking in her hand, because she didn't actually 'love' Auntie May so she was being forced to lie! We laughed so much when we realised we'd been through the same ritual of having to lie about 'loving' someone.

We hate lying and being insincere, which sounds admirable except when you have to share the world with NTs who have a different take on lying. I guess auties have no stretchy ruler to measure a lie: it's either true or not.

Since then, I written Xmas cards and emails to friends and made a point of signing off 'with love' or 'much love'. I had to add a note explaining to them that I was claiming the word for my own and that I didn't actually love them (and wasn't going to start stalking them). The problem right now is that I've forgotten who I told this to, so I risk being accused of loving people out of the blue, with no warning or explanation. Xmas 2023 is going to be tough again...

Right there with you about who gets an “L” word (Love, love or luv) from me. I briefly switched to “and I am appropriately fond of you too” but it wasn’t well received.

 

[stickygirl]

Right there with you about who gets an “L” word (Love, love or luv) from me. I briefly switched to “and I am appropriately fond of you too” but it wasn’t well received.

Which is why 'Live long and prosper' makes so much sense!

 

[twister947]

Which is why 'Live long and prosper' makes so much sense!

Saying "I love you" is not the same as sending something with love. You're on solid ice.

 

[stickygirl]

Anyone else want to chip in? I don't want this thread to end up a me, me, me whine!

Since I'm here, this may be another shared experience. An old man died in his sleep two doors down and a neighbour told me. After commenting that he was nice person, if a bit of a character and that his family had always looked in on him, making sure he was okay, which was good. I then said 'I wonder who we'll get as neighbours' and I was given a bit of a look.

So I spent the next hour working in the garden, going over what I'd said and wondering what the rule was for saying something like that. I'm guessing most people wouldn't give their words much thought, but here I am, feeling troubled and worrying that I said the wrong thing.

I'm not looking for support, but only pointing out that I think auties do this a lot - re-examining and fretting over their words and actions.

 

[Noor]

Here's an old one. I shared an exchange with another autie lady on a thread at Lit. We had both gone through the exact same childhood experience of having to write cards and thank you's. The problem arose when our mothers insisted we signed off 'with love'.

The other Litster describe how she ended up with tears rolling down her face, the pen shaking in her hand, because she didn't actually 'love' Auntie May so she was being forced to lie! We laughed so much when we realised we'd been through the same ritual of having to lie about 'loving' someone.

We hate lying and being insincere, which sounds admirable except when you have to share the world with NTs who have a different take on lying. I guess auties have no stretchy ruler to measure a lie: it's either true or not.

Since then, I written Xmas cards and emails to friends and made a point of signing off 'with love' or 'much love'. I had to add a note explaining to them that I was claiming the word for my own and that I didn't actually love them (and wasn't going to start stalking them). The problem right now is that I've forgotten who I told this to, so I risk being accused of loving people out of the blue, with no warning or explanation. Xmas 2023 is going to be tough again...

I think it’s because we are very literal. It gets confusing because if we say we love someone, we absolutely mean it. Our relationship with that person may change, but the love still endures.
It’s hard when someone you care about very much asks you if you love them and you reply I hadn’t considered it, meaning of course that you hadn’t considered them with those words, not that you don’t care about them or possibly love them but you’d have to think about it because it’s not something that pops out at you.
We can talk about emotions if we have thought about them, and considered or translated our feelings into nt language. The conversation between two people on the spectrum can sound quite weird to those not on it.
Our saying we like someone can be as powerful as many nts use of the word love, but really, we want to know what it means. Does it mean they will repeatedly stay next to you in the casualty/ER for 6 hrs while doctors work to stabilize you, making sure nothing you will react to is being used or is “love” just a word, an idealized statement of some sort?

 

[stickygirl]

I think it’s because we are very literal. It gets confusing because if we say we love someone, we absolutely mean it. Our relationship with that person may change, but the love still endures.
It’s hard when someone you care about very much asks you if you love them and you reply I hadn’t considered it, meaning of course that you hadn’t considered them with those words, not that you don’t care about them or possibly love them but you’d have to think about it because it’s not something that pops out at you.
We can talk about emotions if we have thought about them, and considered or translated our feelings into nt language. The conversation between two people on the spectrum can sound quite weird to those not on it.
Our saying we like someone can be as powerful as many nts use of the word love, but really, we want to know what it means. Does it mean they will repeatedly stay next to you in the casualty/ER for 6 hrs while doctors work to stabilize you, making sure nothing you will react to is being used or are is “love” just a word, an idealized statement of some sort?

Wow . Thanks Noor - that resonates with me on so many levels. So many in fact I need to think it over. I'm thinking of about five different scenarios where that has had relevance to me.
The one that's up there is the way I'm always anxious/uncertain about starting a new relationship