Being dominated vs. being desired

[Primalex]

I wonder if or how often women confuse these things. They see the pictures of desire on Tumblr, like being pinned against a wall, and then they stumble into BDSM. Then they end up with a dominant person - and they get what they think is desire and passion, but put up with other aspects of a D/s relationship. Like..."I don't mind receiving pain too much and I put up with it to secure the desire and relationship."

 

[lanceGibs]

doesn't there need to be a two-way desire towards E/each O/other to make any domination work?

Only a deep unconditional desire,on both sides, would make that work

 

[Primalex]

doesn't there need to be a two-way desire towards E/each O/other to make any domination work?

Well, there is a difference between the internal emotional state, which also might vary a lot by intensity, and the expression of it.

You can be in love with someone without that person ever knowing about it, too, right? And when we look at the professional area, you wouldn't expect that the professional dominant "desires" the client either.

 

[Acktion]

I get this.

A young lady who shall remain nameless thought she was into spanking. (Heavy emphasis on thought.) So, she shows up bringing everything from a metal-studded leather paddle to single tails and floggers and a crop and I don't remember what all.

Folks, I know how to use everything she brought. Over the decades I'd become pretty adept from light to heavy. She did not want to be spanked. She wanted her butt caressed with the different materials with the occasional cool sound effect.

Another one thought she was into "light bondage." But, she wanted silk scarves used. Which tossed a red flag for me. I made that mistake just once several decades ago back at the beginning of all this and figured out damn quick that silk has far too low a friction co-efficient. Which wouldn't be a problem if the knots would loosen. But, Murphy dictates that any struggle will only tighten.

To misquote Joan Crawford, "No! Silk! Scarves! Ever!"


I could go on. But, yeah. The point is, I know what you mean. Over the decades I have run across several that have confused a desire to be passionately desired and a fascination for some of the trappings for some interest in Bondage and Discipline or Dominance and Submission or SadoMasochism. Yet, even the lightest touch of the reigns will have them bucking and trying to correct me down to something that even Ms. Grundy would approve if a body condom was incorporated.

Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with that. Everyone is entitled to their own fantasies and desires (right up to the point it encroaches on someone else's consent or safety). And really, I'm one of those strange D-types that I just don't get much out of it if it's something she puts up with rather than desires. I'm also very well aware that there is a spectrum of submission, of rope bunny, of masochism and that it's important to recognize where she (and only ever she, sorry fellas) falls on that spectrum, what her limits are.

But, I think that often a pretty meme has confused the issue for some that don't really wish to bend to another's will so much as enjoy the trappings and Disney fantasy they have painted in their heads. As I say, I don't really mind terribly much in my personal life, but I have wondered from time to time when I see those memes and some veiled comment about how awful all the Dominants are.

Honey, if everyone you meet is an asshole, it may be time to take a long look in the mirror. Either you have a proclivity or you're the asshole.

On the other hand, I recall (all too well) one certified full-on pain slut that made a battle-hardened sadist giving a public caning demonstration throw up his hands and back away rather than damage her before she would safeword. And the pictures of her "corgi butt" she posted and was very proud of. (That was a pretty seminal moment in my realization that I wasn't going to be able to provide her with what she needed.)

 

[IrisAlthea]

I wonder if or how often women confuse these things. They see the pictures of desire on Tumblr, like being pinned against a wall, and then they stumble into BDSM. Then they end up with a dominant person - and they get what they think is desire and passion, but put up with other aspects of a D/s relationship. Like..."I don't mind receiving pain too much and I put up with it to secure the desire and relationship."

I think it is very common to confuse dominance and desire/passion.
I think it is one of the biggest reasons why 50 Shades type fiction is so popular.

What you describe is a possible outcome. Outraged disappointment is another.
Worst case, is when they don’t end up with dominance/rough sex, but abuse and still mix it up with passionate desire.

I’m not very familiar with tumbler beyond what I’ve seen when I stumble into a pic thread. Based of what I’ve seen, I’m happy that I got my first impressions of these things from other, less romanticized sources though.

 

[IrisAlthea]

You understand 'desire' more as love than as lust? it's a mix of both i think but maybe it's my young age why i understand it more as lust than as love for a full experience of domination i still think that there needs to be desire for E/each O/other on both ends the professional Dominant will only dominate on the surface and in the other case You mentioned where feelings are withheld from E/each O/other there cannot be the full experience of it either and that's why there needs to be honesty and truth between the P/participants just my thoughts

I don’t think it has to be about withholding or not being honest but more about how desire is expressed. I think it’s pretty universal to be desired by a partner but there is this romantic idea about the can’t control the desire, bodice ripping, must ravage you now, very jealous Heathcliff-type.

 

[Justherb]

I can see that happening. I stumbled across the term Sensual Dominant a while ago and took a liking to it. I don't know if it's really a thing, but it suits our relationship just fine.

 

[KentuckyDom1971]

I am reading the ops post as having an assumed clear line between desire and domination and that the two can not be one and the same.
I believe they can and desire can be expressed in a dominate manner just as it can be expressed in a giving and submissive manner.
Desire can also be expressed in a soft and caring romantic way as well and the person expressing the desire not be honest but acting just as a selfish person that would take on the label of dominate can express desire through dominance and it not be genuine.
Women who are submissive sexually are not so because they are weak or can not think for themselves and are easily fooled by men. They are so because they choose to follow the natural sexual desire that is within them. They are strong and independent and able to make choices for themselves even when society frowns upon their choice.
And if the man, be he dominate, neutral or submissive, has an agenda of self satisfaction and not fulfilling her needs she will discover this sooner rather than later.

 

[RacyWilde]

Yes, a lot of vanillas do not understand BDSM and so get themselves into all sorts of trouble and bad situations, compromising themselves. Knowledge is power. They will soon learn their mistakes.

BUT... then there is the complicated side of submission. Subs desire to do what their Dominants want. Even if they don't like the act, they love the submission. I put my sissy slave in chastity and she hates it - but I love it, and therefore she enjoys it and is satisfied doing it for me. Submission is about making consensual sacrifices to get what you ultimately want – to make your Dominant happy.

I wonder if or how often women confuse these things. They see the pictures of desire on Tumblr, like being pinned against a wall, and then they stumble into BDSM. Then they end up with a dominant person - and they get what they think is desire and passion, but put up with other aspects of a D/s relationship. Like..."I don't mind receiving pain too much and I put up with it to secure the desire and relationship."

 

[wallstreetguy]

There are some men who want to dominate a woman because of anger, hostility, feelings of inferiority, lack of control of their lives.
There are Doms who want to dominate a woman because they love women and want their subs to enjoy the acts as much as they do.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I’ve been thinking about this thread since I first read the opening post. Fascinating topic. I’m inclined to think that many of us simply want to be desired and find raw and primal lust arousing. I don’t think that these desires are necessarily mutually exclusive, but I do see how one can be confused with the other.

My BDSM experience is limited to three partners, each of whom had varying backgrounds and preferences. My preference is to please (of course) which fits nicely with one who wants to dominate. I absolutely endured some serious spankings because my ex wanted to do it and I wanted him to be happy and fulfilled. I do think I struck gold with my current partner and our “BDSM lite” is perfect for both of us.

 

[Kittykan23]

I would like to be desired and dominated.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I’ve been thinking about this thread since I first read the opening post. Fascinating topic. I’m inclined to think that many of us simply want to be desired and find raw and primal lust arousing. I don’t think that these desires are necessarily mutually exclusive, but I do see how one can be confused with the other.

My BDSM experience is limited to three partners, each of whom had varying backgrounds and preferences. My preference is to please (of course) which fits nicely with one who wants to dominate. I absolutely endured some serious spankings because my ex wanted to do it and I wanted him to be happy and fulfilled. I do think I struck gold with my current partner and our “BDSM lite” is perfect for both of us.

This, absolutely.
For me it used to be conflicted though, because I find raw primal lust at odds with control.
Being a control freak, if I was to hand over the reins even for a while, I wanted to hand them to someone in control of the situation and of themselves. At the same time, I wanted that wild abandon.

 

[KatieDoes]

I would like to be desired and dominated.

That part.

I would only want to be dominated by someone that I desired.

I would only submit to a Dom that I knew desired me. He can tease and taunt and torment me along the way (please!) But it’s only good for me if I know that he’s into me, wants me, and cares about my well being.

 

[Primalex]

My preference is to please (of course) which fits nicely with one who wants to dominate.

Does it, though?

If you like to please, why would you need to be dominated?

 

[Mei5ter]

I wonder if or how often women confuse these things. They see the pictures of desire on Tumblr, like being pinned against a wall, and then they stumble into BDSM. Then they end up with a dominant person - and they get what they think is desire and passion, but put up with other aspects of a D/s relationship. Like..."I don't mind receiving pain too much and I put up with it to secure the desire and relationship."

Is it only women, poor things, who get confused? And men don't ever?

 

[OlderBtm4U]

Is it only women, poor things, who get confused? And men don't ever?

Agreed.

 

[Primalex]

Is it only women, poor things, who get confused? And men don't ever?

Who knows - I don't dominate male submissives, so their problems are not my concern. But feel free to make a thread to investigate the things male submissives are confused about if you are curious about that.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Does it, though?

If you like to please, why would you need to be dominated?

I don’t think I need to be dominated. For a long time, with my extremely vanilla ex, things worked fine for me because I love to serve and that itch can be scratched by doing things for others. It works well in my current relationship as he wants to be in control and to be served which is win win.

 

[Primalex]

Because that's what would please my partner most.

Well, according to this logic then, teaming up with someone who does not want to dominate you, would not make you want to be dominated because it does not please him. So, I can repeat my question: Do you need to be dominated or do you need to be desired?

 

[Acktion]

Is it only women, poor things, who get confused? And men don't ever?

Well, sure. When I was still a snot-nose, barely dry behind the ears, I had all sorts of misconceptions about BDSM. In those days, if you'd called me "Dominant" or even hinted I was into all that metal-studded leather wearing crap where they have to beat each other bloody as foreplay, I'd have been seriously offended. Saying such a thing about my lovers, especially my sainted late wife, would have been a quick trip to the dentist.

Hell, just about three and a half years ago, I had an insufferable little know-it-all submissive up in my in-box that nearly busted a gut laughing at my reaction when she said, "oh, please! You are the most Daddy Domly of any I've ever even heard of!" (After a running argument that lasted for two days, the best I could manage was, "but, that's just a loving relationship! Isn't it?")

In my defense, I'd been spending way too much time doing to talk about much beyond "oh, yeah, more of that" or "ow! Shit! Don't do that again!" And the labels and jargon that is so essential to discussion had largely zipped past leaving me with an idea of BDSM as... well, pretty much Gorian, but with more abuse.

And, yeah. I've seen guys that get confused too, but typically on the far side from the Disney fairytale often portrayed in what I think of as the 50 Shades memes. I'm sure there are gals out there that get confused on the rougher PornHub end and guys that get confused on the lighter Disneyfied Meme end, but that's not typical of my experiences.

***shrug*** At the end of the day, I think it all comes down to open honest communication between the people actually involved and valid respect for both of their needs and valid compromises on their desires to make it all work and lingo slinging be damned.

 

[BadAmy]

I like the feeling of being desired. it's a pleasurable experience in a relationship. I think any relationship, sexual or otherwise that grows has an element of desire. IF I didn't desire to know you on a consistent basis, my desire to seek you out wouldn't exist. for me... the next level, that really slices through to my core, is the feeling of being controlled by another. Having to bend to their will. That is the icing for my cupcake.
I don't have confusion, but I do have preference.

 

[Mei5ter]

Who knows - I don't dominate male submissives, so their problems are not my concern. But feel free to make a thread to investigate the things male submissives are confused about if you are curious about that.

I don't dominate male submissives either, but I am still interested in what they have to say.

The title of your thread is gender neutral.

I don't see any reason why potential confusion between being dominated and being desired should be gender-specific.

So, no. I don't have any personal motivation for investigating how male submissives feel about this. But if you don't want them to engage with your question, which I do think is an interesting one, perhaps I should start a thread as you suggest.

 

[Primalex]

I don't dominate male submissives either, but I am still interested in what they have to say.

Okay. So? What is your point? Nobody is stopping you from being interested.

The title of your thread is gender neutral.

This statement is correct.

But if you don't want them to engage with your question, which I do think is an interesting one, perhaps I should start a thread as you suggest.

I'm not stopping them from engaging (how could I), as much as I'm not stopping you to engage here, even though I don't care much about what you've written either. But it's a free speech place.

But yes, maybe you should start a thread here if you feel it is necessary to give people a voice, it would be your first thread in BDSM Talk after all; then we could celebrate your sudden increased engagement.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Is it only women, poor things, who get confused? And men don't ever?

The way you phrased this, I’m not sure it was meant as a question or a critique. I think it is interesting as a question though, so:

I don’t think this particular confusion is as common for men. Our culture tells us different stories about how we are to be, behave and be treated depending on what sex we are and some of it sticks, sometimes deeper than we are aware of.