Dear Agony Aunt...

[Guest]

If you give him a biscuit, he'll probably let you

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

(I was eyeing up his tongue, though! )

 

[pop_54]

Oh sorry Agony Aunt... yes my problem:

Well, My mum has taken to trawling the streets like a hooker.

Dad is in prison for drunkenness, forgery, and displaying his genitals in a public park.

My sister is pregnant, and we don't know which of the Rugby team seeded her.

My older brother has just been locked up for drug dealing, and urinating in a policeman's helmet.

And my younger brother supports Oxford United soccer team.

What the hell are we going to do about young Josh????

 

[doormouse]

Re: Lumpy chunks

THIS IS MY 100TH POST, ITS TOOK ME MONTHS TO GET HERE!

Now to my (friend's) problem.

Dear Agony Aunt

My friend has jelly like lumpies in his spunk, he's had it for years but wont see his doctor. Is this wheely serious.

He's got kids so he doesnt fire blanx and leads a full and happyish (he's married) secks life.

Please reply and put his mind at rest!

It's not me no it isnt honest, it really isnt.

HK

Dear HK,

His problem lies in the fact that he's married.

The inactive sperm coagulates, thus producing those 'chewy' bits.

My advice would be to ditch the wife, and keep his sperm active.

 

[doormouse]

Dear Agony Aunt,

In a recent post some lady asked about her dog licking his willy in public, I have the same problem, and the only job I can get is in the porn industry. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Limber

Dear Limber,

Join the circus and do a double act with the willy licking dog.

He likes biscuits from what I hear

 

[doormouse]

Oh sorry Agony Aunt... yes my problem:

Well, My mum has taken to trawling the streets like a hooker.

Dad is in prison for drunkenness, forgery, and displaying his genitals in a public park.

My sister is pregnant, and we don't know which of the Rugby team seeded her.

My older brother has just been locked up for drug dealing, and urinating in a policeman's helmet.

And my younger brother supports Oxford United soccer team.

What the hell are we going to do about young Josh????

Dear Pop,

While your Mum is trawling the streets, it keeps her out of the casino and she's earning a few bucks.

Maybe your Dad was trying to attract business for your Mum, so I wouldn't be too hard on the poor guy.

Your sister should tell at least half the Rugby team they're the father. With all the maintenance payments, she won't need to work another day in her life.

Maybe your brother couldn't find a loo. Those roadside blocks can be a bit daunting. He sounds like a very ingenious young man. As for the soccer team? They need at least one supporter. Good on him for being so brave

Who's Josh? He could be one of your Mum's John's and you just got his name wrong.

 

[hotchkiss]

Re: Re: Lumpy chunks

Dear HK,

His problem lies in the fact that he's married.

The inactive sperm coagulates, thus producing those 'chewy' bits.

My advice would be to ditch the wife, and keep his sperm active.

Dont worry my. oops I mean his sex life is very active, why do you think I'm on here? He has a mistress, she is called the five fingered widow.

 

[pop_54]

Dear Pop,

While your Mum is trawling the streets, it keeps her out of the casino and she's earning a few bucks.

Maybe your Dad was trying to attract business for your Mum, so I wouldn't be too hard on the poor guy.

Your sister should tell at least half the Rugby team they're the father. With all the maintenance payments, she won't need to work another day in her life.

Maybe your brother couldn't find a loo. Those roadside blocks can be a bit daunting. He sounds like a very ingenious young man. As for the soccer team? They need at least one supporter. Good on him for being so brave

Who's Josh? He could be one of your Mum's John's and you just got his name wrong.

He's the twisted deviant that supports Oxford United.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Dear Auntie Agony,


Last night, during the first set, I forgot to wear my lucky G-string and wound up in the slammer.

They call it public lewdness, but I swear I haven’t had a single ‘lude all summer.

Now, my Boss is docking my pay for time off, and I can’t afford to pay the rent on my e-bode.

My question is:

Should I look for a just one Sugar Daddy who can pay a full month’s rent if I do him a particular favor,
or head for the park and try to make it up in volume?


Just Another Unstrung Heroine

 

[tolyk]

Dear Mousey One,

Yep, jealousy's right!!! Why can't us humans do that?


Good advice, LOL! I thank you.

Lou

Who says humans can't????

 

[doormouse]

Dear Auntie Agony,


Last night, during the first set, I forgot to wear my lucky G-string and wound up in the slammer.

They call it public lewdness, but I swear I haven’t had a single ‘lude all summer.

Now, my Boss is docking my pay for time off, and I can’t afford to pay the rent on my e-bode.

My question is:

Should I look for a just one Sugar Daddy who can pay a full month’s rent if I do him a particular favor,
or head for the park and try to make it up in volume?


Just Another Unstrung Heroine

Dear Unstrung Heroine,

I'd definitely go with the sugar daddy idea, but why stop at one?

If you get a couple, they'll try to outdo each other to impress you and one might end up paying off your e-bode.

I'd also do a favor or two for the arresting officer incase you forget your lucky g-string again.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Dear Auntie A,

I have a friend who has a squirrel problem, she complains about them invading her deck, but I think she may have a small animal fetish.

I'm very worried about her, should I mention this or just send her some peanuts and wish her well?

Signed,
Fleabitten.

 

[doormouse]

LOL!!

Dear Auntie A,

I have a friend who has a squirrel problem, she complains about them invading her deck, but I think she may have a small animal fetish.

I'm very worried about her, should I mention this or just send her some peanuts and wish her well?

Signed,
Fleabitten.

Dear Fleabitten,

Send her some peanuts, and perhaps slip some into her bed when she's not looking. At least the neighbors won't see her trying to lure the squirrels inside that way.

Check her diary a night or two later and get back in touch. She might be an interesting addition to Limber and the willy licking dog's circus act.

 

[wishfulthinking]

Dear Agony Aunt,

a sexy sheila keeps leaving lovely feedback on my stories, but I don't think I ever thanked her.

What should my punishment be?

 

[doormouse]

Dear Agony Aunt,

a sexy sheila keeps leaving lovely feedback on my stories, but I don't think I ever thanked her.

What should my punishment be?

If she's sexy, you'd better fulfill her wishes and get writing on chapter 3 of Captured

Oh, seriously....? hmm...

I think if she read your stories and loved them, that's thanks enough, but if you seriously want to be punished, give the willy licking dog a biscuit and see what happens.

 

[mismused]

No problems, DM, but

this is one of the most original, and funny sites I have visited. You're a great advice giver!

mismused

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Dear Auntie Agony,


Well, I decided to take your advice.

You can have no idea how easy it has been to collect a group of Suggie D's, all from the same group that booked a single table at Joe’s Bar & Grill & Bar. They suggested collective bargaining, and their combined offer sounded quite generous, so I signed the contract that they all agreed should be drawn up to protect my interests. One of their number at the table who was a lawyer did the paperwork for me gratis.

He told me that means it is for free.

As I finished the second set, I saw Sargent Murphy, who arrested me the other night, leaning against the bar, drinking a mug of 80 proof coffee. Recalling your suggestion, I asked him if there was anything I could do for him, out of the ordinary. Pat suggested that we adjourn to his patrol car, where we could discuss the matter. He proved to be excessively friendly, and anxious to explore all the ways we could be of use to one another. In the end, we agreed to do as many favors as we could for each other, and then shook hands upon the agreement.

While entering JB&G&B to get ready for my next set, I was grabbed, and placed under arrest once more.

It appears that Sargent Murphy is not such a swell human being as I first thought. Our discussion, during our meeting in his squad car, was broadcast to all the other patrol cars over his radio, which he had secretly switched on. Sargent Murphy explained that he had been conducting a police sting when I fell into his trap.

I shall probably be arraigned before Judge Pander, tomorrow morning.


The outlook is not so bleak as I first believed. Pat, I mean, Sargent Murphy, got me a private cell, so at least I have finally moved into a nicer apartment. I showed Bill and Dennis — they’re guards — my act, and they fetched me a couple cheeseburgers and some fries before lights out.

With good friends, fast food, and a warm apartment, life doesn’t appear so bleak, but — tra-laa-laa-laa tra-laa-laa-lee, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow.

Send me word with any suggestions you think might be of assistance. If nothing else, it will mean that I get a bit of company when Billy or Denny brings me my mail.



Still Unstrung Heroine.


P.S. That’s right. I have looked all over but still can’t find my lucky G-string,

 

[oggbashan]

Dear Agony Aunt,

My life is being made hell by invasive kookaburras. I've tried slinging tinnies at them but they only laugh louder.

I have even flung full tinnies of ice-cold Fosters at them but now I am harassed by drunken Kookaburras.

What should I do?

Og

PS. My duck-billed platypus is getting drunk on spilled Fosters.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I have even flung full tinnies of ice-cold Fosters at them but now I am harassed by drunken Kookaburras.

What should I do?

Paint your wobblies with meat paste and hang them out for the kook's to peck at, as penance for slinging ice cold Fosters anywhere but down the gullet.

Shanglan

 

[doormouse]

Re: No problems, DM, but

this is one of the most original, and funny sites I have visited. You're a great advice giver!

mismused

Thanks hon, and welcome back!!

There was a thread about you. You're being missed.

 

[doormouse]

Paint your wobblies with meat paste and hang them out for the kook's to peck at, as penance for slinging ice cold Fosters anywhere but down the gullet.

Shanglan

Great advice there Shanglan.

I'm still ... they were FULL cans of Foster's??

That's a crime in Australia!! You're supposed to throw the imported shit... shame!!

 

[Guest]

Dear Aunt Agony,

I've been considering breast augmentation, do you know if there is a home kit available?

Droopiing in Desmoine

You mess with those luscious Breasts and I'll smack you silly. What the hell were you thinkin'?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

You mess with those luscious Breasts and I'll smack you silly. What the hell were you thinkin'?

Um....I don't know?

I used the fat from my ass to make my lips look fuller, big mistake, everytime I talk, people think I'm applauding.

 

[Guest]

 

[Remec]

Dear Agony Aunt,

I am writing to ask for advice on how to deal with Time. It seems that lately I keep finding myself wanting to spend more and more time hanging out and flirting with lovely ladies online. However, they always seem to be several hours ahead or behind me...how can we become more in sync?

Yours,

Chronologically Challenged....

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Better than breaking wind.

We won't even go there.