Dear Agony Aunt...

[doormouse]

Dear Aunt Agony,

What's the best and most polite way to tell someone they have a booger coming out of their nose?

signed,
snotfunny.

Dear snotfunny,

My advice would be to keep a tissue up your sleeve and repeatedly wipe your nose in front of your friend.

If they don't get the hint, they are obviously thick and wouldn't take insults any different.

"You have a booger hanging out of your nose, fuckhead," works for me.

If this fails, I suggest you get a new friend. Nothing worse than having a friend with a slug hanging out of their nostril.

 

[Guest]

Dear Doormouse,

I have a question that has bothered me for years. Perhaps you can answer it.

If a ram is a sheep and an ass is a mule, why is a ram in the ass a goose?

Kunfyoozed

 

[doormouse]

Dear Doormouse,

I have a question that has bothered me for years. Perhaps you can answer it.

If a ram is a sheep and an ass is a mule, why is a ram in the ass a goose?

Kunfyoozed

Dear Kunfyoozed,

Dictionary meaning for goose: A man who is a stupid incompetent fool.

Basically, the clutz missed his mark LOL

 

[doormouse]

Dear Agony Aunt,

I log on to your informative thread and find that there are a few inhibited teenagers posting obviously ridiculous scenarios.

How do I put the underage fantasisers on ignore and still gather the wisdom that you propound?

PS The vet says that the dog will recover.

Dear Don K Dyck,

Get back to my bed and stop worrying your pretty little head.

I'll whisper wisdom in your ear between moans

 

[doormouse]

dear agony aunt i have another addiction problem. i'm absolutely crazy about one of my aunts. She's got this voluptous body. She's 51 and took me to a shrink last time she found out that i was fondling her when she is asleep. i thought that would have been the end of it. But damn its not. she's everything what i looked for in a mature full figured woman(better than mature fat rite??? )
What do i do to control my urges??


oh by the way about that willy licking dog. i just shot it end of story. the whole idea didnt work out


thanx aunt. hope to get ur advice soon

That wasn't the willy licking dog you shot, it was me bending over

Sorry, was trying to see how close I could get to self satisfaction

 

[OzSteamer]

Dear Agony Aunt...

I'm agernizin' about this one - I've been unable to sleep for years thanks to it, and I need an answer!

How could Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers, when pickled peppers are peppers you put in a pot and pickle?

Wouldn't that imply that Peter Pre-Picked The Pickled Peppers in order to pre-pickle the peppers before picking the pickled peppers that Peter picked?

I shall be ever in your debt (do you take cheques? My name is Bill Gates...HONESTLY!) if you can releive me misery!

A Pickled Person...

'Bottle O Whine, Fruit O the Vine,
When ya gonna let me grow..SHOOOWBER!

Who shez zish shtuff ish bad for ya? I feel really mellow!

Hic! Haec! Hoc!

 

[doormouse]

Dear Agony Aunt...

I'm agernizin' about this one - I've been unable to sleep for years thanks to it, and I need an answer!

How could Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers, when pickled peppers are peppers you put in a pot and pickle?

Wouldn't that imply that Peter Pre-Picked The Pickled Peppers in order to pre-pickle the peppers before picking the pickled peppers that Peter picked?

I shall be ever in your debt (do you take cheques? My name is Bill Gates...HONESTLY!) if you can releive me misery!

A Pickled Person...

'Bottle O Whine, Fruit O the Vine,
When ya gonna let me grow..SHOOOWBER!

Who shez zish shtuff ish bad for ya? I feel really mellow!

Hic! Haec! Hoc!

Dear Pickled Person,

Sorry for all the hours of lost sleep caused by this trauma, but there is a simple explanation.

ShockChick loves phallic shaped objects, and since her addiction with vinegar, well... the pickles got pickled in more ways than one.

I'm guessing our friend Peter ate a few pickles before putting them in jars. I hear he's a big fan of salt and vinegar chips

 

[OzSteamer]

Dear Aunt in agony,

At dog training my dog always insists in sitting in the middle of the hall and licking his willy. Any suggestions on how I get him to stop?

Lou - with a randy mutt.

YOU TRAIN YOUR DOG IN YOUR HALLWAY?

Gee that must make fer some tight turns...

OK, as for getting him to stop...hmmmm...have you tried NAPALM?

Oh, that's right, he's in your HOUSE...sorry, you'll scorch the carpet...how SILLY of me!

 

[OzSteamer]

Shanksh, Agunny Aren't...(gurgle, gurgle, gurgle...now how do i type, again? Oh, yesh, thash it...one random letter after another!)

Dear Pickled Person,

Hey shomeone ish callin' my name...yoohoo, yeah, I'm DOWN HERE, on zah floor...why? 'Cause ya can't fall OFF THE FLOOR!

Sorry for all the hours of lost sleep caused by this trauma,

Da BOOZE ish a big help...passhesh the time NICSHELY!

but there is a simple explanation.

ahum, YESH?

ShockChick loves phallic shaped objects, and since her addiction with vinegar, well... the pickles got pickled in more ways than one.

I'll shay! HIC, HAEC HOC!

I'm guessing our friend Peter ate a few pickles before putting them in jars.

Jarring them? Sheesh! (gurgle, gurgle, gurlge!)

I hear he's a big fan of salt and vinegar chips

Shalt and vinnnnneg- how d'you shpell thish?

ROLL OUT DE BARREL!

WE'LL HAVE A BARREL OF BOOZSH!

Now, what wuz I gunna shay? Oh, I dunno.

Beer, beer, give me another barkeep!

 

[OzSteamer]

Postmark: NY, NY 8-27-04 04:28:47 AM

I am not worried.

I do have a question that I hope you will answer, regarding that contract I signed. Do you know what a tontine is?

*I* know what a tontine is...so whose name is at the bottom? Yours? *whew*

Mind you all the dea bodies could be a rather difficult thing to clean up, espeically if you're tied to the bed.

 

[OzSteamer]

Re: Re: Re: Lumpy chunks

Hi hotchkiss

BOY that AV is hot...

*sigh* any of you girls like wetsuits?

 

[OzSteamer]

YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM!

TWELVE MEN ON THE INTERDEPARTMENTAL SUB-COMMITTEE!

The darn booze bus got the rest..sheesh,. iz nuthin' sacred?

Grumble.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Dear Agony Aunt,

On another thread I always seem to post after a Newcastle guy with a fetish for naked chicks being peeled out of wetsuits.

Now I find that once again, this wetsuit lothario has invaded another perfectly good thread with his wicked and devilish inclinations.

Do you think that if you offered to be peeled out of a wet wetsuit and ravaged repeatedly that he would be up to this frenetic session of unmitigated lust and debauchery?

 

[doormouse]

Dear Agony Aunt,

On another thread I always seem to post after a Newcastle guy with a fetish for naked chicks being peeled out of wetsuits.

Now I find that once again, this wetsuit lothario has invaded another perfectly good thread with his wicked and devilish inclinations.

Do you think that if you offered to be peeled out of a wet wetsuit and ravaged repeatedly that he would be up to this frenetic session of unmitigated lust and debauchery?

(truth be told, it's not good on the fur )

Report to my private quarters for punishment Don K Dyck

 

[minsue]

Dictionary meaning for goose: A man who is a stupid incompetent fool.

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/boese/159.gif

 

[doormouse]

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/boese/159.gif

PMSL!!!

Sorry, but it's true!!

It really says that LOL

 

[Guest]

dear agony aunt,

recently, all the fish in my fish tank died (with the exception of one poor little bastard who refuses to be poisoned) *erm* except one who is very strong and he seems lonely.

i wonder if i should just dump him in the atlantic even though hes a fresh water fish ... or should i flush him and save him the slow agony of dying in the cold atlantic waters?

respectfully,

Fishmonger
(of Abbott's seafood restaurant. hard to find, impossible to forget)

 

[doormouse]

dear agony aunt,

recently, all the fish in my fish tank died (with the exception of one poor little bastard who refuses to be poisoned) *erm* except one who is very strong and he seems lonely.

i wonder if i should just dump him in the atlantic even though hes a fresh water fish ... or should i flush him and save him the slow agony of dying in the cold atlantic waters?

respectfully,

Fishmonger
(of Abbott's seafood restaurant. hard to find, impossible to forget)

Dear Fishmonger,

Have you tried cleaning your fishtank in bleach?

Maybe try a bit of kerosine too. Instead of using tap water, try using sodawater (carbonated).

I hear it makes fish (hi)per

If he happens to die, with all that kero, he'd do well on the BBQ.
(okay, she started it LOL)

 

[Guest]

Dear Fishmonger,

Have you tried cleaning your fishtank in bleach?

Maybe try a bit of kerosine too. Instead of using tap water, try using sodawater (carbonated).

I hear it makes fish (hi)per

If he happens to die, with all that kero, he'd do well on the BBQ.
(okay, she started it LOL)

thank you so much for your advise. i will have to try the kero as i hadnt done that yet... itll save me a bundle on firestarter for the grill!

i knew youd come up with the right answer!
kudos, agony aunt, youre the bestest

Fishmonger (rubbing tummy in anticipation)

 

[matriarch]

Dear Fishmonger,

Have you tried cleaning your fishtank in bleach?

Maybe try a bit of kerosine too. Instead of using tap water, try using sodawater (carbonated).

I hear it makes fish (hi)per

If he happens to die, with all that kero, he'd do well on the BBQ.
(okay, she started it LOL)

 

[CharleyH]

Dear Agony Aunt,

Yesterday, I used a public washroom and was quite disturbed by the set up of the toilet paper roll. I reached over, and one ply came off, and then another, and as if in a tug of war, for which the roll was winning, I struggled for yet another sheet as my muscles began to tremble, my knees began to buckle and sweat broke on my forehead.

Surely the powers that be know women need more than one sheet at a time, and certainly they realize that most of us squat, so WHY then do they insist on making the toilet paper experience like a battle scene from the soon to be released Hero?

This of course got me remembering my time working in a restaurant when I would have to fill up the rolls in both the mens and ladies rooms, and I began to think of the other ancient mysteries of restaurant washrooms: Do men know that urinals must be flushed? Why is there always a handprint on the wall above the toilet seat, what's up with the never empty container of liquid soap, and why is there always a pubic hair in the candies?

Any insight into these riddles would be helpful.

Sincerely,
Pleading In Sanitary Seattle

 

[Guest]

Sincerely,
Pleading In Sanitary Seattle

BBBBaaaahhhhaaaahhhahaaaaa...

you clack me up, sexy

 

[CharleyH]

BBBBaaaahhhhaaaahhhahaaaaa...

you clack me up, sexy

'Morning, gorgeous. Shush - these are serious concerns

 

[doormouse]

OMG LOL!!!!!

Dear Agony Aunt,

Yesterday, I used a public washroom and was quite disturbed by the set up of the toilet paper roll. I reached over, and one ply came off, and then another, and as if in a tug of war, for which the roll was winning, I struggled for yet another sheet as my muscles began to tremble, my knees began to buckle and sweat broke on my forehead.

This is to stop the A cups becoming B cups. Do you have any idea of the wasted millions of sheets that get stuffed down bras annually? And NOT to mention the disappointment on the guy's face when he realizes his fantacies were based on a dunny roll!! Designed by a male.

Surely the powers that be know women need more than one sheet at a time, and certainly they realize that most of us squat, so WHY then do they insist on making the toilet paper experience like a battle scene from the soon to be released Hero?

See above

This of course got me remembering my time working in a restaurant when I would have to fill up the rolls in both the mens and ladies rooms, and I began to think of the other ancient mysteries of restaurant washrooms: Do men know that urinals must be flushed? Why is there always a handprint on the wall above the toilet seat, what's up with the never empty container of liquid soap, and why is there always a pubic hair in the candies?

I'm not even going to ask why you think those yellow cubes in the male urinals are candies....

The handprint on the wall? They love looking at their dick. At least that way they have a bit of support.. you know... they have to concentrate so hard so they don't pee on their shoes and all...


Candy?

Any insight into these riddles would be helpful.

Sincerely,
Pleading In Sanitary Seattle [/B]

 

[Guest]

'Morning, gorgeous. Shush - these are serious concerns

Butt
ofcourse it is
'scuse my micterateous interruptous