Dear Chemgirl (Abby)

[StillRain]

I clicked on JUNK and the emoji and nothing.
#sorude

Oh my. How disappointing.

That’s how I feel about the marketing department every time I open my inbox.

 

[StillRain]

And clearly @Bry1313 needs the new iPhone because there must be a malfunction with his old one.

 

[Bry1313]

And clearly @Bry1313 needs the new iPhone because there must be a malfunction with his old one.

You must have a block on marketing materials, all posts came back “return to sender”.

 

[StillRain]

You must have a block on marketing materials, all posts came back “return to sender”.

Typical marketer. Spin spin spin.

 

[CharlieCharlie32]

Typical marketer. Spin spin spin.

I like your style @StillRain , love your snappy comments

 

[StillRain]

I like your style @StillRain , love your snappy comments

Thanks Charlie.

 

[StillRain]

I like your style @StillRain , love your snappy comments

See @Bry1313 i have a fanclub already.

 

[crazychemgirl]

I have a few letter’s waiting for a response…. Chemgirl will be in the office later today hopefully.

 

[crazychemgirl]

Dear Chemgirl,
Should I really let a guy or girl fuck my ass? I’ve never taken it and would love to hear about what it feels like.

-Darknstormy



Dear Darknstormy,
I think anal sex is something that is of interest to a lot of people… and it’s definitely something to explore if you’re interested. I would just recommend before you go straight to fucking, to experiment with toys first. It’s quite a sensitive area and it can be a lot … trying with small toys is a good way to see if it’s actually something you’re into. PLEASE only use ones meant for anal btw… or you might end up in the hospital. Experiment by yourself or with a partner … try ever increasing size of toys .. and build up to anal sex with a person. Do research online as well… tips and tricks from others who do it regularly that might help make it the best experience.
I wish you luck in your adventures!!

 

[Indie]

Dear Chemgirl,
Should I really let a guy or girl fuck my ass? I’ve never taken it and would love to hear about what it feels like.

-Darknstormy



Dear Darknstormy,
I think anal sex is something that is of interest to a lot of people… and it’s definitely something to explore if you’re interested. I would just recommend before you go straight to fucking, to experiment with toys first. It’s quite a sensitive area and it can be a lot … trying with small toys is a good way to see if it’s actually something you’re into. PLEASE only use ones meant for anal btw… or you might end up in the hospital. Experiment by yourself or with a partner … try ever increasing size of toys .. and build up to anal sex with a person. Do research online as well… tips and tricks from others who do it regularly that might help make it the best experience.
I wish you luck in your adventures!!

And don't forget the lube!

 

[BrendaBear]

Dear Chemgirl,
Should I really let a guy or girl fuck my ass? I’ve never taken it and would love to hear about what it feels like.

-Darknstormy



Dear Darknstormy,
I think anal sex is something that is of interest to a lot of people… and it’s definitely something to explore if you’re interested. I would just recommend before you go straight to fucking, to experiment with toys first. It’s quite a sensitive area and it can be a lot … trying with small toys is a good way to see if it’s actually something you’re into. PLEASE only use ones meant for anal btw… or you might end up in the hospital. Experiment by yourself or with a partner … try ever increasing size of toys .. and build up to anal sex with a person. Do research online as well… tips and tricks from others who do it regularly that might help make it the best experience.
I wish you luck in your adventures!!

Ummm… kind of want to see the “bad” advice version for this one too…

 

[crazychemgirl]

YAY GUYS….. A follow-up!


Dear ChemGirl,
Well I took your advice. I got under someone else to forget the first person.

…but it’s been three days and this new person still doesn’t know I’m under the bed. I think I fucked up. At the very least I think I missed a step in your advice? I really have to use the bathroom. How do I recover from this and get out from under this new person?

-Literal in Lexington


Dear Literal in Lexington,
Well… isn’t this quite the predicament you’ve gotten yourself into. I didn’t think my advice could go so terribly wrong … but here we are. At this point you might as well stay there … you can go for the Guinness record for longest time without using the washroom. Bonus if you stay under there think of the fabulous body you’ll have when you finally emerge! You’ll be so snatched … your new guy won’t be able to resist your skeletal self! Also … think of all you’ll learn as a bed hobbit …. You might find out all kinds of secrets and ways to please him …. Maybe you’ll find out he’s into doll-porn and for your emergence you can dress up like a sexy skeletal doll and lay in his bed all sexy like smelling of old BO and fish! He will be running scared and possibly murdering you by bludgeoning you with his clock radio begging you to fuck him!! I hope this new advice works better for you.

 

[crazychemgirl]

Dear Chemgirl,
Every Sunday I have an issue with Monday. I don't know why but Monday feels the need to be cruel and tell me all the bad things are gonna happen...even if they don't!!

Does Sunday hate me that much or did I really hurt Monday's feelings?

-Why Are Days?


Dear Why Are Days,
My dear …. The days are ambivalent to your happiness or suffering … Monday can sooner change its wicked ways as Satan can become God. I think a lot of what you’re feeling might be completely psychosomatic manifestations of your own distaste for Monday..
Something you could do to alleviate this would be to treat Monday as good as you treat Fridays …. You know that Friday feeling when you come home from work knowing you have no obligations the next day and can completely fuck shit up? … you should re-arrange your calendar for yourself and treat Sunday like Friday.
Drink way too much, take your drug of choice, bone (or e-bone) the nearest horny fun person (preferably your boss’ romantic partner) and remember, the longer you stay awake, the longer it takes for morning to come, so I recommend don’t sleep at all. Also, the best hair is yesterdays hair, so skip the shower and grooming you think you need. That’s normal Monday morning stuff, we are above that.
And if your boss asks where the fuck you are on Monday … tell him it’s Saturday and call him a cuntburger.

 

[crazychemgirl]

Dear Chemgirl,
I am in a relationship that I am not sure is good for me (or my partner, for that matter).

You see, there is plenty of love and affection, but we just seem to want different things from life. We can't make decisions about major life choices because we have such different wants. We've been together for over 4 years and have invested a lot into the relationship. It feels like we're at an impass, though. The tough part is, neither of us wants to give up. We just don't know how to move forward.

The whole situation has left me feeling depressed, helpless, and empty. I suspect she feels the same way. Yet, we don't want to call it quits.

What do we do??

-Stuck



Dear Stuck,
I feel for what you’re going through cuz I feel it’s all too common … and I’m sure a lot of people have found themselves in similar situations. It’s why I’ve always admired the religions that make their couples go through counselling sessions before marriage to ensure the two people are on the same page for finances, kids, life goals, etc.
Since you’re already in the thick of it … fat lot of good that would do you now … but possibly it might be kind of helpful to do something similar. Sit down and have a long talk with your significant other about your goals and where each of you want the relationship and your lives to go. Maybe take time between broaching the conversation and actually having it so you can each take time to write down or work through your thoughts. Really think about what means most to you and the things you are absolutely not willing to compromise about, and other things that are more flexible. Hopefully you can find yourself with a plan or a way to work though your differences and find common ground.
If not … I know you don’t want to throw away the love and all you’ve put into it … but think about if you would rather be happier with someone who you have more in common with … or if you could live happily being “stuck”

 

[crazychemgirl]

Dear Chemgirl,
I’ve lost my mojo. How do I find it again?

-Gillian Shagwell


Dear Gillian Shagwell,
Mojo is a fickle thing … one minute you’re riding dick buck wild like a cowgirl on speed … and the next you’re dryer than the Sahara. I think it really depends on what things turn you on and are you doing enough of them to keep your batteries charged. Take a long hard look into your psyche … I know, I know, it’s a dangerous place …, but trust me.
Think about what really revs your engine and try to do a little of it every day … even if it’s something small. Anything to keep that feeling from running away from you. After some time of doing little things daily to tickle your treasures and you’ll be busting mojo all over the place!!

 

[crazychemgirl]

I’m so glad everyone is enjoying this thread

 

[BrendaBear]

I’m so glad everyone is enjoying this thread

 

[crazychemgirl]

Dear Chemgirl,
My wife is driving me crazy blaming me for everything that goes wrong in life. What should I do?

-Arggggghhhhhhhh....


Dear Arggggghhhhhhhh....,
Well that’s unfortunate… nothing like being the bad guy all the time. Since you’re already getting blamed for everything anyway … you might as well take advantage of it.

Don’t feel like putting the toilet seat down? Don’t! … if she falls in the toilet water in the middle of the night .. oh well!

Don’t wanna shower anymore … and just take a break from the mundane task? … who cares? … she can go sleep on the couch if she doesn’t like the smell and her bad sleep is her problem.

Don’t wanna do any of the dirty dishes? … fuck it!! … just leave all the dishes in the sink all the time .. and if she tries to protest by not doing them either … just buy some paper plates!!

I assure you in NO time she won’t be blaming you anymore for anything!!

 

[crazychemgirl]

Dear ChemGirl,

I messed up a friendship I highly value, How do I fix it?

-Idiot Sandwich


Dear Idiot Sandwich,
We’ve all been there … said something or done something and fucked things up … badly. The good thing about friends… is that they will usually forgive you if you are truly sorry and honest.

Last time I fucked up bad with a friend, I made a genuine apology… I told them I really didn’t mean to hurt them and that I was truly sorry for any pain I had caused. I worked hard to discover what exactly it was I had said (or done) wrong … so that I could also get at the root of why it hurt them so badly. I told them I would never do it again…

For me, I also asked what it is I could do to fix it and earn their trust back. Putting it in their hands sometimes helps to show them you really care about their feelings and that you’re not just talking at them.

I hope that you can fix your friendship… anyone who’s friend with you knows you are a sweet and wonderful person and you would never intentionally do anything to hurt anyone!

 

[BrendaBear]

Dear ChemGirl,

I messed up a friendship I highly value, How do I fix it?

-Idiot Sandwich


Dear Idiot Sandwich,
We’ve all been there … said something or done something and fucked things up … badly. The good thing about friends… is that they will usually forgive you if you are truly sorry and honest.

Last time I fucked up bad with a friend, I made a genuine apology… I told them I really didn’t mean to hurt them and that I was truly sorry for any pain I had caused. I worked hard to discover what exactly it was I had said (or done) wrong … so that I could also get at the root of why it hurt them so badly. I told them I would never do it again…

For me, I also asked what it is I could do to fix it and earn their trust back. Putting it in their hands sometimes helps to show them you really care about their feelings and that you’re not just talking at them.

I hope that you can fix your friendship… anyone who’s friend with you knows you are a sweet and wonderful person and you would never intentionally do anything to hurt anyone!

I once told a good friend (who I didn’t know was a vegetarian) that I am a carnivore, because I am against the usless slaughtering of vegetation.

He was very insulted! I was shocked he took that seriously! Luckily he accepted my sincere apology… and I resisted the urge to try to make up to him for my callous attempt at humor by taking him out for a burger.

true story.

 

[crazychemgirl]

Bump!

 

[crazychemgirl]

Dear Chemgirl,
Can you take a look at this? I think it's swollen!

Signed,
Maybe I Should Put Some Ice On It


Dear Maybe I Should Put Some Ice On It,
I have a feeling … any advice I give you will fall on deaf ears because … we’ve been here before, haven’t we?
The time when you stuck it in tube of the vacuum cleaner?
The time you tried to put it in the OJ container hole?
The time you tried to put it in the new drain pipe on the house?

See? This is a pattern of behaviour that needs to be addressed.
I think you should consider why you have the urge to stick it every possible place you think it might fit, and even places your brain knows it won’t.

Is it because you are concerned about its size in relation to other people and its ability to perform the duty it was designed for? If so, maybe consider that size is only a number and there’s so many other things to consider in relation to performance.

Is it because you have the burning urge to plug holes? In which case, maybe you should consider carrying with you some silly putty to give you that feeling of plugging without using your physical body.

I think you should spend some time exploring these issues, and not exploring holes not meant to be explored.

And yes definitely, put ice on it.

 

[crazychemgirl]

Office is Open! … any requests for advice can be sent via PM.


REMEMBER to specify:

A pseudonym
Whether you want good or bad advice

 

[crazychemgirl]

Dear ChemGirl,
I have a problem. I'm terrible at flirting, I think I'm doing a great job and then it turns out I suck at it. How do I get better at flirting?

-Hey Girl...


Dear Hey Girl…,
Well flirting is a skill that all try but only a select few master … and as a MASTER of flirting … I can share with you some gems I’ve learned over the years.
First there is long distance flirting ..: If there is someone you see across the room and you are keen to let them know you’re interested… you should definitely stare at them and when they finally look your way (cuz they will, I guarantee it)… you must, without breaking eye contact… give them your biggest million watt smile. Make sure you show all your teeth and look as intense as possible … that way they know for sure your intentions are clear. Now, the mastery is in what you do next. Are you ready to take it to the next level?
First contact flirting… now that you’ve shown them your best face… it’s time to wow them with words. You should saunter over to their location, but be coy and sexy as you do. This means only look up occasionally to wink at them. If you knock some chairs over or walk into someone on the way … so be it. That will just show them how into them you are and they will definitely be flattered. Once you are close enough, you will have to use your best first line possible so you stand out to them and make your intentions clear. I recommend some of the following:
“Have you ever been tied to a bed and blindfolded by a stranger?”
“Has anyone told you how good you would look screaming my name?”
“My car is in the parking lot, gassed and ready for you to join me”

Any one of these is a sure bet to encourage them to begin to fall hopelessly in love (or in lust) for you.

Then it’s the kicker …

Close contact flirting … this is where you can touch yourself or touch them … and it basically seals the deal.
It’s truly the easiest and simplest of steps. Either grabbing your crotch or theirs while staring deep into their eyes and giving them that full teeth smile again.

I hope you can take this advice and practice… be careful though.. you might end up with so many suitors you won’t know what to do!!

 

[Indie]

Great advice. There's no way that could go wrong