Discreet Bi Women...

[Macy02]

First up, this is very cool. Being able to talk about how the whole 'bi-curious' thing works is fantastic.

But. It is very apparent from your posts that you have never actually done this, that is, sex with a woman, and I think you may be totally underestimating the emotional connection two women have in bed. It's nothing like sex with men (trust me, lots of experience with both), even with a woman you've only just met. It's MUCH more intimate (think of going down on another woman for starters), and there is no way you could both come out unscathed.

What I'm trying to say is, it's all very well saying "if I'm clear from the start I don't want any strings then it's her problem if she develops feelings for me". But I think that's an incredibly detached, cold and selfish way of approaching it. Using a woman for sex is traditionally the domain of men, and I think it's dangerous territory for women, who frankly should be more compassionate, to get into. Sure, I've met a few lesbians out there who fuck around, but they're not happy and easily develop crushes too.

I think the idea of two married/hetero-committed women to get together is great. At least then there's not as much danger of one of them falling in love and finding themselves willing to live in a gay relationship, with all that entails, while the other is firmly in the closet. The closet is a very strong little box, and for those of us who've broken free, it's impossible to go back in. I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too.

Anyway. Rant over. When it comes down to it, finding a sexy, femme, not-too-fucked-up lesbian is nigh on impossible!!! So sometimes we have to look outside the square and grab the straight, weak ones. LOL Great for the ego....for a while at least!

I have never done this. (I've said that from the start) Which is why I’m here talking to others....it is a very complicated issue to be sure. I wish it were not so complicated and sometimes I do worry that I am over analyzing.

I’m not looking for someone to use, I want us to be friends so we can share the whole experience before/during/after. I don’t know if it will be a one time thing or if it may go on. I’m not looking for a one night stand necessarily, but I need my “friend” to understand that I cannot/will not leave my husband and family. I would certainly want to be up front and honest about this issue from the beginning. Hence the idea that it might be best to find someone in a similar situation (ie a married/hetero-committed woman).

I do not define my self as bi-sexual – I am simply curious.

I would love to find a woman I can talk openly to about such things, and if at some point we decide to experiment with each other great, if not that’s ok too-no pressure. I'd be willing to include our husbands/SO too if the situation was right.

Anyway, I appreiciate your candor Aussie-ella, and everyone who is posting here. It can be a complicated issue and it is precisely because I don’t want anyone to get hurt that I’m cautious about jumping into the deep end of the pool so to speak.

And thanks Min...I need friends.
Macy

 

[mizzbhaven]

my experience

Hi Macy,

I have just found your thread and I it really caught my attention and kept it too , so much that I registered just to respond to you. You brought me
out of my lurrker closet lol.
I am intrigued by your "commitment" to trying to understand what it is you really would like to happen and not just jumping into a fling, one night stand, going behind your dh's back etc. You sound like a very caring and smart women!! I applaud everything you have done to try let your dh know your needs. Its not easy at all. It takes alot of courage to put yourself out there to the hubby and hope he doesnt freak out or that it makes it worse between you, and then again if he doesn't repsond at all .....then what??? Then its like it came become torture and you are left with all this to yourself, and for me I know it doesn't go away.
Anyway, what made me also want to repsond is this. (forgive me for the long babble ....) I am married for 18 years and have always wanted to be with a woman. My dh and I would tease and have lil small role play in bed about having another woman etc, but it never got too far. I would test the waters a bit more but I couldn't get him to go any further with it. I was too chicken to come right out and say that I wanted to sleep with a woman. But also because I really wanted to only experience it with her, not a threesome. You have mentioned that you feel you are probably hetero and just curious, but for me I felt like I was more bi-leaning towards lesbian more strongly then hetero. Well our sex life was not that great and I was basically just doing it for him anymore. Things got bad and I went to counseling and it didn't help us at all. It made it worse and then we became even more distant with the closeness intimate communication etc, and I eventually found a friend to "lean" on during this time. We became very very close and opened our hearts up to one another. As much as I never ever ever thought I would expose this part of myself to her, it happened. We became intimate. She also was married and had kids too. We live in a very small rural town and discretion was important to both of us. Also for other obvivious reasons of being married. We discussed at length all the possible "side effects" that this could bring. We had our "rules" and talked everything through. At first we thought it would ruin our friendship, and we both agreeded that, that was too important to risk, but we both wanted to experience it. We thought we could keep it on a different level and not have a relationship that would interfere with our marriage etc. Neither one of us really wanted to leave our dh's or break up our family. However as time went by it was impossible for us not fall in love and want more. It was also hard because of the guilt of cheating. Im sure there are ppl reading this right now who are ready to flame me up one side and down the other for cheating and Im sure it will come. I was wrong to cheat, and I have paid for it in many ways. Thats why I think its great for you to really think things through before you do anything.
You're probably wondering what the damn point is already lol, I dont know lol. Just wanted to share my experience with you and let you know that being with a woman is the most incredible, sensual, passionate, intimate aliveness that I have ever had!! The emotional connection, the eye contact....... sigh...... I like sex with men ok, I could get pleasure but not like what I got with a woman. There is so much more that went with all of this, but I guess I rambled on long enough. Just be careful because (i can just speak for me) going back to sex with dh was never the same. It can change everything, and it has.......I am forever changed..........

MsB

 

[Minouners]

I know the reply wasn't meant for me but thanks mizzbhaven for sharing your story.

 

[Macy02]

nothing and everything

Thanks Mzbehavin.... as I said in one of my earlier posts...what am I afraid of "everything and nothing".

As you noticed, I'm not willing to just jump into a fling. I'm working on bringing dh around and part of that may or may not involve a threesome, or even another hetero couple. (though DH will not be having any m/m activity-his choice).

There are so many things to consider-and it will probably take some time to find the right person. But I cant help that I think about it alot and I am not willing to give up hope that she is out there. And I sometimes I think I am asking for too much, but I don't think it would be wise to lower my standards either.

I appreciate all the thoughts and comments, please keep them coming because it is through this kind of discussion that we can all become more informed.

M..........

 

[Minouners]

I think she is out there for sure. You just have to be patient. Good things comes to those who wait!!

 

[Macy02]

Patience....

I think she is out there for sure. You just have to be patient. Good things comes to those who wait!!

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Patience, I'm learning, is a virtue.....[/FONT]

 

[Minouners]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Patience, I'm learning, is a virtue.....[/FONT]

That it is. But the good news is. You have people that can support you on the way. Like me! (and of course the other fellow literoticans)

 

[mizzbhaven]

There are so many things to consider-and it will probably take some time to find the right person. But I cant help that I think about it alot and I am not willing to give up hope that she is out there. And I sometimes I think I am asking for too much, but I don't think it would be wise to lower my standards either.

I agree with Min, I am sure someone will come your way, and probably when your not looking.... seems to work that way alot of the time. But in the meantime I totally can relate to your thinking about it alot. I was the same way.

 

[mizzbhaven]

I know the reply wasn't meant for me but thanks mizzbhaven for sharing your story.

Your welcome Min, I know the more ppl's experiences I can read or relate to can only help.

MsB

 

[Minouners]

So here I was thinking last night that I might have a problem and I need everyone's input or advice no matter what it is. (negative or positive, throw it at me!!)

In case some of you do not know, I have a boyfriend which I have been with for many years now. We live together and there's a good chance we'll eventually get married (unless something happens of course). I love him to pieces but there's something missing.

Since I am bisexual, I should be wanting males and females right? Well, last night, one of my male friends was hitting that he would love to have sex with me. He's a good looking man but the thought of it turned me off completely. Now, I know it should because I have a boyfriend but the only thing that I could think of was, if you had a vagina, then I'd consider it.

So this is my problem.... (I'm using the word problem lightly of course). Am I slowly turning to women completely? Has anyone ever been in this situation? Am I just rambling on for nothing??

Anything helps... Thanks...

 

[naughtyinsilk]

So here I was thinking last night that I might have a problem and I need everyone's input or advice no matter what it is. (negative or positive, throw it at me!!)

In case some of you do not know, I have a boyfriend which I have been with for many years now. We live together and there's a good chance we'll eventually get married (unless something happens of course). I love him to pieces but there's something missing.

Since I am bisexual, I should be wanting males and females right? Well, last night, one of my male friends was hitting that he would love to have sex with me. He's a good looking man but the thought of it turned me off completely. Now, I know it should because I have a boyfriend but the only thing that I could think of was, if you had a vagina, then I'd consider it.

So this is my problem.... (I'm using the word problem lightly of course). Am I slowly turning to women completely? Has anyone ever been in this situation? Am I just rambling on for nothing??

Anything helps... Thanks...

IMHO, you are probably not turning to women completely, its just that as your boyfriend is satisfying the male side of your sexuality, you felt no need to take another male on. Your desire for a women is the part that is currently unfulfilled, therefore, thats why I think the space for a third person in your life is exclusively for a lady, to provide the balance you seek in your sexual wants.

 

[Minouners]

IMHO, you are probably not turning to women completely, its just that as your boyfriend is satisfying the male side of your sexuality, you felt no need to take another male on. Your desire for a women is the part that is currently unfulfilled, therefore, thats why I think the space for a third person in your life is exclusively for a lady, to provide the balance you seek in your sexual wants.

You a very wise... Thank you!

 

[naughtyinsilk]

You a very wise... Thank you!

*blushes*

Now I feel like a crossdressing yoda

 

[Macy02]

I don't have any advice for you but I like what "NaughtyinSilk" suggested.

Hope you are feeling better.
M

 

[sexywench1961]

I agree with naughty-- any time any guy has hit on me, I have not been interested because I love my husband and don't desire anyone other guy. Now, another woman, that's another story!

 

[Minouners]

It's good to know that I'm not the only one and that you guys agree with eac hother. That puts my mind at ease!

But if another woman were to present herself... ohhhhhh boy! lol

 

[newfiegurl]

If you are a woman who is happily married/committed but bi or bi-curious, here is a thread where you can talk freely with other women in the same position.

sounds like me....happily married with someone I wouldn't hurt for anything. My fantasies always involve being with another woman. I am more strongly attracted to women than men.
Had a threesome with another firl and a guy before...but she and I didn't really get below the waist...I wish I had of when I had the chance.

 

[Macy02]

sounds like me....happily married with someone I wouldn't hurt for anything. My fantasies always involve being with another woman. I am more strongly attracted to women than men.
Had a threesome with another firl and a guy before...but she and I didn't really get below the waist...I wish I had of when I had the chance.

Welcome to the board.
Macy

 

[SweetErika]

sounds like me....happily married with someone I wouldn't hurt for anything. My fantasies always involve being with another woman. I am more strongly attracted to women than men.
Had a threesome with another firl and a guy before...but she and I didn't really get below the waist...I wish I had of when I had the chance.

Welcome, NG.

Is your husband opposed to the idea of you with another woman, or a FFM threesome?

 

[newfiegurl]

My hubby has a bit of a problem in that department. He's 50 now and has been impotent since he was 22.(we've been together 5 years) In the past year his penis has developed a really weird "kink"(for lack of better word) in it. So I don't think that adding another woman would really be an option.(he's not really sexually agressive either). That wouldn't really do it for me either. I would like a one on one with another woman. He knows about it but at the same time I don't think he "really" knows how serious I am or how much I think about it. I make comments now and again but I really don't think he thinks I'm serious.

 

[Minouners]

My hubby has a bit of a problem in that department. He's 50 now and has been impotent since he was 22.(we've been together 5 years) In the past year his penis has developed a really weird "kink"(for lack of better word) in it. So I don't think that adding another woman would really be an option.(he's not really sexually agressive either). That wouldn't really do it for me either. I would like a one on one with another woman. He knows about it but at the same time I don't think he "really" knows how serious I am or how much I think about it. I make comments now and again but I really don't think he thinks I'm serious.

That's understandable. I can say that I relate to your situation completely. I have mentioned to my boyfriend that I would want to be with another woman and he insists that he join. Now, I can't blame him since it's every man's fantasy (well not every man, but I'm just saying for the sake of argument). But for my first experience I would want to be alone with the woman. Now he thinks that I'm just saying this and won't do anything about it and sometimes he's even in denial about it.

I guess it all depends on his mood but he even got angry once and yelled "you're not bisexual, get over it". Not good but I don't even think I can start to understand how he feels. I mean, I know that I would probably be a little insecure if he was bi as well but those are the breaks and I can't change the way I feel.

So good luck and I hope you find your happiness!

 

[naughtyinsilk]

That's understandable. I can say that I relate to your situation completely. I have mentioned to my boyfriend that I would want to be with another woman and he insists that he join. Now, I can't blame him since it's every man's fantasy (well not every man, but I'm just saying for the sake of argument). But for my first experience I would want to be alone with the woman. Now he thinks that I'm just saying this and won't do anything about it and sometimes he's even in denial about it.

I guess it all depends on his mood but he even got angry once and yelled "you're not bisexual, get over it". Not good but I don't even think I can start to understand how he feels. I mean, I know that I would probably be a little insecure if he was bi as well but those are the breaks and I can't change the way I feel.

So good luck and I hope you find your happiness!

IMHO, its definitely a case of insecurity. He is not so much worried about you having sex with a woman, he is more concerned that you will fall in love with her and that he will lose you forever.
Although its not what you want, it may make things easier in the long run, if the first time he is there, watching, it may give him the confidence to then remove any objections to you sleeping with a woman on your own.

I know its not the ideal solution, but sometimes we have to compromise to get the things we desire.
Good luck, I hope you find a way to work it out

 

[SassySuzie]

IMHO, you are probably not turning to women completely, its just that as your boyfriend is satisfying the male side of your sexuality, you felt no need to take another male on. Your desire for a women is the part that is currently unfulfilled, therefore, thats why I think the space for a third person in your life is exclusively for a lady, to provide the balance you seek in your sexual wants.

I think I would have to agree with this...for the most part. While married I had no desire to have sex with another man. I was very well satisfied in that way, at least until the last 5 years of my marriage when I went into sexual hibernation...and that's a story that I've written about on another thread.

I had always been curious...like for as long as I can remember. The only way for me to satisfy my curiosity was to suggest the threesome to my husband, who would have felt threatened if I had just point blank said I wanted to try girl sex. I'm still not sure what need it filled in me though. I had a good time, it was hot and sexy and yet it made me realize that I am much more drawn toward men, than women. I love women as girl friends...and that's the sort of sex it was with the woman I experimented with...it was not romantic, it was hot, and sexy...and if she had less drama in her life, it might even have been fun. I'd love to possibly try it again one day and have fun, yet if it never happens again for me, I can be ok with that too. Yet I think that's because I had my curiosity satisfied. Had I not, I believe I would still be longing for the experience.

 

[Minouners]

IMHO, its definitely a case of insecurity. He is not so much worried about you having sex with a woman, he is more concerned that you will fall in love with her and that he will lose you forever.
Although its not what you want, it may make things easier in the long run, if the first time he is there, watching, it may give him the confidence to then remove any objections to you sleeping with a woman on your own.

I know its not the ideal solution, but sometimes we have to compromise to get the things we desire.
Good luck, I hope you find a way to work it out

I think you are right because he had also mentioned that he was afraid that I'd run off with the other woman. But then, I think that I would also worry that he'd run off with her. It's such a sensitive issue and I know that once it is done, there's no going back and I'm not sure what the outcome will be at that scares me.... a lot.

So this is my dilemma. Do I go through with it or just leave it as a fantasy... sigh....

 

[Minouners]

I think I would have to agree with this...for the most part. While married I had no desire to have sex with another man. I was very well satisfied in that way, at least until the last 5 years of my marriage when I went into sexual hibernation...and that's a story that I've written about on another thread.

I had always been curious...like for as long as I can remember. The only way for me to satisfy my curiosity was to suggest the threesome to my husband, who would have felt threatened if I had just point blank said I wanted to try girl sex. I'm still not sure what need it filled in me though. I had a good time, it was hot and sexy and yet it made me realize that I am much more drawn toward men, than women. I love women as girl friends...and that's the sort of sex it was with the woman I experimented with...it was not romantic, it was hot, and sexy...and if she had less drama in her life, it might even have been fun. I'd love to possibly try it again one day and have fun, yet if it never happens again for me, I can be ok with that too. Yet I think that's because I had my curiosity satisfied. Had I not, I believe I would still be longing for the experience.

Thanks for sharing your story SS. It's good to hear other peoples stories because it helps in decision making! I think you're right on the "Had I not, I believe I would still be longing for the experience." I'm in that situation right now. I guess time will tell...