hot tub and dirty jokes......

[BooMerengue]

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.



Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't use the duct tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to potty.

If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

 

[Ammo44]

Boo,

You are hilarious!!!! Stil laughing here

 

[BooMerengue]

life

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news, he said, "Edna I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon did you say I can go home?"


Ammo- don't thank me... I didn't write them!! I just clean my mailbox out here!! LOL uuhhhh.... Ammo... do you wear a hair net? Maybe we better meet at the wax parlor, you think? And... I don't suppose you know a lovely dangerous lady who would also like a position?? hmm???

 

[BooMerengue]

Ohhhh Muffy-YU sooooooooo much! You make me laugh each and everytime!!


For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX.

Things I've Learned From My Children (honest & no kidding)

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already to late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lot's of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super Glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade.....true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read ".....And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then, and asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...."Holy shit! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

and...

 

[BooMerengue]

Just live with him....you don't have to marry him....I don't need any grandchildren.

Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle.

How on earth can you see the TV, sitting so far back?

Don't bother wearing a jacket.....it's quite warm out.

Let me smell that shirt.....yeah, it's good for another week.

I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.

Yeah, I used to skip school too.

Just leave all the lights on....it makes the house more cheery.

Can you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it too?

Run, bring me the scissors. Hurry!

Aw, just turn those undies inside out. No one will ever know.

I don't have a tissue on me......Just use your sleeve.

Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me.

Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?

My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind skipping dinner, do you?

I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a check to renew it.

If she wants you both to move back east to live near her family it's fine with me.

Mother's Day, Shmother's Day. You just go to the beach and enjoy yourself.

You don't have to call me every week. I know how busy you are.

Your father is a saint. You should only be just like him

You are so lucky to have your in-laws.

Your wife knows best....forget about the advice I gave you.

 

[BooMerengue]

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman:
- I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies: - But, madam, computers do not have
curtains....
And the blonde said: - Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[BooMerengue]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humor." The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your knee."

 

[BooMerengue]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter
from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry! Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were
57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.
Love,
Ricky

 

[BooMerengue]

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into
labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a
lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there,
said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I
think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he
had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down
there's another one." said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had
delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that
lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming." cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?



I only give that one a 3...LOL
http://www.webdeveloper.com/animations/bnifiles/horse6.gif

 

[BooMerengue]

Oh, Muffy Muffy Muffy!!




Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin

Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin...Issue by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites.

01)
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner.They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

02)
Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

03)
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's calledCoke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

04)
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, WilliamFaulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

05)
We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

06)
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to
Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick your ass.

07)
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

08)
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

09)
Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10)
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us
have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't_ like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11)
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12)
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13)
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14)
So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside?
That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore_ or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15)
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

 

[BooMerengue]

TO BE SIX AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again, " she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, Got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on
every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and Collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!" The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Ladies... this is true... but there's another moral here... if you don't speak up- expect to get drug down where you don't want to go!

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/child34.gif

 

[redrider4u]

dont ya.............

ya like how folks move south to enjoy it and then tell us how to reamake the south to looke like the north!

Oh, Muffy Muffy Muffy!!




Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin

Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin...Issue by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites.

01)
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner.They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

02)
Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

03)
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's calledCoke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

04)
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, WilliamFaulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

05)
We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

06)
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to
Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick your ass.

07)
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

08)
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

09)
Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10)
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us
have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't_ like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11)
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12)
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13)
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14)
So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside?
That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore_ or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15)
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

 

[Owlz]

Re: dont ya.............

This is *priceless*, red! Thank you for posting it. LOL!

Owlz

 

[Owlz]

Sorry, Boo, my mistake. I should've attributed that to you.

 

[Magnolia]

hmmmmm siome will like this.....

A blonde bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued.....and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.

The blond drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved just in time to avoid him.

"ASSHOLES!" she yelled....... Suddenly on came the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie Chicks.

 

[Magnolia]

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

for those of you who dont have this problem
count your blessings



-
An Article by Bob





Dear Friends,





It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did
when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.





Let me relate how I handle the situation.





When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in
April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she
started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try
not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as
we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several
times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes
to bed. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly.





Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she just can't make
another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as
she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday
lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or
Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until
the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do
some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or
dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.





Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to
offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know
what I mean.





When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I
try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I
tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is
making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break
by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.





I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a
daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it
impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become
as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a
little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was worthwhile.





Signed, Bob





BOB'S FUNERAL was on Saturday, January 25th.





NANCY was ACQUITTED Monday, January 27 th.

 

[Magnolia]

smile

> Teen-Age Sex
>
> The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
>was having sex. Worried the girl
> might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,
>she consulted the family doctor.
>
> The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
>attempt to stop the girl would
> probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her
>daughter to be put on birth
> control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
>
> Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
>woman told her about the
> situation and handed her a box of condoms.
>
> The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
>saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to
> worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Church
> A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
>preacher's hand. He said
> "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned
>good!"
>
> The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
>profanity".
>
> The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put
>five thousand dollars in the
> offering plate!"
>
> The preacher said, "No shit?"
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> Pancakes
> Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With
>some hesitation, they explained
> that although their little angel appeared to be in good health,
>they were concerned about his
> rather small penis.
>
>After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just
>feed him
> pancakes. That should solve the problem."
>
>The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
>large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
>"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
>
> "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
>

 

[Magnolia]

smile ohhhhhhhhhhh well some very fine Troopersssssssssss smile that might be a

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes
convertible
SLK.
> >> >
> >> > He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and
> >> > enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left
> >>on his
> >> > head.
> >> >
> >> > "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked
> >> > in his rear view mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol
> >>Trooper
> >> > behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get
> >>away
> >> > from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it
some
> >>more and
> >> > flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I
> >> > doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to
> >>the side
> >> > of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with
> >>him.
> >> >
> >> > The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the
> >> > man." Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30
> >> > minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a
> >>reason why you
> >> > were speeding; that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
> >> >
> >> > The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife
> >> > ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing
> >>her back."
> >> >
> >> > The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day".

 

[Magnolia]

hmm need to go check yard for FROGSSSSSS

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed
> a pet to keep her company.........
> So off to the pet shop she went......
> She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her
> interest, except this ugly frog......
> As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and
> he winked at her......
>
> He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU
> WONT BE SORRY."
>
> The old lady figured....WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found
>anything else.
>
> She bought the frog and put him in the car........
>
> Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND
>YOU WONT BE SORRY"................
>
>
> So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
>
> IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous
> sexy young handsome prince.
> THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........
> AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO???????????
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE
> COULD FIND.................................
>
>
> She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!
>

 

[Magnolia]

NO COMMENT

Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the shit
out of you.

Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the
less firm they are.

Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long
enough.

Men are like ... Weather ........ Nothing can be done
to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're
not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually
head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich,
warm,& can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word
they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores ...Their clothes are always
1/2 off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds ...They take soooooooo long to
mature.

Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at
the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but
only for a little while.

Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when
they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not
very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are
taken, the rest are handicapped

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any
understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to
know !!!!!!!!!!

 

[Magnolia]

soos who is Dumb???

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the shit...


1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why was that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines."

1st Hillbilly: "Why was that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuttin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb 'bout that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"

 

[Magnolia]

shaking head..................

Oral sex cure





A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One
of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response
on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as
this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of
the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close
the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes
the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run
into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and
says, "I think she choked."

 

[Magnolia]

hmmmmmmm wonder what he thought...

Too good not to share. ;o)

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought
some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came
walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde
passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning,
Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on
by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even
saw them. Once again the two priests incognito settled on the beach in
their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous
topless blonde, wearing nothing more than a string, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good
morning, Father" and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute
young lady." Yes?" she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I
have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we
are?"

"Father, it's me..., Sister Angela," she replied.

 

[Magnolia]

IF THEN !!!!!!!!

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing either.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire
gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion
starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just
want you to hold me for a while." I said, "WHAT??"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads. She explains
that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

I'm thinking," What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is
going to happen that night, so I go to sleep.The very next day we went
shopping at a big department store. I walked around while she tried on
three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I
told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I
say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept.where she gets a set of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought
that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I
think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she
doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her
that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen
her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I
could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel
like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face - it went completely blank. I then said,

"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"You're obviously not in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of 2005.

 

[Magnolia]

smile HI

Subj: Weight Loss Program


A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs as soon as possible due to very serious health risks.

As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads; "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5- day / 20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door. He opens it to find a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads.........

"If I catch you, ... you're mine."