hot tub and dirty jokes......
- Thread starter Kat-44
- Start date
baby blue
BRAT
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2002
- Posts
- 1,246
I got these from a friend and thought I would share. 
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am,
if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221."
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am,
if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221."
baby blue
BRAT
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2002
- Posts
- 1,246
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous
woman.
He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very
interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises
and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
woman.
He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very
interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises
and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
baby blue
BRAT
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2002
- Posts
- 1,246
And another.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've
got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've
got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
baby blue
BRAT
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2002
- Posts
- 1,246
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home,
and his wife could see at once that something was
seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle
slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home,
and his wife could see at once that something was
seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle
slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
baby blue
BRAT
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2002
- Posts
- 1,246
Ok Ok. This is the last one.
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning
when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting
here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at
the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were
fifty years ago."
"I shouldn't be surprised," stated the old man. "One of your nipples is in your coffee,
and the other is in the oatmeal."
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning
when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting
here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at
the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were
fifty years ago."
"I shouldn't be surprised," stated the old man. "One of your nipples is in your coffee,
and the other is in the oatmeal."
captjack
Rogue of Rapture
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 2,120
Only in America
Only In America
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Only In America
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Magnolia
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 453
shit !
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Magnolia
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 453
laughing
WHAT SEX ARE THEY?
ZIPLOC BAGS -
male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.
SHOE -
male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.
COPIER -
female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE -
male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON -
male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire
under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -
female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
THE SUBWAY -
male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS -
female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER -
male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -
female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider this: it
gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MSN 8 helps ELIMINATE E-MAIL VIRUSES. Get 2 months FREE*.
WHAT SEX ARE THEY?
ZIPLOC BAGS -
male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.
SHOE -
male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.
COPIER -
female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE -
male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON -
male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire
under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -
female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
THE SUBWAY -
male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS -
female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER -
male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -
female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider this: it
gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MSN 8 helps ELIMINATE E-MAIL VIRUSES. Get 2 months FREE*.
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2002
- Posts
- 5,456
I don't have a dirty joke but I have a dirty ditty I wrote...can I put part of it here?? It's for Women Only, but I think all men should read it too!
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
For Magnolia.......
A Golf Lesson......
A husband takes his wife to play her first game
of
> golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her
first shot
> right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent
> to the course.
>
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful! Now
> we'll have to go up there, find the owner,
apologize
> and see how much your lousy drive is going to
cost us."
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and
knocked on the
> door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
>
> When they opened the door they saw the damage
that was
> done: glass was all over the place, and a
broken
> antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken
> window.
>
> A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you
the people
> that broke my window?"
>
> "Uh...yes. We're sure sorry about that," the
> husband replied.
>
> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want
to thank
> you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been
trapped in that
> bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
released
> me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each
> one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the
last one
> for myself."
>
> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He
pondered a
> second and blurted out, "I'd like a million
dollars a
> year for the rest of my life." "No problem,"
said the
> genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll
> guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
>
> "And now you, young lady, what do you want?"
the genie
> asked.
>
> "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants
> in every country in the world," she said.
>
> "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
homes will
> always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
> disasters!"
>
> "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's
your
> wish, genie?"
>
> "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle
and haven't
> been with a woman in more than a thousand
years, my
> wish is to sleep with your wife."
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey,
> you know we both now have a fortune, and all
those houses.
> What do you think?"
>
> She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know,
> you're right. Considering our good fortune, I
guess I
> wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
>
> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the
husband.
> "I'd do the same for you!"
>
> So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they
>
> spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each
other. The
> genie was insatiable. After about three hours
of nonstop
> fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her
> eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?"
>
> "Why, we're both 35," she responded
breathlessly.
>
> "Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of
you still
> believe in genies?"
A Golf Lesson
A Golf Lesson......
A husband takes his wife to play her first game
of
> golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her
first shot
> right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent
> to the course.
>
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful! Now
> we'll have to go up there, find the owner,
apologize
> and see how much your lousy drive is going to
cost us."
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and
knocked on the
> door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
>
> When they opened the door they saw the damage
that was
> done: glass was all over the place, and a
broken
> antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken
> window.
>
> A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you
the people
> that broke my window?"
>
> "Uh...yes. We're sure sorry about that," the
> husband replied.
>
> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want
to thank
> you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been
trapped in that
> bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
released
> me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each
> one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the
last one
> for myself."
>
> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He
pondered a
> second and blurted out, "I'd like a million
dollars a
> year for the rest of my life." "No problem,"
said the
> genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll
> guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
>
> "And now you, young lady, what do you want?"
the genie
> asked.
>
> "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants
> in every country in the world," she said.
>
> "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
homes will
> always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
> disasters!"
>
> "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's
your
> wish, genie?"
>
> "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle
and haven't
> been with a woman in more than a thousand
years, my
> wish is to sleep with your wife."
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey,
> you know we both now have a fortune, and all
those houses.
> What do you think?"
>
> She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know,
> you're right. Considering our good fortune, I
guess I
> wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
>
> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the
husband.
> "I'd do the same for you!"
>
> So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they
>
> spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each
other. The
> genie was insatiable. After about three hours
of nonstop
> fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her
> eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?"
>
> "Why, we're both 35," she responded
breathlessly.
>
> "Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of
you still
> believe in genies?"
A Golf Lesson
Bug Eyed Monster
1Sexy's Bug
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2002
- Posts
- 3,698
Warning
ZIPLOC BAGS - What are they not.
Warning they are not contraceptive devices. True Story, I know of a couple who tried to use one as a condom and it broke. (Didn't hear reports about pain but it probably hurt.) Fortunately no pregnancy.
ZIPLOC BAG - Remember they will hold a brick, but they won't hold a dick.
Magnolia said:
ZIPLOC BAGS - What are they not.
Warning they are not contraceptive devices. True Story, I know of a couple who tried to use one as a condom and it broke. (Didn't hear reports about pain but it probably hurt.) Fortunately no pregnancy.
ZIPLOC BAG - Remember they will hold a brick, but they won't hold a dick.
The Point System
=====================================================
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand
just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team ...-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned
_expression.....! 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying" well, what
do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200
ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
=====================================================
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand
just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team ...-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned
_expression.....! 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying" well, what
do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200
ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2002
- Posts
- 5,456
Several men are in the locker room of a golf course clubhouse. When a cell
phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only
$2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 modelsI saw one I really liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces. Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only
$2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 modelsI saw one I really liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces. Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
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Am I the only one who posts here anymore?? Well, I have a few tonight... if anyone cares... LOL
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they
stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to wipe her self with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a
card stuck to her ass that read . . . "We will never forget you."
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they
stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to wipe her self with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a
card stuck to her ass that read . . . "We will never forget you."
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
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- Mar 15, 2002
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And...
The wife came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of
fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye,
put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".
The wife came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of
fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye,
put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
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"Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and natural things that money can buy."
- Steve Martin (1945 - )
"Freud found sex an outcast in the outhouse, and left it in the living room an honored guest."
- Voltaire [Francois Marie Arouet] (1694 - 1778)
"Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are."
- J.D. [Jerome David] Salinger (1919 - )
"Sex is like eating...Sometimes you have fast food, and sometimes you eat a gourmet meal."
- Monica Lewinsky (1973 - )
"Of course I believe in safe sex- I've got a handrail around the bed."
- Ken Dodd
"My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete,just because he always comes first."
- Ellie Lane
"Marriage has driven more than one man to sex."
- Peter De Vries (1910 - 1993)
"It's true that the French have a certain obsession with sex, but it's a particularly adult obsession. France is the thriftiest of all nations; to a Frenchman sex provides the most economical way to have fun."
- Anita Loos
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."
- Sanskrit Proverb
"Sex is a playground for lonely scientists."
- Carl Gustav Jung (1875 - 1961)
"To succeed with the opposite sex tell her you are impotent, she can't wait to disprove it"
- Cary Grant (1904 - 1986)
- Steve Martin (1945 - )
"Freud found sex an outcast in the outhouse, and left it in the living room an honored guest."
- Voltaire [Francois Marie Arouet] (1694 - 1778)
"Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are."
- J.D. [Jerome David] Salinger (1919 - )
"Sex is like eating...Sometimes you have fast food, and sometimes you eat a gourmet meal."
- Monica Lewinsky (1973 - )
"Of course I believe in safe sex- I've got a handrail around the bed."
- Ken Dodd
"My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete,just because he always comes first."
- Ellie Lane
"Marriage has driven more than one man to sex."
- Peter De Vries (1910 - 1993)
"It's true that the French have a certain obsession with sex, but it's a particularly adult obsession. France is the thriftiest of all nations; to a Frenchman sex provides the most economical way to have fun."
- Anita Loos
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."
- Sanskrit Proverb
"Sex is a playground for lonely scientists."
- Carl Gustav Jung (1875 - 1961)
"To succeed with the opposite sex tell her you are impotent, she can't wait to disprove it"
- Cary Grant (1904 - 1986)
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
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Vanilla Pudding!
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight,their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we will have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Insted, all the safe's contained bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The next day the headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight,their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we will have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Insted, all the safe's contained bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The next day the headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering, and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders violently once again.The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Are you okay? Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently!"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition, and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed, but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?":
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
I just noticed it's been exactly a month since I posted...see y'all in July!! And please thank Irish and 69Muffin...these jokes come from them!
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering, and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders violently once again.The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Are you okay? Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently!"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition, and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed, but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?":
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
I just noticed it's been exactly a month since I posted...see y'all in July!! And please thank Irish and 69Muffin...these jokes come from them!
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
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- Jun 3, 2002
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A pretty young thing sits down on a barstool next to this young man. She asks him if he would like a handjob. He replies "Yes!" She says "that'll be fifty dollars." He says "No thanks no handjob is worth fifty bucks". She says "Come outside with me I want to show you something." So they go outside and she points to this beautiful cherry red lamborghini. She says "See that car? With the money I've earned from giving handjobs I paid cash for that car." The young man says "Well if they're that good I gotta try one." So he gives her fifty bucks and she proceeds to jerk him off. And this handjob is absolutely blowing his mind. When she finishes, he just can't quit raving about how incredible it was. She smile gets in her car and leaves.
Two weeks pass and the guy is thinking you know if her handjobs are that incredible I wonder how good of a blowjob she gives? So he goes back to the same bar and meets the same woman. He asks her "How much for a blowjob?" She replies "$200" He yells "No way! No blowjob is that good!" She once again asks him to go outside with her, and they drive to this huge mansion. She says "See that mansion? With the money I made from giving blowjobs I paid cash for that." So the guy, not fully convinced, but remembering how good the handjob was gives her the $200. So she grabs his dick and gives him the blowjob of his life. It's so good he can't believe it. He bursts his wad twice before she's through. She drives him back to the bar and drops him off.
The next week the guy goes back to the same bar and sees her there again. He's thinking how she rocked his world with the blowjob, so he decides he wants to try fucking her. So he goes up and asks her "Hey how much would it cost me to fuck you?" She replies "Come with me" Once again she drives to her house, she takes him inside and opens the curtains of this huge window. She says "You see that island out there?" He say "Yes". She replies "I could pay cash for that island if I had a pussy."
Two weeks pass and the guy is thinking you know if her handjobs are that incredible I wonder how good of a blowjob she gives? So he goes back to the same bar and meets the same woman. He asks her "How much for a blowjob?" She replies "$200" He yells "No way! No blowjob is that good!" She once again asks him to go outside with her, and they drive to this huge mansion. She says "See that mansion? With the money I made from giving blowjobs I paid cash for that." So the guy, not fully convinced, but remembering how good the handjob was gives her the $200. So she grabs his dick and gives him the blowjob of his life. It's so good he can't believe it. He bursts his wad twice before she's through. She drives him back to the bar and drops him off.
The next week the guy goes back to the same bar and sees her there again. He's thinking how she rocked his world with the blowjob, so he decides he wants to try fucking her. So he goes up and asks her "Hey how much would it cost me to fuck you?" She replies "Come with me" Once again she drives to her house, she takes him inside and opens the curtains of this huge window. She says "You see that island out there?" He say "Yes". She replies "I could pay cash for that island if I had a pussy."
Bachlum Chaam
Crumpet Captivator
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- Feb 24, 2003
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Do you sell dildos
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
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- Jun 3, 2002
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator.
The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly, "...It looks like semen".
The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like semen".
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims "Well, its nobody from our building!".
The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly, "...It looks like semen".
The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like semen".
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims "Well, its nobody from our building!".
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
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One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking Platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si señor! Sometimes the bull wins."
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si señor! Sometimes the bull wins."
BooMerengue
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Top 25 Country Song Titles
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Sold A Car To the Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her to A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow but Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable without you, its Like Having You Here
14. I've Got tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd be out by Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the number one Country and Western song is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Sold A Car To the Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her to A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow but Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable without you, its Like Having You Here
14. I've Got tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd be out by Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the number one Country and Western song is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
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BooMerengue
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Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor continued: "Let me give you an example, Do you own a weed-eater?" "I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good." The redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted "GAWL-LEEE!!" "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Sally Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.) "Finally since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual" said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting, "So what classes are ya takin?" he asks. "Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba. "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No"
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
Hillbilly Jokes
What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
There's one less drunk at the funeral.
How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
Throw in a bar of soap.
How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
She's wearing the cleanest shirt.
A reporter asked this hillbilly what he thought about the presidents civil rights bill.
He answered: "If he owes it, I reckon he should pay it."
You know how to make hillbilly chicken soup?
You start by stealing a couple of chickens...
The professor continued: "Let me give you an example, Do you own a weed-eater?" "I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good." The redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted "GAWL-LEEE!!" "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Sally Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.) "Finally since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual" said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting, "So what classes are ya takin?" he asks. "Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba. "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No"
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
Hillbilly Jokes
What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
There's one less drunk at the funeral.
How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
Throw in a bar of soap.
How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
She's wearing the cleanest shirt.
A reporter asked this hillbilly what he thought about the presidents civil rights bill.
He answered: "If he owes it, I reckon he should pay it."
You know how to make hillbilly chicken soup?
You start by stealing a couple of chickens...
