hot tub and dirty jokes......

[tnguy04]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh shit! Am I driving?"

 

[tnguy04]

At a bus stop in central Texas two Italian gentleman get on and engage in a rather animated conversation. The lady sitting in front of them ignores them at first
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say:

"...Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Den two asses come together once-a-more. I come again and
pee twice. Den, I come one lasta time."

Mortified, the lady sitting in front of the Italians turns to them and
says:

"You foul-mouthed swine! In this area of the country, we don't talk
about our sex lives in such an open and indignant fashion!"

The Italian says:

"Hey, coola down lady, whose talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

[Magnolia]

dollies

Angry? Make Doilies!

As a new bride, Aunt Dottie moved into the small
home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe
box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband
never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Ed
left the box alone, until Aunt Dottie
was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order,
he found the box again and thought it might hold
something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married,"
she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help
ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Ed was very touched that in 50 years she'd only
been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?"
he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

 

[Magnolia]

smile these are pass on jokes....

: [Literotica chat] Health Warning !!!!!!!


We regret to inform you that you have been named as a
possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested
positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through
Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benefit you to be tested
and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious
and can be spread by a simple "screw you" or "muuuuaaaahhhhh."


It appears to be predominant with the Literotica Internet users
community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter!
ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into
physical ailments if not treated.

You will now be provided with a list of symptoms.
If you have any of these, contact this office and
forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts
immediately!

The following is a list of symptoms; onset of one or any
these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected
for years.

DO NOT IGNORE THESE WARNING SIGNS!

1. KEYBOARD COURAGE: The threatening of another chatter for no
logical reason.

2. WOOHOOING: The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohooooooto
anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of
overactive woohoormones).

3. HOLIDAY INN-hibition: The need to take someone to a private
room but not limited to a private room, cases have been found in
IM's too)

4. P.T.P.U.D. (POST TRAUMATIC POP UP DISORDER):
Heavy reliance on pop ups.

5. HORIZONTAL RETINAL SCAN: Inability to read anything that
doesn't scroll.

6. LOSS OF FINGERNAILS.

7. CYBER TURRETS SYNDROME: The random shouting of obscenities
every time the phone rings.

8. RED EYE: Elimination of any whites from the eye.

9. VIRTUAL SPEED: The ability to make two lunches, fold a load
of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, all before your last comment
leaves the screen.

10. SLEEP APATHY: Going without sleep to chat.

11. CYBER ANOREXIA: Going without food to chat.

12. SYMBOLIC DYSLEXIA: The use of initials in IRL
conversations instead of words, i.e., LMAO.

13. NIC IDENTITY CRISIS: The adoption of a NIC as a second
name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact
me.

Thanks for your time.

Dr. Pete O. Fender

 

[Magnolia]

smile pass on joke.....

Southern Signs





OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Magnolia]

lol and another one

HMMM this was sent to me bye a man.. it must be true......


Because I'm A Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle
with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that
we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what the heck I'm
looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other,
"I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these darn
computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to
bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the
same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has
to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I
was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or food, though
I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's
Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick
up something for my mom, too!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either
pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 21st century,
I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes.
I'll do the rest.





------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Magnolia]

smile lol now this one sounds good......

Double Talk



A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her
pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied,
"About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said,
"I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,"
she responded.

"I mean," he continued,
"what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town,
and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied.
"We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."

"Please," he tried again,
"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music,
but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded,
"about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
"Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He said he can't communicate with me!!!"

 

[Magnolia]

laughing

BAD, and sometimes WORSE

Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

 

[Magnolia]

SMILE I am Southern... so I can put this here... LOL

> > How to say "I Love You" in 17 languages.... > > > >



English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You > > > >

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo > > > >

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime > > > >

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich > > > >

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu > > > >

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo > > > >

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni > > > >

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar > > > >

Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Kansas, North Carolina,
South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri,
Mississippi, West Virginia, Texas, Kentucky and Oklahoma. . . . . . . . . Nice Ass , GET IN THE TRUCK

 

[omahaman2]

Re: smile lol now this one sounds good......

Double Talk



A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her
pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied,
"About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said,
"I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,"
she responded.

"I mean," he continued,
"what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town,
and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied.
"We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."

"Please," he tried again,
"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music,
but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded,
"about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
"Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He said he can't communicate with me!!!"

the husband side


A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a
divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then
says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story
house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is "I have a
headache" and the other story is "It's that time of the
month."

 

[Magnolia]

hjmmmm how many more???

>WORDS WOMEN USE...
>
> FINE - This is the word women use to end an
> argument when they feel they are right and
> you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to
> describe how a woman looks. This will cause
> you to have one of those arguments.
>
> FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is
> equivalent to the five minutes that your
> football game is going to last before you
> take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
>
> NOTHING - This means "something," and you
> should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
> used to describe the feeling a woman has of
> wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
> and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies
> an argument that will last "Five Minutes"
> and end with the word "Fine."
>
> GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a
> dare. One that will result in a woman getting
> upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word
> "Fine."
>
> GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I
> give up" or "do what you want because I don't
> care. "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead"
> in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and
> "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five
> Minutes" when she cools off.
>
> LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but
> is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood
> by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you
> are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why
> she is wasting her time standing here and
> arguing with you over "Nothing."
>
> SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a
> nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean
> that she is content. Your best bet is to not
> move or breathe, and she will stay content.
>
> THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most
> dangerous statements that a woman can
> make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she
> wants to think long and hard before paying
> you back for whatever it is that you have
> done. "That's Okay" is often used with the
> word "Fine" and in conjunction with a
> "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point
> in the near future, you are going to be in
> some mighty big trouble.
>
> PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is
> an offer. A woman is giving you the chance
> to come up with whatever excuse or reason
> you have for doing whatever it is that you
> have done. You have a fair chance with the
> truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get
> a "That's Okay."
>
> THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not
> faint. Just say you're welcome.
>
> THANKS A LOT - This is much different from
> "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
> when she is really ticked off at you. It
> signifies that you have offended her in
> some callous way, and will be followed by
> the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
> what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as
> she will only tell you "Nothing.
>
> Send this to the men you know to warn them
> about future arguments they can avoid if
> they remember the terminology.
>
> And send it to your women friends to give
> them a good laugh.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Magnolia]

MEN??????????

**MEN'S MERIT / DEMERIT GUIDE**
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the Rules when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand
just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes
and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking
buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team.....-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
ou develop a noticeable pot belly &exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned
_expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what
do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000
GAME OVER - YOU LOSE !!!

 

[alwaysawake]

Oldie but goodie...AA

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills... The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests...you get all the money!!!"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! What are the three tests?"

" Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."

So the man give him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...

FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila...the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...

SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth...You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...

THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is..."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally...he asks,
"WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT! TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp...Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...

Next... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up...The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside...They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming...the pit bull yelping ... and then.... SILENCE ...

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into thebar ... with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody scratches all over his body...

"NOW........" he says..."WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!?!?

 

[AME]

Hey AA

did they boot your cute ass off lit too?


sigh
bored bored bored

 

[alwaysawake]

Hey AA

did they boot your cute ass off lit too?


sigh
bored bored bored

Yuppers--everyone got the boot--digicrap died! (What a surprise! NOT!) AA

 

[Magnolia]

HI Ya'll

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a
>>pickup truck on I-40 and says to the
>>driver,
>>"Got any ID?"
>>The driver says, "'Bout what?"
>>~~~~
>>Two Mississippians are walking toward
>>each other, and one is carrying a sack.
>>
>>When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
>>"Jes' some chickens."
>>
>>"If I guesses how many they is,
>>kin I have one?"
>>"Shoot, if ya guesses right,
>>I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK.
>>
>>Ummmmm...five?"
>>~~~
>>An Alabamian came home and found his
>>house on fire. He rushed next door,
>>telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh
>>house is on fahr!"
>>
>>"OK," replied the fireman,
>>"how do we get there?"
>>
>>"Shucks, don't you fellers still
>>have those big red trucks?"
>>~~~
>>Why do folks in Kentucky go to
>>R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
>>
>>Because they heard 17 and
>>under aren't admitted.
>>~~~~
>>Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911.
>>The 911-operator told Bubba that she would
>>send someone out right away.
>>
>>"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
>>Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
>>
>>" The operator asked,
>>"Can you spell that for me?"
>>
>>After a long pause, Bubba said,
>>"How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street
>>and you pick her up thar?"
>>~~~
>>Know why they raised the minimum
>>drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
>>
>>They wanted to keep alcohol
>>out of the high schools.
>>~~~~
>>Where was the toothbrush invented?
>>Arkansas.
>>If it were invented anywhere else,
>>it would have been called a teethbrush.
>>~~~
>>Did you hear about the $3,000,000
>>Tennessee State Lottery?
>>
>>The winner gets $3 a year for a
>>million years.
>>~~~
>>What do a divorce in Alabama,
>>a tornado in Kansas and
>>a hurricane in Florida
>>have in common?
>>
>>No matter what, somebody's
>>fixin' to lose a trailer.
>>~~~
>>How do you know when you're
>>staying in a Kentucky hotel?
>>
>>When you call the front desk and say
>>"I've got a leak in my sink,"
>>and the person at the front desk says,
>>"Go ahead.
>>~~~
>>
>>
>>
>


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Magnolia]

>>> Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age
>>>rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting'
>>>from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was
>>>done.
>>>
>>> One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather
>>>flustered.
>>>
>>> Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide
>>>behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her
>>>boyfriend.
>>>
>>> This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING
>>>to his mother.
>>>
>>> "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he
>>>started kissing and hugging her I figured 'Sis must be getting
>>>sick because her face started looking funny.
>>>
>>> He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her
>>>blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would.
>>>
>>> Except he's not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to
>>>have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too,
>>>because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all
>>>out of breath.
>>>
>>> His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her
>>>skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh
>>>and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This
>>>was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis
>>>told him she felt really hot.
>>>
>>> Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel
>>>had gotten inside his pants somehow.
>>>
>>> It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10
>>>inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it
>>>from getting away.
>>>
>>> When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and
>>>her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff
>>>like that.
>>>
>>> She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell
>>>her about the ones down at the lake by our house!
>>>
>>> Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its
>>>head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held
>>>it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it
>>>over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and
>>>spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
>>>helped by lying on top of the eel.
>>>
>>> The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and
>>>squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.
>>>
>>> I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between
>>>them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel.
>>>
>>> I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its
>>>insides were hanging out.
>>>
>>> Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but
>>>they went back to courting anyway.
>>>
>>> He started hugging and kissing her again.
>>>
>>> By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and
>>>started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have
>>>nine lives or something.
>>>
>>> This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.
>>>After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I
>>>knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off
>>>and flush it down the toilet.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>
>>

 

[Magnolia]

Why men are just happier people.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.




____________________________________________________

 

[Magnolia]

You know you are to drunk when......

1. have no idea where your purse is....

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye
Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing
or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I
keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me
just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the
kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG WAY but...

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
1have no idea where your purse is....
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down
on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
having problems walking straight.

 

[BooMerengue]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

It's meeeeeeeee!!! and my Band Of Merry Pranksters!!

 

[BooMerengue]

You shouldn't have gotten me started!!!

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

he he he

(one took the night off!!)The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

 

[captjack]

Subject: Age Old Question...

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get
here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200
years!
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here".

 

[BooMerengue]

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[omahaman2]

Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a
cardboard box...

His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a
cardboard box, son?"

To which his son replies,
.
.
.

"Because there's no Baghdad!"

 

[BooMerengue]

Oman!! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

Why don't witches wear panties?


Better grip on the broom.