How to...Ruin a good thing.

[sultresweetie]

My bf moved in with me last week. Our relationship is still new, and we have been very close and affectionate. We have been having sex SEVERAL times a day or more, spend a lot of time together, and it doesn't feel strained-as most relationships are in the begining. I cook for him, met his kid and we get along well. It has been very intense and I have been feeling very content. We take short trips together and the only time we have been apart for the last week, was while he is in school. He doesn't have a job, and I am paying the bills right now.
We had discussed from day one boundaries in our relationship. I'm bisexual, and I have been in a few open relationships. I have watched my partner have sex with other women in the past, I have even set up my very best friend, and my girlfriends, with my past boyfriend, because I thought they would enjoy eachother. It felt okay because I loved both of them and trusted them...I suppose in my mind, it is okay to have a polyamorous relationship and have multiple partners, as long as I'm feeling like there is mutual respect involved. If I know the person is worthwhile and I like them, I have no problem sharing my partner. I think it is hard for most people to understand this mentality.
Last night, my boyfriend called from school and said that he was going out with a "friend". He told me he would be home around 1 am and that he would wake me for our nightly session. I went to bed early, and woke up around 4 am....NO BOYFRIEND. I knew he wasn't coming home that night, and the gears started turning. I thought he could be hurt and then I thought he could be with someone else. I couldn't go back to sleep and called in sick to work so I could be there when he got home... I was so upset I felt sick to my stomach.
He came home around 8 am-smelling like rank pussy. He tried to lie at first saying he was too fucked up to drive home, but I told him that he needed to fess up. He did and said that we had agreed on an open relationship, so he didn't know why I was getting upset, he accused me of trying to keep him under "lock and key" and said that it is my low self-esteem that is making me jealous. He contends that he is in LOVE with me, isn't and wouldn't be in LOVE with anyone else, asserts that he feels like I'm amazing and wouldn't ever leave me, because he loves all of me- YADDA YADDA YADDA. I can't describe it in any other way, but when he admitted to being with someone else and started this whole prose about his definition of the situation, I felt something inside my head just SNAP.
You know what.....WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! THAT IS NOT BEHAVIOR YOU EXPECT IN A OPEN RELATIONSHIP. He fucking CHEATED...he fucking LIED...he snuck around and banged some bitch all night and didn't even have the decency to wash his dick before he climbed into my bed! NO ONE can convince me that that is what open relationships are supposed to be like. I haven't felt like this since I was a naive teenager. Totally betrayed and my trust is gone-I think it's gone for good! I am such a commitmentphobe, too, which makes me even more pissed off. I haven't lived with a man in over ten years. WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with someone that is getting sex as much as he wants, getting fed, has all the emotional and financial support he needs, but still feels compelled to poke his dick around....what is the fucking point?
I play it over and over in my mind...picturing my ex fucking other women, and even my best friend, and I think about how I felt at the time...no problems with my feelings- It was comfortable. Then I think of that moment when bf confessed, and the smell and I picture him fucking some nameless pussy and I want to knock his grill out! I have never felt this type of rage before.
I just can't look at him the same, so his shit is out on the sidewalk- and he is lucky I don't have a gas can within easy reach. IMO, these feelings have less to do with sex and more to do with the situation...lying and sneaking around... and the fact that I have been vesting a lot more resources in this relationship. His problem right now is that I DO have a good self-esteem, and I do have the right to feel disrespected, disappointed, and generally passed over. I really don't think any amount of open-mindedness and uninhibited sexuality is going to make this type of behavior OK in my mind.

So the moral of the story is:

Don't bite the hand that feeds you, punk ass, lecherous muthafuckas.




Sultresweetie

 

[fgarvb1]

sultresweetie.

You are going catch it for the long unbroken post.

Now having said that, Hey, You feel the way you feel.

You set up rules and he broke them.

Maybe kicking his sorry ass out was a little overboard and maybe not.

You are LPOS, not us, so we only have your words to go on.

He should have known better.


I like the way you think.

Hang in there all men aren't like him.

 

[firefighter02]

In reading through your post I wonder if there weren't mixed signals as to what type of relationship you two really had.

First..He saw it as an "open relationship" which I think as far as any guy that I know, would mean that both of you are free to "do" other people"
If I understand it right though, you saw it as a "he can do my girlfriends as long as I know about it before hand" relationship.

The problem begins when you give guys too much leash. Of course we are going to run like wild dogs if given the opportunity, and do you really expect any of us to believe that he would have had the balls to call you and say.."hey, I found this chick I'm gonna bang, see you in the morning?"

The bigger issue here is that your bf was getting the milk for free. Free room, free board, free pussy, free to roam, free to have little to no responsability. That in itself shows that he was not mature enough from the start to be able to stick to the confines of your relationship however open it may have been.

Don't get me wrong..He is a dumbass plain and simple and if I were you I would throw his shit out in the street too, but IMO you should have seen this one coming.

Hang in there, although all men are horny dogs, there are men out there mature enough to handle the situation and play by the rules.

Best of Luck.
FF

 

[sheath]

You know what.....WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! THAT IS NOT BEHAVIOR YOU EXPECT IN A OPEN RELATIONSHIP. He fucking CHEATED...he fucking LIED...he snuck around and banged some bitch all night and didn't even have the decency to wash his dick before he climbed into my bed! NO ONE can convince me that that is what open relationships are supposed to be like.

Absolutely NOT, an open relationship should never be that way. NO relationship should ever be that way, period. The cheating and lying is completely unacceptable. Kick his ass to the curb and be done with him.

Rage? You wanna talk about rage? Girl, I feel you.

Wanna borrow my gas can?

S.

 

[sultresweetie]

In reading through your post I wonder if there weren't mixed signals as to what type of relationship you two really had.

First..He saw it as an "open relationship" which I think as far as any guy that I know, would mean that both of you are free to "do" other people"
If I understand it right though, you saw it as a "he can do my girlfriends as long as I know about it before hand" relationship.

The problem begins when you give guys too much leash. Of course we are going to run like wild dogs if given the opportunity, and do you really expect any of us to believe that he would have had the balls to call you and say.."hey, I found this chick I'm gonna bang, see you in the morning?"

The bigger issue here is that your bf was getting the milk for free. Free room, free board, free pussy, free to roam, free to have little to no responsability. That in itself shows that he was not mature enough from the start to be able to stick to the confines of your relationship however open it may have been.

Don't get me wrong..He is a dumbass plain and simple and if I were you I would throw his shit out in the street too, but IMO you should have seen this one coming.

Hang in there, although all men are horny dogs, there are men out there mature enough to handle the situation and play by the rules.

Best of Luck.
FF

He could have made plans to fuck this girl this weekend when I am out with my friends. He could have told me that he wasn't coming home that night, instead of telling me he would would be home to fuck my brains out around 1am. He could have at least told me about her, gave me the low-down on his relationship with her (apparently they are fuck buddies and have been for a while) from the beginning of our relationship, so I know where she stands. He knows about my fuck buddies, and I told him that I wouldn't see them without his consent. Obviously, he doesn't care about my feelings because he lied about his character...and couldn't see any reason to pull himself away from this bitch to be home when he said he would...that makes a difference!
*FYI...he has been telling me from day 1 that he is not like the "other men" and has been faithful in relationships, while I was the one that contended that they are all by nature cum-dumping mongrels. So once again, fuck away, because that is how men are, but I can't stand dishonesty and fronting, punk ass users-BOTTOM LINE.
*I made the suggestion to have an open relationship because of MY commitment issues.
I don't think it's so much to ask that I know who he is fucking, when, and that it doesn't interfere with my time. He made a choice to commit to me- his suggestion- and I agreed (with some reluctancy). Part of that reluctancy is that he is unemployed, despite what he tells me about his RECENT hardknocks with being laid off in this economy, and going back to school to learn a new trade. I had absolutely no idea that he was seeing other people.
You are right about one thing... should have saw it coming! Never take a man for his word.

 

[slo_hand]

Honey, commitment has nothing to do with sex(anyone can get laid), commitment takes time...it is about sharing all the things that get you both through the day...communicating with one another in a non-judgemental way..being made to feel that your needs and desires are best when they are shared.

 

[JoeJesus]

Open relationships or not, you need to set *some* boundaries in your life or you're never going to get out of dumb, soap-opera situations like this. I mean, it sounds like your philosophy is "fuck all your friends, whenever you want." You don't have to be a genius to predict that that's going to lead to some serious personal problems at some point. Yes, this former boyfriend of yours seems like a complete scumbag (you might also want to try really getting to know people before inviting them to move into your place), but you went into this situation with both eyes open and set yourself up for a fall.

If you want to live this free love lifestyle, you might want to try it without the live-in/serious commitment stuff. Or try to build a serious relationship one-on-one for a significant amount of time before opening things up. That way, you'll be able to see if you've got a compatible, trustworthy partner, and you'll be able to explore your sexuality together and/or with other partners.

Also, you sound pretty young. You might want to slow down on all this stuff for a little while and try to find yourself. Most of all, you seem like you're trying too much, too soon.

 

[Missingmeds]

sultresweetie,

Might I suggest starting here...

click here

This will tell you that what he did was very wrong. It could also lead you to places that might have some interesting reading for you as well.

 

[sheath]

You are right about one thing... should have saw it coming! Never take a man for his word.

Okay, just my two cents here...

There ARE men out there who are kind, warm and caring individuals who would NEVER do the things that jerk did to you. HE is not the example of all men...in fact, he's not even the example of most men. Sounds like you just stumbled upon one who needs to grow up a LOT before he moves into a serious relationship, or ANY relationship for that matter, period.

I have found that most men have their wild sides, but they also have integrity and dignity. Don't write off all the wonderful possibilities just because one guy hasn't learned how to be a man yet.

S.

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, maybe I'm just not understanding this or something, but I'm seeing this in a slightly different light.

The first thing that stands out (and I think you've realized it as well) is this guy had no job or, I presume, any real means of support. I hate to be the one to say this, but there are guys out there who will say a lot of things if they suspect they can get a woman to take care of them. (Thankfully, these guys are rare!) If a man wanted to move in together and had no job, that would be a huge red flag for me.

Second thing I picked up on is that you stated with your previous boyfriend you had an open relationship. Was one of the boundaries of this relationship was that it, too, would be considered open? Had your boyfriend ever been invovled in an open relationship before? Did he fully and completely understand how everything is supposed to play out?

The reason I'm asking is because, before I came here and met people in open relationships and understood the dynamics, I had thought it was a relationship where people could just be with whoever, whenever. Perhaps, if your boyfriend is unfamilar with these dynamics, he may have thought the same.

Also, have you and he ever engaged in open activities together? Or have you engaged in physical activit with another person when your boyfriend wasn't there? It may be he wasn't sure how to ask, what to say.

No, I'm not making excuses for the guy, just that I'm seeing some holes in this. Then again, the guy just may be a jerk.

 

[ReadyOne]

Poly isn't relevant here.

The trigger issue could be that he "borrowed" your car without your knowing and wrecked it, lied to avoid (delay) telling you about it, and didn't confess until you made him.

The situtation is that he's a user whom you let take a lot from you because you believed there was a love relationship.

Finally, you saw that he will just take as much as he can, and you've cut him off.

Good.

Love can't be unbalanced and stand in the long run. Receiproitcy is eventually required.

As for trust and honesty -- You're absolutely right not to want to pair with someone where these are lacking.

 

[sabbracadabra]

I know I'm new here, but just thought I'd say...

This right here is the basic problem with society in general: people don't want to take responsibility for their own actions. He got caught with his hand in the cookie jar and doesn't want to accept that he fucked up and you are justifiably mad. If you really had an OPEN relationship, he should have been OPEN with you about fucking another chick!

This guy deserves a bodyslam. And I don't mean the fun kind.

And as someone who also has commitment issues, I would say, if you find someone you like, let them have friends-with-benefits status. It's much easier than trying to do "boyfriend with open relationship" because then you're just friends, and it's still a step up in intimacy from fuck buddy. At least on my scale of things.

Good luck whupping this guy's ass!

Rock on

 

[sheath]

If you really had an OPEN relationship, he should have been OPEN with you about fucking another chick!

I like the way you put that.

By the way, welcome to lit!

S.

 

[NaiveOne]

Hey there, not to add more anger to an already painful situation, but you might want to get yourself tested if you had unprotected sex with your boyfriend. I just thought I'd bring it up....

I'm very sorry for your situation, sultresweetie. The anger will pass, though. Eventually, anyway

 

[fgarvb1]

Oh, yeah.

LPOS=Lit/Literotica Person On Scene.

Starting into any relationship with a bias against a whole gender is a suckers bet, you will fulfill your own prophesy

 

[knight88]

A BUM or A DOG

As a male I find his behavior is flat stupid. he did not even have enough sense to take a shower geez... better get tested for STDs right AFTER you kick his useless ass out forever.. He is a user ande will just hurt you more again and again, no matter what excuse he gives you.. You deserve much better

 

[sultresweetie]

Open relationships or not, you need to set *some* boundaries in your life or you're never going to get out of dumb, soap-opera situations like this. I mean, it sounds like your philosophy is "fuck all your friends, whenever you want." You don't have to be a genius to predict that that's going to lead to some serious personal problems at some point. Yes, this former boyfriend of yours seems like a complete scumbag (you might also want to try really getting to know people before inviting them to move into your place), but you went into this situation with both eyes open and set yourself up for a fall.

If you want to live this free love lifestyle, you might want to try it without the live-in/serious commitment stuff. Or try to build a serious relationship one-on-one for a significant amount of time before opening things up. That way, you'll be able to see if you've got a compatible, trustworthy partner, and you'll be able to explore your sexuality together and/or with other partners.

Also, you sound pretty young. You might want to slow down on all this stuff for a little while and try to find yourself. Most of all, you seem like you're trying too much, too soon.

LOL. You assume too much. I'm 28 years old and I have experimented with my sexuality, and will continue to do so until the day I die. I have only lived with a man once before, briefly. I have had LTRs that were monogamous-on average they lasted 2-3 years. I have been dating men and women casually , and not so casually, for 4 years since my last LTR. All of my love relationships up until this point have ended amicably. I actually haven't experienced this type of situation before, so in that sense, I am naive. I see it as a lesson learned, and I doubt it will be repeated. As for trying too much, too soon, agree with you there. I compromised my principles in order to take a chance for a change. I have been well known as a "player" in my circle for quite a while.

I have to admit that I have been getting strong urges to settle down- I think it's organic. Taking my lil cousins to the ice rink has been much more appealling than clubbing, lately.

Eeeeewwww... I'm domesticating.

 

[sultresweetie]

Oh, yeah.

LPOS=Lit/Literotica Person On Scene.

Starting into any relationship with a bias against a whole gender is a suckers bet, you will fulfill your own prophesy

Actually, I was just ranting. My father never cheated on my mother after more than 30 years of marriage. My last LTR of 3 years was monogamous. Some of my very good friends are men.

I'm not pissed anymore. My girlfriend and I made plans to go to LA next weekend...roadtrips kick ass!

 

[sultresweetie]

Poly isn't relevant here.

The trigger issue could be that he "borrowed" your car without your knowing and wrecked it, lied to avoid (delay) telling you about it, and didn't confess until you made him.

The situtation is that he's a user whom you let take a lot from you because you believed there was a love relationship.

Finally, you saw that he will just take as much as he can, and you've cut him off.

Good.

Love can't be unbalanced and stand in the long run. Receiproitcy is eventually required.

As for trust and honesty -- You're absolutely right not to want to pair with someone where these are lacking.

YANNO?! I would say that this is right on the money with how I felt.

I do agree to some extent that even though he is 6 years older, he hasn't had a lot of experience with sex-he married very young. Where I have done things that would make a sailor blush-he hasn't. I realize now that we are not on the same level emotionally, and that he needs to learn this stuff on his own first; like I did. Maybe (being the dynamic guy that made me melt) in a few years we will both be ready for eachother on these most fundamental levels....

Maybe not. Regardless, he has made an impact on my life that has been both positive and negative, and that's what living is all about.

 

[sultresweetie]

Thanks for all the responses! Ranting and then seeing feedback has really made me think about different perspectives to the situation. This group therapy shit is kinda cool.

 

[JoeJesus]

LOL. You assume too much. I'm 28 years old and I have experimented with my sexuality, and will continue to do so until the day I die. I have only lived with a man once before, briefly. I have had LTRs that were monogamous-on average they lasted 2-3 years. I have been dating men and women casually , and not so casually, for 4 years since my last LTR. All of my love relationships up until this point have ended amicably. I actually haven't experienced this type of situation before, so in that sense, I am naive. I see it as a lesson learned, and I doubt it will be repeated. As for trying too much, too soon, agree with you there. I compromised my principles in order to take a chance for a change. I have been well known as a "player" in my circle for quite a while.

Why are you experimenting? It sure doesn't seem to be working out well for you. You don't sound like you're too happy. You got involved with a complete loser, admit that you've got commitment issues, and also now say that you've got a reputation as a "player" amongst your friends. You know, that ain't exactly good. I'm all for people doing whatever gets them through the night, but you don't seem to be finding any fulfillment with this lifestyle. So why continue it? It sounds to me--and again, I'm assuming a lot here--like you want a serious relationship where the two of you experiment. Which is great, only I think you have to put the serious relationship thing first and then branch out and see where you go. Together. Right now, it seems like you're trying to cram everything together and you're just confusing yourself and your partner.

Oh, and 28 isn't exactly old. You also sound like a pretty young 28, no matter how many relationships you've been through. From your original message, you sounded like maybe 22 or so (and I don't know anyone over 30 who uses the word "player," though maybe that's more of a US word--I'm in Canada). No offense intended--I wish I could still pass for 22. ;-)

Anyhow, best of luck with whatever path your choose.

 

[sultresweetie]

Why are you experimenting? It sure doesn't seem to be working out well for you. You don't sound like you're too happy. You got involved with a complete loser, admit that you've got commitment issues, and also now say that you've got a reputation as a "player" amongst your friends. You know, that ain't exactly good. I'm all for people doing whatever gets them through the night, but you don't seem to be finding any fulfillment with this lifestyle. So why continue it? It sounds to me--and again, I'm assuming a lot here--like you want a serious relationship where the two of you experiment. Which is great, only I think you have to put the serious relationship thing first and then branch out and see where you go. Together. Right now, it seems like you're trying to cram everything together and you're just confusing yourself and your partner.

Oh, and 28 isn't exactly old. You also sound like a pretty young 28, no matter how many relationships you've been through. From your original message, you sounded like maybe 22 or so (and I don't know anyone over 30 who uses the word "player," though maybe that's more of a US word--I'm in Canada). No offense intended--I wish I could still pass for 22. ;-)

Anyhow, best of luck with whatever path your choose.

Well, I wasn't happy about the situation that's for damn sure; however, other aspects of my life are quite good. I just landed a new job at a organization I have been trying to get into for 2 years. I applied for school to continue my education.
Sexually, I know my body and I know that I'm adventurous in nature, so yes, I will continue to experiment with my sexuality. I do know what feels comfortable for me, which is why I didn't pretend that I didn't know what my bf was doing, and didn't put up with his lies. My experimenting and having an open relationship has nothing to do with being deceived by someone else. That wasn't a flaw in MY character. I'm sorry you can't understand that.

I thought Player was a little less abrasive than SLUT *shrug*
If I thought I could find "fulfillment" in anything at 28, I would hope that I get hit by a truck, because the rest of my 50 or so years of life oughta be quite boring.

I think in my first conversation with him about the terms of our relationship, when I told him we needed to build trust before we bring other people into the relationship, was quite clear...however he was fucking this woman before and since our numerous conversations about our present and future relationship together and never mentioned her once.
I hardly think I'm the one that is confused, but thanks for your concern.

 

[freddyandeddy]

You should run seminars in "How To" become sexually liberated. You totally did the right thing, have nothing to be ashamed of, and that dude just lost the best situation he's ever going to find.

Fuckin' A, and you even paid his goddamn bills?! This guy must be the dumbest SOB on earth...

 

[watergirl]

Excellent!

Sultresweetie,

I just want to say good for you on all counts! You're a strong, independent, kick ass woman, and I completely admire you for dropping the jackass loser dickwad to the curb with his shit.

I can tell from your posts that you're far too mature and on an even keel to plant a few open cans of sardines in the middle of his pile of shit.... hats off to you.

Good karma will come your way, and I'm glad you're not wistful over him. I love to witness the righteous anger of a smart woman. You have every right to be pissed off and hurt that he took advantage of you.

By the by, I'm 27 and I completely understand and relate to your take on openness among friends. If you love them and respect them all, affections between each other shouldn't threaten trust or confidence between any two in particular, or create jealousy.

That said, the "but I LOVE you, I was just having sex with her" line is complete bullshit and does not fly. LOVE should be accompanied by respect for you, and the consideration to introduce you to that other girl, get your take on her, get your blessing to either keep fucking her or bring her to bed with the two of you - NOT stay out all night with her and lie about it like a skeezeball.

What a fuckwit. I'm just thrilled to hear you tossed him out on his ass - fine work, and congrats on your new job!

 

[sultresweetie]

You should run seminars in "How To" become sexually liberated. You totally did the right thing, have nothing to be ashamed of, and that dude just lost the best situation he's ever going to find.

Fuckin' A, and you even paid his goddamn bills?! This guy must be the dumbest SOB on earth...

Actually, I didn't pay his bills-he did live in my house though. I wouldn't go that far! As odd as it sounds, I have hopes that once I finish my education and begin my career, I can find a man that is willing to stay at home for a period of time to raise a child. I'm not that fond of babies, although I like kids a lot. I like the idea of having that option. I don't think this man is right for that, and I'm starting to hone what I should be looking for to make that scenerio happen. I set goals for my education, and hope to be ready for a child in 7 years...granted that I find that person, because I'm very traditional in the aspect that a 2 parent (or maybe a 3? Looking at that link on polyamory...) household is the best family dynamic.

The next step in my personal development, I guess...