How to...Ruin a good thing.

[SlickTony]

I knew there was a good reason why I never got into polyamory. I have some good internet friends who are, but I don't think I could handle it. Sounds to me like by the time you get all the boundaries established and all the potential for misunderstandings and hurt feelings dealt with, you need at least one lawyer to go over the whole contract and examine it for holes. Too complicated!

 

[sultresweetie]

Thank you, watergirl! I hope that this new job is the next step to a financially secure future!

Now that I got my wits back, ex-bf and I are going down to the clinic next week. He swares he uses a condom with her, but since I don't know or trust either of them, this is his only option. I requested to meet this girl, and he is going to try facilitating that. Obviously, there has to be something great about this person that he would risk our relationship. I told him that we could take a step back and start dating again; if he can prove himself trustworthy and ready to nurture a relationship. He also has to be employed. He knows that he has to do all of these things to have a future relationship with me-we will see if he is geniune when his actions match his word. Either way, no big loss, as I'm not responsible for him any more.

 

[sultresweetie]

You are right, Slick, it can be complicated. It would be much easier to be satisfied with one person your whole life. My parents have been monogamous for 35 years. My mother was 17 when they were married. Unfortunately, instead of thinking that is a beautiful thing, for me, I really find it sad and would be completely bored. Their emotional relationship is wonderful and I think they have developed a very special friendship that I envy, but finding someone that could compliment my life physically, emotionally, and mentally is a tall order. I haven't met any one person like that, and think it is a blessing for those who have.

 

[SlickTony]

He swares he uses a condom with her

Yeah, but if he came home smelling to high heaven of her, so? It hardly matters that he didn't get her fluids on his dick if he got them everywhere else. Of course a lot of your sexually transmitted pathogens don't do well exposed to a lot of fresh air...

My parents would have been married 50 years and beyond if my dad had lived. But we're living in a different era. If you are committed to being monogamous, you've got to be committed to it for its own sake. I don't necessarily say this about my parents, but it sure helped a woman to stay around knowing that how difficult it was for a woman on her own to do the things we take for granted, like buy property, get a good paying job, establish credit, etc. And it helped a man to stay around (and if he slipped around, to be discreet about it) if he knew that his wife could divorce him for fault and take him to the cleaners afterwards.

 

[sultresweetie]

That makes sense to me, Slick.
In fact, I believe that marriage is strictly recreational in this era. There aren't any other reasons to have a partner or children, except for innate want. Once upon a time, survival was based on gender roles and procreation. It's not surprising that marriages don't last-they are not really needed anymore... it's gotten pretty damn confusing for my generation who still have some hold of the tradition of marriage from our baby boomer parents, but also a sense of their liberation from traditional roles.

 

[Lou Nuttick]

Thank you, watergirl! I hope that this new job is the next step to a financially secure future!

Now that I got my wits back, ex-bf and I are going down to the clinic next week. He swares he uses a condom with her, but since I don't know or trust either of them, this is his only option. I requested to meet this girl, and he is going to try facilitating that. Obviously, there has to be something great about this person that he would risk our relationship. I told him that we could take a step back and start dating again; if he can prove himself trustworthy and ready to nurture a relationship. He also has to be employed. He knows that he has to do all of these things to have a future relationship with me-we will see if he is geniune when his actions match his word. Either way, no big loss, as I'm not responsible for him any more.

I think you're being far too trusting, to give him yet another chance. He lied to you, not only once but several times, and maintained a decetion over a long period of time. It's obvious that he has little integrity and even less respect for you.

What do you think is more likely: that he will change his stripes or that he will become more adept at hiding his lies?

Reread your first post, then open your eyes and see what's really there, rather than what you would like to be there.

Lou

 

[SlickTony]

There aren't any other reasons to have a partner or children, except for innate want. Once upon a time, survival was based on gender roles and procreation. It's not surprising that marriages don't last-they are not really needed anymore...

I would not say that the innate want issue has totally gone away. It's still true that two can live cheaper than one. I don't even think that marriage should go away; it's just that people are going to have to think of other reasons to commit to it than that the woman is sunk or is nobody without it.

There is a lot to be said for having someone around with whom you have a history. I live a thousand miles at least from most of my family, and of all the people I knew when I was young, I have not maintained contact with a one of them. Then, too, it helps to keep track of genealogy better, if you care about that sort of thing.

I think, Sweetie, if you get back together with his guy, you're going to have to 'splain very very carefully the issues and ramifications pertaining to polyamory. It's quite possible (giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he didn't know what the rules are. I'm of the opinion that people on the far outside of that milieu think that it's no different than just fucking around, but does it not have far, far more structure than that?