Humor Me

[greeneyedvirgin]

What Does A Kiss Taste Like?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.

She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

 

[WearMeWell]

Oral sex is like being in the military; the closer you get to discharge the better you will feel.

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.

She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

between these two, i just about spit my tea all over my computer!

 

[Mockingjay]

He: I got a $2 hand job from your sister.
She: She's charging a buck an inch now?

LOL

XD

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

Men Are Like...

Men are like laxatives....they irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like bananas....the older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like weather....nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like blenders....you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like chocolate bars....sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your ass.

Men are like commercials....you can't believe a word they say.

Men are like department stores....their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like government bonds....they take waaaayyyy too long to mature.

Men are like mascara....they run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like popcorn....they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like snowstorms....you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like lava lamps...**** to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like parking spots....all the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

[userid_unknown]

Although I've felt like this a time or two I've never considered playing for the other team. Men still rock.

 

[userid_unknown]

There are certain things you don't want to hear while you're performing oral sex:

That's my knee
You really should get that dandruff checked out
Have you ever done this before?
Blue. I think we need to paint this room blue.
It's not a Pie Eating Contest you idiot

 

[userid_unknown]

Q. What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A. A chin rest.

 

[Mockingjay]

This just just....
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.....0-9/734537_10152381305066495_878184677_n.jpg

And this...

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd....0/10170910_10152423170896842_1023969902_n.jpg

And this wise words (grins)...

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd....0-9/10154487_806964952649981_1448334119_n.png

 

[userid_unknown]

Q. What do toys and boobs have in common?
A. They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them!

 

[JudasIscariot]

"You're a useless parent Dave."

"Says who?"

"Says Tom and Suzanne"

"Who the hell are Tom and Suzanne?"

"Your son and your daughter, Dave"

 

[userid_unknown]

Two guys are out hunting. First guy's looking thru the scope, then pulls the rifle down and says "I don't know how to tell you this, but I just saw your wife in your bedroom with your next door neighbor." Second guy says "Shoot her in the head and him in the privates." First guy says "Hell, I can get that with one shot."

 

[JudasIscariot]

So I bought a new phone from Malaysia.

It was good until I activated flight mode.

Now I can't find it.

 

[JudasIscariot]

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

 

[JudasIscariot]

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Punch her in the face.

 

[userid_unknown]

Q. What do you say to a blonde with 2 black eyes?
A. Nothing, she's already been told twice

 

[cowslinger64]

LOL


http://thechive.com/2013/01/08/this...he-dangers-of-electro-static-discharge-video/

 

[userid_unknown]

Man1: how did your nose get broken?

Man2: I was blow drying my pubs and my wife asked me what I was doing. Apparently "warming up you dinner" was the wrong answer.

 

[userid_unknown]

Isn't capri just another word for "your shorts are way too long"?

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

Flight To Phoenix

A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.

The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied and you may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He was about to pop and would have promised anything and said so.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters. WW, WA, PP and a red one marked ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there are resist a challenge like this. He pushed the WW button.

Warm water sprayed upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. Men's restrooms didn't have such nice things as this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm air replaced the warm water, wafted a swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the air stopped. Without hesitation, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a lovely scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom is more than just a restroom, it's a palace of tender loving pleasure. He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy, the supreme ecstasy. The pushed the ATR button.

He knew he was at the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember was that I was in the ladies restroom on a flight to Phoenix."

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, her smirk expanding to a grin. "The last button marked 'ATR' was an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

 

[userid_unknown]

Q: What do you get when you cross and owl and a rooster?

A: A cock that stays up all night long.


Q: What happens when you make a penis out of Legos?

A: You get COCK BLOCKed.


Q: What did the O say to the Q?

A: "Dude, your dick’s hanging out."

 

[userid_unknown]

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.
''What's that?'' asked Jenny.
''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.''

 

[userid_unknown]

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q: Why is a vagina just like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside.

Q: What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?
A: Cuntstubble.

 

[userid_unknown]

Why?

I wonder

 

[Blase]

Phrasing is everything...

Many people are familiar with the "Darwin Awards"; an annual list of people who in some fashion have foolishly brought about their own demise (thereby removing themselves from the gene pool, thus the name of the satirical "awards"). The incident linked here did not result in death, although the deed and its results were quite awful enough. Nonetheless, I have to confess that I all but fell out of my chair reading about the farcical way in which things unfolded.

Have you ever stopped to consider what you'd say if you needed to call the authorities to report that you'd injured an intruder in your home? If I may make a small suggestion, don't follow the lead of a handicapped man in Russia...

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

Q: What do you call a turtle with a hard-on?
A: A slow poke!

Q: How can you tell a frog from a horny toad?
A: One says ribbit-ribbit the other one says rub it-rub it.


Sometimes...when you cry...no one sees your tears...

Sometimes...when you are worried...no one sees your pain...

Sometimes...when you are happy...no one sees your smile...

But fart just one time...