Insane CL personals

[imnauti]

Pretty much anytime I need a laugh, I go to the "Best of" section. It changes occasionally. Currently there are a couple: I've got Granny's Ashes (or words to that effect) and To The Guy Doing My Wife at My House. Hilarious.
A couple are obviously people just venting, but still good for a laugh.

You're so right. Loved this one!

To the Guy Doing My Wife at My House

 

[micky4play]

craigslust

I'll admit it - I look at it everyday - for entertainment but hoping some day to see THE ad that reads something like: "Friendly BBW with impossibly large breasts seeks middle aged impotent man friend for mutually rewarding intimate moments, etc, etc" - maybe tomorrow......

 

[kinkymomjianlis]

I meant a guy on CL! He was great at oral, meant a female too. I think you can find them just have to look hard....i've had luck on aff to, maybe it is luck....keep searching

 

[imnauti]

I meant a guy on CL! He was great at oral, meant a female too. I think you can find them just have to look hard....i've had luck on aff to, maybe it is luck....keep searching

I agree. In fact, I met my boyfriend on CL! Have also chatted extensively with a few boytoys there, but haven't yet met one in person.

 

[aari13]

my favorite part are the missed connections. There's just something about the tone of them.

"Me...cute, suggestive blonde sneezing into your shirt at the wal-mart checkout. You...strong, but definitely not abusive brunette holding a box of condoms and a teletubbies DVD set. You acted surprised, but I could tell you were actually expecting me to sneeze on you. if this is you, send me a message and tell me what color jellies i was wearing."

Wait... what? uh... I'm confused.

Anyway, I love the missed connections too, they are always good for a laugh or a WTF?

 

[BigGuyPA44]

Wait... what? uh... I'm confused.

Anyway, I love the missed connections too, they are always good for a laugh or a WTF?

I think it has something to do with the sex with a stranger fantasy I have

B

 

[joe_schmonyc]

Far and away the best personal ads I've ever seen are to be found in the London Review Of Books (a wonderdul literary magazine).

They are witty, very literate and often totally obtuse.

Here are just a few of the best.

Bald, fat, short, and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.

Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society … Damn it, I have to pee again.

Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not.

Bastard. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply -- you'll only regret it.

I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out, and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32. Rarely produces winning metaphors.

 

[imnauti]

Holy Fuck! I'm going to skip the link this time and paste this one directly. I'm sure this must be somebody's idea of a joke, but if not- what a FREAK!

Tired of those boring "dinner and a movie types"?
Date: 2009-11-19, 4:08PM CST



I'm looking for someone who will allow me to "act out" in public and can react appropriately. I'm tired of dating boring, tepid, insipid politically correct women. I want a liberal woman in the most true sense; not your messenger bag carrying, bike riding, garden variety gender-defender. Can you call someone a cunt in a public place without changing your tone and use the word to refer to your vagina in the same sentence? Do you agree with the opinion that women are terrible drivers, bad actors, and even worse musicians? Would you enjoy getting fucked by a man in a diaper? If so,



On our first date, you will walk me on one of those child-leashes while I wear a helmet and do my best to stumble into every bypasser at the mall. I will at some point throw myself to the ground and slam my head repeatedly into the hard surface while screaming "NO TOUCH ME DERE, SISTER!" over and over. You will smile nervously at the mall patrons and assure them that "It will be over soon; he tires easily."

After that, we will go and get ice cream. When asked which flavor I want, I will demand the ice cream attendant give me "all the ice creams". You will discipline me and tell me I can have only one flavor. At this time I will throw another violent tantrum until you bargain with me and I get two, three, or maybe four (this is up to you, since you'll be paying and rewarding me based on my performance).

When we have our ice cream, I will eat it sloppily and smear it into your hair while giggling (ice cream is every retards favorite thing, you know). You will get up to grab napkins and I will quickly take the remainder of your ice cream and throw it across the food court or while you clean me up, I will shove it down your blouse.

We will go to the video game store where you will "turn me loose" and pretend to talk on your phone absent mindedly outside of the store. I will harass the employees and ask them "OH! Can I have disth game?!" around a hundred times, once for each different game I see behind the counter. "Dat one" I will say as they try in vain to determine which product I am pointing out while staring at the ceiling or floor.

Ten minutes or so should be enough time for me. You will then come collect me, awkwardly apologize, and we will leave the store for the womens restroom where you will proceed to change my diaper in front of the changing station. I will get hard and you tell me "Bad boy, bad boy" while slapping my penis. If anyone says anything, you will tell them you "have to slap it because it's the only way to make it go away" or "this is the only way I can teach him a lesson."

When we leave the mall, we can go back to my place and continue roleplaying. You can teach me where babies come from and then we will practice making them in front of my video camera; the recording of which you will not get a copy. Condoms make my penis burn, so please be STD free.



Criteria:

1. Stay in character at all times. I will not leave character at any point and if you do, I will react aggressively. I'm a pretty big guy. Don't piss me off.
2. You must wear a very sexy outfit. A short skirt and a low-cut top. I want to see your ass cheeks and titties hanging out. Tease your hair and wear some perfume. Also, do not wear underwear. A video game character costume is a plus.
3. If I happen to improvise a passing out spell during a tantrum, when you're leaning over me pretending to revive me or whatever, I will be aiming to pop a boner. Once you feel it prodding, you will do your best to hide it nonchalantly while pretending not to notice. This is very important and I will expect your best performance to come of this because I will suddenly spring up, grab you, and begin to hump you. You will react as if this was a normal thing and tell onlookers "Just give him a minute, he finishes fast."


You are free to improvise your own dialog, but if it's stupid or it becomes obvious that you are pretending, I will loudcap you with retard yelps to distract from your ineptness. If all goes well, maybe we could meet up for a 2nd date. Maybe more.

 

[shrimptail53]

what...

the...

hell...

i'm speachless

and here's another good one:

I have this fantasy of having sex in a ball pit, I have already engineered the ball-pit and it is filled with thousands of crumple proof ball-pit balls. I'm having trouble finding someone that wants to have sex in a ball-pit though (can you believe it? ball pits are awesome), so if anyone else has ever thought that that'd be awesome feel free to reply =)

 

[lonelysouth]

You're so right. Loved this one!

To the Guy Doing My Wife at My House

That one made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the chuckle!

 

[aari13]

I think it has something to do with the sex with a stranger fantasy I have

B

I couldn't even tell what sex the sneezer and the sneezee were in that one!

 

[kinkymomjianlis]

Teach me how to kiss - w4m
I need a guy to teach me how to kiss. Ideally, it shouldn�t last longer than five minutes, seeing as how most guys creep me the fuck out. I�ll give you five dollars, so it�ll be like earning a dollar a minute. Think about it, there�s a recession going on. Who wouldn�t want five dollars in times like these? If money doesn�t appeal to you, I�d be more than happy to do your homework for you (I�m Asian).

I prefer a guy who doesn�t have bad breath, open sores, or a mental disorder. Also, it�d be nice if you�re not a geriatric (30+ yrs) or jailbait (-18 yrs).

Just a warning, there�s a strong possibility that I may run away mid-kiss. Please don�t take offense, and you can keep the five dollars.

Please respond with a picture, I want to make sure you don�t have any lesions or swollen lymph nodes.

 

[imnauti]

Teach me how to kiss - w4m
I need a guy to teach me how to kiss. Ideally, it shouldn�t last longer than five minutes, seeing as how most guys creep me the fuck out. I�ll give you five dollars, so it�ll be like earning a dollar a minute. Think about it, there�s a recession going on. Who wouldn�t want five dollars in times like these? If money doesn�t appeal to you, I�d be more than happy to do your homework for you (I�m Asian).

I prefer a guy who doesn�t have bad breath, open sores, or a mental disorder. Also, it�d be nice if you�re not a geriatric (30+ yrs) or jailbait (-18 yrs).

Just a warning, there�s a strong possibility that I may run away mid-kiss. Please don�t take offense, and you can keep the five dollars.

Please respond with a picture, I want to make sure you don�t have any lesions or swollen lymph nodes.

I'm surprised she still wants to learn to kiss despite the fact that most guys 'creep her the fuck out'.

Plus, I'm a little concerned that she defines geriatric as 30+.

 

[kinkymomjianlis]

the 'best of cl' was filled with funny stuff

 

[imnauti]

So right now a whole bunch of fake/bot/scam ads have just been posted near me. I know this because they're all w4m, all posted by "fun" gals in their mid 20s and all have a pic attached. (Cute girls holding up their shirts or striking a 'seductive' pose) I 'm going to have to go back and read some more before they're all gone but this one caught my attention.....

Howdy.
Ima real cool chick to chill wit...Im single yes yes single... Im lookin rite now.
Im funny can sometimes be a dork and most of the time I say things that don't make sence at all I think its only fair that I list the maybe not so good things about me.
I just want some no-attachment fun. That's IT!~ Some of you may like that, some may not.
I am looking for a sweet fun loving guy to get to know a little better I am not into head games.
I'm just looking for some fun for the summer.. nothing too serious.
If you have problems with someone because of their sexual nature, hobbies, talents, then you should not be here.
So if anyone wants to help let me know! .

Hmmmm.... It's Michigan. There's no confusing summer and winter here!!

 

[imnauti]

The title for this one:

"i should take my cute little shirt off what do you think"

It doesn't really go with the message....

Hey everyone!! I'm kinda new to these things so bear with me.. lol.
threapy.I like working out being outside specially by the water.
I would like to meet someone who enjoys hanging out in groups, but also enjoys relaxing at home..
If we meet and don't hit it off, hey, at least we walk away with what will probably be a funny story...lol.
Someone who I can have fun with and be serious with.
leave me a msggg and maybe we can hang out .

 

[imnauti]

Hi there..
I am new at the internet dating thing and talking about me is not my best subject.
I'm a huge animal lover.
I'm looking for someone who's attractive, funny, open, honest, and weird..
im looking for a special kind guy that likes to have a good time and not be afraid to do so..
Someone who is fun.
I'm getting the wrong type of responses, and that's probably more my fault than anything..
If you realy like to get to know a sweet girl then feel free to send me a message and get to know me better.

What do you think??? Does this fit the title "SEXY FEMALE LOOKING FOR MEN ONLY WITH FETISH" (Not to mention the pic of the two blondes in lace halter tops.)

 

[imnauti]

If you are wondering, the name is from a Spanish poem that I love - - w4m - 19
Date: 2010-02-15, 12:03PM EST
Reply To This Post

If you are wondering, the name is from a Spanish poem that I love - except the 2 part. I happen to find this poem while looking for something else one day. That is one of the things I like most in life - finding something you love by chance.Although quoting Spanish poetry may make me sound very girly and romantic, I have to be honest and say I do not think those are the first words someone would use to describe me. I can be those things, but it probably would not be the first impression you would get. To use the words of family and friends - and a jellybean personality test we took at work - I am easy to talk to, good natured and I can get along well with almost anyone. People love to rib me

Ummm.... What name?? And is she even looking for anything?

 

[imnauti]

Another Best of...

To the diminutive lesbian who slept in my bed last night

 

[Chicago Ken]

Thanks for the bumps on this one, imnauti. It's pretty damn funny!

Found this pithy one in the "Missed Connections" area, which has become a new favorite of mine thanks to this thread:

You: Big Boss at the table - w4m - 48 (hell)

Me: Got caught drinking during work hours.

Thanks for not firing me.

If you want/need a blowjob, give me a call.

--

I also liked the one about sex in the ball pit from earlier in the thread. That actually does sound like fun to me.

 

[lonelysouth]

A friend forwarded this one to me. I don't know which is better (or worse?) -- the ad itself or the photo...

Just looking for a girl I can love

Here's the text:

Hey the names Justin, im origannly from North Carliona, just moved up here abovut 6 years. Im not circumsized, i still got all that extra foreskin, and i love it. Just check, ill have my mom pick you up or you can pick me up. I like cats and dog, i have a brother, he might drive me too. I like having sex with no condoms, so be preared to take it bare. I prefer fat girls and deseprate so deff get at me ladies.

Hmmmm...tasty one, eh?

 

[orgamimime]

A friend forwarded this one to me. I don't know which is better (or worse?) -- the ad itself or the photo...

Just looking for a girl I can love

Here's the text:



Hmmmm...tasty one, eh?

That just SCREAMS class... I am sure he is VERY popular with the ladies!

 

[mature5720]

I also liked the one about sex in the ball pit from earlier in the thread. That actually does sound like fun to me.

I'm glad im not the only one

 

[imnauti]

A friend forwarded this one to me. I don't know which is better (or worse?) -- the ad itself or the photo...

Just looking for a girl I can love

Here's the text:



Hmmmm...tasty one, eh?

Makes me sad I'm not in Pittsburgh!

Seriously, though, at least we can relax that he's not out there spreading diseases....... I'm thinking that even with his extremely low standards, with his transportation issues, he isn't having much luck.

 

[imnauti]

Hmmmm. It IS March, right???

Title: Valentines Day Suprise - mw4m - 28
Date: 2010-03-22, 7:54PM EDT
Reply To This Post

Looking to suprise my girl. She has been talking about this for a while and I thought I would let her have it! You must be in good shape and laid back. Safe sex a must and play by our rules. She is really into "Muscle Studs" She is in fantastic shape, no kids, so that thing is tight as can be! I can handle her giving you head at first and we will see where it goes from there. DO NOT RESPOND WITHOUT STATS AND A BODY AND COCK PHOTO, NO ONE LINERS GUYS, THIS IS FOR REAL!