Is "mid-life crisis" a male thing?

[Jackie.Hikaru]

She took on the role of the sexy older woman (35) and her crisis was over.

 

[Lifestyle66]

I think my wife had a bit of a crisis after having two babies and wondering if she was still attractive. Thank goodness, at that same time, several younger men who called on her medical office began to flirt with her. Or maybe she began to notice it more. She took on the role of the sexy older woman (35) and her crisis was over.

You've got the makings of a good Loving Wives story there!

 

[gtnlynn]

You've got the makings of a good Loving Wives story there!

There were a few good stories from that period.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Sometimes, I mourn for the child who never will be. But Donnie has taken most of that pain away. The downside would've been the need for a man to make a baby. However, there would always be the other AI option, artificial insemination.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

I think a lot of it traces back to childhood.
Girls grow up playing with dolls, having tea parties, playing "house".
Then they grow up and all those things happen.
Dolls become real babies, the doll house or playhouse becomes a real house...their play becomes real. They raise a family and all those childhood dreams have been realized.

Boys grow up pretending to be pirates, soldiers, explorers, knights... having grand adventures.
Then they grow up, go to work, provide for a family, their kids grow up. Then one day they realize they can't do the things they used to. They've lost a step...and then they realize all those adventures are never going to happen.
They are never going to see the snows of Kilamanjaro, paddle up the Amazon in a dugout canoe, never going to have a real adventure. And they have to figure out how to get past that.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I think a lot of it traces back to childhood.
Girls grow up playing with dolls, having tea parties, playing "house".
Then they grow up and all those things happen.
Dolls become real babies, the doll house or playhouse becomes a real house...their play becomes real. They raise a family and all those childhood dreams have been realized.

Boys grow up pretending to be pirates, soldiers, explorers, knights... having grand adventures.
Then they grow up, go to work, provide for a family, their kids grow up. Then one day they realize they can't do the things they used to. They've lost a step...and then they realize all those adventures are never going to happen.
They are never going to see the snows of Kilamanjaro, paddle up the Amazon in a dugout canoe, never going to have a real adventure. And they have to figure out how to get past that.

I think there's a lot of truth in that - from the male side anyway. Only one guy from the dozen or so in my group of friends from my teens to late twenties has had what could be flagged a mid life crisis. The rest of us went caving, abseiling, built and raced cars or motorbikes, camping in the middle of nowhere, and other goofy things. Yes, there are things I would have liked to do when I was younger, and some things I regret, but I've never had that burning need to dye my hair and buy a Porche.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

I think there's a lot of truth in that - from the male side anyway. Only one guy from the dozen or so in my group of friends from my teens to late twenties has had what could be flagged a mid life crisis. The rest of us went caving, abseiling, built and raced cars or motorbikes, camping in the middle of nowhere, and other goofy things. Yes, there are things I would have liked to do when I was younger, and some things I regret, but I've never had that burning need to dye my hair and buy a Porche.

If a guy started doing any of the things you describe later in life it would be labeled having a mid-life crisis. And if you never stopped doing them people would accuse you of never growing up.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I suspect it's a bit like heart attacks, orgasms, or autism: women get those things too, but they often present differently to how they do in men, and it's easy to miss if your idea of what they look like is shaped by the stereotypically male version.

I knew one lady who got tired of being a housewife somewhere around her fifties. She went off to complete her high school education, then picked up two degrees and got a prestigious professional job. Probably a better decision than buying a sports car and running off with an intern, but still a radical mid-life change of direction.

Others who changed careers entirely, others who got divorced from their husbands and did the late-onset-lesbian thing - no sports cars involved but I think some motorbikes. Do those things count?

 

[Razzyricho]

I always think, how can you know it’s the middle of your life? You might only have one day left, maybe you’re only a quarter of the way…
Memento mori, cherish each moment.

 

[Britva415]

I had one, and so did a lot of my male friends.
But I'm damned if I can think of any women who've had one.
What makes it such a male thing?

Men are more willing to bail out of responsibilities than women are, in general.

I mean, as long as we're generalizing.

 

[Duleigh]

But I'm damned if I can think of any women who've had one.

SERIOUSLY???
We're writers, our job isn't writing so much as observing so we can color our work with our discoveries. I personally didn't really have a mid-life crisis, I was busy working for a living however every single woman I know had one, but not in the mid-40's to mid-50s when it's supposed to hit men. With women it hits at the exact same age as every other woman:

29

When a woman hits 29 they suddenly realize they're not a teeny anymore and in a few days (365) they're going to be 30! Their childhood is over! it's time for a last fling. Every woman I know went through that. I'm not going to make remarks about biological clocks, etc. This is a "The good times are over" crisis.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

SERIOUSLY???
We're writers, our job isn't writing so much as observing so we can color our work with our discoveries. I personally didn't really have a mid-life crisis, I was busy working for a living however every single woman I know had one, but not in the mid-40's to mid-50s when it's supposed to hit men. With women it hits at the exact same age as every other woman:

29

When a woman hits 29 they suddenly realize they're not a teeny anymore and in a few days (365) they're going to be 30! Their childhood is over! it's time for a last fling. Every woman I know went through that. I'm not going to make remarks about biological clocks, etc. This is a "The good times are over" crisis.

That supports Bramblethorn's argument about it presenting differently in women.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I had one, and so did a lot of my male friends.
But I'm damned if I can think of any women who've had one.
What makes it such a male thing?

Oh oh...
Buckle in...
This could be life changing...
Why is it specific to men??????

It's in the Jeans....

 

[Duleigh]

Oh oh...
Buckle in...
This could be life changing...
Why is it specific to men??????

It's in the Jeans....

I think it is specific to people with regrets. I grew up dirt poor with few expectations in life and when Uncle Sam handed me a paycheck regularly for doing things a sane person would never do, that exceeded all expectations I ever had. While other men were having their midlife crisis I was going to college and joyfully torturing college professors, and making money doing it. I never thought "I should be doing this," or "I should have accomplished that"

 

[Cagivagurl]

I think it is specific to people with regrets. I grew up dirt poor with few expectations in life and when Uncle Sam handed me a paycheck regularly for doing things a sane person would never do, that exceeded all expectations I ever had. While other men were having their midlife crisis I was going to college and joyfully torturing college professors, and making money doing it. I never thought "I should be doing this," or "I should have accomplished that"

I'm not sure.
I haven't reached midlife yet, I still have time. Something to build towards perhaps.
I don't think it matters whether you're rich or poor. When you get to the stage in life, and you feel that you haven't reached the lofty heights you expected.
Regardless of gender, you question yourself. Seek out the missing ingredient.
I guess if you're still looking. It means there's something missing...
Yeah, there's the cliché. Buy a sports car, speedboat, motorcycle. Drink, take drugs.
It has to be driven by unhappiness.
Who knows not me.
I already have 3 motorcycles. Maybe I've had mine... Didn't even know. Damn it. I might be on the slippery slide to the end.... Bugger.
"Oh well."
Cagivagurl

 

[Duleigh]

I'm not sure.
I haven't reached midlife yet, I still have time. Something to build towards perhaps.
I don't think it matters whether you're rich or poor. When you get to the stage in life, and you feel that you haven't reached the lofty heights you expected.
Regardless of gender, you question yourself. Seek out the missing ingredient.
I guess if you're still looking. It means there's something missing...
Yeah, there's the cliché. Buy a sports car, speedboat, motorcycle. Drink, take drugs.
It has to be driven by unhappiness.
Who knows not me.
I already have 3 motorcycles. Maybe I've had mine... Didn't even know. Damn it. I might be on the slippery slide to the end.... Bugger.
"Oh well."
Cagivagurl

If you don't know that you had a MLC, you didn't have one
I think they're more fictional than anything, but the few that exist are driven by dissatisfaction

 

[Kelliezgirl]

I'm not sure.
I haven't reached midlife yet, I still have time. Something to build towards perhaps.
I don't think it matters whether you're rich or poor. When you get to the stage in life, and you feel that you haven't reached the lofty heights you expected.
Regardless of gender, you question yourself. Seek out the missing ingredient.
I guess if you're still looking. It means there's something missing...
Yeah, there's the cliché. Buy a sports car, speedboat, motorcycle. Drink, take drugs.
It has to be driven by unhappiness.
Who knows not me.
I already have 3 motorcycles. Maybe I've had mine... Didn't even know. Damn it. I might be on the slippery slide to the end.... Bugger.
"Oh well."
Cagivagurl

Humphrey Bogart would watch the 1937 version of "A Star is Born" on Christmas (his birthday) and weep. Finally, one year, director Richard Brooks, a long-time friend of Bogart's asked him why. "Because," Bogart explained, "I expected a lot more of myself. And I'm never going to get it.".

 

[Lifestyle66]

If you don't know that you had a MLC, you didn't have one
I think they're more fictional than anything, but the few that exist are driven by dissatisfaction

... While other men were having their midlife crisis I was going to college and joyfully torturing college professors, and making money doing it. I never thought "I should be doing this," or "I should have accomplished that"

MLC doesn't necessarily require a thoughtful "I should have ..." regret analysis. You don't recognize it as such, but that was your MLC.

Many people go through some deliberate life changing event, whether it's changing jobs, buying a cheap sports car when the kids are finally grown, or go on some expensive vacation, justifying it as needing to change jobs or career, or "I deserve this." But that's how they justify what others would see as a change from the old status quo life, which they could have continued forever.

Look at your life at around 35-45 years old and ask yourself; "What did I CHOOSE to change, which wasn't really a forced change in my life?" Even retiring from the military at around that age is effectively an MLC choice, deciding to get out at 20 years' service, rather than staying until you're forced out. It's a major change in your life, which you might have otherwise avoided or delayed.

 

[Duleigh]

Look at your life at around 35-45 years old and ask yourself; "What did I CHOOSE to change, which wasn't really a forced change in my life?" Even retiring from the military at around that age is effectively an MLC choice, deciding to get out at 20 years' service, rather than staying until you're forced out. It's a major change in your life, which you might have otherwise avoided or delayed.

A major change is not a mid-life-crisis, and when I retired at 20 I got a job and went to work, went to college. When I came down with a fatal lung condition I didn't run out and buy a Mazda Miata and pick up a blond hooker, I followed my doctors directions and let her have the crisis.

 

[Lifestyle66]

A major change is not a mid-life-crisis, and when I retired at 20 I got a job and went to work, went to college. When I came down with a fatal lung condition I didn't run out and buy a Mazda Miata and pick up a blond hooker, I followed my doctors directions and let her have the crisis.

Were you forced out at 20? Or could you have continued in service?

I retired at 21 years, justifying in my mind that I PROBABLY wouldn't get promoted to make it past 24 years and be forced out. But that wasn't a fact, merely my justification for the choice.

That's a subtle distinction people might misconstrue. And the very fact you're making such a major life change at that age supplants the obvious mid-life-crisis feeling.

 

[Mogrem]

I always find the idea of a midlife crisis interesting, because at 61, I don’t think I got a chance to have one because I’ve had so many other crises come up through my adult life, from losing jobs to my first wife passing away and so on, where I’ve had to keep starting over… I’m not even sure around what age it is supposedly happening at, to be honest. Maybe I’m having mine late?

Its never too late. That Harley-Davidson is still waiting for you.

 

[Inthesewalls]

To be clear, my "mid-life crisis" was entirely, as the Talking Heads described so beautifully, about my identity, not about sex, or menopause, or children growing up. It was triggered by the death of my father, and related to my place in society, family, and work.

I can't believe the high emotions this has rendered, with people wanting to "own" mid-life crises, as though it's mysoginistic or somehow callous to make this observation. And it's an observation based on really knowing, and experiencing, what happens during one.

What I DO think it that mid-life crisis is a luxury that few can afford (literally). I doubt that many people who are too involved with the daily fire-fighting of coping with life would have one. It comes precisely at a time when stresses are actually lowered (i.e. after your kids take up less of your time, and when you can make work/familiy choices).

I'm saying all of this respectfully so I hope you take this in this spirit intended but first off the way you have been talking about "mid life" crisis as solely a male thing is honestly pretty offensive. It's like asking if women have any hopes or dreams beyond motherhood or sex or menopause. Like we don't have identities that we also might question. Do you talk to real women? Every single one of us, married, unmarried, childree, children whatever, we are all people. Do you understand that? Because you seem to think that only "men" are deep thinkers who would question their place in the world. It's pretty ludicrous. If people seem offended it's because frankly, whether you meant to or not you are being offensive.

I can tell you are one of those guys who thinks they are one hundred percent logical and have no feelings. I feel sorry for men who feel this way- genuinely. Why do you think you had a mid life crisis? Because you have feelings. I've never read a more emotional sentence than- I'm questioning my place in the world. If you didn't care, if you didn't have feelings- you would not be questioning. You even referenced a song. Is there anything more emotional than being moved by a song lyric? There's no shame in that. Its a good thing. To keep prattling on about how only men feel this way and how you wouldn't deign to HAVE FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS is honestly audacious and offensive. What you went through must be above what other people have went through right? Thats how you are coming across. Its kinda gross to even start a thread that basically asks if women have feelings beyond motherhood or marriage or their looks. As if we are mere accessories and not humans who are vibrant and full of ideas and dreams just like men.

As for your own situation, I'm sorry you went through what you did. It's a hard time to be in that spot. I don't think its really regulated to just midlife. I hope you have found or are finding some peace.

 

[Deleted member 6666935]

Its never too late. That Harley-Davidson is still waiting for you.

Oh, not for me! Maybe the Bat-Cycle…

 

[nice90sguy]

I'm saying all of this respectfully so I hope you take this in this spirit intended but first off the way you have been talking about "mid life" crisis as solely a male thing is honestly pretty offensive. It's like asking if women have any hopes or dreams beyond motherhood or sex or menopause. Like we don't have identities that we also might question. Do you talk to real women? Every single one of us, married, unmarried, childree, children whatever, we are all people. Do you understand that? Because you seem to think that only "men" are deep thinkers who would question their place in the world. It's pretty ludicrous. If people seem offended it's because frankly, whether you meant to or not you are being offensive.

I can tell you are one of those guys who thinks they are one hundred percent logical and have no feelings. I feel sorry for men who feel this way- genuinely. Why do you think you had a mid life crisis? Because you have feelings. I've never read a more emotional sentence than- I'm questioning my place in the world. If you didn't care, if you didn't have feelings- you would not be questioning. You even referenced a song. Is there anything more emotional than being moved by a song lyric? There's no shame in that. Its a good thing. To keep prattling on about how only men feel this way and how you wouldn't deign to HAVE FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS is honestly audacious and offensive. What you went through must be above what other people have went through right? Thats how you are coming across. Its kinda gross to even start a thread that basically asks if women have feelings beyond motherhood or marriage or their looks. As if we are mere accessories and not humans who are vibrant and full of ideas and dreams just like men.

As for your own situation, I'm sorry you went through what you did. It's a hard time to be in that spot. I don't think its really regulated to just midlife. I hope you have found or are finding some peace.

I don't know, and frankly don't want to know what you think about me personally. I don't know you. If you want to shout and accuse, do it in a pm, but I doubt if I'd reply. The majority of your post echoed the knee-jerk, thoughtless and unjustified rightious indignation that's been posted here by some other people.

Before you rush to disagree with me, make sure you actually understand what I'm saying, and never, ever make assumptions about people's personal experience.

I won't tolereate personal attacks, character assessments or slurs from anyone here, least of all from someone who doesn't know me.

 

[nice90sguy]

Elliott Jaques , who coined the term "Mid-life-crisis" in a speech in the late 1950's in London, quoted the 35-year-old protagonist in Dante's Divine Comedy:

“Midway upon the journey of our life / I found myself within a forest dark / For the straightforward pathway had been lost.”

Jaques did describe it as affecting both men and women (differently), and attempted an explanation of its triggers. But, and this is really my point, the term came to be used, and applied, far more to men than to women.

Personally I think that's because men had a greater ability to make life-choices than women at the time. That's still the case, but less so today.

My father, who was hospitalised for depression in his early 40's (and was given a bunch of medication and even subjected to the short-lived "cure" of electroconvulsive therapy), eventually emerged from his "mid-life crisis" , continuing his lifestyle after the hiatus much the same as before it occured.

That was not the case with me. My early forties was when I started to write, intially dramatic screenplays, but also erotica, which I began posting here. I left both my wife and my work (while continuing to be the sole financial provider for both her and my kids), and resumed my first career, as a musician, which I did for the next ten years. I became a full-time carer for my mother who suffered from dementia for a few years until her death. When she died, I inherited some money, and bought a mobile home, where I still live. Since then I've gone back to my "pre-crisis" career, and remarried, having gotten too old for the demanding life of a gigging musician. But my life, and to an extent my personality, is now very different from what it was before my mid-life crisis.

I commend a mid-life crisis to anyone who finds themselves in a rut, and feels like there's a better way to live.