Jokes & Humor

[Icey*Fire]

A guy who fancied hinself a stud picked up a woman in a bar, bought her a couple of drinks, took her back to his apartment, and made passionate love to her. But as the guy lit up a cigarettee, the girl hopped out of bed and said.."Boy, are you a lousy lover."
The guy replied indigantly, " I don't see how you can say that after only two minutes."

 

[Daff]

that gotta hurt

 

[Daff]

big mouse

 

[Daff]

What would Ms Piggy say?

 

[Daff]

Country Music

A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music."

The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays.

The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.

Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like pussy?"

The gay man replies, "Yea, but she doesn't like country music."

 

[Daff]

meanie

 

[redrider4u]

Author somewhere on Lit...

Not from me............but a reasonable copy........

A gal gives birth to quintuplets........then jumps out of the bed and starts beating her husband...............

"NO more doggie style!"

 

[tonitits]

How to Impress a Woman:

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the ends of the earth and back for her.


How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked,
Bring food,
Don't block the TV

 

[tonitits]

The next few I received in an email. Pretty funny!

Martha Stewart's New Home.

 

[tonitits]

another one.

 

[tonitits]

the final one.

 

[redrider4u]

How to Impress a Woman:

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the ends of the earth and back for her.


How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked,
Bring food,
Don't block the TV

Bring beer.

I mean, we guys are so damn romantic................

I mean, shit, brought my gal flowers once. Hell, no good on a grave were they?

 

[Daff]

The Condom Game: How good is your shooting?



Click Here....to play


btw, I got 100 pts first time lol .. betcha you can do better

 

[edreams]

This is a long one but well worth the read LMAO!

GARDNERS BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out
from under the sofa and one of the EmergencyMedicalTechnicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in
the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion
where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a
point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with
his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried
to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it
shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his
ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed... Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when she shot him...

 

[tonitits]

This is a long one but well worth the read LMAO!

GARDNERS BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out
from under the sofa and one of the EmergencyMedicalTechnicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in
the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion
where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a
point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with
his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried
to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it
shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his
ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed... Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when she shot him...

Too funny!

 

[Guest]

a lil holiday fun ....

 

[Guest]

another

 

[tonitits]

another

those are both great!

 

[Guest]

bwaahahahaha !!

 

[Guest]

those are both great!

Thank you!

 

[Icey*Fire]

The couple met at the bar, had a few drinks, necked passionately in a cab, entered his apartment, tore their clothes off , and climbed in bed.
As he pumped away, he said, "Oh , baby, don't you feel the electricity between us."
"I did ," she grumbled. "Until I discovered your short circuit."

(yep you are so romantic red. )lol

 

[edreams]

I knew it, I knew it. They finally released
the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-a-Flat

 

[Daff]

interesting

 

[edreams]

A little old man shuffled .slooooowly...........into an ice
cream parlor, pulled himself .slooooooowly............
painfully....... up onto a stool.

After catching his breath..............................
he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts?


Nope, he replied, arthritis.

 

[redrider4u]

A son goes golfing with his father and grandfather. Just before they are about to tee off, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes up to them. "Can I join your group, my partners cancelled on me?"

All three men agree, but she says there is one condition. She is not a very good golfer, and none of them can give her advice during the round. The men agree, anything to watch this babe golf.

Well, she shoots the lights out. They get to the 18th green, and she has parred every hole. She needs to make a 20 foot putt to save par, and stay even for the round. "I've never had a par round before!" she exclaims. "I know I told you guys not too help me, but whoever can give me some instruction on how to sink this putt, I will give him the blowjob of his lifetime."

Well, the son steps up and tells her to hit the ball six inches to the left of the pin because of the slight break. The father disagrees and urges her to hit the ball softly, 8-12 inches to the left of the pin.

The woman looks at the grandfather for help. The old man comes over to her, picks up the ball, walks to the pin and drops the ball in the hole. "We'll call it a gimme."