Jokes & Humor

[Daff]

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsy," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy," replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

 

[Daff]

30 things NOT to say to a naked man...
>>>1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
>>>2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
>>>3. Why don't we just cuddle?
>>>4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
>>>5. Make it dance.
>>>6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
>>>7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
>>>8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
>>>9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
>>>10. Oh no... a flash headache.
>>>11. (giggle and point)
>>>12. Can I be honest with you?
>>>13. How sweet, you brought incense.
>>>14. This explains your car.
>>>15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
>>>16. Why is God punishing me?
>>>17. At least this won't take long.
>>>18. I never saw one like that before.
>>>19. But it still works, right?
>>>20. It looks so unused.
>>>21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
>>>22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
>>>23. Are you cold?
>>>24. If you get me real drunk first.
>>>25. Is that an optical illusion?
>>>26. What is that?
>>>27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
>>>28. Does it come with an air pump?
>>>29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
>>>30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

 

[edreams]

SHORT "HOT LOVE STORY"

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU....
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU.....
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL
YOU GRUNT AND GROAN...
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE
RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE YOU.....AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE,

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
THE FLU

Just what were you thinkin" it was

 

[barn888]

30 things NOT to say to a naked man...
>>>1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
>>>2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
>>>3. Why don't we just cuddle?
>>>4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
>>>5. Make it dance.
>>>6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
>>>7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
>>>8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
>>>9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
>>>10. Oh no... a flash headache.
>>>11. (giggle and point)
>>>12. Can I be honest with you?
>>>13. How sweet, you brought incense.
>>>14. This explains your car.
>>>15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
>>>16. Why is God punishing me?
>>>17. At least this won't take long.
>>>18. I never saw one like that before.
>>>19. But it still works, right?
>>>20. It looks so unused.
>>>21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
>>>22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
>>>23. Are you cold?
>>>24. If you get me real drunk first.
>>>25. Is that an optical illusion?
>>>26. What is that?
>>>27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
>>>28. Does it come with an air pump?
>>>29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
>>>30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

 

[Daff]

>In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
>did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
>comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been
>called Amazon Dot Com.
>
>And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town
>to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
>
>And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
>a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
>
>And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns, and drums in
>between, to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
>reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on
>the drums, and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
>
>Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
>drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success! Abraham sold
>all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
>But this success did arouse envy!
>
>A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was
>accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading
>as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
>
>And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
>deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were
>going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every
>drum company in the land ... and indeed did insist on making drums that
>would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
>
>And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
>others."
>
>And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be
>known, "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are."
>
>And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
>
>"YAHOO," said Abraham!
>
>And that is how it all began ...
>

 

[redrider4u]

The Teacher

asked little Jimmy:

"Three birds were sitting on a fence. A hunter shot one bird. How many were left?"

Little Jimmy thought for a moment, then answered: "None."

Execting him to say two, the teacher asked: "How did you get none? Three minus one is two."

Jimmy answered, "One was shot and the other two flew away because of the gunshot noise."

The teacher responded: "Thats kinda right, but I like the way you think."


"Now," Jimmy said, " I have one for you."

"Three women were sitting on a park bench with ice cream cones. One was biting her ice cream, one was licking, and one was sucking. Which one is married?"

Very embarassed, the the teacher whispered: "the one sucking?"

"No," said Jimmy, "the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think........"

 

[Daff]

Some funny links....especially if you love cats lol

Northern Kitties

Punk kittens

click this

Psycho Techno Hypno Kitten Snake Game

All these and more, can be found here

 

[Daff]

Moron Quiz

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's
sister.

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What
do you get?

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are
you left with?

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half an hour. How long will the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep
are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the
ark?

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?



***NO CHEATING***

*
*
*
*
*

So how do you think you did? Here are the answers....

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?

Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

One (1). You can only be born once.

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.

4. How many outs are there in an inning? Six (6).

Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's
sister?

No. He must be dead if it is his widow!

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What
do you get?

Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are
you left with?

Two (2). You take two apples...therefore, YOU have TWO apples.

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half and hour. How long will the pills last?

One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at
1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an
hour has passed.

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep
are left?

Nine (9). like I said, all BUT nine die.

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark?

None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?

Meat...that is self-explanatory.

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's a
dozen!



So, how did you do?

12 correct...GENIUS...you are good!
9-11 correct...ABOVE AVERAGE...but don't let it go to your head
5-8 correct...AVERAGE...but who wants to be average?
3-4 correct...SLOW...pay attention to the question
1-2 correct...IDIOT...what else can I say
0 correct...CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!

 

[Daff]

 

[edreams]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,

"Those little bastards."

LMAO Ha Ha Ha

 

[Daff]

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and
wanted to go out and party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to
go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he
had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spider Man to see if
he fancied a few beers. Spider Man told him he had a date with Cat
Woman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment
to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman
naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself "I'm
faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and out
again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his
"super thing" in a split second and flies off happily.

Meanwhile, on the bed, Wonder woman asked, "Did you hear anything?"
"No," said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts!"

 

[~Elizabeth~]

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one
at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's
house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

 

[Icey*Fire]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming

 

[edreams]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with
the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the
emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I
put the gun to my! chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00
for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked
the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I
just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting
myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear,
and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise.

So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the
trigger."


LMAO

 

[Celtic Princess]

> > > Simple Thoughts
> > >
> > >
> > > 1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
> > >
> > > 2. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
> > >
> > > 3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the
end
> > > and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
> > >
> > > 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
> > >
> > > 5. Friday night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
> > >
> > > 6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder now days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
> > >
> > > 7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
> > >
> > > 8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
> > >
> > > 9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
> > >
> > > 10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
> > >
> > > 11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
> > >
> > > 12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
> > >
> > > 13. There is a theory, which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
> > >
> > > 14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
> > >
> > > 15. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came her legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, go compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.



Basil

 

[edreams]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said and her Mom responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the Mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

 

[edreams]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive young blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!

 

[Icey*Fire]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

 

[Icey*Fire]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

[Lordknightspoetry]

A young boy asks his father,

"Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we
didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In
her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother,

"Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man
goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an
oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

 

[Lordknightspoetry]

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

[Lordknightspoetry]

ust in case you're traveling through rural Alberta and Sask, here
is a list of rules that will be handed to everyone entering the
province:

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more
work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive
because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old.
Yeah, we shot Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will
get your butt kicked...by our women.

5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an
idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't
have it up to your ear at the time.

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey.

8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes unsweetened in a glass with
two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

9. You bring Coke into my house you should bring rye along, and
ice.

10. So you have a sixty-thousand- dollar car. We're real
impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two
weeks a year.

11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town.
We stop when it's red.
We may even stop when it's yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to.
So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

13. Yeah, we eat trout, Northern, Walleye, and Pike, too. If you
really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over
it. Don't like it?
Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them.

15. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and deer
season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the
church.

16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called
being friendly.
Understand the concept?

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit into the water hazards.
It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the
deer...

 

[Icey*Fire]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

 

[Icey*Fire]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

 

[edreams]

WAL-MART Job Application: This is an actual job application that a 17-Year old boy submitted to Wal-Mart in Florida... and they hired him cause he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, wouldn't I be there?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LB.? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries