Jokes & Humor

[redrider4u]

A day on the golf course

A husband takes his wife to play her first game
of
> golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her
first shot
> right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent
> to the course.
>
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful! Now
> we'll have to go up there, find the owner,
apologize
> and see how much your lousy drive is going to
cost us."
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and
knocked on the
> door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
>
> When they opened the door they saw the damage
that was
> done: glass was all over the place, and a
broken
> antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken
> window.
>
> A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you
the people
> that broke my window?"
>
> "Uh...yes. We're sure sorry about that," the
> husband replied.
>
> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want
to thank
> you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been
trapped in that
> bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
released
> me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each
> one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the
last one
> for myself."
>
> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He
pondered a
> second and blurted out, "I'd like a million
dollars a
> year for the rest of my life." "No problem,"
said the
> genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll
> guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
>
> "And now you, young lady, what do you want?"
the genie
> asked.
>
> "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants
> in every country in the world," she said.
>
> "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
homes will
> always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
> disasters!"
>
> "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's
your
> wish, genie?"
>
> "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle
and haven't
> been with a woman in more than a thousand
years, my
> wish is to sleep with your wife."
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey,
> you know we both now have a fortune, and all
those houses.
> What do you think?"
>
> She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know,
> you're right. Considering our good fortune, I
guess I
> wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
>
> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the
husband.
> "I'd do the same for you!"
>
> So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they
>
> spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each
other. The
> genie was insatiable. After about three hours
of nonstop
> fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her
> eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?"
>
> "Why, we're both 35," she responded
breathlessly.
>
> "Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of
you still
> believe in genies?"

 

[edreams]

Farmer John has three sons.

One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn
and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you
a car."

The boy was not too happy but he under- stood and said, "Ok,
Dad."

A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike.
Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is
paid for...."

Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a
tricycle. Again, 'ol dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,
mumbling to himself.

His dad says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."

The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid off!!!"

 

[edreams]

What does a BOSS and a Beer bottle have in common?





They are both empty from the neck up?

 

[edreams]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answer machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and threw the cat into the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had thrown into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because it always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the back yard!!"

LMAO

 

[Ts Jack]

A joke...

One day, Billy Joe was walking down Main Street and saw his buddy, Bubba driving a brand new pickup truck. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, Where's y'all get that truck?"

"Bobbi Sue give it to me," Bubba replied.

"You say she give it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya but a new truck?"

"Well, Billy Joe, this is what happened. We was out driving on Country Road 6, in the middle of nowhere when Bobby Sue shifts into four wheel drive and pulls off the road and headed into the woods. When we gets there, she parks the truck, jumps out, rips off her clothes and says to me, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck. Them closthes woulda never fit me."


Ts Jack

 

[Ts Jack]

Another

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and wanders around the park. Shortly, he sees a gorgeous petite blonde and immediately get an raging erection. The woman notices the hard on and comes over to him saying, "Did you call me?"

Taken aback, the man replys "No. What do you mean?"

The woman says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you are calling for me."

Then, smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down with him and they make mad, passionate love.

Later, the man continues exploring the park facilities and finds a sauna where he sits down for a relaxing interlude. Then he farts.

A moment later a huge hairy man enters the sauna and asks, "Did you call for me?"

"No" the fluster man replys.

"Oh. You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule here that if you fart, it implies you are calling for me."

With that the huge, hairy man throws the man down over a bench, spreads his cheeks and has his way with him.

Afterwards the newcomer staggers back to the park office where he is greeted by the naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she inquires.

The man yells, "Here's your damn membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a very short time. You have yet to see all of our facilities.

The newcomer stares at the receptionist and says, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get a hard on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

Ts Jack

 

[Icey*Fire]

Re: A joke...

One day, Billy Joe was walking down Main Street and saw his buddy, Bubba driving a brand new pickup truck. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, Where's y'all get that truck?"

"Bobbi Sue give it to me," Bubba replied.

"You say she give it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya but a new truck?"

"Well, Billy Joe, this is what happened. We was out driving on Country Road 6, in the middle of nowhere when Bobby Sue shifts into four wheel drive and pulls off the road and headed into the woods. When we gets there, she parks the truck, jumps out, rips off her clothes and says to me, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck. Them closthes woulda never fit me."


Ts Jack

kat shakes her head...laughing...
MEN AND THEIR TRUCKS...

 

[Icey*Fire]

When I got to work this morning there was a new announcement
tacked up by the time clock..it read...
From this day forward all employees must take one ginko biloba tablet and one viagra tablet ......
..so everyone can remember what the fuck they are doing.!!!!

 

[Raindear816]

yet another blonde joke

Roses

One day a blonde was on the phone with her friend a brunnette.
It was a rare occasion, but the brunnette had just received roses from her husband.

brunnette: "Joe sent me the most beautiful bouquet of roses
today."

blonde: "Oh that's wonderful! I know you must be thrilled!"

brunnette: "Ughh, no. When he sends me flowers, I spend the
next few days on my back with my legs spread in the
air if you know what I mean."

blonde: "Gee, dontcha have a vase?"

i am blonde, it took me 2 days to get this joke, but when i did, I laughed so hard.

 

[Ts Jack]

Hmmm Try this...

The family was visiting grandpa at the nursing home. During the visit the daughter asked the old man, "How do you like it here, Grandpa?"

The old man smiled and replied, "I love it. They got old people like me. They got games to play. They give me everything I want. I get three squares a day. But best of all, at bedtime they give me a Viagra and a big cup of warm chocolate milk. It's a wonderful place."

Horrified the daughter ran to the hall and stopped a passing nurse. "Is it true about the Chocolate Milk and Viagra?" she asked.

"Why yes," the nurse responded, "All the gentleman patients here so love their warm chocolate at night. Makes them sleep like babies. And the Viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed."

Tz Jack

 

[Daff]

Hitchhiker

A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick
up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker. A few miles into the trek, the
blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled
over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could
give him some oral pleasure. Once his pants were down to his
ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists
to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes,
and drove off with his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and
began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get
something's help.
A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled
man. "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin. The
man explained his plight... The trucker stepped down from his
truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, "This just
ain't been your day, has it boy!"

 

[Ts Jack]

Here's one

Two Italian men get on a bus, sit down and begin an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at firest but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once a-more. Then two asses come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come onelasta time."

"You foul mouthed, sex obsessed, Swine!" the woman screamed indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said one of the Italians. "Who talkin abouta sex? I'm just telling my frienda how to spella Mississippi."


Ts Jack

 

[edreams]

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.



<><><>



At the cocktail party,

one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring

on the wrong finger?"

The other women replied,

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."



<><><>



A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:

"Husband wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."



<><><>



When a woman steals your husband,

there is no better revenge

than to let her keep him.



<><><>



Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A.

The rest cheat in Canada.



<><><>



A woman is incomplete until she is married.

Then she is finished..



<><><>



A little boy asked his father,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied,

"I don't know son, I'm still paying."



<><><>



Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts

of Africa a man doesn't know his wife

until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.



<><><>



Then there was a woman who said,

"I never knew what real happiness was

until I got married; and by then it was too late."



<><><>



If you want your spouse to listen

and pay strict attention to every word you say,

talk in your sleep.



<><><>



Just think, if it weren't for marriage,

men would go through life thinking they had

no faults at all.



<><><>



Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?



<><><>



First guy: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."



<><><>



Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street

with a bald head and a beer gut,

and still think they are attractive
to the opposite sex.

 

[Ts Jack]

Ummm...

College kid at a Catholic University was caught heavy petting with one of the co-eds. The Chancellor first instructed the youth to go to confession.

Upon entering the confessional, the screened window slid open and the student entoned, "Foregive me father for I have sinned." The priest on the other side of the confessional replied, "Confess your sins, my son, and ye shall be saved."

The student wavered for a bit then said, "Ummm. I was caught with one of the choir girls, father."

The priest said, "And which girl was it, my son?"

"I can't tell you, father. I promised."

The priest thought for a moment then said, "Then I will guess and you must tell the truth, yes or no."

The student agreed and the priest said, "Was it Lucy?". The student said, "No, it wasn't her."

The priest said, "Was it Dorothy?" "No, father, it wasn't her."

The priest thought for a moment and said, "I know. It was Mary. Wasn't it?" The student shook his head and replied, "No father. It wasn't her either."

Afterwards, coming down the front stairs the Student met one of his cronies who asked, "Well. How'd it go?"

The student smiled and said, "Not bad. I got 500 Hail Marys and three new leads."

 

[edreams]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed.
You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of
marriage, Hillary never looked in the box. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid of the box and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After
dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry Bill, for all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 empty beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

 

[edreams]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack
your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Holy $hit! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says.
"Just get the hell out."

 

[edreams]

What is the difference between a Corvette and a porcupine ?





The porcupine has it's prick on the outside!

 

[Icey*Fire]

A minister gave a talk to the Lions club on sex.
When he got home, he could not tell his wife that he had spoken on sex,so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said.'yes I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried this twice, the first time he was so sore he could hadly walk, and the second time he fell off.'

 

[Ts Jack]

Joke

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan were sitting together in a bar discussing women. As the evening wore on one asked the group what they did to drive their lovers over the edge.

The Frenchman said, "I ply her with fine wine. Bathe her in scented oils, Kiss her passionately and tell how much I love her... then in the end she goes out of her mind.

The Englishman said he takes her to a fine resturaunt for a fabulous dinner. Brings her home to a bed scattered with rose petals and Champaign. "With that the love making is fabulous and she just goes bonkers!", said the Englishman.

"Aww you guys work at it much too hard," interjected the Texan. "I jump on top. Fuck the hell out of her. And after I cum, jump up and wipe my dick on the drapes. At that point she goes absolutely Nutz!"

 

[Icey*Fire]

What do you get when you cross a blonde with a postal worker??
A fluzy with an Uzi.

 

[Icey*Fire]

BUMPER STICKERS

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

Don't take life serioulsy, you won't get out alive.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Your just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: it's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.!

I need someone really bad...are you really bad?

To all you virgins...thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot...some parts are missing.

Help Wanted: Telepathy...you know where to aply.

Hang UP and Drive.

God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.

I said 'no' to drugs, but they just didn't listen.

Smile, the second best thing you can do with your lips.

 

[Daff]

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he
would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster,
named Kenny. "He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny
the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.
So he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving
the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot
of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently,
I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the
farmer said with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer
pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. - WHAM! -
Kenny nails every hen in the Hen house three or four times, and the farmer
is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny
is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by
the lake. Once again-WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny
out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and
worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find
Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are
circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful -
and expensive - animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you
to pace yourself. I Tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've
done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling
in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

 

[Daff]

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bad tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

 

[Daff]

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are
getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him
that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't
have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how to tell
when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are
pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He
comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he
has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his
Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them
all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he
wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still
standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and he
loads them into the Landrover again. He drives them out to the
woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them
back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing
round. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load
them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day
shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls exhausted
into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed
to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him
if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover and one of them
is beeping the horn."

 

[Daff]

Preacher Brown, in his Sunday sermon, used "forgive your
enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how
many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half put up
their hands.
Not satisfied he ranted and raved for another 15 minutes and
repeated his question. This time he received a response of about
80%.
Still he was not satisfied, and lectured another 20 minutes and
repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner,
all except one elderly lady in the rear responded.
"Mrs. Jones, why are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any, Preacher Brown." she announced.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
I am 93 years yound, Preacher Brown."
Preacher Brown shook his head in amazement. "Mrs. Jones,
please come down in front and tell the congreation how a person
can live for 93 years, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady slowly tottered down the aisle,
and turned around to face the congreation. "I's easy," she
announced. "I just outlived the bitches."