Jokes & Humor

[PepperTed]

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on, when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
Then he yelled "BELL 2!"
The wife jumped into bed.
Then he yelled "BELL 3!"
They began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband.
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

 

[edreams]

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/index.html

most execellent graphics on site above!

 

[sylver_penny]

For the guys

http://my.core.com/~oldgrendel/cannot_find_porn.htm

Penny

 

[Astroman]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a poop instead."

 

[PepperTed]

Subject: Old Folks
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to
get a sperm count. >

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow." >

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on
the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained: >

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my
right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still
nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her
right hand, then her
left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even
called up Arleen,
the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an
armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"


The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what we
tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

 

[edreams]

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and
bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

 

[PepperTed]

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his incredulous friend.
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take
whatever you want.' So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never fit you."

 

[Astroman]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?!"

 

[PepperTed]

glad our winters in Aussie are not like this.........

 

[Astroman]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

[edreams]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

[Icey*Fire]

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 roll of toiletpaper
1 frozen dinner
1 can of pop
1 box of cereal
The woman behind the counter says, "so you are single huh?"
The man replies very sarcastically, "why would you guess that, because I am buying 1 of everything?"
The woman replies, "no, because you are ugly."

 

[Icey*Fire]

So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"
And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

 

[Icey*Fire]

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.

 

[PepperTed]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.

So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

 

[Icey*Fire]

A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick," he replies.
To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"

 

[redrider4u]

*

 

[edreams]

Catholic Newbie Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[Icey*Fire]

Re: LOL........Kat

You have the best damn av's. They're kinda hard on us hetero types! But it beats the heck outta cutting grass or washing clothes; my duties today.

Have a great weekend!...

Thank you sweetheart glad you like it...LOL
You have a nice weekend and be careful...see you later..

 

[PepperTed]

Hope you enjoy

 

[Astroman]

Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"

"Crap," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays."

 

[Astroman]

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes." A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

He replies, "No, I'm an asshole."

 

[Astroman]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

 

[edreams]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He
bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve
beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer,
I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

..........You're gonna love this..........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

 

[carrie-on]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He
bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve
beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer,
I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

..........You're gonna love this..........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

LOL this one was funny!!