Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[CarlyAnn]

John is in a bar one night and is so drunk he throws up on his shirt. He says, “My wife is gonna kill me”.

The bartender says, “Just put a $10 bill in your pocket, tell your wife some guy puked on your shirt and gave you $10 to have it cleaned”.

John does that and goes home. His wife is upset but understands until she reaches in his pocket and says, “Wait a minute, why is this a $20 bill?”

John says, “Oh yeah, he also shit in my pants”.

 

[mugsgame]

So a guy has two buckets and goes to a farmer...

The guy says, "Hey there, sir! I heard you had some honeysuckle in your pasture. Was wondering if you'd let me go back there and grab a few buckets of honey for myself?"

Farmer says, "Well that ain't how that works, but you can try." Few hours later, the man comes back through carrying 2 buckets full-up with honey.

Couple days later, the man comes back with 2 empty buckets. "Hey farmer, I heard you got some milkweed back there...mind if I go gather some milk?"

Farmer says, "Well, that ain't how that works, but you can go try." Few hours later, the man walks back through carrying 2 buckets of milk. Farmer thinks, "Well, I be danged!"

About a week later, the man comes back to the Farmer and says, "Sir, I heard you had some pussywillow back there behind your house, and--"

The Farmer cuts the man off mid-sentence and says, "OH, NOT THIS TIME! I'M COMIN WITH YA!"

 

[mugsgame]

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish. She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet.

As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole.

Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole.

Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!". She jumped off her stool and looked all around her.

She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"

The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

[mugsgame]

You don't wanna mess with me...

A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer. When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "Let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table.

The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle."

All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle.

Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "And who the hell are you?"

"Rich."

 

[mugsgame]

A man hitches a ride with a trucker. Oddly enough, a monkey is seated in between the two of them.

After about 5 minutes of small talk, the hitchhiker finally felt comfortable enough to ask:

"So, what's with the monkey?"

"Watch this..." said the trucker.

He then smacked the monkey on the forehead. The monkey immediately unzipped the truckers pants, gave the trucker a blow job, zipped the truckers pants back up, and got back in his seat.

"Wow that looks amazing!" exclaimed the hitchhiker.

"Do you wanna give it a try?" said the trucker.

The hitchhiker paused...

"Absolutely, just please don't hit me as hard as you hit the monkey."

 

[12oclocktales]

A zebra from Africa is shipped to a zoo, but the zoo has no room for it at the time so the zebra is sent to a stock farm. He wanders around talking to the other animals, asking how they like the place and what they do there. The chickens say they lay eggs, the pigs admit they’re being fattened up for pork and bacon, etc.

The zebra sees a big red bull and asks, “And what do you do here?”

“Take off those silly striped pajamas,” says the bull, “and I’ll fucking show you what I do!”

 

[Diver469]

Two sperm are swimming side by side. One sperm say “ This is taking forever, how long to the fallopian tubes?” The other sperm replies “I’m not sure. We just passed the esophagus. “

 

[mugsgame]

When I was a kid in school our teacher gave us a spelling game. We would draw a letter out of a box, think of a word, spell it then put it into a sentence. She went around the class and started to get really nervous. Then she came to the last kid, Johnny we'll call him, and she was positively petrified. I worked out later that the only letters that were likely left were "F", "C" and "G". Unfortunately, Johnny had a real problem with his language.

Johnny reached in the box and pulled out a letter, Miss was definitely sweating, and he said "G!" Well, Miss heaved a sigh of relief and said "Very good Johnny, now think of a word!"

Johnny thought a moment and said, "Gnomes!"

Well, Miss was really pleased, a smile plastered all over her face, "Oh excellent, Johnny, now, please, spell it."

"Erm.. G ...and ...n and ...o and ...m and ...e and ...s"

"Excellent spelling Johnny! Note class, that the word Gnomes has a silent "G" at the start," she was beaming at this point. "Now, please, put the word in a sentence!"

Johnny thought for a moment then said "Gnomes are the little fellahs that fuck fairies!"

 

[mugsgame]

What do women say both after sex and at a funeral?

I thought he'd last longer...

 

[mugsgame]

So now, I'm, Just Fred

A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Rock Springs, Wyoming. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....

 

[wildtaz1968]

a man comes home and finds his sister fucking herself with a carrot
fuck he says i was going to eat that,but now it will taste like carrot

 

[mugsgame]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up... Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

 

[mugsgame]

Christmas was coming, so Little Johnny's mom and dad took him to the mall to see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa's lap.

"Santa, for Christmas I want a goddamn baseball bat and I want it to be put under my fucking bed. I want a goddamn baseball glove and want it put under the goddamn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a fucking bike and I want it put under a goddamn tarp in the fucking shed."

Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny's parents aside and said, "In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth." His parents replied, "We know! But we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We've tried everything."

Santa thought for a minute, then said "Here's what well do to teach him a lesson. Every place that Johnny asked for a present, we'll put a pile of poop." The parents agreed to try Santa's plan.

On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard.

After a while, his parents asked him sarcastically, "So Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?"

Without missing a beat, Little Johnny looked at his parents and said "I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can't find the motherfucker!"

 

[Britva415]

The city-slicker owner of a summer property on the coast, not far from his in-laws' place, returns for the season and asks the caretaker what news there is from when he was away.

"Nothin' much."

"No? It was a quiet year, then?"

"Oh, well, your dog died."

"My dog died! I'd say that's news! How did it happen?"

"It was that burnt horse flesh."

"Burnt horse flesh? What in the world are you talking about?"

"Well, when your barn burnt down, the dog got into all that burnt horse flesh and I guess it killed him."

"The stable burned down too!?"

"Yeah. The fire spread from the house."

"Why was the house on fire?"

"Candle at your mother-in-law's wake fell over."

"Dinah's dead and the house is gone too!?"

"Yup. It were a heart attack from the shock of finding your wife with the pool boy. But other than that, there's really no news."

 

[CLK5002005]

For all those people who complain about the Amazon Alexa device and how it listens to everything…they’re introducing a male version that’s safer and won’t listen to anything.

 

[Britva415]

For all those people who complain about the Amazon Alexa device and how it listens to anything and everything that’s said…they’re introducing a male version that’s safer and won’t listen to anything.

"Alex, take out the trash."

 

[jwynncap]

Two friends are camping. One goes into the brush to take a dump and suddenly yells out that he's been bitten on the dick by a snake. The other friend says "Hold on, I'll call a doctor". He calls the doctor who tells him that he had to make a small incision at the point of the bite and suck the venom out. The friend asks what will happen is he doesn't do that to which the doctor says, "well, then your friend is going to die". The friend hangs up the phone and the friend with the bite asks what the doctor said. His friend tells him, "The doctor said you're going to die"

 

[ef_oh_ex]

Two young guys were talking:
G1: I think my girl is cheating on me !
G2: Why do you think that?
G1: His name was written in yellow, in the snow !
G2: so what?!
G1: It was her handwriting !!

 

[6thickinches]

When I was a kid in school our teacher gave us a spelling game. We would draw a letter out of a box, think of a word, spell it then put it into a sentence. She went around the class and started to get really nervous. Then she came to the last kid, Johnny we'll call him, and she was positively petrified. I worked out later that the only letters that were likely left were "F", "C" and "G". Unfortunately, Johnny had a real problem with his language.

Johnny reached in the box and pulled out a letter, Miss was definitely sweating, and he said "G!" Well, Miss heaved a sigh of relief and said "Very good Johnny, now think of a word!"

Johnny thought a moment and said, "Gnomes!"

Well, Miss was really pleased, a smile plastered all over her face, "Oh excellent, Johnny, now, please, spell it."

"Erm.. G ...and ...n and ...o and ...m and ...e and ...s"

"Excellent spelling Johnny! Note class, that the word Gnomes has a silent "G" at the start," she was beaming at this point. "Now, please, put the word in a sentence!"

Johnny thought for a moment then said "Gnomes are the little fellahs that fuck fairies!"

The next day, the teacher went through the same exercise with the class. Johnny got an "R" this time and the teacher relaxed, since she couldn't think of anything dangerous starting with "R". Until Johnny said, "Rats! Big Motherfucking rats! Big motherfucking rats with cocks 10" long!"

 

[12oclocktales]

Q. How are men and snowstorms alike?

A. You never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last.

 

[mugsgame]

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class.

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll have to learn how to write with your other hand then..."

 

[SubzeroGirl]

Santa comes down a chimney one Christmas Eve and to his surprise finds a gorgeous brunette waiting for him, wearing the sexiest lingerie imaginable.


“Santa,” she purrs, “Can you stay for a while?”

Santa says, “Ho, ho ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!”

She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, “Santa, don’t you have a gift you would like to give me?”

Santa says, “Ho, ho, ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!”

The brunette takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, “Santa, are you sure there’s no gift you’d like to leave?”

Santa says, “Hey hey hey, might as well stay. I can’t get up the chimney this way!”

 

[SubzeroGirl]

“Hello?”

“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, daddy says
“but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause.

“Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down and run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled up.”

“Ok daddy just a min.”

A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it daddy.”

“And what happened honey?”

“Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked and ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!”

“OMG!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn’t know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I think he's dead!”

Real long pause.

Then daddy says,
“Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?”

Lil girl says
“No I think you have the wrong number”

 

[mortis]

A little girl falls into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her under the eyes of screaming parents. A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".The journalist leaves.The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.

 

[Diver469]

John and his boss are talking one day.
John - You’ll never believe this, but I know everyone.
Boss - You don’t know everyone. That’s impossible.
John - I sure do. Test me.
Boss - Okay, Tom Cruise.
John - Shit I’ve know Tom for ages. Let’s go.

They get on a plane and then head to Tom Cruise’s house. They both walk to the door and knock. Tom answers. He sees John. “Holy shit. John I haven’t seen you in forever. Bring your friend in, let’s have a beer.

They finish the beers and leave. John’s boss thinks this must have been a crazy coincidence, and says so to John. John tells him to name someone else. “Barrack Obama.” His boss exclaims, believing he has John stumped. ”Barrack and I go way back. I’ll prove it.”

Another flight and John and his boss are walking up a long driveway. As they approach the house, the secret service steps out of the front door with the former president. They move to intercept until Obama says, “John! How long as it been? I’m sorry I can’t stay and catch up, but I have a fund raiser to get to. Give me a call tomorrow. Don’t be a stranger.”

Now John’s boss is reeling. “This is impossible.” He thinks to himself. He says, “Okay you bastard, there is absolutely no way you know the pope.” John just sighs. ”Okay, let’s go to Rome.”

They get to the Vatican and are standing in St. Peter’s Square. John says, “There is no way he’s going to know I’m here. Tell you what, you stay here, I’ll go find him and we’ll step out on the balcony.” John walks off. A few minutes later John is standing with the pope on the balcony. John tells the pope goodbye and goes to find his boss. When he gets the square his boss is lying on the ground and paramedics are tending to him.

”What happened?“

The paramedics says, “It looks like he had a heart attack.”

His boss opens his eyes and says, “I couldn’t handle. I was standing in the square and you stepped out on the balcony. The guy next to me said ’Who the fuck is that with John?’