How do you define when your in love?? When she smack you on the ass & says your in love
Elmo_Lincoln
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So, apparently, RSVPing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' is not the correct response.
ccs29745
Shady's guy
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Rolling on the floor with that one. Lol
mfrost9023
Experienced
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What is the difference between joke and comedy?
You are a joke and whatever you do is comedy
You are a joke and whatever you do is comedy
mugsgame
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A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot...
Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic. In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: “God, please, help me out here. I’ll do anything… I’ll quit smoking. I’ll stop drinking. I’ll donate money to charity.”
As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space.
The man holds up his hand, and goes: “Never mind, I found one.”
Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic. In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: “God, please, help me out here. I’ll do anything… I’ll quit smoking. I’ll stop drinking. I’ll donate money to charity.”
As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space.
The man holds up his hand, and goes: “Never mind, I found one.”
mugsgame
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Bob and his wife decided on go on a diet
After weeks of strictly sticking to their diet, Bob's wife suggested a cheat day.
She brought home a large pizza, a box of donuts and some chicken wings.
Bob brought home a hot blonde with big tits.
From his hospital bed, Bob thought about how men will never understand women.
After weeks of strictly sticking to their diet, Bob's wife suggested a cheat day.
She brought home a large pizza, a box of donuts and some chicken wings.
Bob brought home a hot blonde with big tits.
From his hospital bed, Bob thought about how men will never understand women.
Wetkitty09
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The poets E. E. Cummings and Edger Allen Poe both died on the same day.
They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates and Pete says that heaven only has room for one more poet. He then tells the that they will be returned to earth for one week and whichever of them writes the better poem using the word Timbuktu in it in that time will be allowed access to heaven.
E. E. Cummings being a man of culture comes back to heaven in a day and tells St. Peter this poem.
“The grass is green, the sky is blue in the land of Timbuktu.”
St. Pete was happy with that poem and lets E. E. Cummings in the gate to wait for Poe.
Now everyone knows Poe was a partier. He spent the week going from one going away bash after another. At the end of his week on earth he makes his way to the pearly gates. He’s disheveled, hungover and smelling of absinthe.
Peter looks at Poe and asks him what his poem is.
Poe says “ Tim and I a walk did take through the woods and by the lake.
Upon the shore we did spy three young maidens in the rye.
As they were three and we but two, I bucked one while Timbuktu.
They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates and Pete says that heaven only has room for one more poet. He then tells the that they will be returned to earth for one week and whichever of them writes the better poem using the word Timbuktu in it in that time will be allowed access to heaven.
E. E. Cummings being a man of culture comes back to heaven in a day and tells St. Peter this poem.
“The grass is green, the sky is blue in the land of Timbuktu.”
St. Pete was happy with that poem and lets E. E. Cummings in the gate to wait for Poe.
Now everyone knows Poe was a partier. He spent the week going from one going away bash after another. At the end of his week on earth he makes his way to the pearly gates. He’s disheveled, hungover and smelling of absinthe.
Peter looks at Poe and asks him what his poem is.
Poe says “ Tim and I a walk did take through the woods and by the lake.
Upon the shore we did spy three young maidens in the rye.
As they were three and we but two, I bucked one while Timbuktu.
Wetkitty09
Virgin! AGAIN!!
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Chicken butt?
Wetkitty09
Virgin! AGAIN!!
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I’ve read this whole thread thus far and it’s been a gut buster at times.
Elmo_Lincoln
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A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure it out or how to get started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is is supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help her with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice up of hot chocolate and then..." he sighed, "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box.
Her boyfriend asked, "What is is supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help her with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice up of hot chocolate and then..." he sighed, "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box.
mugsgame
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A guy is on a date with a girl...
They are sitting on a bench in the park, and he puts his hand on her knee. He says "I really like you."
She looks down at his hand on her knee, glances at her crotch, smirks, and seductively says "Higher."
He replies in his best Mickey Mouse voice "I really like you!"
They are sitting on a bench in the park, and he puts his hand on her knee. He says "I really like you."
She looks down at his hand on her knee, glances at her crotch, smirks, and seductively says "Higher."
He replies in his best Mickey Mouse voice "I really like you!"
ALovelyNudist
Passionate Nudist
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Why should you not buy women watches?
Because there’s a clock on the stove!
Because there’s a clock on the stove!
mugsgame
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A woman (W) is asking psychologist (P) for advice about her sex life…
W: “Doctor, I have a serious problem. Whenever I go on a first date, it always ends up with me having sex with the guy the same night. I just can’t say No. Then I feel like such a slut, and it really weighs heavily on me. Can you help?”
P: “Yes, of course. I’m going to put you under hypnosis, and when you come out of it, you’ll be able to say No.”
W: “Saying No is not actually the problem. I just need you to do something that I don’t feel like a slut afterwards.”
W: “Doctor, I have a serious problem. Whenever I go on a first date, it always ends up with me having sex with the guy the same night. I just can’t say No. Then I feel like such a slut, and it really weighs heavily on me. Can you help?”
P: “Yes, of course. I’m going to put you under hypnosis, and when you come out of it, you’ll be able to say No.”
W: “Saying No is not actually the problem. I just need you to do something that I don’t feel like a slut afterwards.”
mugsgame
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Three dogs are in the waiting room, getting ready to see the vet. They start comparing notes to see why they are all there.
The first dog, a bull terrier, says “Well, it’s my owner’s fault. He left me with his kids, and they were pulling my tail and poking me and just winding me up and up until I… I just couldn’t help myself… and I bit one of them. So, it’s going to be goodbye from me; I’m here to be put down…”
“Aw, man, that’s awful!” says the second dog, a French poodle. “I’ve also got a story. My owner went away for a weekend, and decided to just leave out all of the food for me at once. Just loads of it. It was rich, and tasty, and… I just couldn’t help myself… I ate and ate until I was sick all over their nice white furniture. So, it’s a goodbye from me too; I’m also here to be put down…”
“That’s horrible!” says the third dog, a Great Dane. “But, I’ll let you know why I’m here. It was just the other day, and my owner had been in the shower. She came out, all wet, wrapped in a towel. And she came into the bedroom, bent over to get something, and her towel slipped off. And… seeing her like that… all bent over… I just… I just couldn’t help myself…”
“Oh no!” say the other dogs. “So, you are here to be put down too?”
“Nah, I’m just here to have my claws clipped…”
The first dog, a bull terrier, says “Well, it’s my owner’s fault. He left me with his kids, and they were pulling my tail and poking me and just winding me up and up until I… I just couldn’t help myself… and I bit one of them. So, it’s going to be goodbye from me; I’m here to be put down…”
“Aw, man, that’s awful!” says the second dog, a French poodle. “I’ve also got a story. My owner went away for a weekend, and decided to just leave out all of the food for me at once. Just loads of it. It was rich, and tasty, and… I just couldn’t help myself… I ate and ate until I was sick all over their nice white furniture. So, it’s a goodbye from me too; I’m also here to be put down…”
“That’s horrible!” says the third dog, a Great Dane. “But, I’ll let you know why I’m here. It was just the other day, and my owner had been in the shower. She came out, all wet, wrapped in a towel. And she came into the bedroom, bent over to get something, and her towel slipped off. And… seeing her like that… all bent over… I just… I just couldn’t help myself…”
“Oh no!” say the other dogs. “So, you are here to be put down too?”
“Nah, I’m just here to have my claws clipped…”
mugsgame
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Little Johnny was late for school...
...but he was a tough kid, riding his bike like the wind, jumping it over curbs and potholes. At the apex of a huge jump his seat fell loose. But Johnny didn't notice, and slammed himself down on the seat post, experiencing the worst pain of his life.
When he staggered into class, the teacher asked why he was late.
Johnny said, "My bike just stabbed me IN THE ASS!!!"
The teacher shook her head and chided him: "Rectum, Johnny, rectum!"
"Wrecked 'em? Hell, it about tore 'em right off!!!"
...but he was a tough kid, riding his bike like the wind, jumping it over curbs and potholes. At the apex of a huge jump his seat fell loose. But Johnny didn't notice, and slammed himself down on the seat post, experiencing the worst pain of his life.
When he staggered into class, the teacher asked why he was late.
Johnny said, "My bike just stabbed me IN THE ASS!!!"
The teacher shook her head and chided him: "Rectum, Johnny, rectum!"
"Wrecked 'em? Hell, it about tore 'em right off!!!"
mugsgame
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A woman buys her husband a scale to help him with his new diet. A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out 'cause of this new diet I'm on!"
The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?"
And the husband says, "... Yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."
The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?"
And the husband says, "... Yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."
Elmo_Lincoln
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Johnny slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Johnny what's wrong.
"Well," replies Johnny, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Johnny, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Johnny, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Johnny, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Johnny slumps back over the bar again.
"I kicked her in the face."
"Well," replies Johnny, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Johnny, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Johnny, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Johnny, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Johnny slumps back over the bar again.
"I kicked her in the face."
Elmo_Lincoln
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An older husband and his trophy wife are on a hike when the sun starts to go down.
Husband: Don’t you think we should turn back?
Wife: Don’t worry I have a flashlight. Just a little further.
It starts to get darker as they enter an isolated swampy part of woods with gnarled trees and distant lighting. Then the flashlight goes out.
Husband: Th-th-this is getting creepy.
Wife: You think this is scary? I have to walk out of here alone!
Husband: Don’t you think we should turn back?
Wife: Don’t worry I have a flashlight. Just a little further.
It starts to get darker as they enter an isolated swampy part of woods with gnarled trees and distant lighting. Then the flashlight goes out.
Husband: Th-th-this is getting creepy.
Wife: You think this is scary? I have to walk out of here alone!
SensualKat78
Open minded
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What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it!
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it!
Elmo_Lincoln
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Proctologist walks into a bank. He pulls his checkbook out of his coat pocket. He reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out... a rectal thermometer. He thinks for a while, then slaps his forehead and mutters to himself: "SHOOT! Some asshole has my pen."
Elmo_Lincoln
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Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.
mugsgame
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Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job, and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one question.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba said, "Why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down: "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
A Yankee applied for the same job, and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one question.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba said, "Why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down: "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
mugsgame
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Three sorority sisters meet for brunch 20 years after graduation.
The waiter asks, “What will you have today?”
“White wine, and a salad.” “White wine and a salad, also.” “White wine! And a salad!”
The conversation starts and Amanda says, “Why don’t you tell us a little about your life, Stacey?”
Stacey says, “It’s amazing! I’m married to an international businessman and we travel all over the world in our own 747! We have a home in Paris, we have a home in Palm Springs, we take our yacht to Saint-Tropez. Last week we were with the Kardsashians and I think Kim is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met! What about you, Stacey?”
“Well, much like you, Amanda. I’m married to an international heart surgeon and we travel the world in our 747. We have a home in London, a home in Miami, and I shop on Rodeo Drive. Last week we were with the Obamas and I think Michelle is the sweetest person I’ve ever met!”
And there sat Hilda. “What about you girl, what’s your life been like?”
“Well nothing like yours. I just married old Joe Jones out of college and we live in a really nice double-wide just out of town. He cuts meat down at the grocery store and we went to Six Flags last year and the kids were really excited about that.”
“Hilda, what happened? You were everything in college! You were the cheerleading captain, you dated the quarterback of the football team - isn’t there anything extraordinary about your life?”
“The only thing I can think of is that when Joe gets sexually aroused and has an erection [Hilda lifts a finger and points with her other hand] we can put 13 parrots on there, like this.”
Amanda wrinkled her brow, looked over her glasses and said, “How many?” “13 parrots.”
Hmm.
They keep drinking white wine and talking and the truth starts to come out. Stacey says, “Guys I got to level with you. I lied earlier. My husband isn’t an international businessman, he’s a real estate agent and we live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We got to go to Dollywood last years and the kids were real excited about that.”
Amanda said, “Guys, I lied, too. My husband isn’t a heart surgeon, he sells insurance where we live, in Topeka, Kansas. We went to Branson last year on vacation and that was kind of fun.”
Stacey said, “Hilda, thank you for being so honest with us earlier, but is there ANYTHING you might have exaggerated about your life?”
Hilda said, “Well, sometimes, [points at tip of finger] when we put that 13th parrot right there on the end, it has to flap its wings to stay on!”
The waiter asks, “What will you have today?”
“White wine, and a salad.” “White wine and a salad, also.” “White wine! And a salad!”
The conversation starts and Amanda says, “Why don’t you tell us a little about your life, Stacey?”
Stacey says, “It’s amazing! I’m married to an international businessman and we travel all over the world in our own 747! We have a home in Paris, we have a home in Palm Springs, we take our yacht to Saint-Tropez. Last week we were with the Kardsashians and I think Kim is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met! What about you, Stacey?”
“Well, much like you, Amanda. I’m married to an international heart surgeon and we travel the world in our 747. We have a home in London, a home in Miami, and I shop on Rodeo Drive. Last week we were with the Obamas and I think Michelle is the sweetest person I’ve ever met!”
And there sat Hilda. “What about you girl, what’s your life been like?”
“Well nothing like yours. I just married old Joe Jones out of college and we live in a really nice double-wide just out of town. He cuts meat down at the grocery store and we went to Six Flags last year and the kids were really excited about that.”
“Hilda, what happened? You were everything in college! You were the cheerleading captain, you dated the quarterback of the football team - isn’t there anything extraordinary about your life?”
“The only thing I can think of is that when Joe gets sexually aroused and has an erection [Hilda lifts a finger and points with her other hand] we can put 13 parrots on there, like this.”
Amanda wrinkled her brow, looked over her glasses and said, “How many?” “13 parrots.”
Hmm.
They keep drinking white wine and talking and the truth starts to come out. Stacey says, “Guys I got to level with you. I lied earlier. My husband isn’t an international businessman, he’s a real estate agent and we live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We got to go to Dollywood last years and the kids were real excited about that.”
Amanda said, “Guys, I lied, too. My husband isn’t a heart surgeon, he sells insurance where we live, in Topeka, Kansas. We went to Branson last year on vacation and that was kind of fun.”
Stacey said, “Hilda, thank you for being so honest with us earlier, but is there ANYTHING you might have exaggerated about your life?”
Hilda said, “Well, sometimes, [points at tip of finger] when we put that 13th parrot right there on the end, it has to flap its wings to stay on!”
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