Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm.

They gathered at 2 pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

 

[mugsgame]

Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

 

[mugsgame]

I've Fallen!

In a small town out west, an old priest became tired of listening to all the details when parishioners would confess that they had committed adultery. So he asked everyone to simply say “I’ve Fallen” during confession. This code word worked well for many years.

Eventually the priest retired and was replaced with a new priest. During his first week, the new priest started to get concerned when everyone was complaining about falling down. So the priest went to the town mayor and suggested to get the sidewalks fixed so people would stop falling.

The mayor now realizing that the new priest doesn't know about the code word, starts laughing.

The new priest is confused and says “I don’t know why you’re laughing because your wife fell three times this week.”

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Speaking of falling, an old Henny YOungman joke

A man falls out of a building. He's lying an the sidewalk, broken and bleeding.
A cop approaches and asks, "What happened?"

"I don't know, I just got here."

 

[mugsgame]

Assumptions can really bite you in the butt...

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my hot boss, Pam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Pam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Pam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Pam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.

After arriving at her house, Pam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there ....

on the sofa ....

butt naked.

 

[mugsgame]

A woman called the police. When they arrived she reported that she was raped by a Texan. The police thought that this was strangely specific and decided to also more questions. They asked if she saw the perpetrator’s face.

She said “No, he was wearing a mask but he was definitely Texan.” They then asked if she could describe what he was wearing.

She said “it was dark, I couldn’t see but he was definitely Texan”.

Perplexed they said “If you didn’t see anything how do you know he was from Texas?”

She replied “He had an 8 inch belt buckle and a 4 inch dick. Definitely from Texas.”

 

[mugsgame]

A Texan is visiting his friend in Sydney, they go out sightseeing.

The Australian shows him the harbor bridge and the Texan says “Back in Texas we could build a bridge like that in 2 weeks.”

The Australian then shows him St Mary’s cathedral and the Texan says “Back home we could throw up a building like that in maybe a week!”

Frustrated, the Australian takes him to the Sydney Opera House.

“Wow,” says the Texan. “What’s that?”

“No idea, mate” says the Aussie, “It wasn’t there yesterday!”

 

[RachelPost]

A man is speeding down the highway and passes a state trooper. The trooper pulls out and puts on his lights and siren. After a couple of miles, the man finally pulls over. The trooper says, "Look it's Friday, my shift ends in 10 minutes. If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I will let you go. If not, you're in big trouble.

The man thinks for a minute and tells the trooper, "My wife ran off with a state trooper and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

Trooper says, "Have a good day."

 

[Biggalute]

I just got an organ donor card but I haven't signed it.
I want someone else to be able to use it after my death

 

[12oclocktales]

A guy has an erection for three days and no matter what he does he can’t get it to go down. So he goes into a pharmacy and explains his problem to the pretty woman behind the counter.

“What can you give me for it?” he asks.

She walks to the end of the counter and back again, deep in thought, and says, “$1,000 dollars, it’s all the money I have.”

 

[mugsgame]

A man is on a plane when the pilot announces that the plane will be cruising at 35000 feet but forgets to turn the mic off.

He turns to the co-pilot and says "You know I could really go for a blowjob and a cup of coffee."

One of the stewardess's comes rushing up up to the cabin to tell the pilot to turn the mic off when a passenger yells; "Hey honey, don't forget the coffee!"

 

[DoctorSmith8]

Q: What's the advantage of being a test tube baby?

A: You get a womb with a view.

 

[likitisplit]

what did one tampon say to the other?






nothing...they were both stuck up cunts.

 

[Britva415]

What's the speed limit on Route 69?

@likitisplit

 

[mugsgame]

Private Eye

A recently married woman, a bit suspicious of her husband, hired a private detective to follow him.

After a week, the detective reported that he had tracked her husband in to four bars and a bachelor's apartment.

"Aha," she exclaimed, "I knew that skunk was cheating on me. Go on, what was he doing in those places?"

Embarrassed, and with a halting voice, the detective said, "Ma'am, he was trailing you."

 

[mugsgame]

A dad walks past his Son's room

He notices the room is super clean, the beds well kept and everything looks organized. A bit suspicious he looks inside and finds a letter on the study table marked just DAD.

With trembling hands he opens the letter and it reads "Dad, I have run away with Tracey. I know she is 30 years older than me but I love her. We had to elope as she became pregnant ,and she told me it's my child. Didn't have enough money so stole some from your wallet. We will live in the woods where she has a trailer and where we will be growing Marijuana and bartering it with cocaine and other drugs with the community there. Once we have enough money we can start treatment for her AIDS. We plan of having many children and we will visit you each year.

Hey, don't worry! I was just kidding around. I'm hanging out at Tim's place right now. I just wanted to say there are scarier things than my report card, which is over on the other table if you want to check it out. Once you're feeling calm, give me a call, and I'll head back home."

Your Son

 

[Elmo_Lincoln]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his willy into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed to talk about it. He vowed to overcome his compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home early. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I had told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my willy into the pickle slicer?" he said.

"Oh, Bill, you didn't," his wife said.

"Yes, I did," Bill replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?" his wife asked.

"I got fired," Bill answered.

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" his wife asked.

Bill said, "Oh... she got fired, too!"

 

[mugsgame]

A guy goes to a brothel. The madame meets him at the door and asks if she can help him, he tells her it's been a while and he needs to get some relief. The madame takes him in to meet the girls, one asked him what he had, so he dropped his pants and reveals. 2" dick with 'Shortys' tattooed on it.

One girl in the back giggled and said she hasn't got any business in a while so she would take him. 2 hours later, she came back down stairs looking like she was in a war. Hair a mess, clothes falling off of her, walking like she was spent.

The madame ran over and asked what the hell did he do to you?

"Nothing" she said, "But when we were down here it said Shortys, upstairs it said "Shortys Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee."

 

[mugsgame]

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman....they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker." She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.

The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his dick while he's asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.

The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you're sleeping?"

The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."

 

[mugsgame]

A Prostitute visits the Doctor.

Prostitute: "Doc I think that I am pregnant."

Doctor: "Do you know who the father is?"

Prostitute: "Oh! For fuck's sake, if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

 

[12oclocktales]

A young man tries repeatedly to get his sweetheart to have sex with him, but she steadfastly refuses until they are married. Finally they’re wed, and after making love on their wedding night, he admits to her that, “Yes, you were smart not to have sex with me before tonight – I might never have married you if you had.”

“Don’t I know it,” she tells him. “That’s the way the last five guys fooled me.”

 

[Elmo_Lincoln]

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visited a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asked the wife, "What's the problem?"

She responded, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turned to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replied, "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me. I'm fine."

 

[mugsgame]

A priest is sitting next to a drunk on a bus

On a bus, a Christian priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read the newspaper.

Suddenly, in a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest: "Do you know what arthritis is?"

The priest thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful living: excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."

The drunk looked unsatisfied and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, asked the drunk: "How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis. It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

 

[crazychemgirl]

@Bry1313 walked into a bar,


“Ouch”

 

[mugsgame]

A teacher says to Little Johnny "If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny says "Seven."

Teacher says "No, listen carefully. If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny again says "Seven."

Teacher says "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny says "Six."

Teacher says "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny says "Seven!!"

Teacher says "Johnny! Why do you keep saying seven?!"

Johnny says "Because I'VE ALREADY GOT A FUCKING CAT!"