Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

An old lady having a drink at a bar says "I’ll have sex with the first person who can guess what I have in my clenched fist."

The first guy says "A giraffe."

"Close enough!" she responds.

 

[Matt12191982]

Rockefeller dies. He's standing in line at the pearly gates. One newcomer wants to enter the kingdom. St. Peter asks,
"What did you do for others?"
"I was a great teacher and helped kids"
"Ok, you may enter"... and this goes on.

Then Rockefeller is up.... St. Peter asks, "What did YOU do for people?"
"I once gave three homeless men a dime" (which I believe would remove their incentive)

God intervenes and says, "Give him 30 cents and tell him to go to Hell"

 

[Biggalute]

What do you call a fella with no arms or legs who swims the English Channel?


Clever Dick, boom boom

 

[Matt12191982]

Saddam Hussein, Taha Yassin Ramadan and Tariq Aziz are lounging on the balcony of one of Saddam's palaces when a flock of geese flies over. "Ramadan, shoot the geese," Saddam says. The vice president lifts his AK-47 and empties a clip into the sky, but doesn't hit a single goose. "You try, Tariq," Saddam says. The deputy prime minister fires and misses as well. "Damn, I have to do everything around here," Saddam says. He fires five rounds in the air. None of the birds fall. There's an awkward silence. Then Tariq Aziz points at the receding flock and says, "My God, would you look at that! Dead birds flying!"

 

[mugsgame]

A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey.

He takes a sip and then spits it out.

"I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."

The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.

"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"

The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:

"This one's on the house."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.

"This tastes like piss!"

"Now tell me, how old am I?"

 

[mugsgame]

Did you hear about the Minnesota Iron Ranger that took a bus to Duluth?

He got on the bus and asked the driver "Does dis bus go toot daloot?"

Driver says" No, this bus go beep, beep!"

 

[mugsgame]

Me: "What’s the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?"

Buddy: "I don’t know…"

Me: "So it was you!"

 

[mugsgame]

A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.

Officer: "Ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving."

Woman: "25 mph."

Officer: "Why were you driving so slow?"

Woman: "Slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed."

Officer: "That's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please."

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.

Officer: "Are you okay? what's the problem?"

Passenger: "We just got off the US-160."

 

[mugsgame]

The Fertile 70yr old man.

A 70-year-old married a 20-year-old. A year after the wedding the couple arrives at the delivery room. A male boy weighing 3.5 kg was born, healthy and beautiful.

The nurse asks the old man "Yours?"

"Yes," the old man replies proudly.

"Congratulations," the nurse replies.

"Well…" says the old man, "the old engine still runs!"

Two years later the duo arrives at the delivery room again. A 3.5 kg girl was born, healthy and beautiful.

The same nurse again asks the old man: "Yours?"

"Yes" the old man answers.

"Well done" the nurse answers.

"The engine still runs!" said the old man.

After two more years, they come to the delivery room again. A 3.5-year-old male son is born, healthy and beautiful.

The same nurse asks the old man: "Yours?"

"Yes," the old man replies.

"Congratulations," the nurse says, "that’s really impressive."

"Well…" says the old man, "the engine is STILL running!"

"Well… says the nurse, "You may want to change the oil, the last one came out black."

 

[mugsgame]

Putting a stop to Church gossip.

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny the accusation. Instead, he said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night.

 

[mugsgame]

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!"

She was watching our wedding video again.

 

[ccs29745]

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!"

She was watching our wedding video again.

Damn

 

[Northernlands]

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

 

[jbeardo1]

You don't know the difference between jam and marmalade??


Well it's easy, you ever hear someone moan " yea that's it marmalade that in me deep n hard" during sex?!

 

[ALovelyNudist]

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

 

[mugsgame]

A man has a serious car crash.

And wakes up in hospital. The doctor tells him during the crash he had his dick completely severed off but luckily the hospital he's in is the world's foremost at dick transplants.

The Dr tells him he can have a small one for £3000, a medium one for £6000 or a massive one for £12,000.

The man replies that he needs to talk to his wife since it'll affect her to.

The next day the Dr comes by asking if he and his wife had come to a decision.

To which the man says "Yes we have. We've decided to get a new kitchen."

 

[mugsgame]

After a night of drinking together, my wife told me she wanted to do something crazy and have sex in the backseat of the car.

I got excited until she asked if I could drive.

 

[mugsgame]

Men are like a good hardwood floor.

If you lay them really well, you can walk on them for 40 years.

 

[mugsgame]

Johnny wants to try new things

So Johnny goes to see his friend Jenny and tells her he will give her 20$, if she let him put his finger in her belly button but only under bed-sheets, so it's not awkward.

Since Jenny is short on cash, she agrees to the request. She invites Johnny to her house and they both get into bed.

After a few minutes, Jenny is confused so she asks Johnny: "Wait, Johnny, this isn't my belly button..."

"Well, it's not my finger either."

 

[mugsgame]

My wife found all the letters I was hiding in my drawer and she knew I had been cheating.

She said she would never play Scrabble with me again.

 

[mugsgame]

I never realized how racist my family was until I introduced them to my new, Asian girlfriend.

My parents were angry, my kids were upset and my wife hasn’t spoken to me since!

 

[mugsgame]

What do you do for a living?

I hunt and kill aliens.

What?! Aliens don’t exist!

Have you ever seen one?

No.

You are fucking welcome!

 

[mugsgame]

Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior - there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Junior.

“NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside. “Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.”

“But, we’s privates,” says Junior.

"You blind, boy!” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.” Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!”

“Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.” Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!"

 

[mugsgame]

Found out two things today

1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting.

2) The staff at McDonald's are quite narrow minded.

 

[mugsgame]

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put up a sign outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000, so, he went to the clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."