Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[Britva415]

A priest is sitting next to a drunk on a bus

On a bus, a Christian priest sat next to a drunk

"stop me if you've heard this one"

 

[mugsgame]

Proof that weed is better than alcohol.

Five drunk guys will start a fight.

Five stoned guys will start a band.

 

[mugsgame]

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

 

[mugsgame]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of university, "what starting salary are you expecting?"

The engineer replies, "$200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer says, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, full medical and dental, gym membership, all meals provided and a Lamborghini company car to use?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow, are you kidding?!"

The interviewer says, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

[mugsgame]

A blond woman was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.

She was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”

“That’s all right!” said the woman. “I can’t swim!”

 

[12oclocktales]

A blond woman was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.

She was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”

“That’s all right!” said the woman. “I can’t swim!”

Groucho lives!!

 

[Shady_nz]

A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.

 

[CuriousGuy62]

Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

 

[CuriousGuy62]

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and I hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." the man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole". "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

 

[mortis]

Bump this back up we need some good old fashioned jokes.

Baptizing in the Spirit
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

 

[AZPops]

Guess What?

 

[djole_i_mira]

A guy goes to a brothel. The madame meets him at the door and asks if she can help him, he tells her it's been a while and he needs to get some relief. The madame takes him in to meet the girls, one asked him what he had, so he dropped his pants and reveals. 2" dick with 'Shortys' tattooed on it.

One girl in the back giggled and said she hasn't got any business in a while so she would take him. 2 hours later, she came back down stairs looking like she was in a war. Hair a mess, clothes falling off of her, walking like she was spent.

The madame ran over and asked what the hell did he do to you?

"Nothing" she said, "But when we were down here it said Shortys, upstairs it said "Shortys Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee"

This was only the first part of the story and I feel the need to inform everybody on how it all ended.


So after having a nice time at the brothel, the guy gets in his car and heads home and wakes up in a hospital.

The nurse is taking care of his wounds and greets him as he regains his consciousness.

"Where am I? What happened?" He asks as he tries to move and notices that he is in a full body cast.

"Well, there is no other way to tell you this, but you barely survived the collision with that truck on the highway." She tells him.
He looks down his arms and legs barely Being able to move his fingers, and says: "It must have been a terrible hit, I can barely move a muscle. Am I going to survive this?"

"I don't think that you have to worry about recovery. We had two of our best surgeons on call and they successfully patched you up very quickly, and they expect you to be on your feet in just a couple of months." She tells him as she is holding the cup for him to drink from.

"I was on call when they brought you in, and I don't usually comment on such things, but you are a wild one aren't you?" She says smiling at him.

"I don't know what you mean miss." he says looking at her from his bloodshot eyes.

"Well, as we worked on stitching you up, you were on the operating table for quite a while, and I couldnt help but notice that you had a tattoo on your penis." She said blushing.

He managed a weak smile at her.

"And what did it say?" he asked coyly.

"It said 'Shorty', but it was very courageous of you to endure the pain of having it tattooed there." She said giggling.

"Nurse, get me a gun! Get me a gun I am going to shoot myself!" He screamed at her.

"No, dont worry, the doctors did a very good job. They stitched you up very well, everything will work just as it did before." She consoled him.

"Yes nurse, it might work fine, but it won't be like before..." He sighed falling back into the pillows.
"...I dont understand...." She said.

"Nurse, it used to read: 'Shortys Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee', nurse, it read: 'Shortys Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee'..." He said as he fell deeper into the pillows of the bed.

The nurse looked at the man compassionately.

"I'll go get you that gun sir..." She said as she left him.

 

[J_Bone]

Guy goes to a doctor appointment and his usual doctor is out. The one filling in is a drop dead gorgeous tall blonde with a perfect hourglass figure, totally stacked. Maybe the sexiest woman he's even been in the presence of.

He's immediately awestruck and taken aback a bit when she enters the room and his nervousness is apparent.

Having been in the situation many times before, the gorgeous doc senses his nervousness and attempts to put him at ease and says, "I know I'm different than your regular doctor, but I'm a professional and I've seen it all. So tell me what the problem is and I'll check it out."

After a brief pause while the wheels are turning in his brain, the man replies, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

 

[Deadbed1968]

Guess What?

What?

 

[Adventurouscdm]

A guy test drives a Ferrari one day. He jumps on the expressway and speeds up to 90 mph. A cop spots him and jumps behind him with his lights on and siren blaring. The Ferrari notices the following police car so he speeds up to 125 mph. After a few miles he decides to pull over. The police man gets out of his car and says to the man "Is there a good reason why you tried to get away?". The man replies "My wife recently left me for a police officer. When I saw your lights in my rearview I thought maybe you were him trying to give her back."

 

[Elmo_Lincoln]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged!

 

[Adventurouscdm]

My wife and I were getting hot and heavy one night. She looked me in my eyes and said "I want you to whisper dirty, dirty things into my ear". I moved in closely, closed my eyes and said "the laundry, the dishes and the bathroom"

 

[Elmo_Lincoln]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps in to the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.’

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago? When we started dating? he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that Her husband is so caring and sensitive. ‘Yes, I do.’ she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’

‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?’

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ‘I would Have gotten out today.’

 

[Britva415]

A professor is teaching math on a blackboard. After filling up all the available space, he discovers the eraser isn't up to the task, and it's only half-erasing the board.

He looks around for another eraser. There aren't any. He apologizes to the students for how messy the half-erased board looks.

A blond girl says, "You got to give it that hawk tuah, and spit on that thang!"

 

[kenbrack]

A guy is sitting on his balcony at his apartment having a drink. Suddenly, an object splashes in his drink. He takes it out and it’s a glass eye. He then hears a voice from the balcony above him. A lady asks him if he can bring it to her. He goes up to her place and knocks on the door. She opens the door and invites him in. She offers him some wine and they have a drink. They start to make out and then end up in bed. They make love through the night. The next morning he says to her, “That was amazing. Do you do that with all the guys “ She replies “No, you just happened to catch my eye.”

 

[ALovelyNudist]

I was kidnapped by a group of mime artists… they did unspeakable things to me

 

[ccs29745]

I was kidnapped by a group of mime artists… they did unspeakable things to me

Not bad, that was a pretty good one.

 

[Biggalute]

Two snails having a race, one takes off his shell to be more aerodynamic
'Did it help?'
'No, I felt more sluggish.'

 

[__Nathan1968]

What’s the difference between a steroid and a hormone?

I’ve never made a steroid.

 

[Britva415]

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.