mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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Alexander the Great
A high school teacher admonished his class - "Alexander the great had conquered the known world by the time he was only a few years older than you. You guys can't even conquer your homework."
A student from the back shot back - "He had Aristotle as a teacher, we only have you."
A high school teacher admonished his class - "Alexander the great had conquered the known world by the time he was only a few years older than you. You guys can't even conquer your homework."
A student from the back shot back - "He had Aristotle as a teacher, we only have you."
jeff_is_smiling
Mentally Controlling
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- Nov 7, 2002
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- 111,174
An elderly man shows up unexpectedly at his doctor's office with an unusual complaint.
"Doc, this is embarrassing, but I seem to be having 'silent gas emissions.' I've been having them all week long - it's embarrassing."
"Tell me more," the Doc asked. "When and where do they occur?"
"Well, let me tell you a few times. My wife and I went to church on Sunday and sat in the front pew when I had a few very strong ones. Then, I went to the golf course and waited with the other groups at the 1st tee and had three more. Once I decided to come see you today, I sat in your waiting room for a little while and had another four. Hell, since telling you the story, I've had two more of them. You've got to do something about it, Doc!"
"We will. Just relax. But, first, we're gonna need to check out what's wrong with your hearing."
"Doc, this is embarrassing, but I seem to be having 'silent gas emissions.' I've been having them all week long - it's embarrassing."
"Tell me more," the Doc asked. "When and where do they occur?"
"Well, let me tell you a few times. My wife and I went to church on Sunday and sat in the front pew when I had a few very strong ones. Then, I went to the golf course and waited with the other groups at the 1st tee and had three more. Once I decided to come see you today, I sat in your waiting room for a little while and had another four. Hell, since telling you the story, I've had two more of them. You've got to do something about it, Doc!"
"We will. Just relax. But, first, we're gonna need to check out what's wrong with your hearing."
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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A priest is giving a young nun a lift home from church one day,
A priest is giving a young nun a lift home from church one day, and as he's shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun's knee.
The young nun looks up at the priest and says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." The priest withdraws his hand, embarrassed.
Next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher up on her thigh, again the nun says, "Remember Luke 14:10, Father." The priest apologizes. "The flesh is weak," he says.
So he drops her off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and he flips to Luke 14:10. "Friend, come up higher, then shalt thou have glory!"
A priest is giving a young nun a lift home from church one day, and as he's shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun's knee.
The young nun looks up at the priest and says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." The priest withdraws his hand, embarrassed.
Next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher up on her thigh, again the nun says, "Remember Luke 14:10, Father." The priest apologizes. "The flesh is weak," he says.
So he drops her off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and he flips to Luke 14:10. "Friend, come up higher, then shalt thou have glory!"
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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A 25yr Old Woman Marries A 70yr Old Man.....
She loves him and cares for him , tending to his needs in his older years.
One day, some friends of hers invite her on a "Girls Holiday", away from the husbands, a chance to let loose for a week and have a bit of freedom, but she is worried about her husband's care.
She speaks to her husband about him going into a care home for the week, so that she knows he will be looked after and help will be on hand while she is away.
He really doesn't like the idea of a care home and would rather she didn't go, but she needs a break, needs some time to herself, so he compromises by having a care nurse come every evening while she is away to make sure he has what he needs and is ok.
She agrees to the compromise. She makes sure all meals are prepared and in the fridge/ freezer, stocks up on other things he needs, and arranges for a nurse called Sonia to come in the evenings to help him.
The first night Sonia comes, makes sure he is ok, and gives him a large glass of whisky and a Viagra tablet before bed. It isn't what he expected , but he acquiesces, drinks the whisky and takes the tablet before going to sleep.
Every night while the wife is away, Sonia gives him a large glass of whisky and a Viagra tablet.
When the wife comes back, she thanks her husband for allowing her the time for the holiday and says she can resume his care. However, he doesn't want Sonia to stop visiting.
She asks why, he tells her that, every evening, he gets a large glass of whisky and a Viagra tablet, and doesn't want it to stop.
The wife is furious that Sonia has been doing this, and calls her to ask why on Earth she has been doing this every evening.
Sonia replies "Well, the whisky is to help him sleep"
"And the Viagra?"
"That stops him falling out of bed!"
She loves him and cares for him , tending to his needs in his older years.
One day, some friends of hers invite her on a "Girls Holiday", away from the husbands, a chance to let loose for a week and have a bit of freedom, but she is worried about her husband's care.
She speaks to her husband about him going into a care home for the week, so that she knows he will be looked after and help will be on hand while she is away.
He really doesn't like the idea of a care home and would rather she didn't go, but she needs a break, needs some time to herself, so he compromises by having a care nurse come every evening while she is away to make sure he has what he needs and is ok.
She agrees to the compromise. She makes sure all meals are prepared and in the fridge/ freezer, stocks up on other things he needs, and arranges for a nurse called Sonia to come in the evenings to help him.
The first night Sonia comes, makes sure he is ok, and gives him a large glass of whisky and a Viagra tablet before bed. It isn't what he expected , but he acquiesces, drinks the whisky and takes the tablet before going to sleep.
Every night while the wife is away, Sonia gives him a large glass of whisky and a Viagra tablet.
When the wife comes back, she thanks her husband for allowing her the time for the holiday and says she can resume his care. However, he doesn't want Sonia to stop visiting.
She asks why, he tells her that, every evening, he gets a large glass of whisky and a Viagra tablet, and doesn't want it to stop.
The wife is furious that Sonia has been doing this, and calls her to ask why on Earth she has been doing this every evening.
Sonia replies "Well, the whisky is to help him sleep"
"And the Viagra?"
"That stops him falling out of bed!"
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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Australian medical helpline
“G’Day mate what’s the problem cobber?”
“I’m in Darwin with me Sheila and she got stung on the minge by a wasp and now her lady parts have swollen shut”
“Bummer mate!”
“Thanks, hadn’t thought of that, bye”
“G’Day mate what’s the problem cobber?”
“I’m in Darwin with me Sheila and she got stung on the minge by a wasp and now her lady parts have swollen shut”
“Bummer mate!”
“Thanks, hadn’t thought of that, bye”
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ccs29745
Shady's guy
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- Sep 25, 2006
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- 8,576
Don't know whether to thumbs up, laugh, or sad emoji.
Britva415
"Virgin," my ass
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- Nov 19, 2022
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- 6,273
You don't have to be Australian to appreciate this joke
I think bogans everywhere use that expression.
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2021
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Little Johnny is attending the first day of his school’s sex education class.
The teacher draws a penis on the blackboard and asks: “Who can tell me what this is?”
Of course, Johnny raises his hand and says: “It’s a penis; my daddy has two of them”
Incredulously, the teacher asks, “Two of them?”
“Yeah,” replies Johnny, “A little one he pees with, and a big one he brushes my babysitter’s teeth with.”
The teacher draws a penis on the blackboard and asks: “Who can tell me what this is?”
Of course, Johnny raises his hand and says: “It’s a penis; my daddy has two of them”
Incredulously, the teacher asks, “Two of them?”
“Yeah,” replies Johnny, “A little one he pees with, and a big one he brushes my babysitter’s teeth with.”
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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Another miracle.
A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Bassytian
Ultimate Introvert
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- Feb 17, 2024
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- 761
A young man, we'll say he's 21, was forced to sell his poor family's most treasured possession so they could afford to buy food. It was a golden duck with diamonds for eyes that had been in his family for generations. He took it everywhere in town he could, but no one could pay what he needed for it.
With no other options left, he took it to the brothel in town and went inside. Half an hour later, he left smiling but he was without the duck or any money. He went back inside, and half an hour later, he came back out smiling and holding the duck but with no money. Having failed, he headed home. Unfortunately, he dropped the duck on the way back and it shattered. He picked up the pieces he could and took them home.
Upon arriving, his family was shocked. "What the hell happened??" his father asked.
"Well Dad.." said the son, "I got a fuck for a duck and a duck for a fuck, now I've got a fucked up duck."
With no other options left, he took it to the brothel in town and went inside. Half an hour later, he left smiling but he was without the duck or any money. He went back inside, and half an hour later, he came back out smiling and holding the duck but with no money. Having failed, he headed home. Unfortunately, he dropped the duck on the way back and it shattered. He picked up the pieces he could and took them home.
Upon arriving, his family was shocked. "What the hell happened??" his father asked.
"Well Dad.." said the son, "I got a fuck for a duck and a duck for a fuck, now I've got a fucked up duck."
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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An Admiral who lost one of his ears in an accident and was very sensitive about his appearance was interviewing a Navy Master Chief, an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I imagine this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with a Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.
“And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: “Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fu*kin’ ear.”
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I imagine this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with a Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.
“And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: “Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fu*kin’ ear.”
Fiestykitten
Dust In The Wind
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- Jul 30, 2024
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- 8,386
What do glory holes and police hotlines have in common?
Anonymous Tips 
Anonymous Tips
Qky75
TTYL
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2021
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- 5,410
A rancher sees a weary traveler coming up the road and invited him up to cool off with some iced tea. After a spell, the man asks the rancher, " I bet that horse of yours has the best conversations" The rancher, unaware the traveler is a ventriloquist, looked at the man with concern and replied slowly, "no, I don't reckon my horse talks much." Imagine his surprise when he heard the horse reply, "awww that's silly, we talk all the time. Best friend I ever had that'n". A few minutes pass in awkward silence. The traveler asks again, "sure is a nice lookin' herd of sheep over there. Them your sheep mister?" The rancher jumped up pie eyed and yelled, " now them sheep are nuttin' but a buncha liars!!!"
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Elmo_Lincoln
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 12, 2012
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked and said, "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked and said, "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2021
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- 8,833
Casual hiking on cold Sunday morning.
Passed an elderly white couple on a hiking trail.
"Careful", they said, "there's some black guys ahead."
"That's racist. You should know better," I replied angrily.
A few minutes later I slipped and fell on my ass.
Passed an elderly white couple on a hiking trail.
"Careful", they said, "there's some black guys ahead."
"That's racist. You should know better," I replied angrily.
A few minutes later I slipped and fell on my ass.
