Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien was stumped.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

 

[mugsgame]

A woman is sitting in a bar, drinking and depressed...

At the other end of the bar, there's a fellow, also drinking and depressed.

They end up talking for a while and the lady asks, "What's got you so down?"

He replies, "My wife left me because I was too kinky! "

"Really?" says she. "My husband left me for the same reason! "

They have another drink together, and she says, "Well, why don't you come over to my place and we'll get kinky together."

He agrees, and they go back to her place.

She excuses herself to put on something more uncomfortable. She comes out in thigh high boots, crotchless leather panties, and a leather bra, holding a riding crop just to see the guy putting on his coat and hat.

"Where are you going? " she demands. "I thought we were gonna get kinky together!"

"Lady, I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. What more do you want?"

 

[mugsgame]

A doctor’s waiting room was packed with people.

The doctor's assistant claps her hands for attention and announces ”As of today, we have decided to stop calling patients by name in order to protect your privacy.”

She pauses a few seconds to look at the list then calls “The gentleman with hemorrhoids is next.”

 

[mugsgame]

A rabbi and a priest go skinny dipping when a group of young boys suddenly appear on the beach.

The priest immediately covers his penis while the rabbit covers his face.

After the boys leave, the priest asks the rabbi "Why did you do that? they saw everything!"

The rabbi replied, "i don't know about you but my congregation recognizes me by my face"

 

[mugsgame]

A man and a woman are lying in bed together.

The woman turns to the man and says, "You must be the worst lover in the world."

The man looks at her and says, "Oh yeah? Well, how'd you figure that out in 30 seconds?"

 

[S0uthernGirl]

Is that ass a school? Cause I'm trying to shoot some kids in it.

I saw this dark humor joke online a few years ago and laughed. Some will like it and some won't but each their own

 

[mugsgame]

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”

The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

 

[mugsgame]

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!

And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!

 

[mugsgame]

My wife says I’m hung like a horse....

A seahorse is still a horse goddamn’t!!!

 

[mugsgame]

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

 

[mugsgame]

Boy Meets Pastor

A delightful little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies’ room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy smiled and replied, “You're shitting me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."

 

[mugsgame]

A Woman needs 4 animals in her Life

A Mink in her closet, A Tiger in the bed, A Jaguar in her Garage...

and a Donkey who pays for all of this

 

[mugsgame]

My wife told me that she wants to donate some of her clothes to the hungry…

I said whoever can fit her clothes definitely isn’t hungry.

Anyway, so I’m single now.

 

[ImpishSeraph]

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. “I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my ass off,” wheezed Oscar.

“Let me give you a tip, ol’ pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar -- looking more chilled and miserable than before. “Oscar! What has happened to you now?” asked the flea. “Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.” “And so?” asked the first flea. “And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”


My friend's dad told me this joke when I was a kid. I had to look it up to remember the details. I don't take credit for the joke.

 

[ericalauren]

The girl I babysit is obsessed with the “nacho cheese” joke.

 

[mugsgame]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...

Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

“That's amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The Irishman nodded....

“I'll tell you though, be all the saints, I thought I were going to drop dead on that third day.”

“You mean from the hunger?” asked the doctor.

“No,,,,,,, from the bloody skipping!!!”

 

[mugsgame]

Dirty Johnny's mother took him to the pool

On the way home, she says to him: "What did I tell you about peeing in the pool?"

Johnny: "How did you know I did that?"

Mom: "Well you were doing it while standing on the ledge"

 

[mugsgame]

Ocean of Beer

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!!.."

 

[mugsgame]

An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub.

The Dutchman says to the Englishman, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”

The Englishman replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the pub, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar, and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”

The Dutchman says “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”

The Englishman replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for £10, and the ladies are none the wiser.”

So the Dutchman goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various pubs across London, with no luck whatsoever. A few weeks later, he runs into the Englishman again. He tells the Englishman “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 pubs, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

The Englishman tells him, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first.”

 

[mugsgame]

A Wall Street banker finishes work for the day and heads outside to wait for his Uber home.

Whilst waiting, he mistakenly makes eye contact with a homeless man busking outside the building. The busker perks up and shouts out "Excuse me, sir! Do you possibly have ten dollars for a meal?"

"No, I don't." replies the banker, curtly.

"That's a shame", replies the man. "Well, do you have five bucks for a sandwich?"

"No, I don't have five dollars either!", snaps the banker, rolling his eyes.

"Hmm. One dollar for a cup of coffee?", asks the hopeful man.

"NO!", yells the banker.

"Well, Jesus, man! Here, you'd better take my guitar and find a busy corner; you sound worse off than me!"

 

[mugsgame]

Damn priest took my daughter’s virginity

He swears to god it won’t happen again.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One, the world spins around them.

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Two, but it better be a damn big lightbulb.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Orange.

 

[mugsgame]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

 

[mugsgame]

"The biggest sexual organ is the brain," I told my wife.

"I don't understand why you're always horny then!" She snapped.

 

[mugsgame]

A large man is seated in an airplane, stuck between the arm rests, wiggling around furiously and looking uncomfortable in his seat.

The flight attendant notices and approaches him, “Do you need help sir?”

“Yea, I need a screwdriver!”

“Right away, sir.”

The flight attendant walks to the galley, finds the toolbox, opens it, and takes a screwdriver out.

She returns to aid the passenger, who stares at her oddly. “What’s wrong?” she asks.

The passenger replies, “What would you have got me if I asked for a Bloody Mary?”