Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Anniversary Celebration

After 60 years together, the couple’s three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency with a patient at the hospital, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello, and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town, and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years, your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said almost in unison, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "Cheap ones, too."

 

[mugsgame]

Snooping on his phone

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:

‘The tender one’

‘The amazing one’

‘Lady of my dreams,

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.

Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.

When she dialed the third number her own phone rang.

She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,

so she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as

‘Uncle Mike the mechanic’.

 

[mugsgame]

My therapist just told me: From now on, please make an effort to forget all the people who have hurt you.

I replied: I will.

Then she told me: "Today's appointment is 500 dollars."

I asked her: "Do i know you?"

 

[mugsgame]

My wife told me that the sex we had last night was like being on a roller coaster!

What she actually meant was that she hated every second, couldn't get off when she wanted to, and felt sick afterwards..

 

[mugsgame]

May-December wedding

Two sisters were arguing about why their elderly father was getting remarried to such a young woman- who was even younger than they were.

“Well,” said the first sister, “I don’t get these May-December weddings. I mean, yeah, I can certainly understand what December sees in May- youth, energy, sex appeal, freshness, and an upbeat attitude to life. But what does May see in December?”

“Christmas,” answered the second.

 

[mugsgame]

"The biggest sexual organ is the brain," I told my wife.

"I don't understand why you're always horny then." She snapped.

 

[h60pilot]

Why did Pavlov have such beautiful hair?



He conditioned it.

 

[mugsgame]

My boss told me to have a good day…

So I clocked out and went home.

 

[mugsgame]

The Watergate Hotel

A couple stayed on their honeymoon at the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride was worried that the hotel might still be bugged, so of course her new husband started searching the room. Not to upset his new wife, the man did a thorough job of it. He moved every bit of furniture and checked it, even disassembling and reassembling the TV to check for odd components. Finally, under the rug, he found an odd, thick metal disc screwed into the floor, set into a hollow in the floor. He immediately unscrewed it and out the window it went. His wife, satisfied, hugged him and they had a lovely first night of being wedded.

The morning brought some confusion, though. When they went to check out, the manager was there, asking them many, many questions about their stay and wringing his hands almost pathologically. "How was your stay? Was anything wrong with your stay? Do you have any complaints about the room? Was the breakfast to your liking? How was your service?" The list of questions was mind boggling.

Finally, the husband was beginning to get a little uncomfortable. "What's going on?" he asked. "Why so many questions?"

"Well, sir...." the manager hesitated. "The room below yours complained their chandelier fell on them!"

 

[mugsgame]

Wife has an auto accident

So, my wife managed to crash the car again today.

When the police showed up, she was all fired up,

insisting that the guy she hit was being totally reckless.

“He was on his phone! Can you believe it?!” she exclaimed.

“And, to make matters worse, he was sitting there, casually sipping on a can of beer!”

The officer, trying his best to hold back a smile,

took a deep breath, looked her dead in the eye, and said,

“Ma’am… he can do whatever he wants… in his own living room.”

 

[mugsgame]

A 9 year old girl is digging through her mother’s purse, and sees her driver’s license. She then says “Mommy, I know why daddy divorced you”

The girl explains “because you got an F in sex”

 

[mugsgame]

Two blondes fell down a Hole.

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

 

[ccs29745]

If you're having a bad day, just remember,
There's some guy that ran into a wall with a boner, and broke his nose first.

 

[mugsgame]

Learning Baseball

Conor had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

At Yankee Stadium he watched as a man swung a stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled, “Run, run!"

Then a second guy came up to the plate, whacked the ball and started down toward the line.

Everyone stood up again and yelled, “Run, run!

A third batter came up, but this one didn't hit the ball. He didn't even swing. Four times the pitcher pitched. Four times the catcher caught. Conor was completely confused when the batter dropped the stick and started strolling toward the white bag.

“Run, run!" Conor shouted.

"No, he doesn't have to run' his cousin told him. "He's got four balls."

Conor’s eyes widened and he stood up, shouting, “Walk with pride, man!” Walk with pride!"

 

[mugsgame]

A stunning blonde walked into a bar and sits at an empty table.

A young man sees her and eagerly approaches offering to get her a drink.

Annoyed, she says "A drink? Yeah right, as if... And very original, like I've never been offered a drink before. Not even a pick up line? You think you just see a woman and you have the right to just walk up and bother her!? Why would I let someone like you get me a drink?

"Well, because..." He said... "I'm your waiter."

 

[mugsgame]

You know you're in trouble when....

Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You take an assertiveness training course and are afraid to tell your wife.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

You see the captain of the ship running towards you wearing a life jacket.

Your pacemaker only has a thirty day guarantee.

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house - and never comes back out.

 

[mugsgame]

A man is bored and asks his wife what would she do if she found out she had an hour left to live.

His wife responds, "Well I would say bye to my family first, my friends and other loved ones and then I would probably spend the rest of my time with you."

The man, satisfied with this response, simply nods his head, before his wife asks him, "What about you, what would you do if you found out you had an hour left to live?"

The man thinks for a moment, and responds, "Well obviously I would make love to you."

His wife just stares at him, as if expecting something else, something more. The man ponders, but cannot of what else his wife wants to hear, so finally he asks, "What is it?"

To which his wife responds, "Well.... what would you do for the rest of the 58 minutes?"

 

[mugsgame]

At the circus

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus.

When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

“No, Mom, down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returned and the mother went off to get a soda.

As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis.”

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?" the boy persisted.

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

 

[mugsgame]

Husband: "I wanna know when you orgasm next."

Wife: "I'd rather not interrupt you at work."

 

[mugsgame]

One day a boy asks his father "Dad what is that between mom's legs?"

The the father replies, "The door to heaven"

"Then what is between your legs?" the boy asks.

Father replies "The key to heaven"

Then the boy says "Well I think you should change the lock because the neighbor has a spare key."

 

[SubzeroGirl]

A blonde brunette and a redhead all agree that they are going to have a swimming contest to see who is the fastest swimmer across a lake.
They all agree that they are going to use breaststroke to race.

The redhead comes in first with an hour
The brunette comes in second with two hours
The blonde comes in last with 4 hours

The exhausted blonde walks up to the judges stand and says
“I hate to be a sore loser but I think the other two girls where using their arms”

 

[mugsgame]

A police officer pulled me over and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off.

I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.

 

[mugsgame]

The next time you're feeling down...

Just remember life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times per week, works out twice a day, reads two books a week, and, yet, he still complains about how much he hates prison.

 

[mugsgame]

Sleeping pill solution

An office worker had trouble sleeping and often slept past his alarm, making him habitually late for work. His boss, concerned about him, considering that he was a good worker, suggested that he try to use some sleeping pills.

So, the worker bought some pills and, lo and behold, he slept great, got up before the alarm and felt wonderful. In the office that morning he told his boss about the great night of sleep and thanked him for the suggestion.

“That’s wonderful,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

 

[mugsgame]

I have sex almost every day...

Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday ...