Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Cathy and Anna meet in the coffee shop. Cathy says: "I woke up with a sore throat."

Anna: "Whenever i have a sore throat, i give my husband oral sex and I'm cured straight away."

Cathy: "Really?"

Anna: "Try it and you'll see that I'm right."

The next day they meet again.

Anna: "So, did my advice work?"

Cathy: "It worked, and your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

 

[mugsgame]

Your momma is so dumb….

When I asked her to spell “Orange” she asked “Wait the fruit or the color?”

 

[Sallyhansen6914]

My life. *drops mic*

 

[mugsgame]

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!"

"Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?"

"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

 

[English_guy_bkk]

My life. *drops mic*

Who is Mic? Surely he isn't that bad..

 

[mugsgame]

Circle Flies

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

"You were speeding and I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep" says the farmer as he watches the trooper shoo away several flies. "Watch out for them Circle Flies!"

The trooper shot back, "What's a circle fly?".

"Flies that circle roun' a horse's behind", smiled the farmer.

The trooper smiles back, "Now you wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?"

"Nope... I wouldn't do that" the farmer says. "I have too much respect for law."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

[jbeardo1]

You would think that a pirates favourite letter is R.

But what they really love, is the C

 

[sister jenny]

What’s brown and sticky?

a stick

 

[Thebrowneye]

What’s brown and sticky?

a stick

Sometimes it is just a stick

 

[Tom_Brown]

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey, and your donkey bit a foot off of rooster, what would we have?

…. A foot of my cock in your ass!

 

[mugsgame]

15 Pounds

A guys grandpa was at home after having recent heart surgery. Since Recovery came with some physical restrictions he was helping his grandpa re-arrange things in the Kitchen for easier use.

Grandpa took a rest, looked down and just sighed, "I'm no longer supposed to lift anything greater than 15 pounds"

With a sad shake of his head, "So, from now on I'll have to pee sitting down..."

 

[mugsgame]

A man sends his wife to the grocery store to pick up a few ingredients for dinner.

She comes home and looks visibly upset, so he asks "My darling, what's bothering you?"

She replies with, "Nothing, dear. I just thought I was making the cashier uncomfortable."

"Why? Did you do anything?"

"No! I just grabbed what you asked me to; A bottle of olive oil and the biggest cucumber they had..."

 

[mugsgame]

I just found my first grey pube today.

Just wish it wasn’t in my coffee I got from McDonald’s....

 

[mugsgame]

A company brought in a new CEO, Richard, hoping he’d turn things around and make operations run smoother.

On his first day, Richard decided to weed out any slackers. While walking around the office, he spotted a young guy leaning against a wall, not doing much of anything. Richard saw his chance to make a statement.

He marched up to the guy and asked, “How much do you make in a week?”

The guy replied, “$200. Why?”

With everyone watching, Richard pulled out his wallet, handed the guy $200, and said, “Here’s a week’s pay. Now get out and don’t come back. We don’t need lazy people like you here!”

Feeling proud of himself, Richard turned to the rest of the team and asked, “So, what exactly did that guy do here?”

A senior employee hesitated for a moment before saying, “Uh… that was the pizza delivery guy.”

 

[mugsgame]

My wife asked me, "Why are you so calm?"

I replied, "I never argue with stupid people. I just say 'You're right' and move on.

She responded, "That's ridiculous!"

To which I replied, "You're right."

 

[mugsgame]

Scottish Cow

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland . It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland..."

 

[mugsgame]

"Doctor, Won’t you please kiss me?” asks the patient..

"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.

"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.

"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be fucking you."

 

[mugsgame]

A policeman pulls over a Porsche for speeding. In the drivers seat is an obvious rich kid, with an attitude.

“Do you know how fast - “ the policeman starts.

The rich kid cuts him off, saying “You’re gonna regret this. Do you even know who my father is?”

The cop immediately responds: “What, your mother didn’t tell you?”

 

[mugsgame]

An worker gets a phone call. "When is that order going to be finished, buddy? I'm sick of the delay."

"Listen you jerk," says the worker, "We're busting our asses here, it'll be done when it's done. Now f*** off."

"Don't talk like that. Do you know who I am?" asks the other.

"No," says the worker.

"I'm the CEO."

"Really?" says the worker. "Do you know who I am?"

"No," says the CEO.

"Well thank God for that!" say the worker and hangs up.

 

[mugsgame]

The old man is lying in the hospital bed. Feeling that these may be the last moments of his life, he says to his wife:

"I always felt that our seventh child was different from the others. Tell me the truth, does he have a different father?"

Wife: "Yes..."

Husband: "Who's the father?"

Wife: "You are."

 

[mugsgame]

Classic Little Johnny Joke

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

 

[mugsgame]

As he pushes his wailing child through the crowded supermarket, a young father repeats softly, “Don’t get excited, Josh … Don’t scream, Josh … Keep calm, Josh.”

A fellow shopper, impressed by the father’s calm demeanor, says, “You should be commended for trying to soothe your son.”

The father replies, “I’m Josh.

 

[mugsgame]

Stingy Johnny

Old Johnny loses his wife Martha to illness.

He goes to the newspaper to publish an obituary.

But Johnny is very stingy and decides to write, "Martha dead."

The clerk reassures him, "Look, you can use up to five words for the same price."

Johnny then decides to publish, "Martha dead, selling red Volvo."

 

[mugsgame]

Wife says to her husband: "Our son is so clever, he got his intelligence from me!"

The husband replies: "Probably, I still have mine..."

 

[mugsgame]

“Dear,” a woman calls to her husband in another room.

“Do you ever get a shooting pain in your stomach, like someone’s sticking a pin into a voodoo doll of you?”

Her husband, after thinking about it, replies, “No.”

A minute later she asks: “How about now?”