mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.
The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says, "One moment please, I will get the Pharmacist."
The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the woman, "This is just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says, "One moment please, I will get the Pharmacist."
The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the woman, "This is just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Shady_nz
cc's girl .. always
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Our Joke of the Day
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
mugsgame
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A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, ‘Is this a union house?’
‘No,’ she replied, ‘I’m sorry it isn’t.’
‘Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’
‘The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’ she answered. Offended at such unfair wages, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ‘Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.’
The man asked, ‘And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’ ‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20’
‘That’s more like it!’ the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
‘I’d like her,’ he said. ‘I’m sure you would, sir,’ said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, ‘but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, ‘Is this a union house?’
‘No,’ she replied, ‘I’m sorry it isn’t.’
‘Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’
‘The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’ she answered. Offended at such unfair wages, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ‘Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.’
The man asked, ‘And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’ ‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20’
‘That’s more like it!’ the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
‘I’d like her,’ he said. ‘I’m sure you would, sir,’ said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, ‘but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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Windy day
Strolling through London’s Soho district on a very windy day, the young lady’s dress kept flying up to her waist exposing all because she didn’t have any underwear on.
As a gentleman passed by, he nodded to her and said, “Airy, isn’t it?”
“What did you expect,” she replied, “Feathers?”
Strolling through London’s Soho district on a very windy day, the young lady’s dress kept flying up to her waist exposing all because she didn’t have any underwear on.
As a gentleman passed by, he nodded to her and said, “Airy, isn’t it?”
“What did you expect,” she replied, “Feathers?”
Carson19820
Slave To The Grind
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Young boy gets a cowboy outfit for his birthday complete with a cowboy hat, chaps, vest, spurs, and a holster with two toy pistols. Grandpa gives him ten dollars and tells him to go to the ice cream parlor to get him a birthday treat.
Boy walks in the ice cream parlor and starts walking in slow with his hands on his belt buckle and hat tip down over his forehead. He goes to the counter where a young lady is at the register.
"Ah want a bananer split!" he demanded in a John Wayne accent.
The young lady giggled and said "What do you want on your banana split?"
The boy replied "Ah want bananers, and three scoops of vaniller ice cream, whip cream, cherries, and nuts!"
The lady asked "Do you want you nuts crushed?"
The boy pulled his toy six shooters from the holsters, pointed them at the lady and yelled "LADY! YOU WANT YOUR TITS SHOT OFF???"
Boy walks in the ice cream parlor and starts walking in slow with his hands on his belt buckle and hat tip down over his forehead. He goes to the counter where a young lady is at the register.
"Ah want a bananer split!" he demanded in a John Wayne accent.
The young lady giggled and said "What do you want on your banana split?"
The boy replied "Ah want bananers, and three scoops of vaniller ice cream, whip cream, cherries, and nuts!"
The lady asked "Do you want you nuts crushed?"
The boy pulled his toy six shooters from the holsters, pointed them at the lady and yelled "LADY! YOU WANT YOUR TITS SHOT OFF???"
mugsgame
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An English teacher asks her students to write a composition.
"The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy and mystery. You have 60 minutes."
After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads:
"My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"
"The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy and mystery. You have 60 minutes."
After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads:
"My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"
Shady_nz
cc's girl .. always
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Our Joke of the Day
A farmer was sitting at the local bar, nursing a drink and looking glum. A curious man walked in, saw him, and asked, “Why are you sitting here drinking on such a nice day?”
The farmer sighed and shook his head. “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Intrigued, the man sat down next to him. “Come on, what happened? It can’t be that bad.”
The farmer took a sip of his drink and said, “Well, this morning, I was milking my cow. Just as I filled the bucket, she lifted her left leg and knocked it over.”
The man chuckled. “That’s annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.”
The farmer sighed again. “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do next?” the man asked.
“I tied her left leg to a post,” the farmer replied.
“Smart,” said the man. “What happened after that?”
“Well, I sat back down to milk her again. Just as the bucket got full, she kicked it over with her right leg.”
The man laughed. “This cow really has it out for you!”
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer repeated.
“What did you do then?”
“I tied her right leg to a post too,” said the farmer.
“And then?”
The farmer continued, “I sat back down to milk her again. And just when the bucket was full, she swatted it over with her tail.”
The man nodded, suppressing a grin. “Wow, she’s persistent. So what did you do?”
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. But as I was tying it, my pants fell down... and that’s when my wife walked in.”
The farmer shook his head and sighed. “Some things you just can’t explain.”
mugsgame
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A Jewish father sends his son to Israel to deepen his connection to Judaism...
After a few months, the son returns and says, "Dad, I’ve become a Christian."
Shocked, the father confides in his friend, who listens and then sighs, "That’s strange… I sent my son to Israel last year, and he also came back a Christian!" Baffled, they decide to visit their Rabbi for guidance.
After hearing their stories, the Rabbi strokes his beard and says, "This is unbelievable… My son also went to Israel—and he too came back a Christian!" Now completely bewildered, they agree there’s only one place left to turn.
Together, they pray: "Oh God, what is happening? We send our sons to Israel to strengthen their Judaism, and they all return as Christians!"
A deep voice rumbles from the heavens:
"Tell me about it..."
After a few months, the son returns and says, "Dad, I’ve become a Christian."
Shocked, the father confides in his friend, who listens and then sighs, "That’s strange… I sent my son to Israel last year, and he also came back a Christian!" Baffled, they decide to visit their Rabbi for guidance.
After hearing their stories, the Rabbi strokes his beard and says, "This is unbelievable… My son also went to Israel—and he too came back a Christian!" Now completely bewildered, they agree there’s only one place left to turn.
Together, they pray: "Oh God, what is happening? We send our sons to Israel to strengthen their Judaism, and they all return as Christians!"
A deep voice rumbles from the heavens:
"Tell me about it..."
mugsgame
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An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him at the bar....
“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”
“Grew up in Wexford.”
“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”
“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”
“I went to St Peters Secondary”
“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”
“1979”
“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”
Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”
To which the bartender replies, “Ah nothing, just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”
“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”
“Grew up in Wexford.”
“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”
“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”
“I went to St Peters Secondary”
“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”
“1979”
“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”
Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”
To which the bartender replies, “Ah nothing, just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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So this guy is working in the produce department at the grocery store
A lady walks up and she says “Excuse me.”
He says “Yes?”
She asks “Where’s the broccoli? I can’t find the broccoli.”
He says “Oh, I’m really sorry ma’am, we ran out of broccoli. We will have some tomorrow morning.”
He goes back to work and is stacking the oranges and hears behind him “Mr., Mr.” He turns around and it’s the same lady.
“Where’s the broccoli at. You got any broccoli?”
He says, “No ma’am, we’re fresh out of broccoli. We’ll have some tomorrow morning.”
He goes back to work, and a couple minutes later this woman walks right up in his face and says “How come I can’t find any broccoli?”
He says “Lady, do me a favor, will you?”
She says “What?”
He says “Indulge me. How do you spell cat, like in catastrophic?”
She says “C.A.T.”
“How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?”
“D.O.G.”
“How do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?”
She says “There is no fuck in broccoli.”
He says “That’s what I’m trying to tell you lady!”
A lady walks up and she says “Excuse me.”
He says “Yes?”
She asks “Where’s the broccoli? I can’t find the broccoli.”
He says “Oh, I’m really sorry ma’am, we ran out of broccoli. We will have some tomorrow morning.”
He goes back to work and is stacking the oranges and hears behind him “Mr., Mr.” He turns around and it’s the same lady.
“Where’s the broccoli at. You got any broccoli?”
He says, “No ma’am, we’re fresh out of broccoli. We’ll have some tomorrow morning.”
He goes back to work, and a couple minutes later this woman walks right up in his face and says “How come I can’t find any broccoli?”
He says “Lady, do me a favor, will you?”
She says “What?”
He says “Indulge me. How do you spell cat, like in catastrophic?”
She says “C.A.T.”
“How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?”
“D.O.G.”
“How do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?”
She says “There is no fuck in broccoli.”
He says “That’s what I’m trying to tell you lady!”
mugsgame
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Monday was science day. Each child in class was supposed to bring something from home to show in class.
First up was little Suzie. She goes to the front of the class with some bugs in a jar.
Suzie said, "These are grasshoppers I found in the field behind my house. I punched holes in the lid to let them breath. They eat grass."
"Very good," said the teacher, and Suzie went back to her seat.
Next up was Bobby. Bobby came to the front of the class with drawing of a volcano. He explained what forms them and how the erupt.
"Good job," said the teacher, and Bobbie returned to his seat.
The rest of the class presented their science projects in much the same way. Eventually, all but Little Johnny had gone. The teacher reluctantly called on him to show off his project. Little Johnny came to the front of the class with a shoe box.
"This is a bullfrog I found in the pond behind my house," he said. "After I caught him, I broke into my neighbor's garage and stole a fire-crackers and shoved it up his ass."
"Rectum," said the teacher.
"Damn right it wrecked him. Blew his head clean off.
First up was little Suzie. She goes to the front of the class with some bugs in a jar.
Suzie said, "These are grasshoppers I found in the field behind my house. I punched holes in the lid to let them breath. They eat grass."
"Very good," said the teacher, and Suzie went back to her seat.
Next up was Bobby. Bobby came to the front of the class with drawing of a volcano. He explained what forms them and how the erupt.
"Good job," said the teacher, and Bobbie returned to his seat.
The rest of the class presented their science projects in much the same way. Eventually, all but Little Johnny had gone. The teacher reluctantly called on him to show off his project. Little Johnny came to the front of the class with a shoe box.
"This is a bullfrog I found in the pond behind my house," he said. "After I caught him, I broke into my neighbor's garage and stole a fire-crackers and shoved it up his ass."
"Rectum," said the teacher.
"Damn right it wrecked him. Blew his head clean off.
mugsgame
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3 year old Little Johnny asks his mom: "When I grow up will I have two willies like daddy?"
Mom: "Daddy doesn’t have two willies!"
Johnny: "Sure he does! He has the little soft one he uses to pee out of and the massive hard one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth with!"
Mom: "Daddy doesn’t have two willies!"
Johnny: "Sure he does! He has the little soft one he uses to pee out of and the massive hard one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth with!"
mugsgame
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The phone rang. I picked it up, listened for a moment and then said "How should I know? Call the Weather Bureau, dumb ass!" and put the phone down.
"Who was that?" my wife asked.
"No idea," I said. "Just some idiot wanting to know if the coast was clear."
"Who was that?" my wife asked.
"No idea," I said. "Just some idiot wanting to know if the coast was clear."
mugsgame
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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school
The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?"
And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom.
As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!"
"Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume."
So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!"
The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "Preparing."
Later that night he wakes up to go to the bathroom.
As he walks by their bedroom he hears his dad saying "Where are the condoms?"
The little boy opens the door and asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."
The following night his father invites over some important business clients.
The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken."
The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?"
And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom.
As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!"
"Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume."
So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!"
The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "Preparing."
Later that night he wakes up to go to the bathroom.
As he walks by their bedroom he hears his dad saying "Where are the condoms?"
The little boy opens the door and asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."
The following night his father invites over some important business clients.
The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken."
mugsgame
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A woman wearing a sleeveless dress walks into a bar and raises her right arm over her head, revealing a hairy armpit, and asks loudly, "Who's going to buy this lady a drink?"
No one said anything until an old drunk at the end of the bar slapped some money down on the bar and yelled, "I'll buy this ballerina a drink!"
After she finishes the drink she turns and raises her other arm over her head, revealing her other hairy armpit, and asks, "Now who's going to buy this lady a drink?"
The old drunk at the end of the bar slaps some money down and says, "I'll buy this ballerina another drink!"
The bartender walks over to the old drunk and asks, "Why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The old drunk says, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
No one said anything until an old drunk at the end of the bar slapped some money down on the bar and yelled, "I'll buy this ballerina a drink!"
After she finishes the drink she turns and raises her other arm over her head, revealing her other hairy armpit, and asks, "Now who's going to buy this lady a drink?"
The old drunk at the end of the bar slaps some money down and says, "I'll buy this ballerina another drink!"
The bartender walks over to the old drunk and asks, "Why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The old drunk says, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
AnomalyLady
Be a kind person
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Really funny jokes here!
I don't have a joke but rather the way my mind thinks.
Today I saw a bus driver and I wanted to tell him, "You can drive a bus, but can you run a train on me?"
I don't have a joke but rather the way my mind thinks.
Today I saw a bus driver and I wanted to tell him, "You can drive a bus, but can you run a train on me?"
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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A Chinese peasant, some centuries ago, happened upon a man he knew who was wearing a cangue -- a large wooden collar put on criminals which, among other things, meant they could not bring their hands to their faces and so were dependent on the mercy of strangers to allow them to eat and drink until their sentence was over.
"Li!" he exclaimed. "Why have the judges put a cangue upon you?"
"Oh," said Li, "Because I picked up a piece of old rope in the street and walked off with it."
"But surely they have not put you in the cangue simply for taking away an old piece of rope?" the peasant asked.
"As to that," Li admitted, "It happened that there was an ox on the other end of the rope."
"Li!" he exclaimed. "Why have the judges put a cangue upon you?"
"Oh," said Li, "Because I picked up a piece of old rope in the street and walked off with it."
"But surely they have not put you in the cangue simply for taking away an old piece of rope?" the peasant asked.
"As to that," Li admitted, "It happened that there was an ox on the other end of the rope."
mugsgame
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Little Johnny is out in the yard with his dad one day and he sees Dad light a cigarette.
After watching him for a few seconds, Johnny asks, "Daddy, can I have a puff of your cigarette?"
Dad looks at him and says, "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
"No, sir." Johnny answered.
Dad says, "Then no, you can't have a draw off my cigarette."
A short while later, Dad pops open a can of beer. Johnny again watches him for a few seconds then asks Dad, "It sure is hot out here. Can I have a drink of that cold beer?"
Dad repeats the question, "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
Johnny sheepishly replies, "No, sir."
"Well when it does, I'll give you a beer."
Soon after, Johnny pulls some candy out of his pocket and starts eating it. Dad says, "Give me a piece of that candy, Johnny."
Johnny, seeing his opportunity, asks hid dad, "Well, Daddy, does your dick touch your asshole?"
Dad looks at him with a smile and says, "As a matter of fact, son, yes, it does!"
Johnny smiles back and tells him, "Good, you can go fuck yourself!"
After watching him for a few seconds, Johnny asks, "Daddy, can I have a puff of your cigarette?"
Dad looks at him and says, "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
"No, sir." Johnny answered.
Dad says, "Then no, you can't have a draw off my cigarette."
A short while later, Dad pops open a can of beer. Johnny again watches him for a few seconds then asks Dad, "It sure is hot out here. Can I have a drink of that cold beer?"
Dad repeats the question, "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
Johnny sheepishly replies, "No, sir."
"Well when it does, I'll give you a beer."
Soon after, Johnny pulls some candy out of his pocket and starts eating it. Dad says, "Give me a piece of that candy, Johnny."
Johnny, seeing his opportunity, asks hid dad, "Well, Daddy, does your dick touch your asshole?"
Dad looks at him with a smile and says, "As a matter of fact, son, yes, it does!"
Johnny smiles back and tells him, "Good, you can go fuck yourself!"
mugsgame
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Quickie?
I picked up a girl at the bar the other day. She took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
"Oh shit, it's my boyfriend!" she exclaimed, "Quick, use the backdoor."
Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day...
I picked up a girl at the bar the other day. She took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
"Oh shit, it's my boyfriend!" she exclaimed, "Quick, use the backdoor."
Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day...
