Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Daughter: What's a blowjob?

Joan Rivers: $50 and dinner.

 

[mugsgame]

A sad blonde man was sitting at a bar talking to a stranger.

The stranger asks why the man looks so sad.

The blonde asks "Did you know a vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it?"

"Really!?"

The blonde gulps down his drink and says "Otherwise, she just keeps getting pregnant."

 

[mugsgame]

A first-grade teacher asks her class, "Who can tell me the best way to carry two watermelons?"

Little Johnny immediately waves his hand, but the teacher calls on a girl named Suzy instead.

Suzy says, "You carry one in each arm!" "Very good, Suzy!" the teacher says. "Now, who can tell me how to carry three watermelons?"

Johnny is frantically waving his hand again, but the teacher ignores him and calls on a boy named Timmy.

Timmy says, "You carry one in each arm, and you impale the third one on your dick!" The teacher is horrified. "Timmy, that's a disgusting thing to say! I'm going to call your parents! Honestly, I'd expect that from Little Johnny, but not you..."

Johnny jumps out of his seat and yells, "I've got a better idea! I know how to carry FIVE watermelons!"

The teacher sighs. "And how would you do that, Johnny?"

"Easy! I'd carry one in each arm and impale Timmy on my dick!"

 

[mugsgame]

A middle-age man is with his personal trainer in the gym when a drop-dead gorgeous woman enters.

The client notices her immediately and looks to his trainer and asks, “Which machine should I use to impress her?”

The trainer looks at the woman, then at the client, at the woman again, then takes a longer look at the client and responds, “ATM.”

 

[mugsgame]

Teen with long hair asks his dad to borrow the car

Dad says, “Only if you get a haircut.”

The teen argues, “But Dad, Jesus had long hair!”

Dad smiles, “Yep…. and Jesus walked everywhere he went.”

 

[xxkimberlyv]

• What kind of shoes to frogs wear? Open-toad sandals.
• I just built an ATM that only gives out coins. I don’t know why no one’s thought of it before: it just makes cents!
• What happened when two slices of bread went on a date? It was loaf at first sight.
• Why do crabs never volunteer? Because they're shell-fish.
• I had a quiet game of tennis today. There was no racket.
• What's a shark's favorite saying? "Man overboard!"
• What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race? You're toast!
• How did I know my girlfriend thought I was invading her privacy? She wrote about it in her diary.

 

[kccasey]

Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

 

[Nicefella]

A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open minded.

Bravo!!

 

[mugsgame]

Five years after his wife passed away, 70-year-old Edgar married 28-year-old Jessica.

On their wedding night, as expected, they decided to consummate their marriage.

Knowing that it might be an emotional time for him, she performed a slow striptease and then began undressing him tenderly.

As they were about to climb into bed, she looked up and saw tears streaming down his face. Jessica wiped them away and gave him a kiss.

"You must be thinking about your lovely Ruth and your wedding night with her, many years ago," she said quietly.

"Yes," Edgar replied. "But it's not that."

So she said, "Well, then you must be thinking about your last moments together and how much you miss her."

"Of course," Edgar admitted. "But it's not that, either."

Jessica thought for a moment and said, "Then what's wrong, my love?"

Edgar wiped another tear away and moaned, "You're standing on my balls!"

 

[TomthikVA_FL]

You know what the good old days are? That's when your job didn't suck, and your wife did. The joke is on me. and many others.

 

[mugsgame]

Boss: “Do you believe in life after death?”

Employee: “No, why?”

Boss: “Because after you left early yesterday for your mother’s funeral, she came in looking for you.”

 

[mugsgame]

A guy goes to a whorehouse for the first time.

The girl comes in and says, "Are you nervous?"

The guy says, "Yeah, this is my first time."

The girl says, "Don't worry, we have just the thing for first-timers. Here's a menu of all of our services; just pick out whichever thing you would like to try."

The guy looks over the menu and decides to try out 69.

So they get into position and are going to town when the girl farts. He's a little taken aback by this, but continues.

A couple of minutes later she farts again. The guy disentangles himself and starts getting dressed.

"What's the matter?" the girl asks. "Didn't you like that?"

And the guy says, "No offense, ma'am, but I don't think I could handle 67 more of those."

 

[mugsgame]

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul. I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

 

[mugsgame]

Closing her picture book, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time?’”

She responded, 'No sweetie, when you tell me one it starts with: "I swear I didn't do anything!"'

 

[mugsgame]

A girl comes home from school and proudly shows her grandma a dollar.

"Where did you get that?" her grandma asks. "The boys at school paid me a dollar to climb the big tree!" she says. "You silly girl," the grandma scolds. "They only did that because they wanted to look at your panties!"

The next day, the girl comes home and shows her grandma another dollar. "I told you not to do that!" the grandma says. "Those boys are just looking at your panties!"

The girl replies, "I'm not stupid, Grandma. This time, I hid my panties under a rock!"

 

[mugsgame]

When I was a teenager my father and I had the sex talk.

He said, "In thirty seconds my life was ruined so don't make the same mistake!" as he handed me a package of condoms.

 

[mugsgame]

So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says “Teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.”

She replies, “Okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.” But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the students leave the classroom, Johnny makes his guess. “Blue.”

“Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.

“Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.” She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

His dad exclaims: “That motherfucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”

 

[mugsgame]

Sven and Ole

Well, it was Christmas time and Sven decided he’d get his wife something really nice like a fancy perfume. (Instead of a new mop) So they went traipsing down to Marshalls to the perfume counter. A snooty, high class gal was behind the counter. She showed them how to pat a little perfume on their wrist and smell it. They sampled several fragrances and then came to one that Sven really liked.

He asked her the name of it and she straightened up and looked real proud and said it’s “Come To Me.”

Sven sighed and said, "Really?"

Then he held his wrist out to Ole and said, "Smell this, does this smell like cum to you?"

 

[ChatterCock]

Why do priests never win races?

They are always coming in a little behind.

 

[mugsgame]

There was an old couple sitting in the examination room at the local clinic one day when the wife started to yell at the husband. A passing nurse came in to see what was causing the disturbance and was shocked to see the prim old lady swearing and cussing while her husband didn't react at all.

The nurse finally got the wife to stop shouting and asked why she would do such a thing.

The wife said, "The old codger is having his hearing aids replaced and I wanted to get it all out before the new ones get put in."

 

[mugsgame]

How did I know my girlfriend thought I was invading her privacy?

She wrote about it in her diary.

 

[mugsgame]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[Shady_nz]

 

[Ronnie6869]

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?" The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish." "Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish." The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him. The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

Guy walks into a bar orders 12 shots, wow say the bartender what are you celebrating? My first blow job. Well heres one on me. No that's ok if the first 12 don't get the taste out of my mouth one more won't help.

 

[mugsgame]

An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside.

Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.”

So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.”

Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the lot. A bearded man in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?”

She explained, “My daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?”

The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked.

Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!"

The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft."

The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a professional!"