Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Hey Kim ~ I am glad that you were able to have some resolution with the LG situation. You deserve someone who is capable of communication.

Yeah ... it's been difficult to come to terms with the fact that he's fundamentally a dick, because it was all so good for the first two or three months ... and it seems like it should be super easy for it to be that good again. But it takes two, and he clearly can't act like an adult. I honestly don't know wtf is wrong with him (which is also kind of frustrating), but I just need to accept that he's not going to change, and I've done my best to make that work.
It honestly is largely because the sex was so good - if it wasn't for that, I really wouldn't be bothering. But there is other good sex out there.
Ironically I had one of his good mates around here today - a builder who's doing a relatively significant job for me, to talk about the plans, and we had a funny long chat about all sorts of things. I figure there's a 90% chance the next time he sees LG, he'll be telling him he's met just the woman for him. (He's tried to set LG up before, so this has some basis in reality.)

Fingers crossed for tomorrow's date. Totally not my type - he was holding a fish in his profile shot - but he also had a good smile, and there's been a lot of quality banter. So we'll see. At the very least, it'll be good to get out of the house and have a couple of drinks. I try to see a date as just a thing that's fun in it's own right, without there needing to be a specific 'outcome'.
Other potentials further afield as well ... when the big city comes out of this current uber lockdown. The couple mentioned above, and another guy I've been chatting with for a couple of weeks. We've actually met a couple of times, we have quite a bit in common ... the other night he said he wished we could be eating and drinking wine and getting to know each other in person, which was nice.

 

[Paul_Chance]

That is one of the great things about life I think - you never know what's coming around the corner. (Or should that be "What coming's are around the corner".)

It takes a lot of exposure to get to know a person's character/personality/strengths and flaws. I have a little "elapsed hours" test I like to recommend to people when dating and trying to make the decision on whether they want to move in/move much closer in a relationship. Add up the total hours you've spent awake with the other person.

If it's less than a 500 hours ask yourself the question "should I" this way - is a month sufficient time to determine a persons character (16 waking hours for 30 days rounded off to 500 hours). In an ordinary-ish dating relationship - where you're spending a day or two a week together (maybe only parts of the day) you actually don't know another person. You can know parts of them - but you should be cautious that you're doing a lot of projection and expectation on very little interactions.

I think that is why "first road-trip" and "first extended vacation" together are the breakers of so many fledgling relationships. That is often where you get the first glimpsed of their personality when they're tired, frazzled, bored, etc. (when things are not going well). A person can easily be awesome when they're on their game. It's a wee bit harder to be awesome when you don't feel like being awesome.

 

[AnnieLit]

Fingers crossed for tomorrow's date. Totally not my type - he was holding a fish in his profile shot .

Have you ever heard any explanation about this from the guys? For work I am reading a lot of female Tinder profiles and quite often it has the "guys with a fish -- swipe left" line, but I have never seen anybody requesting a picture like that.

And good luck with your date!

 

[KimGordon67]

Have you ever heard any explanation about this from the guys? For work I am reading a lot of female Tinder profiles and quite often it has the "guys with a fish -- swipe left" line, but I have never seen anybody requesting a picture like that.

And good luck with your date!

I actually did ask this guy about the fish thing ... the only response I got was 'It's like how half the women have glasses of wine' (which I didn't know was a thing). Not really an explanation at all.

The date was fine, but I won't be seeing him again. We had a good 3-4 hours, a couple of drinks, a nice meal, talking a lot about social issues ... which is actually a slightly dangerous area, because the problems of the world (and especially poverty, and also gender relations) are a bit of a passion of mine. He was very definitely in the 'poor people just need to work harder' and 'men these days don't know what their role is' camp. And given that he kept pushing that topic, it's not ideal. And in every story he told, he was the good guy and everyone else was clearly idiots. Also, no real chemistry. I've only had one brief 'thanks for a good evening' message today, so he probably feels the same.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I actually did ask this guy about the fish thing ... the only response I got was 'It's like how half the women have glasses of wine' (which I didn't know was a thing). Not really an explanation at all.

The date was fine, but I won't be seeing him again. We had a good 3-4 hours, a couple of drinks, a nice meal, talking a lot about social issues ... which is actually a slightly dangerous area, because the problems of the world (and especially poverty, and also gender relations) are a bit of a passion of mine. He was very definitely in the 'poor people just need to work harder' and 'men these days don't know what their role is' camp. And given that he kept pushing that topic, it's not ideal. And in every story he told, he was the good guy and everyone else was clearly idiots. Also, no real chemistry. I've only had one brief 'thanks for a good evening' message today, so he probably feels the same.

"The Fish Thing" - that's funny. I imagine it's men thinking they need to portray themselves being successful at something outdoorsy and macho, to establish their credibility as a man's man. (Macho, macho man.) It would never have dawned on me to use a fish as a wingman for online dating.

Yeah, sometimes we just don't connect with people, especially around social issues. Having been raised in grinding poverty, most folks who've never experienced it really simply don't comprehend it's far-reaching implications. I haven't been poor for probably forty years - but there are modes of thought and action that were molded by those experiences and that environment that are with me today. Around the economies of poverty most people with no experience don't really grasp that key difference between frictional and structural unemployment. One is "you the individual" can't find a job. The second is "the jobs simply don't exist for you to find".

LOL - and it's also a good thing to keep in mind when considering dating options. In some environments "you can't get a date" is frictional, there are things a person can do to change it. In other environments it's structural (the partners simply are not there, or are severely limited by simple factors like population density). I live in a valley of 1.9 million people within 20 miles of me. As opposed to my younger years where potential dating pool was much, much smaller - maybe a few hundred people within the same 20 miles.

 

[KimGordon67]

"The Fish Thing" - that's funny. I imagine it's men thinking they need to portray themselves being successful at something outdoorsy and macho, to establish their credibility as a man's man. (Macho, macho man.) It would never have dawned on me to use a fish as a wingman for online dating.

Yeah, sometimes we just don't connect with people, especially around social issues. Having been raised in grinding poverty, most folks who've never experienced it really simply don't comprehend it's far-reaching implications. I haven't been poor for probably forty years - but there are modes of thought and action that were molded by those experiences and that environment that are with me today. Around the economies of poverty most people with no experience don't really grasp that key difference between frictional and structural unemployment. One is "you the individual" can't find a job. The second is "the jobs simply don't exist for you to find".

LOL - and it's also a good thing to keep in mind when considering dating options. In some environments "you can't get a date" is frictional, there are things a person can do to change it. In other environments it's structural (the partners simply are not there, or are severely limited by simple factors like population density). I live in a valley of 1.9 million people within 20 miles of me. As opposed to my younger years where potential dating pool was much, much smaller - maybe a few hundred people within the same 20 miles.

This guy was more in the 'I managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps through hard work and careful spending ... I don't see why everyone can't' category, which is almost more infuriating, because I tend to think people from under-privileged backgrounds should have a better understanding of how shit life can be. Also, people *really* don't understand how statistics and likelihoods work ... saying that 'poor people are more likely to have X experience' doesn't mean that you have definitely had X experience because you happened to be poor.

I hear you about the 'poor mindset' though. I still really struggle to spend proper money on things for myself ... things for other people is easier, but on myself it's not so easy.

... and yes. I've pretty much been through the pool of age-appropriate single dateable guys in my area. All one of them. (There may actually be another - I'm trying to catch him on Tinder - but there's probably a 50/50 chance that he's actually single and dateable.)

 

[ultramarineblue]

This guy was more in the 'I managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps through hard work and careful spending ... I don't see why everyone can't' category, which is almost more infuriating, because I tend to think people from under-privileged backgrounds should have a better understanding of how shit life can be. Also, people *really* don't understand how statistics and likelihoods work ... saying that 'poor people are more likely to have X experience' doesn't mean that you have definitely had X experience because you happened to be poor.

I hear you about the 'poor mindset' though. I still really struggle to spend proper money on things for myself ... things for other people is easier, but on myself it's not so easy.

... and yes. I've pretty much been through the pool of age-appropriate single dateable guys in my area. All one of them. (There may actually be another - I'm trying to catch him on Tinder - but there's probably a 50/50 chance that he's actually single and dateable.)

Life can change in a moment and all your hard work can disappear with debt from a medical emergency or really anything. I work hard but I still live in fear of losing everything I have to something catastrophic. Well live in fear may be an exaggeration but I am aware it can happen and while I try to prepare for that, I am often unable to save and do stuff to be prepared for something. I completely understand not being able to be around that as well as having negative options locally.

 

[cookiecat]

Fish in profile pic

Always a red flag

There's a thing going around where women hold dildos like they caught a fish

We need those in our profile pics

(glad there was some conclusion with the LG)

 

[KimGordon67]

Fish in profile pic

Always a red flag

There's a thing going around where women hold dildos like they caught a fish

We need those in our profile pics

(glad there was some conclusion with the LG)

This made me literally laugh out loud.

______________

I'm still pining a bit, but that'll dissipate. I think I still can't quite believe that something so close to exactly what I wanted could just evaporate ... but I guess that's life. No matter how much I want it, he's not going to suddenly come to his sense ... especially now I've really burnt that bridge. I had a good talk with a friend this evening about just being honest about how one is feeling (whatever that might be), instead of being worried you might scare the other person away. Then at least everyone knows what they're actually dealing with, and can make properly informed choices.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Fish in profile pic

Always a red flag

There's a thing going around where women hold dildos like they caught a fish

We need those in our profile pics

(glad there was some conclusion with the LG)

Oh my god - LOL - that is AWESOME! I'd date her. (LOL - just on the sense of humor displayed alone). I get the feeling I am missing out on a whole world of crazy by not having a Tinder profile.

 

[KimGordon67]

Oh my god - LOL - that is AWESOME! I'd date her. (LOL - just on the sense of humor displayed alone). I get the feeling I am missing out on a whole world of crazy by not having a Tinder profile.

You absolutely are.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I'm still pining a bit, but that'll dissipate. I think I still can't quite believe that something so close to exactly what I wanted could just evaporate ... but I guess that's life. No matter how much I want it, he's not going to suddenly come to his sense ... especially now I've really burnt that bridge. I had a good talk with a friend this evening about just being honest about how one is feeling (whatever that might be), instead of being worried you might scare the other person away. Then at least everyone knows what they're actually dealing with, and can make properly informed choices.

You know, after two plus decades of being non-monogamous, that is the conclusion I came too. Be radically honest, that way people know what they're dealing with and can adjust according to their needs. If you're worried about something, get it out there. If somethings bothering you, get it out there. If you're struggling with something, get it out there. The same holds true for the good parts of a relationship - admire them, be amazed by them, and express those feelings.

Most people aren't used to that level of just simple honesty. And yes, you will run into people who can't handle it, but that is just the lay of the land.

 

[KimGordon67]

You know, after two plus decades of being non-monogamous, that is the conclusion I came too. Be radically honest, that way people know what they're dealing with and can adjust according to their needs. If you're worried about something, get it out there. If somethings bothering you, get it out there. If you're struggling with something, get it out there. The same holds true for the good parts of a relationship - admire them, be amazed by them, and express those feelings.

Most people aren't used to that level of just simple honesty. And yes, you will run into people who can't handle it, but that is just the lay of the land.

I suspect LG would have run a mile if I'd been like that from the get-go, but at least that would have happened earlier, before I expended a whole lot of energy trying to make things work without 'making a fuss' (or, in his view, making things 'complicated').
I feel like it's also a good mechanism for lessening the likelihood of things getting bigger than they need to.
I think part of the problem is that sometimes the 'thing' is about some imperfect part of oneself, and needing something to help that part not freak out, or whatever, and we try to keep those imperfect bits to ourselves, at least for the first few months. But maybe it's better to just get it out there - sort of like 'We don't need to go into the whole backstory about why this happens, but I tend to overthink, so it's easier if I can just ask you if I'm a little concerned about something, and you just give me an honest answer - then I can stop worrying about it and we can get on with the having fun'. ... LOL, that sounds so reasonable when I say it like that.

I am actually pretty good at telling people about the things I like about them (with the more casual things, this is usually if there's some they do sexually that I really like). I wonder if years of being a parent has demonstrated the value of positive reinforcement.

So yes - radical honesty might be my new position. Let's see how that goes.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I hope everything is going well with you.

 

[KimGordon67]

Six Months!!!

It's coming up to SIX MONTHS since I last got laid.

Damn you Covid!!! (I know this is a pretty petty reason for hating Covid, and I definitely have more serious reasons for that hatred ... but not getting laid is up there.)

 

[KimGordon67]

On a happier note, here is Lil Nas X covering Jolene (in case you've been hiding under a rock and haven't seen/heard this yet). I love literally everything about this. Everything.

 

[Mtnmike]

It's coming up to SIX MONTHS since I last got laid.

Damn you Covid!!! (I know this is a pretty petty reason for hating Covid, and I definitely have more serious reasons for that hatred ... but not getting laid is up there.)

Ms Kim, I'd gladly swap with you, going on 13 years for me.
Starting to feel like a born again virgin lol.
I am sorry for your situation, a lady wanting should never go without !!!

 

[Paul_Chance]

Yep, COVID sucks, for a wide variety of reasons.

And darn, here I was hoping that your absence was because you'd hooked up with the couple and were lost in a world of sensual abandon!

 

[KimGordon67]

Yep, COVID sucks, for a wide variety of reasons.

And darn, here I was hoping that your absence was because you'd hooked up with the couple and were lost in a world of sensual abandon!

Ha ha. No. They seem to have faded out actually. But even if we were still in touch, Covid restrictions mean we couldn't actually see each other - we're on different sides of an annoying policed border.

I did manage a coffee date with a young man I've been chatting with - also on the wrong side of the annoying border, but I had to be in the big city for child related reasons (which is permitted), and we were able to sneak in a not-entirely-legit meeting. On a park bench, in daylight, socially distanced ... one of the stranger dates I've been on. That seems to be progressing well, inasmuch as anything can 'progress' in these strange times. I am practicing the 'radical honesty' thing too ... after we met, he sort of went quiet for a while, and I thought 'fuck it, I'm not playing it cool - I'll just ask him if he's still wanting to see me' ... he said I was over-thinking things and asked if I did that often, so I just said 'yep', because I do, with a follow up of 'I'm OK if I know where things stand - just not great with uncertainty'.
And he didn't run away!
Unusual (for me) situation - there's been almost no talk of sex at all. He's quite hard to read, but I like him. (I actually vaguely know him through a tangential friend-of-an-ex's-friend sort of situation.)

I had the Local Guy here last week, doing half of my maintenance job ... he's back again this week sometime. That was ... well, kind of pleasant. We had a couple of beers after he'd finished for the day. Still can't work out of the life of me what's going on there, but I've stopped stressing about it. I've said everything I need to say, he knows the situation, I'm not pushing things any more ... there's only so many times a girl can be sort-of-but-not-quite rejected. I think part of it is that he's just one of those guy for whom 'flirt' is a default setting, no matter who he's dealing with. Or there's something else going on ... fuck knows. Anyway, the work he's doing for me looks great, so I'm happy about that.

And summer is wending its way to us. A bit of sunshine makes things much more enjoyable. We just need this stupid pandemic to sort itself out.

 

[sweettalk4u]

Submission

This thread start life in the Fetish board ... I've never been the best at working out where things belong, but it's sort of died out over there. Cookie, who always knows best, suggested I link it here and see if the conversation might continue ... partly, I guess, because I'm trying to get my head back together after my nearly-four-year relationship imploded.
Long story short ... I met the BF while still married, tried to run both things for a while (with everyone's knowledge), but the marriage ended, for largely unrelated reasons, at which point the BF seemed to think it would just be the two of us, but turns out I'm pretty adamantly non-monogamous. We spent two years trying to work through to a point that would work for both of us ... actually, no, we spent about two months trying to do that, and the previous 22 months me waiting for him to start doing that, and then finally pushing the point.
So I put myself on a couple of dating sites, and chatted with a guy I seemed to get on with, and arranged a date - honestly, just a date - and the BF pretty much flipped out. I suddenly realised that if he was ever going to be OK with this - and that's a pretty big 'if' - it was going to be a lot longer to get to that point. Yes, I could have worked through that, but I think once you hit 50, you realise there isn't that much time left to be happy, and you need to grab as much of that as you can.

I miss him terribly, but I'm trying to be resolute, because I know that if we're together, and I'm not being monogamous, at least one of us, and probably both of us, is going to be unhappy. So here I am ... and why is this in the BDSM forum? Because the whole story of getting here is woven in with me discovering the 'submissive' side of myself ... and now wondering what the hell I do about that.

You work out your relationship as best you can and pursue your submission in a D/s with him or someone if possible

 

[KimGordon67]

You work out your relationship as best you can and pursue your submission in a D/s with him or someone if possible

Um ... you've picked up the first post in a FORTY PAGE thread, and just replied to that? That post, which was made years ago, isn't even relevant any more.

Very strange.

 

[sweettalk4u]

Um ... you've picked up the first post in a FORTY PAGE thread, and just replied to that? That post, which was made years ago, isn't even relevant any more.

Very strange.

Gotta start somewhere

 

[KimGordon67]

Gotta start somewhere

I guess ... although if you'd bothered to just skim a bit through the thread, you'd have probably noticed that the 'relationship' you suggest I sort out turned out to be with an actual sociopath, and the final blow up of it all involved me making multiple calls to the police to check he hadn't killed himself (as he was threatening to), and multiple calls to mental health crisis teams.

So ... yeah.

 

[sweettalk4u]

I guess ... although if you'd bothered to just skim a bit through the thread, you'd have probably noticed that the 'relationship' you suggest I sort out turned out to be with an actual sociopath, and the final blow up of it all involved me making multiple calls to the police to check he hadn't killed himself (as he was threatening to), and multiple calls to mental health crisis teams.

So ... yeah.

I’m sorry. Lots of crazy assholes out there unfortunately. But it’s worth the risk to find him

 

[KimGordon67]

I’m sorry. Lots of crazy assholes out there unfortunately. But it’s worth the risk to find him

Okaaaay ... thanks for your thoughtful advice regarding something that happened two years ago, I guess?