Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Anything that has to be done is the dark is the devils work.

That was a saying from when I was young, and religious implications aside, it kind of applies to affairs. If you have to keep it secret, it's usually not a good thing. Unless you happen to be the type of person that loves and thrives on secrets.

I didn't realize it until I read your post, but I agree with your rule of thumb - if you can't answer the phone when I call (understanding that their are times and places where everyone can't answer the phone), then I generally don't pursue the relationship. My approach is the same - if you call, I will answer, if their isn't some intervening life thing going on (in a meeting, already on the phone, etc.), and, again, generally, if I'm in a relationship with you, then be assured you've got "bumping" privileges - meaning I will hang up whatever call I am on so I can answer yours.

I'm still convinced I'm missing out on a whole world of crazy by not being on Tinder, because I find the stories very amusing, often in a train wreck kind of way. But, being a bit of a "normal distribution curve rules reality" kind of guy, it is very true that that unique special unicorn kind of person you're searching for is out there and is actively searching for you, and it's just a question of looking enough.

Or, you can take the Warren Zevon approach. "I appreciate the best, but I'm settling for less, I'm looking for the next best thing."

I honestly don't know how I'd meet anyone now if it wasn't for the internet. I just finished having quite a bit of building work done on my house, which was mostly done by two apprentices with the company who did the work, because it was quite a simple job, but a couple of times a day the foreman would drop round to keep them on track and check what they'd done, in the nicest possible way. I ended up developing a little crush on him, but could not for the life of me work out what to do about that, or even how to find out if he was single or not. Luckily the last visit he did here, we were chatting about stuff, and he mentioned his partner, so I managed to avoid embarrassing myself. But if I'd worked out that he was single, I have zero idea what the next step would have been.
At least if you meet someone on an app, you know they want to date. And if they've swiped right on you, you kind of know they want to date YOU.

While we're on the subject of tradies, a week after the Local Guy had his little hissy - which weirdly did finish with 'I'll drop round for a beer at some point - that's the best I can offer' - I have, of course, not heard from him at all. And have managed to not respond to his shittiness. I'm really really trying to convince myself that nothing is going to change, which totally goes against the stupid bit of my brain that keeps saying 'if you could just have a proper conversation with him and sort things out, it would all be great again'.
It's so irritating how the things we *know* and the things we *feel* can so easily be at odds with each other.

 

[KimGordon67]

So I've just had guy #498 approach me because he 'loves older woman' ... well, actually this one had 'always had a fantasy about playing with someone older'.

Am I the only woman of a certain age who just finds this a bit ugh? I just don't get why guys think we'd be enamoured of the fact that they're into us just because we're 'older' ... that just makes me feel actually old. Be into me because I'm funny as fuck, or smart, or can keep up with you while we're drinking, or because I have awesome taste in music, or because I give great blow jobs ... but not because I'm 'older'.

 

[wicked woman]

So I've just had guy #498 approach me because he 'loves older woman' ... well, actually this one had 'always had a fantasy about playing with someone older'.

Am I the only woman of a certain age who just finds this a bit ugh? I just don't get why guys think we'd be enamoured of the fact that they're into us just because we're 'older' ... that just makes me feel actually old. Be into me because I'm funny as fuck, or smart, or can keep up with you while we're drinking, or because I have awesome taste in music, or because I give great blow jobs ... but not because I'm 'older'.

No you're not. I've had way too many DMs on Fetlife from 25-50s year old guys wanting a good time with an older woman. Personally I find it insulting...although I'm fine with my age...and they're lucky that I don't respond.

 

[KimGordon67]

No you're not. I've had way too many DMs on Fetlife from 25-50s year old guys wanting a good time with an older woman. Personally I find it insulting...although I'm fine with my age...and they're lucky that I don't respond.

Thank god ... I thought maybe I was just being grumpy. My pet sub-peeve in this genre is 'You can teach me so much' ... I mean, really? Don't you think I have better things to do? Just read a freaking book - it's not like there aren't plenty of them.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It's so irritating how the things we *know* and the things we *feel* can so easily be at odds with each other.

I identify with this strongly.

So I've just had guy #498 approach me because he 'loves older woman' ... well, actually this one had 'always had a fantasy about playing with someone older'.

Am I the only woman of a certain age who just finds this a bit ugh? I just don't get why guys think we'd be enamoured of the fact that they're into us just because we're 'older' ... that just makes me feel actually old. Be into me because I'm funny as fuck, or smart, or can keep up with you while we're drinking, or because I have awesome taste in music, or because I give great blow jobs ... but not because I'm 'older'.

Thank god ... I thought maybe I was just being grumpy. My pet sub-peeve in this genre is 'You can teach me so much' ... I mean, really? Don't you think I have better things to do? Just read a freaking book - it's not like there aren't plenty of them.

You’re definitely not the only one. It almost seems like a fetish for some. I tend to like older guys more but it really has nothing to do with age. It’s about maturity and what we have in common. I have met some guys closer to my age as well as younger that have the mindset I find myself attracted to.

 

[AnnieLit]

So I've just had guy #498 approach me because he 'loves older woman' ... well, actually this one had 'always had a fantasy about playing with someone older'.

Am I the only woman of a certain age who just finds this a bit ugh? I just don't get why guys think we'd be enamoured of the fact that they're into us just because we're 'older' ... that just makes me feel actually old. Be into me because I'm funny as fuck, or smart, or can keep up with you while we're drinking, or because I have awesome taste in music, or because I give great blow jobs ... but not because I'm 'older'.

No, you are definitely not the only one!
My standard response to this goes along the lines that him having fantasies about older women is great, but I have absolutely no interest in younger men.

 

[KimGordon67]

How to send a dick pic:

"Just took a photo of my penis and was wondering if you would like to review it."

I've asked if he can hold off until I have the time to give it the attention it deserves.

 

[ShaneoD]

How to send a dick pic:

"Just took a photo of my penis and was wondering if you would like to review it."

I've asked if he can hold off until I have the time to give it the attention it deserves.

This needs to be a pinned comment on any site where guys can send pics

 

[AnnieLit]

How to send a dick pic:

"Just took a photo of my penis and was wondering if you would like to review it."

I've asked if he can hold off until I have the time to give it the attention it deserves.

Ha! Yesterday I sent a completely unsolicited dick pic to a GUY! Obviously, it was not my dick and even not my pic, the whole thing was work related (posing and lighting), but the situation had me laughing for quite some time. Oh, and he is a Dom on top of being a guy. Not my dom and I have absolutely no plans on him in this respect, but still.

 

[KimGordon67]

While we're on the subject of tradies, a week after the Local Guy had his little hissy - which weirdly did finish with 'I'll drop round for a beer at some point - that's the best I can offer' - I have, of course, not heard from him at all. And have managed to not respond to his shittiness. I'm really really trying to convince myself that nothing is going to change, which totally goes against the stupid bit of my brain that keeps saying 'if you could just have a proper conversation with him and sort things out, it would all be great again'.
It's so irritating how the things we *know* and the things we *feel* can so easily be at odds with each other.

I'm giving myself a wee pat on the back this morning, both because I'm keeping up my morning routine of getting out for an early hour long walk (in training for the hike I'm doing over new years eve), and because I have manage to restrain myself from chasing up the Local Guy. It's been nearly a year now since we first met on Tinder ... the first 2-3 months were so great, but really I've spent the rest of the year trying to recapture that time, and clearly it's just not going to happen, no matter what I do. The whole Covid situation has definitely not helped ... if dating out of my immediate vicinity was more of an option, I would have just moved on to something more satisfactory. And also, I haven't had the usual flow of visitors (against, because Covid), which has left me a bit lonely ... I suspect that's a large contributor to why I keep chasing this guy, because it was just nice to have someone around from time to time.

We're moving into the 'living with Covid' phase now, obviously a long way behind the rest of the world. Daily case numbers are still reported, and usually hover around 100 (and yes, I know how laughable that probably seems to anyone who's anywhere else), so the elimination strategy is gone. We're just about to hit 90% of the 12+ population being fully vaxxed, and a new system is now in place where doing a lot of things is based on whether you're vaxxed or not. The border between where I live and the nearest proper city (where my kid also spends most of his time) is about to be dismantled - that border has really been my biggest headache, both because it's made seeing my kid very difficult (I've had one week with him in the last four months), but also because that big city is my most viable dating pool.

So ... I can now start actually seeing the lovely social worker who I've been chatting with for months, and who I had one brief, socially distanced, outdoors, somewhat hung over coffee date with a couple of months ago. Of course, now that everything has loosened up, we're just trying to negotiate the quite usual logistical nightmare that always marks this time of the year, but we'll hopefully get to spend a bit time together in maybe ten days. And then it won't happen again until the new year. He's an odd one, quite difficult to read, and it's sort of strange for me how this distance thing has gone on for so long without ANY mention of sex. But, you know, maybe still waters run deep and all that. Maybe there's some massive reservoir of currently unrealised kink sitting under that calm exterior. Or maybe he'll just be a nice guy to spend some time with.

 

[Bramblethorn]

How to send a dick pic:

"Just took a photo of my penis and was wondering if you would like to review it."

I've asked if he can hold off until I have the time to give it the attention it deserves.

If there's one thing I've learnt from academia, it's to question the expectation of uncompensated peer review.

 

[KimGordon67]

If there's one thing I've learnt from academia, it's to question the expectation of uncompensated peer review.

Although is it really 'peer review' when I don't have a penis myself?

 

[IrisAlthea]

If there's one thing I've learnt from academia, it's to question the expectation of uncompensated peer review.

Funny - read this and somehow this appears in my inbox another place:
https://researchintegrityjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s41073-021-00118-2

15000 years of unpaid work done by researchers all over the world doing peer reviews.

 

[Paul_Chance]

You could always evaluate it on the socio-artistic value scale!

There is a lot of comedy opportunity buried inside dick pics.

 

[KimGordon67]

Funny - read this and somehow this appears in my inbox another place:
https://researchintegrityjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s41073-021-00118-2

15000 years of unpaid work done by researchers all over the world doing peer reviews.

I'm never really quite sure where I sit with this argument. I tend to see reviewing as part of my job, and hence something I do get paid for. (Disclaimer - I didn't read the actual article you linked yet, so maybe this is a point that's made in there.)

 

[KimGordon67]

You could always evaluate it on the socio-artistic value scale!

There is a lot of comedy opportunity buried inside dick pics.

I probably should ask him to send the thing. It seems a bit mean to have such a polite request and then just sideline it for days. It is someone I know ... very long and slightly odd story. We met when we were in our very early 20s, slept together twice (I actually thought it was only once, but he says twice), and then I didn't see him for decades because he went off overseas. Neither of the encounters were particularly meaningful ... just 'things that happened'. We reconnected on Facebook a couple of year ago - he's now in the Netherlands. And he remember the blow job I gave him *vividly*. This was over 30 years ago, but honestly, the level of detail is pretty ... well, strange. Of course, he could have laid other details over the top of the actual memory, as people do. But still.

 

[Paul_Chance]

If you think about it, polyamory is a sort of peer review system. At least you know the person you're getting involved with has the capacity to love and be loved in return (assuming they're the polyamorous one). I've always said I would love to see a peer review mechanism on dating apps. "Paul has been reviewed by 17 dates and has a score of 4.1". Then, maybe get to leave comments for future dates....

Memories a strange and malleable place, that is for sure. I've had people recount events and memories that I was (allegedly) a participant in and I have zero recollection of the event or my recollection is radically different then theirs.

 

[KimGordon67]

If you think about it, polyamory is a sort of peer review system. At least you know the person you're getting involved with has the capacity to love and be loved in return (assuming they're the polyamorous one). I've always said I would love to see a peer review mechanism on dating apps. "Paul has been reviewed by 17 dates and has a score of 4.1". Then, maybe get to leave comments for future dates....

Memories a strange and malleable place, that is for sure. I've had people recount events and memories that I was (allegedly) a participant in and I have zero recollection of the event or my recollection is radically different then theirs.

One of the sites I use, which is predominantly for swingers but has inevitably broadened out to be more of a general hook up site, has a 'vouch' system, where you can leave a review of someone. My previous profile on there had a couple of great reviews. The system doesn't seem to be used so much recently thought ... I guess maybe the pandemic dampened the swinging/hook up scene a bit.

 

[Bramblethorn]

So I've just had guy #498 approach me because he 'loves older woman' ... well, actually this one had 'always had a fantasy about playing with someone older'.

Am I the only woman of a certain age who just finds this a bit ugh? I just don't get why guys think we'd be enamoured of the fact that they're into us just because we're 'older' ... that just makes me feel actually old. Be into me because I'm funny as fuck, or smart, or can keep up with you while we're drinking, or because I have awesome taste in music, or because I give great blow jobs ... but not because I'm 'older'.

My friend once got propositioned by a dude who thought "I've always wanted to have sex with an older woman" was a winning pick-up line. He wanted her to pay for airfare, too.

She was in her mid-20s.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm never really quite sure where I sit with this argument. I tend to see reviewing as part of my job, and hence something I do get paid for. (Disclaimer - I didn't read the actual article you linked yet, so maybe this is a point that's made in there.)

For me it depends very much on the publishing model. I've happily done peer review for non-profit publishers; I see that as being part of a collaborative process. I'm much less eager to provide free reviewing for an enterprise which is making a hefty profit.

 

[KimGordon67]

My friend once got propositioned by a dude who thought "I've always wanted to have sex with an older woman" was a winning pick-up line. He wanted her to pay for airfare, too.

She was in her mid-20s.

Holy crap.

 

[AnnieLit]

My friend once got propositioned by a dude who thought "I've always wanted to have sex with an older woman" was a winning pick-up line. He wanted her to pay for airfare, too.

She was in her mid-20s.

An he was what? 15?

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'm never really quite sure where I sit with this argument. I tend to see reviewing as part of my job, and hence something I do get paid for. (Disclaimer - I didn't read the actual article you linked yet, so maybe this is a point that's made in there.)

As I understood it, they found that a lot of the work is done without the publisher paying and that there often is an expectation that this work is to be on the rewiewers own time.

For me it depends very much on the publishing model. I've happily done peer review for non-profit publishers; I see that as being part of a collaborative process. I'm much less eager to provide free reviewing for an enterprise which is making a hefty profit.

That is a big difference.

 

[KimGordon67]

As I understood it, they found that a lot of the work is done without the publisher paying and that there often is an expectation that this work is to be on the rewiewers own time.

I guess that's the bit I always question - I never see reviewing as something I'm doing in my spare time. It's just part of the job. But then, I'm very bad at ring-fencing my 'work time' (something I think is fairly common). Some times I definitely work way more than the hours I'm theoretically getting paid for, but other times I suspect I'm working somewhat less.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I guess that's the bit I always question - I never see reviewing as something I'm doing in my spare time. It's just part of the job. But then, I'm very bad at ring-fencing my 'work time' (something I think is fairly common). Some times I definitely work way more than the hours I'm theoretically getting paid for, but other times I suspect I'm working somewhat less.

Yup, very common I’d say. I do the same.
And I think that it balances out less than it used to, in many jobs these days.