Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

So, I was originally going to be meeting the social worker (see above) on Sunday for a sort of brunch/lunch thing, because he's working night shifts this weekend, when I'm in the big city ... but now he's managed to swap a shift, and I'm actually going to his place on Saturday evening.
Things I like about this ...
- he made a real effort to swap his shift, so he actually does want to spend some proper time with me.
- he's cooking for me, which is uber cute. And is also making aperol spritzes, which I've never had but sound delicious.
- he apologised today for his house being a bit of a mess (which I'm sure it actually isn't) - I like that he cares about that.
- I MIGHT GET LAID!!!

 

[KimGordon67]

Case in point regarding my frustrating behaviour ... I somehow ended up cycling back around to the Local Guy AGAIN, after we'd spent a bit of time together while he was working here and that all seemed to be really easy and fun. So I messaged and said 'what do you reckon about giving it another go with the drinking&fucking', and he said 'maybe ... I'll come round for beer and see how things go'. Which is a fairly reasonable response. But then the 'coming round for a beer' thing turned into something that never really happened, and my attempts to just ask straight questions, e.g. 'Am I actually likely to see you or not?' were never met with a simply response, and then after me asking that three times over the course of a week, I suddenly get this rant that basically implies I'm harrassing him, and he never committed to anything, blah blah blah. I guess this is what I get for wanting a straight answer to a simple question, although it didn't seem that unreasonable to me. Anyway, I just didn't respond to that. I honestly do not know wtf is going on with this guy, but being nasty is just not necessary.

Hopefully this is finally dead. Two weeks after the LG sent the shitty message he did, I responded saying 'I don't really want to be spoken to like that - I just wanted a straight answer to a simple question, which isn't that unreasonable'. Amazingly, he actually apologised, and said it was probably best to just leave it there. Which is true.
I responded the next day because I felt like I needed to explain the whole mess of the last year ... and that I think I'd finally worked out that there is no 'fixing' any of it. I realised that I actually fell in love with him a tiny bit ... which comes as no surprise to anyone. But talking a friend of mine through her relationship woes made me realise how fucking stupid my own situation was. It isn't going to change. There isn't some magical thing that I just need to work out to make everything better. More importantly HE isn't going to change - even if we did start seeing each other again, it would just end up degenerating into the same pattern, because that's just what he's like, and very very clearly he has zero interest in trying to work out a way to make the situation work. Which is dumb, but I can't make that change.
So what WAS that all about ... really, a lot of it was good sex. I'm such a fucking sucker for the magical penis. And I think I tend to fall in love with guys who are good at fucking (or at least, good at fucking me). Is it actually possible to have good sex with someone *without* some sort of connection? Or do I just need to find guys who are good at sex and aren't emotional dwarves otherwise?

And am I actually turning into Carrie from Sex & the City?

Anyway, time to move on from that (for real THIS time). I actually imagined a conversation today (I imagine a lot of conversations, 97% of which never happen) in which he turned up wanting to see me again, and I actually said "I don't think so Dave - it's just all to fucking complicated for me". And that felt pretty good.

 

[cascadiabound]

Just to make sure I am tracking all of this right, in these various posts, there are 3 different men in question
1) the Local Guy (who was truly a royal asshole to you recently and I am hopeful you really really do mean that you are done with him, cause he is not good enough for you no matter how magic his magic penis is - NOT worth it)
2) the social worker - making dinner for you Saturday night and cares about how messy is apt is
3) the 37 yo possible after the new year coffee date.

All of my following comments are predicated on the above assumptions.

I find myself in a quandry ... having sworn off anyone under under 40 (45, really), I was mucking around in the local swingers site the other day, and thought I'd have a look to see who had profiles who was actually in my tiny beach town (or at least, admitted to being here), in case anyone new had turned up since I last looked. And found a profile of this 37 year old, and for some reason I messaged him ... I think I was thinking that maybe a random hook up would be OK because it's been SEVEN MONTHS. And now I've been messaging with him a bit - nothing particularly meaningful, and not very often - and he seems normal, not pushy ... so do I meet him for a drink? Or is that just ridiculous? And if anything DID happen, how on earth do I negotiate the fact that he has the body of a 37 year old and I ... well, I don't have the body of a 37 year old?

I agree with Paul Chance that you should just go ahead and meet with him... even if he does not turn into a romantic partner, he might just be good company. And you never know who he knows... the long game - lol. Also - I have gotten more flexible about who I want in my life as friends age wise - so maybe expand your idea of what age adult might be a potential partner - or at least make an exemption this time and see what comes. If he knows how old you are, stop trying to anticipate what he is going to think about your body. Why wouldn't a 37 year old be just as able to accept and love your body just as easily as someone closer in age to you.

I've suggested we could get a drink in the new year - I'm actually pretty busy until then. And I also realised that I kind of want to see where things sit with the guy I'm seeing on Sunday (let's call him 'the social worker', because that's what he is). If we're sexually compatible, it feels like this could be a fairly solid thing, and it might be good to establish how the non-monogamy situation works with that.

It's weirdly the first time I've felt like I've wanted to do that - everything else has been so casual and clear from the get-go, it just didn't seem necessary. (I think I said to the local guy, in the early days 'We're OK with seeing other people, eh?' and he laughed and said 'Sure - was it actually too late to be checking that?' It wasn't, but clearly he didn't care.) It's all new territory for me. Any advice on things we should make clear/discuss would be gratefully received.

to be clear - are you soliciting for advice on communication clarity with the social worker guy or the 37 yo guy or prospective sexual partners in general?

It is tricky - how much to disclose/communicate and how soon? Saying too much too soon will scare almost anyone out of the room. But I think it is a mistake to wait too long - in your case to be clear that you are by nature a non-monogamous person. Sometimes you can communicate something like this indirectly in the form of getting to know you anecdotes maybe where you tell something about some prior entanglement triad without getting too explicit about it all. Also... I am too old to want to spend time with people whose company I don't enjoy. If the sex is great, but he can't hold a conversation about things I care about, and conversation about mundane stuff is at least tolerable, then the sex probably will nt be worth it past a one night stand.

So, I was originally going to be meeting the social worker (see above) on Sunday for a sort of brunch/lunch thing, because he's working night shifts this weekend, when I'm in the big city ... but now he's managed to swap a shift, and I'm actually going to his place on Saturday evening.
Things I like about this ...
- he made a real effort to swap his shift, so he actually does want to spend some proper time with me.
- he's cooking for me, which is uber cute. And is also making aperol spritzes, which I've never had but sound delicious.
- he apologised today for his house being a bit of a mess (which I'm sure it actually isn't) - I like that he cares about that.
- I MIGHT GET LAID!!!

YAY to actually getting laid!!! I hope so for your sake.

Hopefully this is finally dead. Two weeks after the LG sent the shitty message he did, I responded saying 'I don't really want to be spoken to like that - I just wanted a straight answer to a simple question, which isn't that unreasonable'. Amazingly, he actually apologised, and said it was probably best to just leave it there. Which is true.
{snip}

Anyway, time to move on from that (for real THIS time). I actually imagined a conversation today (I imagine a lot of conversations, 97% of which never happen) in which he turned up wanting to see me again, and I actually said "I don't think so Dave - it's just all too fucking complicated for me". And that felt pretty good.

Here's hoping you have an opportunity to actually say... "I don't think so Dave - it's just all too fucking complicated for me"

All the best to you as you see this year out and jump in to the next.

Cassie

 

[KimGordon67]

to be clear - are you soliciting for advice on communication clarity with the social worker guy or the 37 yo guy or prospective sexual partners in general?

It is tricky - how much to disclose/communicate and how soon? Saying too much too soon will scare almost anyone out of the room. But I think it is a mistake to wait too long - in your case to be clear that you are by nature a non-monogamous person. Sometimes you can communicate something like this indirectly in the form of getting to know you anecdotes maybe where you tell something about some prior entanglement triad without getting too explicit about it all. Also... I am too old to want to spend time with people whose company I don't enjoy. If the sex is great, but he can't hold a conversation about things I care about, and conversation about mundane stuff is at least tolerable, then the sex probably will nt be worth it past a one night stand.

God, it is all a bit confused isn't it. But yes, your summation was bang on. The social worker knows I'm not monogamous - I brought that up really early in our conversations, because I honestly think there's no point beating around the bush about that - it's a fairly reasonable deal breaker for a lot of people, and no one (neither me nor the other person) wants to invest a lot of time in something if they need monogamy and I clearly can't give them that. But obviously he only knows in the broadest sense ... I feel like we're going to need to have a 'nut & bolts' conversation fairly early in the piece, if just to avoid anyone getting (unnecessarily) hurt. We've been messaging since the beginning of September, but haven't really talked about that ... but it also feels that because of the lack of physical contact, we've been in a kind of holding pattern, so all our conversations have been fairly surface level. However, he does seem like someone who is actually capable of talking about important stuff (unlike the Local Guy, who had an extremely low tolerance for any sort of serious conversation).
My experience of working with these situation is so utterly limited. The only 'real' non-monogamous relationship I've had since leaving my husband was with the sociopathic boyfriend, and he just set so many rules around me having anything to do with anyone else that it was actually impossible (which was clearly his intention), so ironically the only person who fucked anyone else while we were together was him.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I really hope that you had a great evening with the social worker!

 

[KimGordon67]

I really hope that you had a great evening with the social worker!

It WAS a great evening. He made cocktails, cooked for me, we listened to music, drank wine, talked a lot, then went to bed and fucked for a while, and then did a bit more of that this morning, then he had to leave at 7.30 to go to work, and I stayed in bed with one of his dogs (yes, the dogs sleep on the bed). It wasn't the most phenomenal sex, but I'm sort of at the point where 'easy' is actually a bit more desirable then 'phenomenal sex' (given that it doesn't seem possible to have both). And I think he'll warm up ... I suspect it's been a while for him, and the first time you sleep with someone new, everyone's just making sure they don't do anything weird and freak the other person out.
What was really nice is that we did the spooning thing while we were going to sleep - it's been absolutely ages since I did that with anyone where it's felt 'right' - the guy I was seeing last year would, but it just never felt comfortable.
Maybe I'm finally ready for something that isn't just about the sex.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It WAS a great evening. He made cocktails, cooked for me, we listened to music, drank wine, talked a lot, then went to bed and fucked for a while, and then did a bit more of that this morning, then he had to leave at 7.30 to go to work, and I stayed in bed with one of his dogs (yes, the dogs sleep on the bed). It wasn't the most phenomenal sex, but I'm sort of at the point where 'easy' is actually a bit more desirable then 'phenomenal sex' (given that it doesn't seem possible to have both). And I think he'll warm up ... I suspect it's been a while for him, and the first time you sleep with someone new, everyone's just making sure they don't do anything weird and freak the other person out.
What was really nice is that we did the spooning thing while we were going to sleep - it's been absolutely ages since I did that with anyone where it's felt 'right' - the guy I was seeing last year would, but it just never felt comfortable.
Maybe I'm finally ready for something that isn't just about the sex.

That sounds pretty awesome! Hopefully the sex will get even better. Spooning can be really nice but I agree it doesn’t work with everyone.

 

[KimGordon67]

That sounds pretty awesome! Hopefully the sex will get even better. Spooning can be really nice but I agree it doesn’t work with everyone.

I wonder if it's correlated with how comfortable you feel with someone. With the guy I was seeing last year, I never really felt totally relaxed. (I have zero idea how that would have felt with the Local Guy ... spooning or any aligned practice obviously was far too much like commitment.)

 

[ultramarineblue]

I wonder if it's correlated with how comfortable you feel with someone. With the guy I was seeing last year, I never really felt totally relaxed. (I have zero idea how that would have felt with the Local Guy ... spooning or any aligned practice obviously was far too much like commitment.)

That’s interesting to consider. Also interesting to think about why you can instantly be comfortable enough with one person but never with another.

 

[KimGordon67]

That’s interesting to consider. Also interesting to think about why you can instantly be comfortable enough with one person but never with another.

I know. It is weird. I just got to his place and felt like I'd been there before. And when he left for work in the morning, it just seemed totally normal for me to stay - I can't think of the last time I would have done that with someone I'd just met. Maybe the overly friendly dogs made the difference.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I know. It is weird. I just got to his place and felt like I'd been there before. And when he left for work in the morning, it just seemed totally normal for me to stay - I can't think of the last time I would have done that with someone I'd just met. Maybe the overly friendly dogs made the difference.

That sounds really nice and much needed.

 

[bob53]

Kim: Your PM seems to have a good sense of humor:

https://twitter.com/callioperyder/st...94856261730305

Full interview:
https://www.facebook.com/sevensharp/...27553215521918
Twitter clip starts at about the 3 minute mark.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Here's wishing you a happy New Year! (Since my today is your tomorrow, or your yesterday in my today, LOL, it can get confusing.)

Glad to hear things went well on your date.

Yeah, I think there are people and places in this life that when we stumble into them we just feel at ease.

Then, the lyric from the Indigo Girls popped into my mind "But I keep fucking up."

Life is a strange and wonderful journey and I wouldn't ask for it to be different.

 

[KimGordon67]

Here's wishing you a happy New Year! (Since my today is your tomorrow, or your yesterday in my today, LOL, it can get confusing.)

Glad to hear things went well on your date.

Yeah, I think there are people and places in this life that when we stumble into them we just feel at ease.

Then, the lyric from the Indigo Girls popped into my mind "But I keep fucking up."

Life is a strange and wonderful journey and I wouldn't ask for it to be different.

Merry New Year to you too! (If a tad late.) I only just got home from an 11 day holiday yesterday, which included a four day hike! Most unlike me. Through the Queen Charlotte Sound - google that see the views we were treated to every day. 72 kms in four days - I'm not sure what that is in your people's money, but it was LONG. Luckily my friend had booked us on an uber flash trip, so our gear was magically transported from one luxury lodge to the next while we hiked, and we had lovely soft beds and huge bathrooms every night, and ate delicious food. I really don't think I'm a hiker though - Day 4 was not very pleasant. Then a leisurely drive home staying with various friends who live a ways away. Perfect start to the new year.

The social worker is coming to stay tomorrow, so I have a day to get the house in order and work out what I'm going to cook for him.

 

[cookiecat]

Merry New Year to you too! (If a tad late.) I only just got home from an 11 day holiday yesterday, which included a four day hike! Most unlike me. Through the Queen Charlotte Sound - google that see the views we were treated to every day. 72 kms in four days - I'm not sure what that is in your people's money, but it was LONG. Luckily my friend had booked us on an uber flash trip, so our gear was magically transported from one luxury lodge to the next while we hiked, and we had lovely soft beds and huge bathrooms every night, and ate delicious food. I really don't think I'm a hiker though - Day 4 was not very pleasant. Then a leisurely drive home staying with various friends who live a ways away. Perfect start to the new year.

The social worker is coming to stay tomorrow, so I have a day to get the house in order and work out what I'm going to cook for him.

Happy New Year! 11 days of a holiday - and a hike to boot! New year, new attitude?? (maybe just 3 day hikes?)

"I'm such a fucking sucker for the magical penis" - this needs to be a chapter in your autobiography. And maybe this sentiment is sooo 2021?? Something new, different for 2022?

Even though I haven't chimed in much, I've followed along your adventures (and misadventures). So often, what you've written is oh-so relatable. The uncertainty, the questions, the desire for straight talk. It seems like all of this connecting should be pretty easy.

I bought a book on a lark - got it at a thrift store. It's a daily reading about relationships from the guy who wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It seems so cheesy and full of cliched tropes. I planned on giving it to the guy in his stocking at Christmas as a laugh.

The interesting thing is, some of the cliches are based in truth. For example, Jan 5 was "4 keys to creating a mutually supportive and rewarding relationship"

1. purposeful communication
2. right understanding (appreciating our differences)
3. giving up judgement
4. accepting responsibility

Ummm, yeah. Seems pretty elementary. But we had a really great conversation around this.

Anyways. Here's to a more fulfilling and, I think the way to say it would be a more true to ourselves 2022.

 

[KimGordon67]

Happy New Year! 11 days of a holiday - and a hike to boot! New year, new attitude?? (maybe just 3 day hikes?)

"I'm such a fucking sucker for the magical penis" - this needs to be a chapter in your autobiography. And maybe this sentiment is sooo 2021?? Something new, different for 2022?

Even though I haven't chimed in much, I've followed along your adventures (and misadventures). So often, what you've written is oh-so relatable. The uncertainty, the questions, the desire for straight talk. It seems like all of this connecting should be pretty easy.

I bought a book on a lark - got it at a thrift store. It's a daily reading about relationships from the guy who wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It seems so cheesy and full of cliched tropes. I planned on giving it to the guy in his stocking at Christmas as a laugh.

The interesting thing is, some of the cliches are based in truth. For example, Jan 5 was "4 keys to creating a mutually supportive and rewarding relationship"

1. purposeful communication
2. right understanding (appreciating our differences)
3. giving up judgement
4. accepting responsibility

Ummm, yeah. Seems pretty elementary. But we had a really great conversation around this.

Anyways. Here's to a more fulfilling and, I think the way to say it would be a more true to ourselves 2022.

It's amazing how the utterly obvious things about engaging with other humans can escape us sometimes.

I have to say I've found the whole 'radical honesty' approach amazingly refreshing. Instead of spending age agonising over what the 'right' thing to say - i.e. the thing that will be cool, or won't make me seem too needy, or too distant, or whatever - I just say how I feel. Although ... see the below post for a slight issue with that.

 

[KimGordon67]

So I have a slight problem ... things with the social worker are going well. He came and stayed a few days ago, and we had a really good time. I've realised that one of the things I'm enjoying about him is that, unlike many of the guys I've been around the last two or three years, he isn't coming on like a freight train and telling me I'm the perfect woman, only to lose interest two weeks or two months later. We're actually just getting to know each other, and I'm enjoying having him around. I need to get used to his quietness ... I'm definitely NOT quiet, and I have to remind myself that I don't need to fill up every silence. And I'm having to allow myself to enjoy some real affection. I realised the whole situation with the sociopath just made me super-wary of anyone being just *nice* with me, and that's not actually healthy.

But ... he also mentioned that he often suffers from performance anxiety, and this did indeed happen, leading (I guess obviously) to a lack of a hard on. Personally, I really am not phased by this - there's 100 other fun options for us to explore. But it obviously concerns him, so I'd like for him to not worry. I've googled, but all the advice seems to be directed at the person (the man, really) experiencing the 'problem', not their partner. Obviously, it would be great if he could just get an erection, because that's clearly what he wants, but I'm very aware that any attempts on my part to make that happen could just increase his anxiety. He also doesn't seem to like talking about it ... although I don't think not-talking is going to be a viable option. It feels like the more open everyone is about what's going on, the easier it will be to resolve things.

Anyway, any thoughts would be gratefully received.

 

[SlutAddicted]

So I have a slight problem ... things with the social worker are going well. He came and stayed a few days ago, and we had a really good time. I've realised that one of the things I'm enjoying about him is that, unlike many of the guys I've been around the last two or three years, he isn't coming on like a freight train and telling me I'm the perfect woman, only to lose interest two weeks or two months later. We're actually just getting to know each other, and I'm enjoying having him around. I need to get used to his quietness ... I'm definitely NOT quiet, and I have to remind myself that I don't need to fill up every silence. And I'm having to allow myself to enjoy some real affection. I realised the whole situation with the sociopath just made me super-wary of anyone being just *nice* with me, and that's not actually healthy.

But ... he also mentioned that he often suffers from performance anxiety, and this did indeed happen, leading (I guess obviously) to a lack of a hard on. Personally, I really am not phased by this - there's 100 other fun options for us to explore. But it obviously concerns him, so I'd like for him to not worry. I've googled, but all the advice seems to be directed at the person (the man, really) experiencing the 'problem', not their partner. Obviously, it would be great if he could just get an erection, because that's clearly what he wants, but I'm very aware that any attempts on my part to make that happen could just increase his anxiety. He also doesn't seem to like talking about it ... although I don't think not-talking is going to be a viable option. It feels like the more open everyone is about what's going on, the easier it will be to resolve things.

Anyway, any thoughts would be gratefully received.

Consider asking him for oral in a way that emphasizes it as an end unto itself (as opposed to foreplay). Perhaps by saying you don't really feel like having penetrative sex but really want your pussy licked. Or introduce it in a situation where it is just a quickie and oral is the easiest way to keep it quick.

I know that seems kind of vague. I obviously don't know your situation well enough to be specific. But what I am getting at is providing him a path to success and doing it in a way that he doesn't feel as though you regard the oral sex as a consolation prize of some kind because if he feels that way or thinks he is being patronized it will be counter productive.

I have had this problem. My wife found ways of asking me for oral when it wasn't practical to fuck her. Even by virtue of having had a few too many drinks provided me with effectively an excuse for not getting it up. Then by really revelling in my oral attentions she built my confidence back up, which in turn helped address the performance anxiety. It gave me a win so to speak and it gave me confidence that I could please her in more than one way which alleviated some pressure.

 

[KimGordon67]

Consider asking him for oral in a way that emphasizes it as an end unto itself (as opposed to foreplay). Perhaps by saying you don't really feel like having penetrative sex but really want your pussy licked. Or introduce it in a situation where it is just a quickie and oral is the easiest way to keep it quick.

I know that seems kind of vague. I obviously don't know your situation well enough to be specific. But what I am getting at is providing him a path to success and doing it in a way that he doesn't feel as though you regard the oral sex as a consolation prize of some kind because if he feels that way or thinks he is being patronized it will be counter productive.

I have had this problem. My wife found ways of asking me for oral when it wasn't practical to fuck her. Even by virtue of having had a few too many drinks provided me with effectively an excuse for not getting it up. Then by really revelling in my oral attentions she built my confidence back up, which in turn helped address the performance anxiety. It gave me a win so to speak and it gave me confidence that I could please her in more than one way which alleviated some pressure.

Thanks. That's really helpful, and great to have a guy's perspective on how a partner can be supportive.
I think I do need to establish whether the 'problem' for him is that he thinks he's not satisfying me, or whether it's more that it impacts on his enjoyment of sex. The first is, as you suggest, relatively easy to address. The second, not so much.

 

[SlutAddicted]

Thanks. That's really helpful, and great to have a guy's perspective on how a partner can be supportive.
I think I do need to establish whether the 'problem' for him is that he thinks he's not satisfying me, or whether it's more that it impacts on his enjoyment of sex. The first is, as you suggest, relatively easy to address. The second, not so much.

You are welcome.

I suspect that not being able to get hard would impact on his enjoyment of sex. That could create a sort of negative feedback loop where he doesn't expect to enjoy it and is therefore uninspired. Presumably if that cycle can be broken that would largely address the matter. But I would think that loop never would have started if there wasn't some other source of the issue - physically, mentally or emotionally.

I can relate to that negative loop too. My wife engaged in a lot of touching and edging and just generally playful and stimulating physical interaction, which helped make it pleasurable for me even if I didn't ejaculate. Again she made that experience a thing unto itself and one that I could reciprocate, often saying she was too tired for sex - although I think she was bending the truth sometimes just to keep me on an even keel.

 

[KimGordon67]

Well I suspect that not being able to get hard would impact on his enjoyment of sex. That could create a sort of negative feedback loop where he doesn't expect to enjoy it and is therefore uninspired. Presumably if that cycle can be broken that would largely address the matter. But I would think that loop never would have started if there wasn't some other source of the issue - physically, mentally or emotionally.

I can relate to that negative loop too. My wife engaged in a lot of touching and edging and just generally playful and stimulating physical interaction, which helped make it pleasurable for me even if I didn't ejaculate. Again she made that experience a thing unto itself and one that I could reciprocate, often saying she was too tired for sex - although I think she was bending the truth sometimes just to keep me on an even keel.

I do have a bit of experience with guys not cumming ... I'm not sure if that's a common thing with men my age, but the last two guys I had any sort of ongoing thing with almost never came. That's obviously a little disconcerting at first, but they assured me it wasn't about me, and that they were definitely having fun, so I just got used to it, and I kind of like how it encouraged both of us to do things other than straight fucking.

From what this guy said, his last girlfriend really exacerbated the whole situation by telling him that he wasn't 'meeting her needs'. Which is clearly amazingly unhelpful ... I do kind of know her, and I am a little surprised that she said this, so possibly there's a bit more to the whole story, but ultimately that's all none of my business.

We're at a distance most of the time - it's likely we'll only end up seeing each other every month or so. So I thought I might engage in a bit of 'teasing', in a context in which there's no pressure on him to perform (because he's 160km away) ... the odd photo, maybe some phone sex, etc. I did actually send him a random pic last night, which seemed to get a positive response. I think he's generally just a bit awkward with talking about sex in general ... while I'm not in the business of changing people, that's something we might need to work on a little, because the sex is *very* important to me. Without that, we might as well just be friends, and I have enough friends already.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I do have a bit of experience with guys not cumming ... I'm not sure if that's a common thing with men my age, but the last two guys I had any sort of ongoing thing with almost never came. That's obviously a little disconcerting at first, but they assured me it wasn't about me, and that they were definitely having fun, so I just got used to it, and I kind of like how it encouraged both of us to do things other than straight fucking.

From what this guy said, his last girlfriend really exacerbated the whole situation by telling him that he wasn't 'meeting her needs'. Which is clearly amazingly unhelpful ... I do kind of know her, and I am a little surprised that she said this, so possibly there's a bit more to the whole story, but ultimately that's all none of my business.

We're at a distance most of the time - it's likely we'll only end up seeing each other every month or so. So I thought I might engage in a bit of 'teasing', in a context in which there's no pressure on him to perform (because he's 160km away) ... the odd photo, maybe some phone sex, etc. I did actually send him a random pic last night, which seemed to get a positive response. I think he's generally just a bit awkward with talking about sex in general ... while I'm not in the business of changing people, that's something we might need to work on a little, because the sex is *very* important to me. Without that, we might as well just be friends, and I have enough friends already.

Yes we men can be pretty sensitive about our ability to please a woman and anything that draws that into question can have an outsized impact on us. Too often our immediate reaction is to just try harder or bear down or some other such simplistic approach, which isn't particularly effective in this context.

Your idea sounds like a good one, but it is difficult to know as it is so person specific. If he finds it awkward it could exacerbate the issue. Likewise the distance and time between meetings could end up creating expectations leading to anxiety which is also a challenge. I don't say those things to be defeatist - just things to watch for. I'd suggest starting out with things that don't require a response - pictures or maybe links - so he has some flexibility in how they affect him.

Over time I have found that there are certain images, thoughts or ideas that just resonate for some unknown reason and suddenly I am hard. You seem pretty open so I am guessing that he is not too worried about judgment per se, but I think that can always be a factor especially if his confidence has been shaken. He likely has his guar up a bit because of that. I think that to the extent one wants to help someone else let their guard down it is most effective to actually putting oneself out there - leading by example - rather than trying to coax them to do so. IMO making yourself vulnerable is the best way to induce him to do likewise. That is why I think your idea could be effective because it gives you the chance to do that.

 

[KimGordon67]

Yes we men can be pretty sensitive about our ability to please a woman and anything that draws that into question can have an outsized impact on us. Too often our immediate reaction is to just try harder or bear down or some other such simplistic approach, which isn't particularly effective in this context.

Your idea sounds like a good one, but it is difficult to know as it is so person specific. If he finds it awkward it could exacerbate the issue. Likewise the distance and time between meetings could end up creating expectations leading to anxiety which is also a challenge. I don't say those things to be defeatist - just things to watch for. I'd suggest starting out with things that don't require a response - pictures or maybe links - so he has some flexibility in how they affect him.

Over time I have found that there are certain images, thoughts or ideas that just resonate for some unknown reason and suddenly I am hard. You seem pretty open so I am guessing that he is not too worried about judgment per se, but I think that can always be a factor especially if his confidence has been shaken. He likely has his guar up a bit because of that. I think that to the extent one wants to help someone else let their guard down it is most effective to actually putting oneself out there - leading by example - rather than trying to coax them to do so. IMO making yourself vulnerable is the best way to induce him to do likewise. That is why I think your idea could be effective because it gives you the chance to do that.

This is brilliant.

 

[SlutAddicted]

This is brilliant.

Thank you.

 

[LizVegas79]

So is it either or both of your opinion that men get kinkier as they get older?

My husband is starting to approach 50 and although his sexual appetite has slowed considerably since we first met (and that might just be relative to mine since my sexual appetite has definitely been increasing as I get older!), I've noticed a definite increase in his kinkiness - or at least his openness to kinkiness and I'm wondering if that's likely to continue. (I hope so!)