Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

So is it either or both of your opinion that men get kinkier as they get older?

My husband is starting to approach 50 and although his sexual appetite has slowed considerably since we first met (and that might just be relative to mine since my sexual appetite has definitely been increasing as I get older!), I've noticed a definite increase in his kinkiness - or at least his openness to kinkiness and I'm wondering if that's likely to continue. (I hope so!)

I think a lot of people probably become more inclined to experiment, partly because doing the same thing for decades can get ... well, a bit samey. But I don't know if that's a universal thing. I'm seeing zero indication that this new guy has any kinks, although it's very early days yet. Maybe he DOES, and telling me about them is what's making him anxious. (I feel like I'm probably being overly optimistic there.)

 

[LizVegas79]

I think a lot of people probably become more inclined to experiment, partly because doing the same thing for decades can get ... well, a bit samey. But I don't know if that's a universal thing. I'm seeing zero indication that this new guy has any kinks, although it's very early days yet. Maybe he DOES, and telling me about them is what's making him anxious. (I feel like I'm probably being overly optimistic there.)

No, maybe not. Sometimes the quiet ones are hiding the best secrets! That's been my experience, although "sometimes" is the key word in that sentence lol

It seems to me you have a perfect opportunity to push his boundaries a little Kim because you can't be together as often as you like. It can't hurt to try, right? You need to find out sooner rather than later.

True, there is probably some of that but I think you're right, it doesn't apply to everyone. Some people (I've heard lol) simply get tired of sex. Maybe because they've been pretty vanilla their whole life, or maybe because they think they've already tried everything. I guess in my case I'm lucky because I know my husband has NOT tried everything yet. I just hope his curiosity and willingness to be open to new experiences continues rather than fizzle out.

 

[Paul_Chance]

SlutAddicted's comments are pretty thorough.

About the only thing I would add is that if a lover has performance anxiety (and though traditionally thought of as a male only thing, it's not) the best thing you can do is be patient, loving, and reassuring and eventually they'll work their way through it.

Expanding on it a little though, my question is "is it diagnosed performance anxiety" or "self-diagnosed performance anxiety" because there is a massive physical component to sexual arousal and sexual performance and all the psychology in the world won't help with a physical issue. Age, fitness, diet, and specific health issue can all impact arousal. There is an inherent conflict between "doesn't want to talk about it" and "long intimate conversations to work through it".

My advice is usually if there is an issue, and it causes them distress, see a professional. (LOL - which coincidently or not coincidently, has ended a few relationships over the years. People really, really don't want to hear "you've got a problem, you need to see a professional" - though that honest feedback from a lover was what sent me to PTSD counseling and immeasurably changed my life for the better.)

 

[KimGordon67]

It's all a bit redundant now, because it turns out non-monogamous me is not the girl for him. Bummer that he couldn't have worked that out a few months ago, or that we couldn't have had a conversation about the whole situation. But oh well

 

[IrisAlthea]

It's all a bit redundant now, because it turns out non-monogamous me is not the girl for him. Bummer that he couldn't have worked that out a few months ago, or that we couldn't have had a conversation about the whoke situation. But oh well

Perhaps the performance issue was linked to insecurity about the non-monogamy?

 

[Paul_Chance]

I wonder if the thought of a non-monogamous partner contributed to the performance anxiety. I've found a few times that my disclosing that i am non-monogamous, for some people, immediately puts them into the frame of mind that I am having way more sexual partners that I actually am.

On Liz's kinkiness as we age question, I've been thinking about that and I kind of come to the conclusion it's not that we get kinkier as we age, but rather that we become more open about it? I've found that I am far more open about my sex life as I've aged - but not any kinkier. (But I always was a kinky little monkey, so I may not be a good or typical example.)

Over the years I've also noticed that people who are "in your face kinky" tend to be very narrowly kinky. It's the people that are "quietly kinky" that tend to be far more adventurous. The ones where you suspect there might be a kink and then as you get to know them, something truly epic blossoms into view.

 

[phil1955]

I will toss out a couple of comments. As a 67 year old male who recently had prostate surgery, I am definitely dealing with performance issues. Perhaps I will improve as time goes on but maybe not. Fortunately like many older men, I have become a bit kinkier in my dotage so we can still find fun things to do. I am lucky that my wife is not into monogamy so I do not have to feel that she is having to do without and can devote my energy to discovering what her limits might be,

 

[KimGordon67]

Perhaps the performance issue was linked to insecurity about the non-monogamy?

I did wonder about that. But as he utterly refused to talk about any of it, I guess I'll never know.

 

[cookiecat]

I did wonder about that. But as he utterly refused to talk about any of it, I guess I'll never know.

Seems you're better off with someone this closed minded. Still sucks, though

 

[KimGordon67]

I wonder if the thought of a non-monogamous partner contributed to the performance anxiety. I've found a few times that my disclosing that i am non-monogamous, for some people, immediately puts them into the frame of mind that I am having way more sexual partners that I actually am.

Well, yes. And as he came to the decision that he didn't want to be in a non-monogamous situation without actually talking with me about what that might look like, I can only assume that he had developed an entire scenario in his head based on no actual reality. The assumption that non-monogamous people are having rampant sex all over the place is pretty common - it's like people assume if you stop being monogamous, you also cease to have standards. In fact, since I matched with this guy on Tinder, I've slept with precisely zero other people.
At the end of day, his reticence about communicating was going to be a pretty insurmountable problem (and also ironic for someone who is not only a social worker, but also trained as a therapist).

However, I *did* learn that radical honesty is definitely the way to go. I am, for the first time in a long while, NOT sitting here thinking 'maybe if I'd said that instead of this, everything would have been fine' ... even though he made a bit of an effort to insinuate that it was my fault we hadn't discussed the situation. I like how if you're just completely honest, the 'right' thing to say is always pretty obvious. And it leaves little room for regret.

 

[KimGordon67]

Seems you're better off with someone this closed minded. Still sucks, though

Yeah ... I do sort of feel like, even though I was prepared to put in effort to sort things out, the cons kind of outweighed the pro's in this particular situation.

 

[SlutAddicted]

Well it sounds like at least you have clarity. In this type of situation I do believe in your radical honesty point - gentle but direct - so everyone can keep moving with their lives.

 

[LizVegas79]

Radical honesty is almost always the best choice to make in the early stages of a relationship that you hope might go somewhere. Sorry to hear things didn't work out but it's nice to hear you aren't second guessing yourself about it. As the saying goes, there are lots of fish in the sea, right?

 

[KimGordon67]

Radical honesty is almost always the best choice to make in the early stages of a relationship that you hope might go somewhere. Sorry to hear things didn't work out but it's nice to hear you aren't second guessing yourself about it. As the saying goes, there are lots of fish in the sea, right?

Well, there's definitely plenty of fish on Tinder.

 

[LizVegas79]

Well, there's definitely plenty of fish on Tinder.

Isn't Tinder mostly about hooking up? I hear a lot of people talking about it at work.

 

[KimGordon67]

Isn't Tinder mostly about hooking up? I hear a lot of people talking about it at work.

It's whatever you make it, really, like any site. I've definitely known of people who've had long term relationships that started with a right-swipe on Tinder. Pretty much all the guys I've met since I stopped being married have been through Tinder (or similar apps). There's people on there looking for their next wife, people looking for their next fuck, and everything in between.

I think if things don't go well with a match, people are often quick to blame the app. But that's a bit silly ... it's like us blaming the existence of bars for thing not working with a guy we met at a bar 35 years ago. Like anything, Tinder tends to give you results based on the energy you put into it. I've got a pretty clear profile, and I only swipe right on guys who really look like they're going to get on with me (as opposed to many people - probably mostly men - who just swipe right on everyone).

I've currently got ten 'live' matches on Tinder. I'll probably meet up with one of them soon, because he's local - he actually invited me out a few days ago because he was cooking paua (I think you'd say 'abalone'?), but I declined because I wanted to sort things out with this social worker guy before I started seeing anyone else.
Hopefully he has more paua. I definitely not declining the next invitation.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

It's all a bit redundant now, because it turns out non-monogamous me is not the girl for him. Bummer that he couldn't have worked that out a few months ago, or that we couldn't have had a conversation about the whole situation. But oh well

Ah well... not the right person for you. Best to know that sooner than later.

I'm glad that I completely caught up with the thread before going on about my experiences with the husband's performance issues and anorgasmia prior to his prostate cancer diagnosis and following his prostate removal surgery. However, I will take this opportunity to remind everyone reading this that prostate cancer screening is recommended for men over 50. If the man has a family history of prostate cancer or his mom or sister has had breast cancer, earlier screening is recommended. My husband was diagnosed at 49. He's been cancer-free for three years.

Well, there's definitely plenty of fish on Tinder.

I'm assuming that you are referring to the ones in men's profile pics.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

So is it either or both of your opinion that men get kinkier as they get older?

My husband is starting to approach 50 and although his sexual appetite has slowed considerably since we first met (and that might just be relative to mine since my sexual appetite has definitely been increasing as I get older!), I've noticed a definite increase in his kinkiness - or at least his openness to kinkiness and I'm wondering if that's likely to continue. (I hope so!)

Speaking of non-monogamy, in general, and your husband's increasing openness to kinkiness, I love your swingers thread over in the PG.
I live vicariously through those of you who share your experiences there.

I will toss out a couple of comments. As a 67 year old male who recently had prostate surgery, I am definitely dealing with performance issues. Perhaps I will improve as time goes on but maybe not. Fortunately like many older men, I have become a bit kinkier in my dotage so we can still find fun things to do. I am lucky that my wife is not into monogamy so I do not have to feel that she is having to do without and can devote my energy to discovering what her limits might be,

And that's more support for non-monogamy and increasing kinkiness.
Feel free to PM if you ever want to discuss post-op stuff.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I'm like Angelica - the first thing I flashed on was the whole fish pictures in Tinder profiles thing. Hopefully you aren't running into too many fish profiles!

And here I was hoping paua was some kinky sex slang thing!

Your experience is why I am such a proponent of radical honesty as a non-monogamous person - get it in the open, get it out front, and partners who cannot/will not allow it or be it can weed themselves out. No blood, no foul, everyone just shakes hands and walks away gracefully.

It's far better than running into expectations of monogamy after the relationship has already progressed to the point where deep emotional attachments have been formed.

Over the years I have certainly been presented with variations on the "if you have sex with me I expect monogamy", heck I've even ran into the "you'll be monogamous with me, but I don't have to be monogamous with you" (which always gets a firm "uh, no" from me.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm like Angelica - the first thing I flashed on was the whole fish pictures in Tinder profiles thing. Hopefully you aren't running into too many fish profiles!

And here I was hoping paua was some kinky sex slang thing!

Your experience is why I am such a proponent of radical honesty as a non-monogamous person - get it in the open, get it out front, and partners who cannot/will not allow it or be it can weed themselves out. No blood, no foul, everyone just shakes hands and walks away gracefully.

It's far better than running into expectations of monogamy after the relationship has already progressed to the point where deep emotional attachments have been formed.

Over the years I have certainly been presented with variations on the "if you have sex with me I expect monogamy", heck I've even ran into the "you'll be monogamous with me, but I don't have to be monogamous with you" (which always gets a firm "uh, no" from me.

Oh, I'd been up front about it from the very first day we matched. We just hadn't had a proper conversation about what that meant for each of us e.g. whether we'd tell each other about other people we were seeing etc. I was just waiting for the right time to talk about that stuff, as it seemed like a conversation best had in person. I was literally going to raise it next time I saw him.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I’m sorry it didn’t work out. It’s frustrating.

 

[KimGordon67]

I’m sorry it didn’t work out. It’s frustrating.

I actually feel surprisingly OK about it. I do really like him, but there was obviously going to need to be a fair bit of 'work' to be done ... on top of the sexual anxiety, and his issues with monogamy, there was also an ex girlfriend who was problematic. And his general reticence regarding talking was going to make all of these things a bit difficult. I was prepared to work through that stuff, because I did like him, but now there is a little part of me that's thinking 'well, at least I'm not spending summer engaged in a hundred angsty conversations'. And I would prefer someone with a bit of kink in them ... of course, I'll find someone who has that, but they won't want to go to gigs with me, and won't be able to have an interesting conversation about politics.

 

[phil1955]

I actually feel surprisingly OK about it. I do really like him, but there was obviously going to need to be a fair bit of 'work' to be done ... on top of the sexual anxiety, and his issues with monogamy, there was also an ex girlfriend who was problematic. And his general reticence regarding talking was going to make all of these things a bit difficult. I was prepared to work through that stuff, because I did like him, but now there is a little part of me that's thinking 'well, at least I'm not spending summer engaged in a hundred angsty conversations'. And I would prefer someone with a bit of kink in them ... of course, I'll find someone who has that, but they won't want to go to gigs with me, and won't be able to have an interesting conversation about politics.

I am surprised that you have such a hard time finding a man who is OK with a non monogamous relationship. Usually it is the man searching for a woman willing to let him play around. At least it is on our side of the world. I have not thought of your area as being overly conservative but I have not lived there. Perhaps you bring out the male nesting instinct in guys. My wife has found 3 guys in the past 3 years willing to have a non exclusive relationship. Of course she is married so that so perhaps that dashes any thoughts of an exclusive relationship right up front. I do hope you find a nice guy that meets your criteria. There have to be some out there.

 

[KimGordon67]

I am surprised that you have such a hard time finding a man who is OK with a non monogamous relationship. Usually it is the man searching for a woman willing to let him play around. At least it is on our side of the world. I have not thought of your area as being overly conservative but I have not lived there. Perhaps you bring out the male nesting instinct in guys. My wife has found 3 guys in the past 3 years willing to have a non exclusive relationship. Of course she is married so that so perhaps that dashes any thoughts of an exclusive relationship right up front. I do hope you find a nice guy that meets your criteria. There have to be some out there.

The problem isn't really finding guys who are OK with non-monogamy. It's finding guys who are OK. I'm pretty particular and a little left of centre, so I'm not really very compatible with most of the guys out there. I mean, I can have a conversation with them ... well, most of them. But probably just one. Also, I'm in a small town, and the wider area is mostly farming communities, which adds to the problem. I'd certainly have more luck in the nearest large city, which is only a couple of hours away, but most of the guys who live there don't want someone who lives two hours away, and they have that option because they're in the big city.

There's a fairly significant number of guys who I connect with somehow, who immediately say 'oh yeah, we have so much in common - I like good sex too' or 'I don't want monogamy either'. Which is great, but it's not really enough.

The social worker was a pretty good match for me in a lot of ways - we're really aligned politically, we're into a lot of the same music, movies, etc, we both enjoy cooking (which seems irrelevant if you're not into food, but if you DO like cooking, having someone else around who also finds that a joy is great), etc etc. I don't need ALL those things in a guy - the local tradie didn't really tick any of those boxes, but we somehow found a lot of stuff to talk about anyway, and the sex was phenomenal, and we fucked a lot, so there was also that.

So anyway, there does just need to be *something* else, some way I can connect with whatever guy it is. I don't think this is particularly unusual.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I actually feel surprisingly OK about it. I do really like him, but there was obviously going to need to be a fair bit of 'work' to be done ... on top of the sexual anxiety, and his issues with monogamy, there was also an ex girlfriend who was problematic. And his general reticence regarding talking was going to make all of these things a bit difficult. I was prepared to work through that stuff, because I did like him, but now there is a little part of me that's thinking 'well, at least I'm not spending summer engaged in a hundred angsty conversations'. And I would prefer someone with a bit of kink in them ... of course, I'll find someone who has that, but they won't want to go to gigs with me, and won't be able to have an interesting conversation about politics.

I understand that. Hopefully you’ll find someone that checks all the boxes soon.