Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Music (in all it's forms) is powerful stuff. Glad to here he had the right answer! Also, finger-crossed this works into a steady, satisfying thing - at whatever level the two of you decide on.

Yes, I have my fingers and toes crossed too. I'm trying to work out how to approach things so as to avoid the mess that happened with the local guy ... mostly I think that involves implementing Radical Honesty. He is definitely not doing the message-bombing that happened at the beginning of that last thing, which is good - lovely those it is to get 20+ messages a day from someone you like, it's also very fucking confusing if they don't really like you as much you do them.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Judging from the feedback I’ve had from partners, technique number two doesn’t seem very well known and the part of the penis involved seems to be neglected a lot.

I'd agree, not to mention it gets close to the anus - which is a whole other area that many people neglect and there are a variety of techniques to use both the sensitivity of the anus and the "taboo" factor to enhance oral sex for both partners.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I have used very similar techniques but want to try each one specifically focusing on those techniques. Thank you so much for sharing them.

Let us know how it works for you and your partner, I'd be curious.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Yes, I have my fingers and toes crossed too. I'm trying to work out how to approach things so as to avoid the mess that happened with the local guy ... mostly I think that involves implementing Radical Honesty. He is definitely not doing the message-bombing that happened at the beginning of that last thing, which is good - lovely those it is to get 20+ messages a day from someone you like, it's also very fucking confusing if they don't really like you as much you do them.

As you know, I'm a huge advocate of radical honesty, especially in relationships.

I'm always kind of distrustful of people who "love bomb" (or attention bomb) me. To often in my experience it's an "attention" distracting kind of thing - as in "look here, not there". I think the level of attention should be proportionate to the intensity and intimacy of the relationship.

 

[KimGordon67]

As you know, I'm a huge advocate of radical honesty, especially in relationships.

I'm always kind of distrustful of people who "love bomb" (or attention bomb) me. To often in my experience it's an "attention" distracting kind of thing - as in "look here, not there". I think the level of attention should be proportionate to the intensity and intimacy of the relationship.

So yes ... I saw Geologist Guy today and there was more fantastic sex. So great when you find someone you just click with sexually. He's SO enthusiastic - it's just so much fun.
And as we were finishing up for the day, we talked about when we might meet next week, and when we'd worked out Wednesday was the best, in the spirit of being up front about things I just said 'This make me happy. I really don't need a lot, but I'm better if I some certainty about things', and he said 'like, being certain that I'm coming back' and I said 'yes, exactly that'. Somehow in 6 months of seeing the Local Guy, I could never quite article that, but today it just came out like the easiest thing, and he (at least seemed to) totally got it. It also means I feel OK about NOT having the attention bombing. We have a plan, I know what the plan is, we're both happy with the plan, and I can just get on with my life without constantly wondering if he will/wants to see me again.

Promisingly, we edged around the kink a bit too. He's quite ... I can't think of the right term, but 'handsy' springs to mind. He just sort of puts me where he wants me, and often holds me there, which I love - there's a level of confidence in that I find incredibly attractive, but he's also very attentive to making sure I'm all good - he asks me if I'm OK often, which is also really nice. And I noticed he did that a bit when he was really holding me down, fucking me from behind and I wondered if it was some way I was reacting. So I just said 'I have a bit of a submissive streak, so if you hold me down, I might react a little unexpectedly ... like, go limp or something like that' ... and I definitely get the feeling he's going to run with that. It's funny how sometimes you can just tell if someone has a bit of a dom streak in them, even if they're not necessarily aware of it themselves.

On the blow job front ... he's very definitely a deep throat guy.

It's just so great meeting someone who's really open talking about sex AND the other stuff that happens around the sex.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Sounds like things are going well!

 

[slutindianwife]

Sex fuckin complicates life more than it already is!

 

[AnnieLit]

So yes ... I saw Geologist Guy today and there was more fantastic sex. So great when you find someone you just click with sexually. He's SO enthusiastic - it's just so much fun.
And as we were finishing up for the day, we talked about when we might meet next week, and when we'd worked out Wednesday was the best, in the spirit of being up front about things I just said 'This make me happy. I really don't need a lot, but I'm better if I some certainty about things', and he said 'like, being certain that I'm coming back' and I said 'yes, exactly that'. Somehow in 6 months of seeing the Local Guy, I could never quite article that, but today it just came out like the easiest thing, and he (at least seemed to) totally got it. It also means I feel OK about NOT having the attention bombing. We have a plan, I know what the plan is, we're both happy with the plan, and I can just get on with my life without constantly wondering if he will/wants to see me again.

Promisingly, we edged around the kink a bit too. He's quite ... I can't think of the right term, but 'handsy' springs to mind. He just sort of puts me where he wants me, and often holds me there, which I love - there's a level of confidence in that I find incredibly attractive, but he's also very attentive to making sure I'm all good - he asks me if I'm OK often, which is also really nice. And I noticed he did that a bit when he was really holding me down, fucking me from behind and I wondered if it was some way I was reacting. So I just said 'I have a bit of a submissive streak, so if you hold me down, I might react a little unexpectedly ... like, go limp or something like that' ... and I definitely get the feeling he's going to run with that. It's funny how sometimes you can just tell if someone has a bit of a dom streak in them, even if they're not necessarily aware of it themselves.

On the blow job front ... he's very definitely a deep throat guy.

It's just so great meeting someone who's really open talking about sex AND the other stuff that happens around the sex.

I am so happy for you!

Having a plan and knowing that it works for everyone - it is SUCH a comforting thing! No guessing, no theories, no wondering why he is not texting/calling five times a day. Because he will be here next Wednesday at 6. That's it. So easy, but somehow most people don't get it.

 

[KimGordon67]

I got some nicely detailed blowjob feedback in an early morning text exchange today ... "When you stay on it, then come up for air, saliva everywhere.....that's bloody hot young lady". (Yes, he calls me 'young lady'.)

 

[Paul_Chance]

I got some nicely detailed blowjob feedback in an early morning text exchange today ... "When you stay on it, then come up for air, saliva everywhere.....that's bloody hot young lady". (Yes, he calls me 'young lady'.)

Good feedback! I'm glad you met someone who seems to be able to communicate in the sexual realm, that's always good to find.

 

[KimGordon67]

It is good to find ... I'm just find him easy in a lot of ways. He doesn't shy away from things that come up (like, how often we might see each other). And it's been a while since I've been this comfortable being naked with someone.
Things that happened last Wednesday ... we made porn. He videoed me giving him a blow job (and also one or two other things). I've cut and cropped a still out of it for posting ... maybe I'll stick it in here somewhere.
We also talked a little bit around the d/s stuff. I tried to explain how it feels when he whacks my bum while we're fucking ... always difficult to express that feeling in words. (Has anyone else ever managed to articulate that?) And he had his hand around my throat at one point, which I always love. I did a quick check-in about stopping if I said stop ... we probably need to have a fuller conversation around that stuff at some point. And I realised I'm holding back a bit, because I don't want to suddenly drop (the only word I can think to use here), because I don't really know him well enough to be sure that he'll know how to respond, or that he even really knows how that happens for the person who's on the s side of the equation. But it feels good to be even just thinking about these things, and talking about it a little bit.

I also decided that one of the hottest things a guy can say is 'I don't want to cum yet'. (One of MANY hot things a guy can say ... Geologist Guy also says 'good girl' to me. I've really struggled with that in the past, but now it feels good.)

 

[ultramarineblue]

It is good to find ... I'm just find him easy in a lot of ways. He doesn't shy away from things that come up (like, how often we might see each other). And it's been a while since I've been this comfortable being naked with someone.
Things that happened last Wednesday ... we made porn. He videoed me giving him a blow job (and also one or two other things). I've cut and cropped a still out of it for posting ... maybe I'll stick it in here somewhere.
We also talked a little bit around the d/s stuff. I tried to explain how it feels when he whacks my bum while we're fucking ... always difficult to express that feeling in words. (Has anyone else ever managed to articulate that?) And he had his hand around my throat at one point, which I always love. I did a quick check-in about stopping if I said stop ... we probably need to have a fuller conversation around that stuff at some point. And I realised I'm holding back a bit, because I don't want to suddenly drop (the only word I can think to use here), because I don't really know him well enough to be sure that he'll know how to respond, or that he even really knows how that happens for the person who's on the s side of the equation. But it feels good to be even just thinking about these things, and talking about it a little bit.

I also decided that one of the hottest things a guy can say is 'I don't want to cum yet'. (One of MANY hot things a guy can say ... Geologist Guy also says 'good girl' to me. I've really struggled with that in the past, but now it feels good.)

It can be hard to accept things to go easy and well when things went downhill with someone in the past. I’m so glad things are working well.

 

[Paul_Chance]

It is good to find ... I'm just find him easy in a lot of ways. He doesn't shy away from things that come up (like, how often we might see each other). And it's been a while since I've been this comfortable being naked with someone.
Things that happened last Wednesday ... we made porn. He videoed me giving him a blow job (and also one or two other things). I've cut and cropped a still out of it for posting ... maybe I'll stick it in here somewhere.
We also talked a little bit around the d/s stuff. I tried to explain how it feels when he whacks my bum while we're fucking ... always difficult to express that feeling in words. (Has anyone else ever managed to articulate that?) And he had his hand around my throat at one point, which I always love. I did a quick check-in about stopping if I said stop ... we probably need to have a fuller conversation around that stuff at some point. And I realised I'm holding back a bit, because I don't want to suddenly drop (the only word I can think to use here), because I don't really know him well enough to be sure that he'll know how to respond, or that he even really knows how that happens for the person who's on the s side of the equation. But it feels good to be even just thinking about these things, and talking about it a little bit.

I also decided that one of the hottest things a guy can say is 'I don't want to cum yet'. (One of MANY hot things a guy can say ... Geologist Guy also says 'good girl' to me. I've really struggled with that in the past, but now it feels good.)

I think that part of "explaining how something feels" is one of the more difficult aspects of communication, not just in the sexual arena. Most importantly, it sounds like you've met someone who is curious and communicative, always great traits.

 

[IrisAlthea]

We also talked a little bit around the d/s stuff. I tried to explain how it feels when he whacks my bum while we're fucking ... always difficult to express that feeling in words. (Has anyone else ever managed to articulate that?) And he had his hand around my throat at one point, which I always love.

Reading this in Pauls quote, after having recently read Cookies post about adrenalin high post play (in Random Musings), made me remember discussing ”that” feeling on another board far away and long ago.
I would describe it as that moment when you go over the edge on a roller coaster.
Different activities (and different people/relationships) fall on different parts of the scale between ”Oh, shit!” and ”Whew, probably going to live!”
Not every kinky activity falls on that scale for me but your examples certainly do.

I remember being told that I was doing it wrong and that fear should not be a part of it. Fear is certainly part of it for me - milage certainly seems to vary.

 

[KimGordon67]

Reading this in Pauls quote, after having recently read Cookies post about adrenalin high post play (in Random Musings), made me remember discussing ”that” feeling on another board far away and long ago.
I would describe it as that moment when you go over the edge on a roller coaster.
Different activities (and different people/relationships) fall on different parts of the scale between ”Oh, shit!” and ”Whew, probably going to live!”
Not every kinky activity falls on that scale for me but your examples certainly do.

I remember being told that I was doing it wrong and that fear should not be a part of it. Fear is certainly part of it for me - milage certainly seems to vary.

I like this analogy ... and like the roller coaster, where we know we're obviously safe, but it doesn't feel that way, it's all a bit of a mind trick. I actually did have a flash of what felt like 'real' fear yesterday - my hands were cuffed behind my back, and I was lying on my back with the head off the bed and his cock waaaaaaay deep and I suddenly realised I needed to breathe but couldn't work out how the fuck I could make that happen. I mean, obviously I did because here I am typing - it was just a nanosecond thing. I might need to think about that ... maybe we've gone a bit further than I would necessarily want this early in the piece. That might be a 'I need to get to know you a bit better' thing.

And so yes, we obviously went down the d/s path a tiny bit more. Nothing very out of the ordinary, just some handcuffs (and maybe a little more breath play - I've actually sent him a link for how to do that a little more safely). But I was thinking about how I react when someone holds me down in the context of sex, or someone puts handcuffs on me. How it's an almost instant switch in my head in reaction to something that I'm feel like many other (non-submissive) people approach as 'just a bit of fun'. Obviously it's still *fun*, but it just feel qualitatively different from what I imagine many other people feel ... and trying to work out how to describe that feeling.

I think we'll finally get to have a sleep over in a bit over a week, which might be a good chance to bring up some of these things. At the moment it's just a few hours we grab during the day while his kid is at school, so time always feels a bit precious. But his kid spends the school holidays with the mother, so we can have some proper time together, which'll be good.

 

[AnnieLit]

I remember being told that I was doing it wrong and that fear should not be a part of it. Fear is certainly part of it for me - milage certainly seems to vary.

Really?! Was the person telling you that on the D side or s? Were they into any pain play at all? Because almost everything I can think of in the D/s world is in some way connected the fear. Fear of pain. Fear of going too far. Fear of not being allowed to go as far as you need to. Fear of never ever being allowed to cum again, etc. Plus breath and knife play that have nothing but fear in them.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Really?! Was the person telling you that on the D side or s? Were they into any pain play at all? Because almost everything I can think of in the D/s wirld is in some way connected the fear. Fear of pain. Fear of going too far. Fear of not being allowed to go as far as you need to. Fear of never ever being allowed to cum again, etc. Plus breath and knife play that have nothing but fear in them.

It was a submissive woman who got some other people along.
I think there was some percived (by her) competition and we were coming from very different places to some of the same things.
She’s the kind who advocates for kink just being another, slightly more hip version of good, clean, healthy, fun. Fear and adrenaline didn’t fit in, I guess.

 

[AnnieLit]

It was a submissive woman who got some other people along.
I think there was some percived (by her) competition and we were coming from very different places to some of the same things.
She’s the kind who advocates for kink just being another, slightly more hip version of good, clean, healthy, fun. Fear and adrenaline didn’t fit in, I guess.

I think there might be a big difference between pure kink and D/s relationship that includes kink. What is being promoted right now everywhere you look is adding a bit of kink to basically vanilla relationships - a collar as an accessory, but without any ownership implications; a pair of fluffy velcro cuffs that are not really doing anything, but can work for pretend play; a flogger made out of I don't know what, but it falls apart if one makes a mistake of trying to actually use it (ask me how I know ).

I am a boudoir photographer and read a lot of trade groups where photographers talk about equipment, sets, marketing, lighting, and everything else related to photographing anything from lingerie portraits to nudes to erotica to OnlyFans material. And every now and then they start talking about "50 shades styled shoots". And this shit sells! Women come in and pay big money to play with toys for the camera. Do they have the slightest idea about the D/s side of it? No. Unfortunately, neither do most of the photographers. Just the other day there was a question from somebody: "I have a couple that wants to use a spreader bar in a session. I just bought one for the shoot, but have zero experience with it and neither do they. What poses would you recommend?" I know what posses would I recommend - none! Get one for home use, try it out a few times, see how both of you like it, only then can we talk about using it in a shoot. That answer did not go over well - neither the OP, nor others there understood why I was so much against the idea of putting a woman in such a vulnerable position for the first time in her life in front of a complete stranger (me).

 

[IrisAlthea]

Just the other day there was a question from somebody: "I have a couple that wants to use a spreader bar in a session. I just bought one for the shoot, but have zero experience with it and neither do they. What poses would you recommend?"

Kind of hard to understand why someone would request pictures with a spreader bar, unless the have an idea of what kind of poses they’d want it for.

The thing I was talking to was pre-50shades. It was more about the true, community approved, rule book way, as I remember it.

 

[AnnieLit]

Kind of hard to understand why someone would request pictures with a spreader bar, unless the have an idea of what kind of poses they’d want it for.

Oh, it is very common thing with any prop that they want to use in the pictures, but have no idea how to use incorporate it. The most common would be the sport stuff: "my bf is a big basketball fan, can I bring a ball with me?" Em... Yes, you can. Now I have to figure out how do I make it look the least out of place with you wearing almost nothing

With bdsm stuff it's the same: they might have read about it somewhere, seen a video or two, so they have the general idea of what it does, but the photographer was asking for specific examples because she needed to know what angels she will need to shoot from - do I go high and use a ladder? Do I go low and shoot almost from the floor? Do I shoot mainly from his side? Her side?
That sort of things, the technical side of the shoot.

Clients will not know the answers even if they had been using the spreader for years, but at least I could be sure that they are ok with the whole situation, that the s-side will not be freaking out 2 min into the shoot and the supposedly d-side will know what to do if for whatever reason she does. Because I absolutely do not want to be in a situation when I see that one partner is not ok with what is going on, but the other one has no clue and wants to go on. Not on purpose, but because they are doing something so new to them, that they get overexcited by it and are not used to the central D/s idea that the comfort of their partner comes first.

The thing I was talking to was pre-50shades. It was more about the true, community approved, rule book way, as I remember it.

That's easy!
1. - 10. Consent
11. Education on both sides - know what you are getting into and know what the safe practice is for that activity.
12 - 20. Ongoing consent
21. Do not do intentional harm.

Did I miss anything?

 

[IrisAlthea]

Oh, it is very common thing with any prop that they want to use in the pictures, but have no idea how to use incorporate it. The most common would be the sport stuff: "my bf is a big basketball fan, can I bring a ball with me?" Em... Yes, you can. Now I have to figure out how do I make it look the least out of place with you wearing almost nothing.

The only thing that comes to mind, is next to a broken window, looking dizzy.

the photographer was asking for specific examples because she needed to know what angels she will need to shoot from - do I go high and use a ladder? Do I go low and shoot almost from the floor? Do I shoot mainly from his side? Her side?
That sort of things, the technical side of the shoot.

Ah, I get needing to figure that out in advance.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I like this analogy ... and like the roller coaster, where we know we're obviously safe, but it doesn't feel that way, it's all a bit of a mind trick. I actually did have a flash of what felt like 'real' fear yesterday - my hands were cuffed behind my back, and I was lying on my back with the head off the bed and his cock waaaaaaay deep and I suddenly realised I needed to breathe but couldn't work out how the fuck I could make that happen. I mean, obviously I did because here I am typing - it was just a nanosecond thing. I might need to think about that ... maybe we've gone a bit further than I would necessarily want this early in the piece. That might be a 'I need to get to know you a bit better' thing.

And so yes, we obviously went down the d/s path a tiny bit more. Nothing very out of the ordinary, just some handcuffs (and maybe a little more breath play - I've actually sent him a link for how to do that a little more safely). But I was thinking about how I react when someone holds me down in the context of sex, or someone puts handcuffs on me. How it's an almost instant switch in my head in reaction to something that I'm feel like many other (non-submissive) people approach as 'just a bit of fun'. Obviously it's still *fun*, but it just feel qualitatively different from what I imagine many other people feel ... and trying to work out how to describe that feeling.

I think we'll finally get to have a sleep over in a bit over a week, which might be a good chance to bring up some of these things. At the moment it's just a few hours we grab during the day while his kid is at school, so time always feels a bit precious. But his kid spends the school holidays with the mother, so we can have some proper time together, which'll be good.

I think you have your thumb on it - it's all a bit of a mind trick. What works for one person doesn't do anything for another person.

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, that just all crashed and burned. I caught up with Geologist Guy last Friday (like, the Friday before Good Friday), and we had an awesome time, he was lovely, the sex was great, everything was great. As I was leaving he said to message when I got home so he knew I'd got there safely, which I thought was very sweet ... and then over the weekend something felt a bit off. We usually exchanged messages most days, but he just didn't respond to anything. So by Tuesday morning I asked him and he said he'd 'lost the feeling for our little relationship'. We exchanged a few more messages, because I was honestly totally confused about what the fuck had happened there, and he says he was only wanting NSA fun, but he could see it 'meant more' to me. I suggested that maybe if he was just looking to get laid, he might be a bit clearer about that, and not start getting affectionate, because that is just fucking confusing ... but apparently I'd 'misconstrued' all the nice things he'd said to. I got a little shitty at that point ... suffice to say that I don't expect I'll be seeing that geologist again.
Slightly annoyed that I trusted him - he has video and photos where I'm clearly identifiable, which he promised to delete ... but clearly what he says is not the most reliable indicator of things. Also a little bummed because I thought I'd finally found someone who got what I was looking for. But apparently not.
Honestly, I don't know wtf is wrong with these guys.

 

[AnnieLit]

he says he was only wanting NSA fun, but he could see it 'meant more' to me. I suggested that maybe

Sorry this happened
I think what he said is a code for "I wanted a little fun, but it looks like I am getting too attached, so I better run".

 

[KimGordon67]

Sorry this happened
I think what he said is a code for "I wanted a little fun, but it looks like I am getting too attached, so I better run".

Or alternatively it's code for 'I'm a dick'.