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Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

KimGordon67 said:
Well, that just all crashed and burned. I caught up with Geologist Guy last Friday (like, the Friday before Good Friday), and we had an awesome time, he was lovely, the sex was great, everything was great. As I was leaving he said to message when I got home so he knew I'd got there safely, which I thought was very sweet ... and then over the weekend something felt a bit off. We usually exchanged messages most days, but he just didn't respond to anything. So by Tuesday morning I asked him and he said he'd 'lost the feeling for our little relationship'. We exchanged a few more messages, because I was honestly totally confused about what the fuck had happened there, and he says he was only wanting NSA fun, but he could see it 'meant more' to me. I suggested that maybe if he was just looking to get laid, he might be a bit clearer about that, and not start getting affectionate, because that is just fucking confusing ... but apparently I'd 'misconstrued' all the nice things he'd said to. I got a little shitty at that point ... suffice to say that I don't expect I'll be seeing that geologist again.
Slightly annoyed that I trusted him - he has video and photos where I'm clearly identifiable, which he promised to delete ... but clearly what he says is not the most reliable indicator of things. Also a little bummed because I thought I'd finally found someone who got what I was looking for. But apparently not.
Honestly, I don't know wtf is wrong with these guys.
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I’m sorry to hear that, Kim!

I think it is easier to find people who either want a relationship or no strings attached fun. At least on the surface of it, people are probably more on the same page on what those two types of interactions entail.

What you are looking for is perhaps more difficult to define and to me personally, it reads as something that needs to develop organically.
I might just be reading you wrong or projecting things though.
 
KimGordon67 said:
Well, that just all crashed and burned. I caught up with Geologist Guy last Friday (like, the Friday before Good Friday), and we had an awesome time, he was lovely, the sex was great, everything was great. As I was leaving he said to message when I got home so he knew I'd got there safely, which I thought was very sweet ... and then over the weekend something felt a bit off. We usually exchanged messages most days, but he just didn't respond to anything. So by Tuesday morning I asked him and he said he'd 'lost the feeling for our little relationship'. We exchanged a few more messages, because I was honestly totally confused about what the fuck had happened there, and he says he was only wanting NSA fun, but he could see it 'meant more' to me. I suggested that maybe if he was just looking to get laid, he might be a bit clearer about that, and not start getting affectionate, because that is just fucking confusing ... but apparently I'd 'misconstrued' all the nice things he'd said to. I got a little shitty at that point ... suffice to say that I don't expect I'll be seeing that geologist again.
Slightly annoyed that I trusted him - he has video and photos where I'm clearly identifiable, which he promised to delete ... but clearly what he says is not the most reliable indicator of things. Also a little bummed because I thought I'd finally found someone who got what I was looking for. But apparently not.
Honestly, I don't know wtf is wrong with these guys.
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I'm sorry, Kim. So many people just suck... and so many of them are guys like this. It's so presumptuous of him to assume that he knows how you are thinking and feeling about the situation... and then to have the arrogance to purport to tell you how you are feeling. And to patronizingly inform you that you misconstrued the things that he said. He tried to put it all on you, instead of just admitting that he changed his mind. Jerk. :mad:
 
AngelicaS1780 said:
I'm sorry, Kim. So many people just suck... and so many of them are guys like this. It's so presumptuous of him to assume that he knows how you are thinking and feeling about the situation... and then to have the arrogance to purport to tell you how you are feeling. And to patronizingly inform you that you misconstrued the things that he said. He tried to put it all on you, instead of just admitting that he changed his mind. Jerk. :mad:
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This certainly sounds like a guy making excuses. If he was worried that you were becoming too serious, all he had to do was ask and talk about it. Guys have a tendency to say that they do not understand women. Personally I think I am pretty clear about what I am looking for but often find it like pulling teeth to get a guy to talk about what they want or even like.
 
Well, that sucks. Definitely code for "I'm a Dick". I keep wishing you the best of luck, but it doesn't seem to work. Jokingly, I am starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with the men there. You need to immediately leave and come to California!
 
Thanks for all the lovely support, and for the invitation, which I'm obviously taking totally seriously. I'm booking a flight as I write.

Of course, that wasn't actually the end of that little thing ... nearly a week after dumping me, he messages to apologise for his behaviour, which leads to a whole new exchange in which it's clear that he's really wanting to pick things up again. I've been extremely clear that this isn't happening without talking stuff through so there's some actual clarity. My favourite moment in that exchange was when he said he's just wanting to meet up for sex every now and then, and I responded that he'd actually said, quite clearl, that we should go to the pub sometime (like, you know, go out in public), and he said that he just says stuff and I should take everything literally, and that that's a 'very female' thing to do. WTF? So I honestly don't know if I can get past that. I really do need to be able to trust that someone means the words that come out of their mouths - I'll excuse some shit talk if everyone is really angry, but if it's just normal conversation, I kind of assume that when people say words, they mean them. Is that unreasonable? Do people really just say random stuff they don't really mean, and assume that everyone understands they shouldn't be taken literally?

I'm feeling extremely ambivalent about the whole situation, which is quite unlike me - usually I'm very clearly in the yes or no camp. I guess I'll give him a chance to explain himself, but I've also made it clear that he needs to come here to do that, which is a bit of an effort ... I kind of feel like it probably won't happen, which would at least make the decision for me. I honestly don't even know why I'm bothering. I guess there's a sliver of a chance he might get his act together.
 
As usual I wish you the best of luck. I think most people mean what they say and they mean to be taken literally. I’m always cautious around people who don’t or can’t speak straight, that’s a yellow flag for me. The blaming things on gender would also be a yellow flag for me and given the opportunity I’d probably poke at it for a while.

But, when it comes to slivers, I have had a few good relationships that slipped through the sliver of a doorway a time or two.
 
Paul_Chance said:
As usual I wish you the best of luck. I think most people mean what they say and they mean to be taken literally. I’m always cautious around people who don’t or can’t speak straight, that’s a yellow flag for me. The blaming things on gender would also be a yellow flag for me and given the opportunity I’d probably poke at it for a while.

But, when it comes to slivers, I have had a few good relationships that slipped through the sliver of a doorway a time or two.
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Yeah, there's a few yellow flags, and I'm not sure how it's all adding up really. There's also the thing that this would be yet another situation in which I'm doing all the compromising. I was sort of OK with that with the local tradie, because none of his 'requirements' necessitated much effort on my part (e.g. he only even came around here, but that was fine, because I didn't have to go anywhere). With this guy, because he's a sole parent, he's only available during school hours, which really isn't so convenient for me. (He had said that we'd be able to spend more time together in the school holidays, because his kid spends the holidays with his ex ... but it's seeming like that won't actually happen. It's notable that his original little freak out was literally at the start of the holidays.)
 
KimGordon67 said:
My favourite moment in that exchange was when he said he's just wanting to meet up for sex every now and then, and I responded that he'd actually said, quite clearl, that we should go to the pub sometime (like, you know, go out in public), and he said that he just says stuff and I should take everything literally, and that that's a 'very female' thing to do. WTF? So I honestly don't know if I can get past that. I really do need to be able to trust that someone means the words that come out of their mouths - I'll excuse some shit talk if everyone is really angry, but if it's just normal conversation, I kind of assume that when people say words, they mean them. Is that unreasonable? Do people really just say random stuff they don't really mean, and assume that everyone understands they shouldn't be taken literally?
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I am literal minded.
I often get annoyed that people ask follow up questions about things I only just said/wrote. It’s like they only listened or read close enough to get the gist, while I chose the wording carefully.
It’s not something I’ve ever considered a very typically female side of me, quite the opposite actually if i go by how many men I know who are like that and how many women. I would guess that was more him deflecting.

To me it would make a difference if the ”we should go to the pub sometime” came up in a talk about how to go about things or in passing when doing smalltalk though. In the latter, I think it’s almost universal to say things that you might mean in the moment but aren’t able to follow up on. The classic ”we should chatch up sometime” is something I bite my tongue not to say, but it still slips out in an unguarded moment, because of socialization, expectations and because I often really would like to catch up if time and energy weren’t limited.
So yeah, in small talk I guess I don’t have the same expectations of literally meaning every word. I still try to stick with it personally, but then I suck at social smalltalk. 😁
 
I guess I didn't take it extremely literally, as in going to the actual pub, but to me it did indicate a general intention, especially given that he'd expressed surprised that the local tradie I was seeing never wanted to go anywhere with me, and said that that was pretty strange. But as it turns out, he actually wants much the same deal - coming over, having some beers, fucking, and then leaving. Which I sort of wouldn't mind, except that because it has to be during the day, it fucks my day up. And also, he effectively lied about the whole situation ... I can only assume because he thought that was necessary to get me into bed? I really cannot handle people lying ... I just don't know how I can believe anything he says. Like, theoretically, he's coming over on Monday to see if we can sort things ... but are 'Monday' or 'coming over' also things I shouldn't take literally? Where is the line with this sort of thing?

With respect the the 'very female' comment, my suspicion is that this is not his first rodeo. I get the feeling he says a lot of things that he thinks whatever the woman the standing in front of him at the time wants to hear (for the purposes of getting them into bed), and then it comes as some surprise when it turns out they assumed he meant what he said. Hence this being, in his universe, a 'very female thing' to think.
 
KimGordon67 said:
I guess I didn't take it extremely literally, as in going to the actual pub, but to me it did indicate a general intention, especially given that he'd expressed surprised that the local tradie I was seeing never wanted to go anywhere with me, and said that that was pretty strange. But as it turns out, he actually wants much the same deal - coming over, having some beers, fucking, and then leaving. Which I sort of wouldn't mind, except that because it has to be during the day, it fucks my day up. And also, he effectively lied about the whole situation ... I can only assume because he thought that was necessary to get me into bed? I really cannot handle people lying ... I just don't know how I can believe anything he says. Like, theoretically, he's coming over on Monday to see if we can sort things ... but are 'Monday' or 'coming over' also things I shouldn't take literally? Where is the line with this sort of thing?

With respect the the 'very female' comment, my suspicion is that this is not his first rodeo. I get the feeling he says a lot of things that he thinks whatever the woman the standing in front of him at the time wants to hear (for the purposes of getting them into bed), and then it comes as some surprise when it turns out they assumed he meant what he said. Hence this being, in his universe, a 'very female thing' to think.
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Don't fuck your day up for this lying twat, even if he manages to actually come over on Monday.
 
AngelicaS1780 said:
Don't fuck your day up for this lying twat, even if he manages to actually come over on Monday.
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Ha ha - I'm definitely not. I have so little optimism anything will be worked out that's useful to me ... but I do also tend to give people a chance to get themselves together. But honestly, for someone who's looking for something 'simple', he's managed to make it all unnecessarily complicated, while also doing the classic thing of refusing to talk about how he's done that, because he wants to keep things 'simple'. :rolleyes:

In the mean time, other much more interesting things have transpired. Probably the most immediate is that the couple I've been to-ing and fro-ing with for over a year now are actually going to be in town in a couple of weeks (for reasons not related to me) and I think we're *finally* going to meet.
 
KimGordon67 said:
Ha ha - I'm definitely not. I have so little optimism anything will be worked out that's useful to me ... but I do also tend to give people a chance to get themselves together. But honestly, for someone who's looking for something 'simple', he's managed to make it all unnecessarily complicated, while also doing the classic thing of refusing to talk about how he's done that, because he wants to keep things 'simple'. :rolleyes:

In the mean time, other much more interesting things have transpired. Probably the most immediate is that the couple I've been to-ing and fro-ing with for over a year now are actually going to be in town in a couple of weeks (for reasons not related to me) and I think we're *finally* going to meet.
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Not only is he refusing to talk about how his actions made things more complicated, it also feels like he's trying to blame you for making it complicated. :rolleyes:

Ooh, that's a very interesting development indeed. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
 
AngelicaS1780 said:
Not only is he refusing to talk about how his actions made things more complicated, it also feels like he's trying to blame you for making it complicated. :rolleyes:

Ooh, that's a very interesting development indeed. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
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Oh yes, he's definitely trying to make that my responsibility. Honestly, something that could have been sorted out in five minutes weeks ago has just turned into a total clusterfuck. And the problem is that the lack of trust is bound to have a negative effect on the sex. I already regret things.

And yay for the more interesting developments ... that's just the tip of the iceberg. OK, it's a pretty small iceberg, but still ...
 
Let him come over, fuck him one last time (or three) and say good bye.

My bf sees things through the lens of women "talk/argue/expect" a certain way vs men, who are spock-like: logical and emotionless. He's such a good guy but this is one of his yukky quality. My sense is it's a big fat cop out -- rather than engage me in an actual way when it comes to tougher stuff, he wants to avoid it all by throwing up his man shield. That way, he's protected from my womanly emotions and illogical talking points. :/ It's an asshole move.

I give my guy a pass because he was married for a million years when his wife died. He never had to interact with other actual women. Your guy? I hate that he's putting whatever he's scared of or whatever back on you.
 
The no call/no show thing has always irked me. It literally takes a minute. "Hey, aliens abducted my dog, I can't make it."
 
I’m sorry he keeps being a jerk. I tend to get avoidant when I’m overwhelmed and I know that it is not good so I just try to tell someone when I’m overwhelmed and need some time. Often it may have nothing to do with the other person. He sounds like he has no idea what he wants and is just trying to string you along until he decides if he wants to play a little. Sometimes people just suck.
 
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