Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

I actually think he may have a drinking problem ... he definitely drinks a LOT (and often quite early in the day), and it would explain the weird inconsistency.
Either than or he's just a jerk. Or both.
Anyway, onwards and upwards ... various options are on the horizon. Some probably won't pan out, but at least these are things to look foward to.

 

[Paul_Chance]

That's possible, drinking problems are sneaky buggers. I'm always an eternal optimist (which irritates some of my friends, in that I look at setbacks as opportunities.)

 

[KimGordon67]

The model reappeared! Does anyone remember the model?
So bizarre ... he was checking out my pics/profile on the swingers site that I initially 'met' him on, and I messaged him to remind him we had actually hooked up in the past (which he *says* he remembers, but it was two years ago) ... and of course he was hoping for a hook up. It was 11, I was in bed, and really couldn't be arsed doing the necessary preparation for 12 minutes of average sex (even for someone that pretty), so I said no. Repeatedly. Until nearly 1am. He's quite persistent.
It feels oddly satisfying to have turned down sex with an actual model. That's a bit shallow, I know, but still ...

 

[AngelicaS1780]

The model reappeared! Does anyone remember the model?
So bizarre ... he was checking out my pics/profile on the swingers site that I initially 'met' him on, and I messaged him to remind him we had actually hooked up in the past (which he *says* he remembers, but it was two years ago) ... and of course he was hoping for a hook up. It was 11, I was in bed, and really couldn't be arsed doing the necessary preparation for 12 minutes of average sex (even for someone that pretty), so I said no. Repeatedly. Until nearly 1am. He's quite persistent.
It feels oddly satisfying to have turned down sex with an actual model. That's a bit shallow, I know, but still ...

Being *that* persistent is kinda creepy. Also, he must think he's real pretty because he just couldn't believe you were turning him down.

 

[drobert44]

Being *that* persistent is kinda creepy. Also, he must think he's real pretty because he just couldn't believe you were turning him down.

Turn him down..

 

[KimGordon67]

Being *that* persistent is kinda creepy. Also, he must think he's real pretty because he just couldn't believe you were turning him down.

LOL. I know what you mean, but the persistence is pretty low-key, but he's definitely not any kind of threat ... I really do think it's because he's not used to women saying no. (He objectively IS real pretty - like, I'm not joking when I say he's a model. And not in a department-store-catalogue sense.)

 

[AngelicaS1780]

LOL. I know what you mean, but the persistence is pretty low-key, but he's definitely not any kind of threat ... I really do think it's because he's not used to women saying no. (He objectively IS real pretty - like, I'm not joking when I say he's a model. And not in a department-store-catalogue sense.)

I have to say that I am very impressed by the strength of your can't-be-arsedness in the face of such prettiness. Don't know that I could have done the same.

 

[KimGordon67]

I have to say that I am very impressed by the strength of your can't-be-arsedness in the face of such prettiness. Don't know that I could have done the same.

It was a tough call, but knowing the sex wouldn't be great was really the deal breaker.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

It was a tough call, but knowing the sex wouldn't be great was really the deal breaker.

True, no amount of pretty really compensates for sub-par sex or the inability to carry on an interesting conversation.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I also think there's a huge difference between a date and a booty call. Text me to set up a date and the answer will usually be yes. Text me for a booty call and there are a whole bunch of contingences, including simple things like "sorry, I am sleeping" (and yeah, the quallity of the booty call would also make a difference). Get up in the middle of the night for great sex that rocks your world - yep, probably. For mediocre sex? Probably not.

 

[KimGordon67]

I also think there's a huge difference between a date and a booty call. Text me to set up a date and the answer will usually be yes. Text me for a booty call and there are a whole bunch of contingences, including simple things like "sorry, I am sleeping" (and yeah, the quallity of the booty call would also make a difference). Get up in the middle of the night for great sex that rocks your world - yep, probably. For mediocre sex? Probably not.

Exactly. The same message from the tradie probably would have elicited a more positive response. Which proves that looks are not everything. Give me the 55 year old dad bod over the hot young model any day.

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, I ended up getting laid by the model. That was ... just bloody weird, actually. I can't even go into detail about how it happened, it was all so ... weird. Ultimately, he just kind of turned up here, with the incredibly transparent plan of giving me a 'massage', which of course inevitably turned into sex - which I totally knew was going to happen and so that's really what I was agreeing to. But the sex was just ... fuck, I don't even really know. It really is like he just wants a body to fuck - any body will do. And he has some quite odd tendencies ... I'm not kink shaming, but it's like he isn't even aware that literally tearing holes in a woman's underwear so you can fuck her is not actually 'normal', and is something that should maybe be discussed, or at least you should ask her if that's OK. I honestly have never had such disengaged sex (I guess with the exception of the other two times I fucked him).
I guess I thought that if we at least started with a 'massage', that would slow him down a bit, and there might be some sort of connection ... but honestly, the whole thing was just fucking bizarre. I don't even know why I didn't say something to stop it all - I guess I just thought it might get better, or it was easier to just see it through to it's logical and fairly prompt conclusion. When did I turn into THAT person, who puts up with sex because it's easier than making a fuss?
I am definitely NOT going back there again. I feel a little like I was ... well, not coerced, but sort of nagged into having sex, and then the sex was just too odd to be really enjoyable.
Ugh.

 

[Mustang Sally]

This is a hard thread to just jump into. Kim, I followed your other thread a few years ago and always appreciated your excellent writing and insights. I've caught up a bit here - you seem to be embracing this phase of your life.

It's really too bad the model sucks at sex!

 

[Paul_Chance]

When it comes to sex sometimes there's "good-weird" sex and sometimes there's "just weird-weird" sex. I've often joked that after years of being non-monogamous and sexually active, I could write a book on the "just weird-weird" sex I've had. There are probably a lot more categories of weird sex then a realize, some of which are actual kinks.

On the clothes tearing - yeah, that is something to be discussed and planned. As hot as a person may find the rip-clothes-off scenario, it's not that simple. Some clothes are really hard to rip. Some clothes you don't want ripped. Some clothes are fucking expensive to rip so don't do it unless you're willing to pay for it. Some clothes are irreplaceable.

On the model sex, it's another of those strange things - I've found, more often than not, that classically really beautiful people are not necessarily really good at sex. I think it's because a.) they've never had a problem attracting potential partners and b.) those partners, smitten by their beauty, are reluctant to provide them with any feedback for fear it will be taken wrong. Not everyone of course, but weirdly more often than not in my experience. It's the difference I think between sexually attractive and sexually proficient. There is no connection between the two except in the mind.

 

[KimGordon67]

Having slept on it all, I think I actually need to say something to him. The whole situation really was a bit borderline in terms of being consensual, and that's not really cool. I'm fine, because I'm old enough and bitchy enough for it not to affect me unduly. But if he's fucking younger/less confident girls like that, then it's not so fine. What I guess I didn't say in my previous post was that he turned up after I'd specifically said not to come over while I was working - maybe later in the evening, but not right then. I should have just told him to go home then. And I should have just stopped the sex when it wasn't really fun for me. But I can at least say something, so he doesn't continue thinking that it's OK to behave like that. Obviously, the chance is high that it won't make a blind bit of difference.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Having slept on it all, I think I actually need to say something to him. The whole situation really was a bit borderline in terms of being consensual, and that's not really cool. I'm fine, because I'm old enough and bitchy enough for it not to affect me unduly. But if he's fucking younger/less confident girls like that, then it's not so fine. What I guess I didn't say in my previous post was that he turned up after I'd specifically said not to come over while I was working - maybe later in the evening, but not right then. I should have just told him to go home then. And I should have just stopped the sex when it wasn't really fun for me. But I can at least say something, so he doesn't continue thinking that it's OK to behave like that. Obviously, the chance is high that it won't make a blind bit of difference.

I initially thought that he showed up at your house without any prior discussion of him doing so. I was certainly creeped out by that. Not that knowing made it much better, since he then destroyed a piece of your clothing and was completely disengaged as a sex partner. I know it might not make an impact on him, but I'd talk to him anyway... definitely about the creepy persistence and the underwear ripping. And that I won't be engaging with him any further for those reasons and the completely self-absorbed sex that he had "to" me, as opposed to "with" me.

 

[KimGordon67]

I initially thought that he showed up at your house without any prior discussion of him doing so. I was certainly creeped out by that. Not that knowing made it much better, since he then destroyed a piece of your clothing and was completely disengaged as a sex partner. I know it might not make an impact on him, but I'd talk to him anyway... definitely about the creepy persistence and the underwear ripping. And that I won't be engaging with him any further for those reasons and the completely self-absorbed sex that he had "to" me, as opposed to "with" me.

So I messaged him suggesting some things were a bit borderline, and that he might want to think about toning down his approach a bit. It's potentially the most passive 'you're a little bit rapey' message in the history of ever, but I'm really not sure that he's even aware of what he's doing ... I can see a context in which someone watches a lot of porn, and never has anyone give negative feedback after sex, ending up thinking that how he was is kind of 'normal'.
Hopefully I don't have to deal with string of shitty responses. Although I guess that's why god invented the blocking function.

 

[KimGordon67]

This is a hard thread to just jump into. Kim, I followed your other thread a few years ago and always appreciated your excellent writing and insights. I've caught up a bit here - you seem to be embracing this phase of your life.

It's really too bad the model sucks at sex!

So good to see you! I hadn't really thought about this being a 'phase of my life', but yeah, I guess it kind of is. Huh. Hope things are good with you?

 

[Mustang Sally]

So good to see you! I hadn't really thought about this being a 'phase of my life', but yeah, I guess it kind of is. Huh. Hope things are good with you?

Oh, I hope I didn't offend. I just meant post-marriage, actively dating, but I suppose "phase" was a bit flippant.

I'm good. I've been with my poly partner for six years now, and my husband still finds it exciting. He (my "other," my "dom") recently told me he has a new primary partner, so it'll be interesting to see how that plays out. He lives two hours away, and she now owns his weekends, so it'll be that much harder for me to see him. Tomorrow we're going to try a Friday overnight visit (with me leaving after breakfast Saturday), which means I must drive during horrendous traffic to get to him. Google estimates it'll take somewhere between 2 hours 20 minutes and 3 hours 40 minutes.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Oh, I hope I didn't offend. I just meant post-marriage, actively dating, but I suppose "phase" was a bit flippant.

I'm good. I've been with my poly partner for six years now, and my husband still finds it exciting. He (my "other," my "dom") recently told me he has a new primary partner, so it'll be interesting to see how that plays out. He lives two hours away, and she now owns his weekends, so it'll be that much harder for me to see him. Tomorrow we're going to try a Friday overnight visit (with me leaving after breakfast Saturday), which means I must drive during horrendous traffic to get to him. Google estimates it'll take somewhere between 2 hours 20 minutes and 3 hours 40 minutes.

Hey Sally ~ The wow reaction was due to the possibility of your drive potentially taking almost twice as long. I will keep my fingers crossed that it isn't nearly that bad.

 

[Mustang Sally]

Hey Sally ~ The wow reaction was due to the possibility of your drive potentially taking almost twice as long. I will keep my fingers crossed that it isn't nearly that bad.

I know, I'm afraid it's going to be miserable. I'm a bit of an anxious driver and don't relish the idea of facing that alone. And with the price of gas! I think I'd prefer Sunday visits instead, but I don't have a Sunday available for a while. Mind you, I only see him every other month at best, so I guess it's not a big deal either way.

 

[KimGordon67]

I know, I'm afraid it's going to be miserable. I'm a bit of an anxious driver and don't relish the idea of facing that alone. And with the price of gas! I think I'd prefer Sunday visits instead, but I don't have a Sunday available for a while. Mind you, I only see him every other month at best, so I guess it's not a big deal either way.

If it's only every eight weeks or so, isn't it possible for her to forgo a weekend just to make life a bit easier for you? I've never been in any position like this, so I'm not sure what's seen as 'appropriate', but that does sort of seem reasonable to me.

 

[KimGordon67]

So I messaged him suggesting some things were a bit borderline, and that he might want to think about toning down his approach a bit. It's potentially the most passive 'you're a little bit rapey' message in the history of ever, but I'm really not sure that he's even aware of what he's doing ... I can see a context in which someone watches a lot of porn, and never has anyone give negative feedback after sex, ending up thinking that how he was is kind of 'normal'.
Hopefully I don't have to deal with string of shitty responses. Although I guess that's why god invented the blocking function.

I didn't hear anything back from him at all. Which is, I guess, the preferable result. I'm glad I said something, if it means there's a tiny chance he's a bit less selfish and weird with the next woman he fucks.

 

[Mustang Sally]

If it's only every eight weeks or so, isn't it possible for her to forgo a weekend just to make life a bit easier for you? I've never been in any position like this, so I'm not sure what's seen as 'appropriate', but that does sort of seem reasonable to me.

I wish, but that does not seem to be an option. They can only see each other on weekends too, and he is not willing to ask her to give up any of their time. Which is fair enough, I guess, and I'm trying hard to be respectful.

 

[KimGordon67]

I wish, but that does not seem to be an option. They can only see each other on weekends too, and he is not willing to ask her to give up any of their time. Which is fair enough, I guess, and I'm trying hard to be respectful.

I guess these are the things we have to negotiate in poly situations. Does he never come to you (and get a hotel or something)?