Laughter is Contagious

[pleaz_me]

So much funny stuff!!!! I hope you'll enjoy this little contribution!


Mgmt 101

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.

The girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor; you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200. Then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

**Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[limiwa]

hillbilly vasectomy

After their 11th Child ,an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, South Carolina, West Virginia and Georgia.

 

[limiwa]

Just a weee bit.....
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came
to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby wasthe
ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his
father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty
of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when
you met her."

 

[Gypsybyrd]

After their 11th Child ,an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, South Carolina, West Virginia and Georgia.

OUCH! lol

 

[Kowboy]

Mgmt 101

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...
...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

**Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Thank you copperbutterfly,

This was good. She was lucky it was only quarters. She would still be bent over if he used pennies.

 

[techsan]

Husband/Wife Arrangement
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
...
blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

ROTFLMAO ... yeppers, sometimes we just don't know when we're well off.

 

[techsan]

After their 11th Child ,an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, South Carolina, West Virginia and Georgia.

LMAO...homemade surgery...who woulda thunk it!

 

[techsan]

THE CRUISE

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all
my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some
whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to
be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding
and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join
him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful
time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a
luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to
stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be
unfaithful to my husband.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to
go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain
saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming
gentleman He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I
declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he
would sink the ship. I was appalled.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

 

[pleaz_me]

THE CRUISE

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all
my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some
whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to
be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding
and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join
him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful
time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a
luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to
stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be
unfaithful to my husband.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to
go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain
saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming
gentleman He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I
declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he
would sink the ship. I was appalled.
______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh for the love of duty!!!!!

 

[techsan]

WATER......

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces; in other words, we consume 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop -- Drink WINE!

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service ... because I care for your well being!!!

 

[techsan]

your age in chocolate







Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!











YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH




This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)









2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)










3. Add 5












4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator













5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
If you haven't, add 1755.














6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.










You should have a three digit number










The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).










The next two numbers are









YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

 

[techsan]

If this is a repost, I'm sorry for wasting your time ...

PANTYHOSE QUIZ

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it ...

Ready???

Are you sure???

Answer:

10 little piggies,
2 calves,
1 ass,
and an unknown number of hares.

 

[limiwa]

WATER......

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces; in other words, we consume 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop -- Drink WINE!

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service ... because I care for your well being!!!

Thank you so much for the valuable info! What would we do and how would we survive w/o you!? I'll even thank you for all the laughs. Thank you, Techie!

 

[techsan]

The future of men's bathing suits..........

The future of men's bathing suits......Problem is....it will be like
the women's bathing suits. The men who "shouldn't" wear them will!

I'd like to see them keep them on in the water!!


http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing01.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing02.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing03.gifhttp://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing04.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing05.gifhttp://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing06.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing07.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing08.gif

 

[techsan]

Thank you so much for the valuable info! What would we do and how would we survive w/o you!? I'll even thank you for all the laughs. Thank you, Techie!

My dear sweet lady, I love to share laughs ... just as long as you're not laughing AT me! lmao...

 

[limiwa]

Aww, heck, they would never make it to the water!

 

[techsan]

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

 

[techsan]

--A news article from a Florida Newspaper:

"When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

 

[limiwa]

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

ROFLMAO!! Always laughing, but never at you!

 

[MsBug]

Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his Sunday sermon...
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this
demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies???

 

[techsan]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
...

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies???

ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO

 

[limiwa]

they're not all bad, however...

lawyers

1. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them?... ... would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton

17. Why don't you ever hear of a lawyer getting attacked by a shark at the beach? Professional courtesy
*********************************************************************

 

[techsan]

lawyers

...
17. Why don't you ever hear of a lawyer getting attacked by a shark at the beach? Professional courtesy
*********************************************************************

Oh ... I'm ... hurtin' ... so ... bad ... please ... let ... me ... stop ... laughing!

 

[Sloppykitten]

waxing is NOT your friend

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right)! I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it isn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!

I'm blind! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out ... must stay conscious ... Do I hear crashing drums? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy -- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX?

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.

"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS! It works!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 

[pleaz_me]

The future of men's bathing suits..........

The future of men's bathing suits......Problem is....it will be like
the women's bathing suits. The men who "shouldn't" wear them will!

I'd like to see them keep them on in the water!!


http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing01.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing02.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing03.gifhttp://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing04.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing05.gifhttp://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing06.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing07.gif
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bathing08.gif

Where in the hello can I find these guys?????? And ... um... (((Tech))) ... it really wouldn't be such a bad thing if they fell off in the water