Laughter is Contagious
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MelissaOB23
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*giggles*
wally2450
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Lovers Test for Guys
In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would
agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to
ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Your Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would
agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to
ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Your Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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Ted Nugent on deer hunting
He was being interviewed by a British journalist.
The journalist asked," What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you
the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away?' They are very much like the French in that way."
He was being interviewed by a British journalist.
The journalist asked," What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you
the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away?' They are very much like the French in that way."
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
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- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Happy Friday everybody!!!!! I got some good funnies today! and I am sharing!!!!!!!!!
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is Handsome - tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time.....
No one moves.................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps...................................
He whispers......................................
"Iron this shirt...and then get me a beer."
I know I'm gonna get mail!
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is Handsome - tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time.....
No one moves.................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps...................................
He whispers......................................
"Iron this shirt...and then get me a beer."
I know I'm gonna get mail!
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
I loved this one!!!!!
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET 2 BLONDE GENIES?
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp, partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him that he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET 2 BLONDE GENIES?
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp, partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him that he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
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- Aug 21, 2004
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- 8,770
Last one for tonight!!!!!
Precautions for Floridians and Florida tourists
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourists in general to take extra
precautions and keep alert for alligators while in: Alachua, Marion,
Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and
Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little
bells on their shoes or clothing, to alert but not startle the
alligators unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and
possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like
pepper spray .
Precautions for Floridians and Florida tourists
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourists in general to take extra
precautions and keep alert for alligators while in: Alachua, Marion,
Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and
Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little
bells on their shoes or clothing, to alert but not startle the
alligators unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and
possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like
pepper spray .
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Redneck dating etiquette
1. Do not enter your date in a female mud-wrestling
contest without asking her permission.
2. Do not refer to your hunting dog as "the other
woman in your life."
3. Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until
at least the third date.
4. Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy
about climbing into a truck with tires that are
taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear
jeans.
5. Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should
be saved for the fifth or more date, unless, of
course, it's the only clean shirt you have.
6. If the woman drives, never, ever try to get away
with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat
on the hope that she won't notice. She's not like
your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always
roll down your window when you need to spit.
7. Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can,
even if you're trying to tell her that she's real
sleek.
8. Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.
9. Never tell a woman straight out that you can't
have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who
is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would
be psychotically jealous.
10. Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she's
wearing high heels.
1. Do not enter your date in a female mud-wrestling
contest without asking her permission.
2. Do not refer to your hunting dog as "the other
woman in your life."
3. Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until
at least the third date.
4. Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy
about climbing into a truck with tires that are
taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear
jeans.
5. Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should
be saved for the fifth or more date, unless, of
course, it's the only clean shirt you have.
6. If the woman drives, never, ever try to get away
with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat
on the hope that she won't notice. She's not like
your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always
roll down your window when you need to spit.
7. Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can,
even if you're trying to tell her that she's real
sleek.
8. Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.
9. Never tell a woman straight out that you can't
have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who
is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would
be psychotically jealous.
10. Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she's
wearing high heels.
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From dee957 ...
BELIEVE it or not, these are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
BELIEVE it or not, these are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
BlackWolf65
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BlackWolf65
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BlackWolf65
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BlackWolf65
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BlackWolf65
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BlackWolf65
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BlackWolf65
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BlackWolf65
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