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Laughter is Contagious

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THE RIGHT ANSWER!

Ben wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He opens his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose! Ben sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Ben looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a huge black eye staring at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -- Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Ben asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3:00 a.m., drunk out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married.....!!"

Broken Furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose Bud - $3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time........ PRICELESS!!!!!
 
Why Men Shouldn't Argue With Women


The newly married couple was on the topic of children.


The bride wanted three, while the husband said two was enough.


They discussed it for a long time until the husband decided to put an end to things.


"It's simple," he said with finality. "After our second child, I'll have a vasectomy."


Without hesitation, his bride replied, "Then I hope you'll love our third child as if it were your own!"
 
kayte said:
Why Men Shouldn't Argue With Women


The newly married couple was on the topic of children.


The bride wanted three, while the husband said two was enough.


They discussed it for a long time until the husband decided to put an end to things.


"It's simple," he said with finality. "After our second child, I'll have a vasectomy."


Without hesitation, his bride replied, "Then I hope you'll love our third child as if it were your own!"
Click to expand...
Lmao!
 
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.



Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"



Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, ... "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, with clothes on, dirty, clean, it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college.....I just flat-ass love it!"



Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"
 
carrie-on said:
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.



Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"



Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, ... "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, with clothes on, dirty, clean, it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college.....I just flat-ass love it!"



Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"
Click to expand...
LOVE IT!!!
 
Bad Situation

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?










Answer: Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much!!
 
carrie-on said:
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.



Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"



Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, ... "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, with clothes on, dirty, clean, it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college.....I just flat-ass love it!"



Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"
Click to expand...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Loveit.gif
 
While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota
filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as
to why the difference in the number of feathers in
the headdresses.
So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his
headdress. His reply was: "Only have one
woman. One woman, one feather."
Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked
another brave.
This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he
replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two
feathers."
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number
of sexual partners involved, she decided to
interview the Chief.
Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which,
needless to say, amused Ms .Walters. She asked the
Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your
headdress?"
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me
Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, and tall,
me sleep with 'em all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."
The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like
buffalo, long like snake".
Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile"
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style,
any style.....me sleep with 'em all."
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer! Ass too high, run too fast.
 
History of the word...

Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship
and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments
of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a
lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the
sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into
the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has
come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I always thought it was a golf term .
 
Woman locks keys in car

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that
her daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get
some medication. She got back to her car and found that
she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told
the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting
worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use
that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat
hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by
someone else who at some time had locked their keys in
their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't
know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up,
with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an
old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?"
But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could
help.

She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped
to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my
car. I must get home to her.

Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in
less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the
man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So
Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just
got out of prison today. I was in prison for car
theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears
cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me
a Professional."
 
Rejection lines

Had a few used on me and others I've used on women.

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance".)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my Dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Now the male perspective on the same issue:

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
 
Oh SHIT!

Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship
and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments
of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a
lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the
sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into
the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has
come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I always thought it was a golf term .
 
A flasher exposed himself to two elderly women in the park. The first woman had a stroke. The other woman couldn't reach out that far from her wheelchair.
 
Women!


1. Two women living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.


One woman says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away -- Florida or the moon?"


The other woman turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida??"



2. A woman was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.


She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"


She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
 
rab302 said:
A flasher exposed himself to two elderly women in the park. The first woman had a stroke. The other woman couldn't reach out that far from her wheelchair.
Click to expand...
Awww, lmao
 
 
 
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