Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
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In Honor of Stupid People . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
=============================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
=============================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
=============================
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
=============================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
=============================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
=============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
=============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
=============================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
=============================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
=============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
=============================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
=============================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
=============================
****Blessed are the cracked: For it is they who let in the light*****
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
=============================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
=============================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
=============================
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
=============================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
=============================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
=============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
=============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
=============================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
=============================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
=============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
=============================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
=============================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
=============================
****Blessed are the cracked: For it is they who let in the light*****
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
THE YEAR IS 1906
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1906. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906 :
************************************
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND, DOESN'T IT ?
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1906. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906 :
************************************
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND, DOESN'T IT ?
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Did you ever stop and wonder...
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on...
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on...
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Lol
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings,
and I have even done it myself a couple times ...but this one is real, and it's important.
So please send this warning to everyone on your
e-mail list:
If people come to your front door saying they
are checking for ticks due to the warming weather, then and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings,
and I have even done it myself a couple times ...but this one is real, and it's important.
So please send this warning to everyone on your
e-mail list:
If people come to your front door saying they
are checking for ticks due to the warming weather, then and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
The bug
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man along with his 6-year-old daughter.
The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl too anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It...it was only a bug, Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment she said.... "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man along with his 6-year-old daughter.
The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl too anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It...it was only a bug, Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment she said.... "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Rambling rose
I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on
our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a
very nice restaurant and went to a stage show
afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the
time came to part I drove her to her house and walked
her to her front door.
Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying
she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling
rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted,
but not before we arranged to see each other the
following evening.
I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged,
walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to
the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth.
Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her
what had caused her to do that?
She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I
was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and
looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It
said that they did not perform well in bed but when
tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well."
I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on
our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a
very nice restaurant and went to a stage show
afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the
time came to part I drove her to her house and walked
her to her front door.
Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying
she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling
rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted,
but not before we arranged to see each other the
following evening.
I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged,
walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to
the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth.
Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her
what had caused her to do that?
She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I
was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and
looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It
said that they did not perform well in bed but when
tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well."
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Thank you everybody...I needed those laughs today! Here's one for you!!!!
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Maybe one more????
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once? "The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(I LOVE THIS PART)
"Only when he's been drinking."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once? "The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(I LOVE THIS PART)
"Only when he's been drinking."
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Evening All!!!!
Happy Monday and soon to be Tuesday!!!!
This may be my new mantra!
Lemons - tequila - salt
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So........If you are a loving friend, share this with all of your friends.
And always remember....when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!
Happy Monday and soon to be Tuesday!!!!
This may be my new mantra!
Lemons - tequila - salt
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So........If you are a loving friend, share this with all of your friends.
And always remember....when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!
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