Laughter is Contagious

[pleaz_me]

Evening All!!!!

Happy Monday and soon to be Tuesday!!!!

This may be my new mantra!



Lemons - tequila - salt

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

So........If you are a loving friend, share this with all of your friends.

And always remember....when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

Wonderful words to remember! Thanks Copper!

 

[wally2450]

Wonderful words to remember! Thanks Copper!

Excellent!

 

[techsan]

THE WAY CHILDREN SEE THINGS!

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile,"We better throw this one out too, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his Teacher a note from his Mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by my son are not necessarily those of his parents."


KETCHUP
A Woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy!" the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the Women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchair’s, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The Tooth Fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?", he asked. "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time!" she said to her Mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice! , he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

 

[techsan]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have to pass a test to qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No
doubt you have spoken to him.

 

[techsan]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

 

[techsan]

Nearly crazy.

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

 

[techsan]

Girls Night Out

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the Hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the Door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. Shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[techsan]

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll Down
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
You got Male!

 

[techsan]

From pleaz_me ...

Marriage Cartoons

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Marriage01.gif http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Marriage02.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Marriage03.jpg http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Marriage04.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Marriage05.jpg http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Marriage06.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Marriage07.jpg http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Marriage08.jpg

 

[kayte]

Those are all grand techsan and pleaz me!

Now my small contribution...


The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at thome and were giving each other the silent treatment.


Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m." He left it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't woken him up when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.


The paper said: "It is 5 a.m. Wake up."



Looks like men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[Sloppykitten]

Everything has a Gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, But can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because,to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft,squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha- Ha !!! You thought it'd be male , didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...And while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push he keeps trying!

 

[Sloppykitten]

HillBilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

 

[Sloppykitten]

Little Davie

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

***************

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this. Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

****************

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

***************

Little Davies's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

***************

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[Sloppykitten]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in Canada but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

[wally2450]

Tears

At a wedding my husband and I attended, the groom got
choked up and shed a few tears. I leaned over to my
husband and whispered, "Why didn't you cry at our
wedding?"

"I would have," he replied, "if I'd known what was in
store for me."

 

[techsan]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ...
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Pres01.jpg

They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Pres02.jpg

" What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Pres03.jpg

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said: "I've come for some courage."
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Pres04.jpg

" No Problem! said the Wizard. Who ' s next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Pres05.jpg

"Done!" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Dubya and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Pres06.jpg

"No problem! said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, But he doesnt say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Pres07.jpg

"IS DOROTHY HERE?" ​

 

[techsan]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa."

$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. "

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!

 

[pleaz_me]

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c170/littlegoldwoman/AN_FROG_ROFLMAO.gif​

These are all great! Thanks for the laughs everyone!


(((((Tech))))) Thanks for all of your help That last one is just too much

 

[copperbutterfly]

Absolutely wonderful laughs tonight! Thank you one and all!

 

[techsan]

I thought about p_m and her cakes when I read this...of course I'm sure she never has a failure...!!!

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and, after rummaging through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30 to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified...she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh my, she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the lood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

 

[kayte]

Good afternoon {{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}

It is so grand that you shared the "tale of the cake" with us! Thank you.

 

[techsan]

Good afternoon {{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}

It is so grand that you shared the "tale of the cake" with us! Thank you.

Hello {{{{{{{{{{kayte}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you for dropping by. I do enjoy your visits so much!

 

[ElusivButterfly]

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.




NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

 

[pleaz_me]

I thought about p_m and her cakes when I read this...of course I'm sure she never has a failure...!!!

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and, after rummaging through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30 to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified...she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh my, she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the lood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

OMG! I don't know what I'd do! Believe me, I've had flops of my own though *Giggles* Now I can't help remembering the rainbow I made from royal icing... darned thing wouldn't stay together... so I super-glued it I just made sure no one ate that part

 

[pleaz_me]

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.




NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

And we wonder why our prisons are so over-crowded???