Laughter is Contagious

[limiwa]

Can Boudreaux sue?

Down south, Boudreaux called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?" "Yes, Boudreaux, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Boudreaux." "And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with ?"

sorry if I repeat myself or another

 

[limiwa]

Chief Two Eagles

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S Government officials sent by the President to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 

[limiwa]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived.... and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching." Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men... are men.

 

[limiwa]

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,

~~~~~~~~

self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat

~~~~~~~~

contemplating ecological issues

~~~~~~~~

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

~~~~~~~~

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

~~~~~~~~

and said: " Elegant Lady,

~~~~~~~~

I was once a handsome prince,

~~~~~~~~

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,

~~~~~~~~

and I will turn back

~~~~~~~~

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel

~~~~~~~~

grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sauted frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't freakin think so

************************

 

[limiwa]

Why We Love Children!!


1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the
Shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the

Jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
Towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of

Questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought ! His

Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

***************************************************************************************

 

[omahaman2]

Osama's Paradise?

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise.

He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"

Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin. Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans.

As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"

 

[limiwa]

Three women naked in sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND." THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........


"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

 

[wally2450]

Can Boudreaux sue?

Down south, Boudreaux called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?" "Yes, Boudreaux, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Boudreaux." "And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with ?"

sorry if I repeat myself or another

LOL!!

 

[limiwa]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a
storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace
in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries
to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs
to love the Jews and Americans and vice-verse. It will
bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable. These countries have been at war for
thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a
bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and
please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've
never been able to find the right man. You know, one
that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and
help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time,
and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the
frigging map again."

 

[limiwa]

teacher commentary

What a country.........................................

5 million of our older Americans have not signed up yet for their
Medicare, Part D, drug plan, they are old and confused. We are not going
To grant them an extension.

However, 12 million illegal aliens are in our country and we are going
To allow them to stay, protest, procreate, receive support monies,
Attend schools, avoid paying income taxes, have our teachers take 300
Hours of ESL (English as a Second Language) training at our expense,
Etc.

WE MUST REALLY DISLIKE OUR Senior Citizens......

If it hacks you off, pass it on!!

Maybe it will reach a politician

 

[limiwa]

THE BAPTIST AND THE COWBOY



A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the
preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken
advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips"

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me
too! I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[limiwa]

stutter


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[limiwa]

One more from the collection

Talking Dog



A young Kentucky boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him (now there's a surprise!). Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.” Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!

Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.

"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.

His father sends the money. Now the boy has a real problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he Turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that Little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' " The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son-of-a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!!!" Have a good day and a better tomorrow!

 

[limiwa]

Had to share, got this at work today!

Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated
and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating... sleeping...bitching or crying for no apparent reason...and oh!...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce “Helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!”

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass!

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

 

[wally2450]

Conscience

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts
feel so good.

 

[Gypsybyrd]

Boy y'all were busy today ... thanks for the laughs!

 

[kayte]

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts
feel so good.

Wally ~ I love it! Thanks for sharing that!

 

[kayte]

Had to share, got this at work today!

Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated
and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating... sleeping...bitching or crying for no apparent reason...and oh!...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce “Helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!”

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass!

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

Thank you so much limiwa ~ That nails it to a T!

 

[techsan]

Colonoscopy



http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Doc01.gif

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Doc02.gif

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Doc03.gif

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"


http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Doc04.gif


At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

 

[techsan]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!



Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

 

[BlackWolf65]

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries
his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "We lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian'?"

 

[leevining]

Wild Jamaican Sex
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring
around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this
small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican
accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So they walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look
in his eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent
him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET

 

[leevining]

LETTERS THAT EVEN "DEAR ABBY" ADMITTED SHE
WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall
from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the
other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These
two women go everywhere together and I've never seen
a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you
think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence On my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,
I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman
who has been on the pill for two years. It's
getting expensive and I think my boy friend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been
fooling around, and when confronted with the
evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why
would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home
turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen
it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a
psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a
half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I
didn't know he drank until one night he came home
sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think
she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my
husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.
Now what do I do?

 

[leevining]

Ever wonder what happens to your computer overnight

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

 

[bloodyben]

Ever wonder what happens to your computer overnight

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

Hahaha that's a great flash