Laughter is Contagious
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pleaz_me
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limiwa said:One more from the collection
Talking Dog
A young Kentucky boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him (now there's a surprise!). Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.” Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.
His father sends the money. Now the boy has a real problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he Turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that Little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' " The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son-of-a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!!!" Have a good day and a better tomorrow!
This one is STILL my all-time favorite!
pleaz_me
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My favorite memory as a mommyGypsybyrd said:I know! Pity we were born when we were...
We were at a craft show (full of busy-bodied older women) and my son kept acting up... he wasn't listening, he wasn't doing anything he had been told... I took him over by the cars to give him a small spank on the rear and a firm talking-to. Two old ladies came by and their jaws dropped when they saw me spank his rear... I was already irritated, so I looked at them and told them to feel free to call DCFS... it would only take more of THEIR money to investigate and put him through the system and then very politely asked if THEY were taking in any trully abused children? I've never seen two old ladies *walk* away so fast in my life with their eyes bulging out and their jaws scraping the ground!
Gypsybyrd
what's the point????
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pleaz_me said:My favorite memory as a mommy
We were at a craft show (full of busy-bodied older women) and my son kept acting up... he wasn't listening, he wasn't doing anything he had been told... I took him over by the cars to give him a small spank on the rear and a firm talking-to. Two old ladies came by and their jaws dropped when they saw me spank his rear... I was already irritated, so I looked at them and told them to feel free to call DCFS... it would only take more of THEIR money to investigate and put him through the system and then very politely asked if THEY were taking in any trully abused children? I've never seen two old ladies *walk* away so fast in my life with their eyes bulging out and their jaws scraping the ground!
oh god! I bet they came close to running!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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pleaz_me said:*Groanssssssss* Amazing how often I'd like to use this treatment on mine!
ADHD Treatment
I think it is a great idea and I don't even have any of the "little darlings". It seemed to work fine when I was growing up.
leevining
Really Experienced
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A nurse walks into a bank.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well that's great...that's really great...! Some asshole's got my pen."
_________________
Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery,
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called: The Present.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well that's great...that's really great...! Some asshole's got my pen."
_________________
Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery,
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called: The Present.
Gypsybyrd
what's the point????
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- May 30, 2006
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May have been posted before ...
A Real Man's Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!
A Real Man's Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!
techsan
...just chugging along
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A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO . SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO ."
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE."
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND."
NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE." BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ,
"YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO ."
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO ."
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE."
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND."
NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE." BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ,
"YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO ."
techsan
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wally2450
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Life Explained
On the first day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the fourty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?
"Okay," said, God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
On the first day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the fourty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?
"Okay," said, God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
wally2450
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At the pet store...
A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display.
While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval
Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line
service monkey, please." The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side
of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the
animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The
Chief paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that was a line
service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft,
conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls,
and all with no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck
ops. He's well worth the money."
With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey
in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more
expensive!
What can it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.
She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all
corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of
maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey
indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage.
The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?"
"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything
but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but
his papers say he's a pilot."
A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display.
While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval
Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line
service monkey, please." The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side
of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the
animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The
Chief paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that was a line
service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft,
conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls,
and all with no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck
ops. He's well worth the money."
With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey
in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more
expensive!
What can it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.
She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all
corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of
maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey
indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage.
The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?"
"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything
but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but
his papers say he's a pilot."
techsan
...just chugging along
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
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