Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

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[techsan]

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HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

 

[kayte]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?





For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

Thank you {{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}} That is great!

 

[kayte]

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These are so funny!

Guess that one means I don't have to grow up! Oops, that also means I'm giving away my age!

 

[techsan]

Thank you {{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}} That is great!

Hello, {{{{{{{{{{kayte}}}}}}}}}} It is good to hear from you. Hope you are doing well...!?!

 

[techsan]

These are so funny!

Guess that one means I don't have to grow up! Oops, that also means I'm giving away my age!

Awww, you're still a YOUNG lady!

 

[kayte]

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http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Cartoon28.gif
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

LMAO!!! Thank you {{{{{{{{techie}}}}}}}}}

 

[kayte]

Awww, you're still a YOUNG lady!

You are such a sweet talker. Thank you darling.

 

[BlackWolf65]

Okay, everyone... I've been holding off on this, but I suppose that now is as good a time as any... You know those little tea bags with the cutesy one-liners on them? I've been saving them up for a couple of weeks, and now is the time to post them... Most of these are real groaners, a few are okay, and one or two are real gems... I assume no responsibility for these - they are *not* mine...

Minds, like parachutes, work only when they are open.

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Summer picnic: Eat wave

Artists who jog usually become great panters.

Some people fall for everything and stand for nothing.

You have to stay awake to make your dreams come true.

The vice of a bad poet: Verse.

Broadway Marquees: Royalty visiting the theater.

Most born executives had a parent who started the business.

Gourmet's dream: Shipwrecked on a desserted island.

Second childhood: When old goats act like kids.

Shear magic: Coiffeur art.

A teaching optometrist sees a lot of pupils.

Stationery stores assign clerks a fixed location.

Accidents happen. That's why there are so many different kinds of salad.

Sailors on the Flying Dutchman: Skeleton crew.

Tutankhamen: A riches to rags story.

Saps: Found in a lot of family trees.

"I only have eyes for ewe." A male sheep's lament.

A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a man made perfect without trials.

Old age is always fifteen years from now.

A tree never hits a car except in self-defense.

Wind is air in a hurry.

An electrician is a man who wires homes for money.

 

[wally2450]

Thanks for all the laff's

on this page!

 

[pleaz_me]

LMAO! These are all great... thanks everyone... fantastic way to start the week!

 

[done_got_old]

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this orning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

 

[done_got_old]

The World Divided
http://www.literacyrules.com/lit/world.jpg​

 

[pleaz_me]

The School Answering Machine

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is reported to be the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-20 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
This is the outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all of the options before making a selection:
*To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
*To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
*To complain about what we do - Press 3
*To swear at staff members - Press 4
*To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
*If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
*If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone - Press 7
*To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
*To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
*To complain about school lunches - Press 0
*If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort - Hang up and have a nice day!


I soooooooooooo would love to call and press 6 just to see what their response is

 

[wally2450]

Funnies

 

[done_got_old]

weird

 

[done_got_old]

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!
Research on bread indicates that:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously )

 

[limiwa]

Big thanks to DGO, wally, pleaz_me, BW, kayte, techan and any others I missed. Very much

 

[DemonLucifer]

Ok I haven't seen this one yet and you may have heard this but here goes.
There was this buisness man who was going on a trip but was worried about his wife while he was gone. See his wife loved to have sex and needed it all the time and he was worried she was gonna run off and cheat on him, so he decided to go to the porn shop and get something to prevent this. He steps in the door and looks around, after a few minutes the clerk asked "excuse me sir may i help you" The man said "Yes im going on a buisness trip and need some thing for my sex driven wife" The clerk responded "well we got dildos and blowups and vib's" but the man protested "no no I need something special" and wit that the clerk disappeared and moments later returned with a gold trim box, the man looked at him confused. The clerk quickly chimed in "this her is a voodoo dick all your wife has to do is say 'voodoo dick pussy' and this dick will fly out and start to do her, and when she has had enuf all she has to do is say 'voodoo dick box' and it will return" well the man was all to happy and took it home and explained to his wife how to use it and took off.
Acouple of days later the wife couldnt stand it any longer and needed some sex, she was almost ready to go insearch for some but then realized what her husband had bought her and went to get it. She got her self ready and opened the box "oh shit how does this work...... oh yeah 'voodoo dick pussy'" and with that the dick poped to life and started to fuck the woman, after a few seconds the woman fell in love with the dick and let it do its thing and before she new it and hour and ahalf had passed and she was starting to get tired and sore. She then realized that she couldnt remember the comand to stop the voodoo dick and tried different thing but none worked " I know the doctors should know how to stop this thing" she dawned her keys and a rob and left for the hospital. Well as you can imagine she had no real control over her car and swerved from side to side, soon a cop had passed on the other side and noticed her eratic behavier and pulled her over. "excuse me miss do you know why i pulled you over" frightend by this the woman said " officer you dont understand i have this voodoo dick..." but before she could finish "voodoo dick my ass ma'm"

 

[BlackWolf65]

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

**SNORT**

This is great...

 

[limiwa]

Ten fingers


Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

 

[limiwa]

This may be a repeat, sorry if it is...
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's rest room, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's rest rooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies rest room was more than a rest room, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed and a nurse was staring down at him.
The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button".

The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."

 

[limiwa]

The $100 TATTOO


Larry gets home late one night and his wife,
Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said,
Shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping , you
can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 atJohn Hopkins Hospital

 

[pleaz_me]

Ok I haven't seen this one yet and you may have heard this but here goes.
There was this buisness man who was going on a trip but was worried about his wife while he was gone.
XXXXX
"voodoo dick my ass ma'm"

LMAO! Good one!

 

[pleaz_me]

Ten fingers


Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

*Spew*

Toooooo funny!