Laughter is Contagious

[pleaz_me]

The $100 TATTOO


Larry gets home late one night and his wife,
Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said,
Shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping , you
can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 atJohn Hopkins Hospital

ROFLMAO!

 

[done_got_old]

along the same line.............

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good,too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

 

[done_got_old]

Chuck Norris reads some "true" facts about himself!

 

[pleaz_me]

Can I get an "Amen"???

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine
lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked
me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and
I were growing up?''

I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on
Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug
to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug
by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the
woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report
card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher,
or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I
uttered a profane four-letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's
garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the
homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had
no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and,
if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this
kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are
still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and
think.

They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children
had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place

 

[done_got_old]

I'm not FAT

 

[kayte]

I'm not FAT

Garfield knows all!

Thank you {{{{{DGO}}}}}} It is so good to see you too.

 

[kayte]

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine
lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked
me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and
I were growing up?''

I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on
Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug
to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug
by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the
woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report
card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher,
or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I
uttered a profane four-letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's
garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the
homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had
no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and,
if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this
kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are
still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and
think.

They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children
had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place

AMEN!!! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pleaz me}}}}}}} That is so true! And in its own way so sad.

 

[kayte]

along the same line.............

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good,too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

That is priceless {{{{DGO}}}} Thank you!

 

[wally2450]

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine
lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked
me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and
I were growing up?''

I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on
Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug
to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug
by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the
woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report
card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher,
or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I
uttered a profane four-letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's
garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the
homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had
no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and,
if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this
kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are
still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and
think.

They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children
had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place

So true!

 

[wally2450]

along the same line.............

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good,too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

LOL!!

 

[wally2450]

Cheating Wife

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down
BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow
night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""

The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave
my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I
hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of
cream."

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you
came home and found cream on the weight?"

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that.
The cream had been churned into butter."

 

[done_got_old]

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down
BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow
night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""

The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave
my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I
hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of
cream."

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you
came home and found cream on the weight?"

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that.
The cream had been churned into butter."

ROFLMAO

 

[wally2450]

Buzz Man

 

[wally2450]

Wives

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly
their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of
me that she won't let me do any work around the
house. It's great."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife
thinks I'm a God."

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering
before me."

 

[wally2450]

This may be a repeat, sorry if it is...
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's rest room, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's rest rooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies rest room was more than a rest room, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed and a nurse was staring down at him.
The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button".

The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."

ROFLMAO!

 

[kayte]

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down
BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow
night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""

The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave
my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I
hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of
cream."

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you
came home and found cream on the weight?"

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that.
The cream had been churned into butter."

OMG Wally ~ That is priceless!

 

[techsan]

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Mirror01.jpg

 

[techsan]

Little Johnny


Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they
left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained
that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking
of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he
understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The
mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has
beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, cute little nose and
really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the doctor said he will have
20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed
glasses."

 

[kayte]

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Mirror01.jpg

Good evening {{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}}}


ROTFLMAO! That is hysterical! Thank you!

 

[kayte]

Little Johnny


Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they
left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained
that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking
of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he
understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The
mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has
beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, cute little nose and
really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the doctor said he will have
20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed
glasses."

Oh my {{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}}

Another priceless one!

 

[techsan]

This really isn't a funny but if you happen to enjoy precision activities, you might like this ...

Navy Drill Team

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

Redneck cat ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckCat.jpg

Redneck Guest Rooms ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckGuestRooms.jpg

Redneck Motorcycle ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckMotorcycle.jpg

Redneck Powerball Winner ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckPowerballWinner.jpg

Redneck Wedding Reception ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckWeddingReception.jpg

 

[kayte]

This really isn't a funny but if you happen to enjoy precision activities, you might like this ...

Navy Drill Team

I will have to share this with my Uncle. He is retired from the Navy. He commanded a nuclear sub during the cold war.

 

[kayte]

From limiwa ...

Redneck cat ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckCat.jpg

Redneck Guest Rooms ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckGuestRooms.jpg

Redneck Motorcycle ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckMotorcycle.jpg

Redneck Powerball Winner ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckPowerballWinner.jpg

Redneck Wedding Reception ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckWeddingReception.jpg

Thank you both! These are great!

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

WARNING

DO NOT, REPEAT DO NOT COOK WITH BACON GREASE

Do you use bacon grease?

I was raised on bacon grease (lard) as a kid and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

COOKING WITH BACON GREASE

I just threw out my last 2 TBS. of bacon grease!! This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.

It could happen to you...


http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/BaconGrease.jpg