Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From limiwa ...
CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG
An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of,
so they decided to use cactus plants.
The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun! They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead. The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Cactus.jpg
CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG
An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of,
so they decided to use cactus plants.
The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun! They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead. The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Cactus.jpg
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
Mr Duncan 001
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 10, 2005
- Posts
- 1,574
What a Flight
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and
drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you
could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called
a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so
I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and
drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you
could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called
a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so
I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Mr Duncan 001
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 10, 2005
- Posts
- 1,574
Love that Hooker
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said “Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor.”
“Well, what did he want to do?” they all asked. She said, “I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either.
Finally I said, well how much do you have?
The sailor said that he only had $25.
So I told him for $25 all I can do is service you by hand.
He agreed and after getting the finance straight, he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand.”
“Oh my god!” they all exclaimed, “It must have been huge. Then what did you do?”
“I loaned him $75!” she said.
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said “Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor.”
“Well, what did he want to do?” they all asked. She said, “I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either.
Finally I said, well how much do you have?
The sailor said that he only had $25.
So I told him for $25 all I can do is service you by hand.
He agreed and after getting the finance straight, he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand.”
“Oh my god!” they all exclaimed, “It must have been huge. Then what did you do?”
“I loaned him $75!” she said.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
leevining
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2006
- Posts
- 195
Noahs' Ark
When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs.Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs.Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
leevining
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2006
- Posts
- 195
Ancient Humor Good advice with some humor thrown in
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear a rumor, or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" replied the acquaintance?
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear a rumor, or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" replied the acquaintance?
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' here are 16 things I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE OR NOT, AND DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER.
Now that I'm 'older' here are 16 things I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE OR NOT, AND DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER.
leevining
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2006
- Posts
- 195
I don't care what other folks say, you guys are just real good company......
so here's another lv
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your Radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Darn it,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
so here's another lv
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your Radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Darn it,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Average Suth'ner
THE AVERAGE SUTH'NER
The average suth'ner knows the difference between a hissie
fit and a conniption fit.
The average suth'ner knows pretty much how many fish make up
a mess.
The average suth'ner knows what general direction
"cattywumpus" is.
The average suth'ner knows that "gimme sugar" don't mean
pass the sugar.
The average suth'ner knows when somebody's "fixin" to do
something, it won't be long.
The average suth'ner knows how good a cold grape Nehi and
cheese crackers are at a country store.
The average suth'ner knows what, "Well, I Swan...!" means.
The average suth'ner knows ain't nobody's biscuits like
Grandma's biscuits!
The average suth'ner knows a good dog is worth its weight in
gold.
The average suth'ner knows real gravy don't come from a
store.
The average suth'ner knows when "by and by" is.
The average suth'ner knows how to handle their "pot licker".
The average suth'ner knows the difference between "pert'
near" and "a right far piece".
The average suth'ner knows the differences between a redneck,
a good ol boy, and trailer trash.
The average suth'ner knows never to go snipe hunting twice.
The average suth'ner at one point learned what happens when
you swallow tobacco juice.
The average suth'ner knows never to assume that the other
car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make
a turn.
The average suth'ner knows you may wear long sleeves, but
you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
The average suth'ner knows you should never loan your tools,
pick-up, or gun to nobody.
The average suth'ner knows rocking chairs and swings are
guaranteed stress relievers.
The average suth'ner knows rocking chairs and swings with an
old person in them are history lessons.
THE AVERAGE SUTH'NER
The average suth'ner knows the difference between a hissie
fit and a conniption fit.
The average suth'ner knows pretty much how many fish make up
a mess.
The average suth'ner knows what general direction
"cattywumpus" is.
The average suth'ner knows that "gimme sugar" don't mean
pass the sugar.
The average suth'ner knows when somebody's "fixin" to do
something, it won't be long.
The average suth'ner knows how good a cold grape Nehi and
cheese crackers are at a country store.
The average suth'ner knows what, "Well, I Swan...!" means.
The average suth'ner knows ain't nobody's biscuits like
Grandma's biscuits!
The average suth'ner knows a good dog is worth its weight in
gold.
The average suth'ner knows real gravy don't come from a
store.
The average suth'ner knows when "by and by" is.
The average suth'ner knows how to handle their "pot licker".
The average suth'ner knows the difference between "pert'
near" and "a right far piece".
The average suth'ner knows the differences between a redneck,
a good ol boy, and trailer trash.
The average suth'ner knows never to go snipe hunting twice.
The average suth'ner at one point learned what happens when
you swallow tobacco juice.
The average suth'ner knows never to assume that the other
car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make
a turn.
The average suth'ner knows you may wear long sleeves, but
you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
The average suth'ner knows you should never loan your tools,
pick-up, or gun to nobody.
The average suth'ner knows rocking chairs and swings are
guaranteed stress relievers.
The average suth'ner knows rocking chairs and swings with an
old person in them are history lessons.
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Happy Friday! And the previous pages are too funny!
A Georgia Story
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles north of
The Georgia/Florida state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was
Speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and
He was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus
And didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated
By juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he
Wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had
Sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The
Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car
And asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the
Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol
Car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C, got out and watched the performance
Briefly,
He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
Opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in
Hell I can pass that test."
A Georgia Story
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles north of
The Georgia/Florida state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was
Speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and
He was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus
And didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated
By juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he
Wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had
Sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The
Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car
And asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the
Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol
Car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C, got out and watched the performance
Briefly,
He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
Opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in
Hell I can pass that test."
- Status
Similar threads
