Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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leevining
Really Experienced
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GOOD MORNING......
OOOPS
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WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: to himself....."ooops"
OOOPS
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WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: to himself....."ooops"
leevining
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2006
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- 195
and..........
The Pharmacist
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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide?"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
_________________
The Pharmacist
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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide?"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
_________________
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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http://www.literacyrules.com/lit/screwed.jpg
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
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- 6,165
"Well, isn't that precious?"
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant
California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well
mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born,
my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the
South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my
husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from
the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was
born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet
again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to
charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the
first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" asked the first
woman.
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying
"Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant
California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well
mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born,
my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the
South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my
husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from
the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was
born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet
again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to
charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the
first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" asked the first
woman.
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying
"Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
BBQ for the Real Man (or at least some of them!)
It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.... When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and picks up all the necessary items.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.... When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and picks up all the necessary items.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Pick-Up Lines for the Dating Impaired
1. Nice legs ... what time do they open?
2. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
3. There are 206 bones in your body, want one more?
4. You. Me. Whipped Cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
5. Those clothes would look great in a cumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
6. I'd really like to see how you look when when I'm naked.
7. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
8. Do you wash your panties in Windex ... because I can see myself in them.
1. Nice legs ... what time do they open?
2. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
3. There are 206 bones in your body, want one more?
4. You. Me. Whipped Cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
5. Those clothes would look great in a cumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
6. I'd really like to see how you look when when I'm naked.
7. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
8. Do you wash your panties in Windex ... because I can see myself in them.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
Polite way to Pee
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet
after dinner."
The teacher fainted......
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet
after dinner."
The teacher fainted......
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
....and to think that the parent of two of my former students sent that to me!wally2450 said:
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Presidential
Reagan, Clinton and George W. Bush were all stuck in house in Kansas during a tornado warning. One tornado approached very close to the house. Reagan stood up and said, "I'll handle this." He went to the window and yelled at the tornado, calling it an evil empire. The tornado passed by the house. Reagan sat down and said, "I made it go away."
Soon another tornado was reported in the area. Clinton called up Fema and laid up plans to help out anyone hurt by the tornado. He also invited a young girl named Dorothy to seek shelter with him in the cellar.
Shortly thereafter another tornado was sighted heading right for their house. All could see it right out the window bearing down on them. George W. Bush stood up and said, "I'll fix this." And he went over to the window and pulled down the shade.
Reagan, Clinton and George W. Bush were all stuck in house in Kansas during a tornado warning. One tornado approached very close to the house. Reagan stood up and said, "I'll handle this." He went to the window and yelled at the tornado, calling it an evil empire. The tornado passed by the house. Reagan sat down and said, "I made it go away."
Soon another tornado was reported in the area. Clinton called up Fema and laid up plans to help out anyone hurt by the tornado. He also invited a young girl named Dorothy to seek shelter with him in the cellar.
Shortly thereafter another tornado was sighted heading right for their house. All could see it right out the window bearing down on them. George W. Bush stood up and said, "I'll fix this." And he went over to the window and pulled down the shade.
leevining
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2006
- Posts
- 195
GOOD MORNING!
Bubba & Junior
And they think the blonde is dumb
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb Blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans.
Bubba & Junior
And they think the blonde is dumb
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb Blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From limiwa ...
Want to be forever eliminated from the guest list? Just take this to your next "pot luck" dinner!!!
Kitty Litter Cake" * ~ This is *no joke*
READ THE INGREDIENTS AND STUFF FIRST AND THEN LOOK AT THE PHOTO...
TRUST ME...
DON'T LOOK AT THE PHOTO FIRST, BUT LAST ...
This is for all you cooks out there looking for something a little different........
WANT TO HAVE FUN AT A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE! COMPLETELY EDIBLE,
BUT YOUR FRIENDS MAY NOT THINK SO!
On a recent visit to our veterinarian to get shots for our cat I found this recipe on the waiting room bulletin board. After recovering from hysterical laughter, I obtained a copy from the office staff so my wife could make it, which she refused to do. I took it to work and gave the recipe to a lady at work who loves cats. The pictures below show the results of her work. It doesn't look very nice, but it's actually quite tasty, so I decided to pass it along.
CAKE INGREDIENTS:
1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent
SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS"
1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper
1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.
2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.
3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape
the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.
4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!
"Kitty Litter Cake"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/KittyLitterCake.jpg
Want to be forever eliminated from the guest list? Just take this to your next "pot luck" dinner!!!
Kitty Litter Cake" * ~ This is *no joke*
READ THE INGREDIENTS AND STUFF FIRST AND THEN LOOK AT THE PHOTO...
TRUST ME...
DON'T LOOK AT THE PHOTO FIRST, BUT LAST ...
This is for all you cooks out there looking for something a little different........
WANT TO HAVE FUN AT A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE! COMPLETELY EDIBLE,
BUT YOUR FRIENDS MAY NOT THINK SO!
On a recent visit to our veterinarian to get shots for our cat I found this recipe on the waiting room bulletin board. After recovering from hysterical laughter, I obtained a copy from the office staff so my wife could make it, which she refused to do. I took it to work and gave the recipe to a lady at work who loves cats. The pictures below show the results of her work. It doesn't look very nice, but it's actually quite tasty, so I decided to pass it along.
CAKE INGREDIENTS:
1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent
SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS"
1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper
1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.
2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.
3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape
the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.
4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!
"Kitty Litter Cake"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/KittyLitterCake.jpg
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From limiwa ...
Happy little fella, isn't he?
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Monkey.jpg
Happy little fella, isn't he?
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Monkey.jpg
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
The jock and the geek
A jock and a geek are applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose.
"Well," the boss said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss sighed, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question: for that one the geek answered 'I don't know,' and you answered, 'Me either'.
A jock and a geek are applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose.
"Well," the boss said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss sighed, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question: for that one the geek answered 'I don't know,' and you answered, 'Me either'.
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