Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.



"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"



"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."



"How about transportation?" the father asked.



"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.



Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."



"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

 

[kayte]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.



"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"



"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."



"How about transportation?" the father asked.



"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.



Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."



"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Thank you {{{{DGO}}}}}}

LMAO!!!

 

[kayte]

Walmart Greeter

A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart
with her two kids. The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger
one, she's 7. "Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice"

 

[leevining]

George Bush and Moses

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.

The President pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there was no oil."

 

[joyjuice]

Ya cracked me up with that one!

JJ

A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart
with her two kids. The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger
one, she's 7. "Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice"

 

[wally2450]

"Well, isn't that precious?"


Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant
California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well
mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born,
my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the
South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my
husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from
the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was
born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet
again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to
charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the
first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" asked the first
woman.

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying
"Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

ROFLMAO!

 

[limiwa]

artsy

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally nude, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In f act", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Excuse me, but would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted in the painting at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

[limiwa]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died . The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midn ight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. The milkman dropped dead on our porch."

 

[techsan]

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Donkey01.gif


An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes the little boy walk."

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Donkey02.gif

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey (hmm). As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the Story?

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Donkey03.gif


If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Donkey04.gif

Have A Nice Day &
Be Careful With Your Donkey​

 

[techsan]

Please forgive me for digressing for a moment. This picture was too good not to share, even if there is nothing funny about it...

If you don't think our military pilots earn their pay ... you need to take a look at this picture .. and then look again and realize what you're seeing ..

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/HeloRescue.jpg

This photo was taken by a soldier in Afghanistan of a helo rescue mission. The pilot is a PA Guard guy who flies EMS choppers in civilian life. Now how many people on the planet you reckon could set the ass end of a chopper down on the roof top of a shack on a steep mountain cliff and hold it there while soldiers load wounded men in the rear??? If this does not impress you .. nothing ever will. Gives me the chills and a serious case of the vertigo .... I can't even imagine having the nerve ... much less the talent and ability .... God Bless our military!!!!!

 

[done_got_old]

Do Not Press!

 

[sasebrats]

Do Not Press!

Good one DGO!

 

[lovemonster]

Do Not Press!

That's great!

 

[LovelyOnes]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".

 

[done_got_old]

Haiku Error Messages





Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

Wind catches lily
Scatt'ring petals to the wind:
Segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

 

[wally2450]

Funny story

Back in my working days I was a union linotype
operator in a daily newspaper on Cape Cod. Our
employment required 6 years of apprenticeship
prior to receiving a journeyman's credentials, We were
required to be proficient in English, particularly
spelling and meaning of words, among others.
One day a fellow worker while setting a story came
across the word, "butte" and asked his co-worker the
difference between a butte, mountain or mesa, etc. A
discussion arose amongst several of us and the
comparison was made as well of canyons, escarpmets and
bluffs. etc.
Someone suggested we ask Jeannie, one of our
proofreaders to settle the question. Well, Jeannie was
what one might say a worldly lady, and when approached
by our representative with: "Hey, Jeannie, what's a butte?"
She promptly replied: "Offhand, I'd say, one about
this long;" signifying a distance of about 8 inches
with her hands.
Which brought a hasty retreat to the composing room by
the questioner, stifling laughter all the way!

 

[wally2450]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.



"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"



"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."



"How about transportation?" the father asked.



"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.



Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."



"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

ROFLMAO-If only that would work!!

 

[wally2450]

Communication

 

[wally2450]

Peaches

A Pennsylvania farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady
dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and
asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and
asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little
tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off
asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes,"and another tear came from the
other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee
and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn,
the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn
and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

 

[kayte]

Oh my! Did he live through the night after making that comment?

 

[kayte]

A Pennsylvania farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady
dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and
asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and
asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little
tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off
asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes,"and another tear came from the
other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee
and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn,
the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn
and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

And if they screw, the bad thing is?

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Budget.jpg

 

[muskokan]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v167/muskokan/10sep06106.jpg

 

[leevining]

GOOD MORNING ALL!


What patients say during Colonoscopies
Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if y ou find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...




13. "Could you please write a note for my wife, saying that my head is not up there?"

 

[techsan]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v167/muskokan/10sep06106.jpg

ROTFLMAO! ... Now that is a budding redneck if I ever saw one.